


In Sync (Kakashi Love Story)

by Rosaline898



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Love, Original Character(s), Romance, but some events altered, mostly canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 29
Words: 95,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24357991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosaline898/pseuds/Rosaline898
Summary: Meet Sarutobi Ayame, niece of the Third Hokage. Her mother had her at 17 before leaving Konoha and never returning and her father is unknown, so she grew up alongside Asuma, raised by her Uncle Hiruzen. Ayame is in sync with her feelings. She's a hard-working, stable, independent kunoichi who joined the ANBU at 18 and is proud of the life she's created for herself. She's fun-loving and her best friend in the world is fellow ANBU teammate Tenzo. After eleven perfect years of life serving as an ANBU, the Hokage dismisses her and Hatake Kakashi—the cold-hearted team captain—to reassign them as Jonin leaders. After a final night out with Team Ro, Ayame does something she regrets... for now.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 70
Kudos: 101





	1. I ~ The Cold-Captain

It's fascinating the way our body and mind can feel so perfectly in sync one moment, and the next—

"Paper bombs!" someone yells, and we all scatter. The explosion makes my heart thump out of control, even when I am expecting it. Even when my mind is so intricately focused on every detail of my surroundings—observing, processing and planning with every passing second—my body finds a way to react without consulting the mind.

So, even though I am perfectly calm and prepared for everything that happens, my heart still beats faster and head still whips around, eyes wide when I see the enemy behind me. He charges with a kunai in hand and I don't hesitate.

I guess that's what some would call _instinct_ , but I call it skill. I worked hard to get to where I am today, and there's no damn way I'm gonna credit that to simple _instinct._ Instinct relies on bodily reactions alone, and those are unreliable.

Skill is more than a bodily reaction—it's a perfectly crafted execution linking the subconscious and conscious mind to the nerves and muscles. It's a reaction that relies on body-mind connectivity and muscle memory.

The knuckle-blades are in my grasp and flowing with chakra before the enemy can even react. He makes a swing with his kunai but I deflect it easily, then we battle for dominance, metal clanging on metal.

I've tuned out my surroundings but I'm still aware of everything going on. Shouts from the team captain to kill only if necessary. Screams escaping the lips of the enemy as other ANBU destroy them with various high-level jutsu. Bodies falling to the ground, some from higher places like tree branches.

I can't spare a second to peer over my shoulder, checking to make sure none of the bodies are ours, and throw a kick that trips my opponent face first into the dirt. _That's right, eat dirt, sucker._ I'm quick to throw myself on top of him, blue-glowing blade pushed against his neck. He croaks out a yelp of fear.

"P-please don't kill me!—" I push the blade harder against his neck, hissing at him to shut up. "I have a wife, a-and a two year old son," he pleas, closing his eyes tightly.

I stop infusing my chakra and pull the blade back. He huffs in heavy relief but doesn't try to move from under me.

The captain gives the two fingered signal to move out and we all follow.

"Let's go," I say, tying the enemy's hands with some twine and shoving him to his feet. "If you resist, I'll kill you." He gulps and complies without resistance.

We ANBU are only responsible for getting them to the village, at which point they are passed off to interrogation and we can report our success to the Hokage.

I feel that thrill run through my blood as I walk with my team towards the ANBU headquarters. The thrill I get after every successful mission, a great feeling of accomplishment. That's what I love about my team. We're one of the most highly-skilled teams in the ANBU Black Ops, reporting directly to the Third Hokage himself. We execute A-rank level missions almost every day and our teamwork is impeccable. I'm proud to be a member of Team Ro.

The captain has gone to report to the Hokage and the rest of us are going straight to our lockers to gather our things and head home for the night, only to return at first light tomorrow and do it all again.

Another boy catches up to me and walks by my side.

"Another day, another _thrilling_ mission, and another success," I chime, walking with my shoulders back and a smile pressing on my lips. I can't see his face behind the mask, but I know he's smiling too. That's who he is, the kind boy who only needs to know someone else is happy to be happy himself. His smile is contagious and can make light of any situation.

Even on bad days, Tenzo never ceases to make me smile.

That's why he's my best friend. Too many ANBU are stuck up and basking in darkness. I guess that's part of the job—without some level of coldness, these assassination missions would be unbearable. The human conscience can only take so much.

But without a certain amount of light, ANBU can easily become morally destroyed and desensitized. I've seen it happen to many, but a few names come to mind above the rest.

 _Uchiha Itachi._ ANBU at 11 and mass murderer by 13. Now, he's a heartless rogue working with the Akatsuki. Thinking about him sends shivers down my spine—especially because I used to know him. We were on the same team, after all.

 _Uchiha Shisui._ ANBU for only a short time before committing suicide. I still remember the day his body was found in the river, both eyes ripped clean out of their sockets. Some say he destroyed them himself so nobody could make use of his mangekyo sharingan; others claim they were stolen. I try not to get involved with all that drama and crap. I've got enough on my mind.

 _Hatake Kakashi._ Tenzo adamantly claims Kakashi is a 'good guy' but I have yet to see it with my own eyes. He's heartless and cold... has been ever since Rin and Obito died. He got even worse after the Fourth Hokage died too, yet for some reason Hiruzen decided to promote him to captain. I'll never understand that old man.

I will never be cold and heartless like those other ANBU. I love my life, even on the hard days. I worked hard to get to where I am and I don't ever want it to change.

We finally get to the headquarters and just as I'm reaching for the door, someone appears in a cloud of smoke beside me.

I'm startled but don't flinch, holding onto the door handle. The captain has appeared from his debrief with the Hokage.

I open the door but Kakashi steps in front of me, "Lord Third summoned." I furrow my eyebrows and look up at the sky. _It must be past five, surely he's not sending us on another mission already._

"Ok... let's go Tenzo," I say, forming hand signs to disappear in a _poof_ of smoke but Kakashi's hand grabs my wrist, interfering with the signs.

"Just us," he mutters. "You're free to go, Tenzo." I huff as Tenzo goes on inside without me and I'm left alone with the cold captain. "Let's go," he says. His hand still clasped tightly around my wrist, he forms one-handed signs _(show off)_ and we both disappear in smoke. In a few short seconds, we appear on the roof of the Hokage's tower and Kakashi lets me go. I snap my wrist back from him, rubbing it. _God, he holds tight. Pfft._

Waiting for us on the roof is the Third Hokage in all his pitiful, old man glory. His wrinkles are becoming increasingly evident and hair is fading to match the white robe he wears. It's not very often I see him in full Hokage attire—he's even opted to wear the strange, pointy hat.

We approach him and kneel, the only thing suiting for such a formal appearance.

"Kakashi, Ayame," the Hokage mutters, the breeze blowing through his robes.

"You summoned, Hokage-Sama?" I say with reverence, though it feels strange on my tongue. I've always known him as Hiruzen or Uncle. It is strange bowing to the person who practically raised me like his own daughter, but he is still the Hokage and I am still subordinate to him.

"Mhm," he grunts, adjusting his cap. I suddenly feel a strange sensation forming in the pit of my stomach. I don't feel ready to hear what he has to say. Something feels off. "Tell me, how many years have each of you been in the ANBU?"

I furrow my eyebrows, thankful for the porcelain mask that hides my emotions. What is he getting at here?

"I joined during the Fourth Hokage's tenure, ten years ago," Kakashi replies automatically, voice void of emotion. As usual, Kakashi is unreadable. I wonder if he even _feels_ anything, or if he's built a wall so strong that not even he can feel through it anymore. Or maybe, like me, he's really good at keeping up a facade.

Well, I'm usually able to keep up my facade but confusion laces my voice as I give my answer, "Eleven years," eleven _wonderful_ years _,_ I think. The best years of my life.

That pit in my stomach turns to fear, revealing its true form when the Hokage puts his hands out and instructs us to remove our masks. I feel sick, and clutch my stomach with one hand. With the other shaking hand, I pull the porcelain mask off and place it in his palm. For a flitting moment, I forget that Kakashi is beside me and stare up at Hiruzen with pointed eyes of disgrace.

He's stripping from me the one thing I worked so hard to achieve, and suddenly I feel like screaming, or crying, or both. But I remain on one bent knee, duteously bowing to my Hokage. My jaw hangs open ever so slightly, eyes wide as I stare silently at the grey concrete.

And as if by some strange phenomenon, I am feeling everything and nothing all at once.

His voice is low and steady, fitting of the Hokage he is. He's always been a confident man who stands by his decisions, and I'm sure he has a perfectly good reason for this, but my mind is too dazed and distracted to work that out.

"I hereby relieve you both of your ANBU duties. You will assume new positions," I'm hearing his words but they sound muffled, like a distant echo inside my head. "You will become jonin leaders, each in charge of three genin."

"Yes, sir," Kakashi obides.

Now I might actually scream. Well, not quite. By the time it reaches my lips, it sounds more like a suppressed squeak. I shoot my head up at the Hokage who looks on us with steady confidence. My mouth gapes open and I want to speak but I don't have the words.

"Dismissed, you will meet with the other senseis tomorrow."

I just gape at the Hokage, eyes wide in dismay, brows furrowed, jaw hanging open. Kakashi glances over and I think he sighs. He forms some hand signs and puts his hands on my shoulders, transporting me wherever he is going. I don't resist. I don't care to. I feel like all my fight has been stripped away from me, leaving me empty-handed and speechless.

We appear in the locker room belonging to Team Ro, _the team that I no longer belong to,_ I remind myself. Kakashi gives me a gentle push onto the bench and I just sit there, silent and unmoving.

While Kakashi is retrieving his belongings from his locker, leaving it empty, Tenzo comes up behind. He leans against the bank of lockers with his arms crossed.

"What did the Hokage want?"

Kakashi goes to speak but I talk first. The words come out of my mouth like a foreign phrase, sounding sour and unfamiliar on my tongue, "He relieved us. He's reassigning us as jonin leaders."

Tenzo gasps, but a look from Kakashi and he quickly composes himself.

"Oh," is all he says in reply. I turn to Tenzo and without even thinking, my legs push me up and arms swing around his shoulders. He seems taken back by the hug, hesitant to hug back.

"I'm gonna miss you. You're my best friend," I mutter into his shoulder. His arms slowly find their way around me as he returns the hug.

"We'll still see each other, Ayame," Tenzo counters, pushing me back from him and locking eyes with me. I frown and my eyes soften, filling with water but I will the tears away.

"You'll be so busy with the ANBU, Tenzo, and we both know I'm not allowed to speak to you while you're on duty. And I'll be so busy with my genin that I won't have time to see you at the rare chance that you're _not_ on duty."

He nods, giving me a friendly squeeze on my shoulders. I like his hands there, they make me feel grounded. His words are kind; they bring me reassurance, "You're gonna be a great teacher," he says. "And you'll always be a part of Team Ro. Nothing will ever change that."

A smile begins to form on his lips and he looks over my shoulder to Kakashi.

"Say, the team's meeting up tonight. You two should come, it'll be a goodbye celebration. Drinks are on me."

I instantly agree, not hesitating to gather the belongings from my locker and head for the door. It takes some negotiating on Tenzo's part, but he somehow convinces the stone-cold _(ex)_ captain Kakashi to join too.

If I had known how the night would end, maybe I would have reconsidered my hasty decision to join. But nobody can foresee the future, so who's to blame other than fate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy! I got this new idea for a story and I couldn't wait to write the prologue. Here it is, hopefully you like it.
> 
> If you did enjoy, please consider *booping* that little kudos to show some support! Comments are literally my favorite thing ever so don't hesitate ^3^
> 
> On-forth~
> 
> Enjoy.


	2. II ~ Bittersweet

I climb the stairs to my small studio apartment. I'm up on the fifth and top-most floor, an unfortunate trek on tired days. Tonight, they seem especially long. Every step makes it feel like gravity is working against me somehow.

When I finally reach my door, I fumble the key into the lock and it releases with a satisfying _click._

As I step inside my familiar space, I'm reminded why I chose the fifth floor upon seeing the gorgeous sunset over the village of Konoha through the balcony window. Beautiful oranges, reds, and pinks merge into blues, purples, and black as the sun passes slowly over the horizon.

 _Sunsets are bittersweet._ They're captivatingly beautiful but end in darkness. They draw you in with their enticing comfort, only to slip away in a fraction of a second. The last eleven years of my life was a sunset, yes. Comfortable, perfect, and beautiful. _But all good things must come to an end._

I run fingers through my long, brown hair and ruffle the knots out as I toss my bag on the ground and slide my shoes off. The single room apartment is just as I left it this morning: a dirty frying pan still on the stove, a cracking layer of egg in it waiting to be scraped off; the blankets on my bed tossed aside in a hurry; my half-drank cup of coffee still sitting on the kitchen table; the shower door inside the small bathroom open a crack with a used towel hung over the top; my assortment of ninja tools scattered on the coffee table by the couch.

I don't mind the mess. It's a sign of a comfortable, loved space. I've lived here since I moved out of Uncle Hiruzen's place at 18. I'd completed just enough missions to save money to purchase this small apartment. It broke my bank, considering I chose to buy it outright instead of putting a down-payment and paying monthly mortgage fees. I ate nothing but cup ramen and odd cheap snacks for six whole months until I swore I would never eat ramen again. I do, however, find myself at Ichiraku's on the rare occasion nowadays. I just can't resist.

I'm doing better for myself now, having made good money as an ANBU with no major expenses for over ten years. Some day, I hope to use that money to buy a cottage in the hills—once I have my life together, of course. I'm not ready to settle down just yet.

And, with this whole unexpected career change thing, a cottage in the hills is the least of my worries.

I almost yelp when I look at the clock. It's already 8:52 PM and I haven't even changed out of my ANBU uniform yet. I'm supposed to meet everyone at 9:00. _Damn it, Ayame! Always losing track of time._

Luckily, I go into speed-mode and manage to change into a short skirt and haltered crop-top and do my hair and makeup in just eight minutes. As I run towards the door with only my small purse hanging at my side, I realize I completely forgot to eat dinner. _There's no time,_ I tell myself. _I'll order some food at the pub._

I quickly make sure I have my house key, some cash, and my chakra blades (I don't go anywhere without them) in my purse before shutting the lights off and locking the door behind me.

And then I run.

I'm in good shape—it's sort of expected that ANBU work out and stay in shape—so the run is easy. I don't even break a sweat. I'm checking my watch as I get to the pub and mentally cheering when I step in the doors at 9:01 exactly. That's only one minute late, an accomplishment for me.

Tenzo and the others are already here, minus Kakashi, and they wave me over to their large booth. I slide in next to Tenzo and across from Yugao, the two people I talk to most on Team Ro. Everyone around the table offers me warm smiles and I return them.

 _This, right here, is my family._ I'm going to miss them all so much. There's that sadness pushing in my chest again.

"Couldn't manage to convince Cold-Kashi, huh?" I whisper to Tenzo. That's my nickname for Kakashi when he's not around. Tenzo doesn't like it when I call him that but he doesn't fight me on it tonight.

"No, he should be there..." Tenzo says, looking at his watch. "Maybe he's just running late."

"Later than me? Pfft, impossible," I puff, smirking. Tenzo raises an eyebrow and I laugh, shoving him playfully in the shoulder.

A pretty lady comes by and takes our drink orders. Before I can make my order, Tenzo mutters to me, "It's on me tonight, get whatever you want," and in a panic, I forget to order food. I would have paid for the food with my own money, but with the lady staring at me and Tenzo telling me to go ahead and order my drink of choice, I just forget. So I order a Bacardi and Cola mixer.

As if he'd planned it, Kakashi shows up right after the lady disappears with our orders.

"You're late, Kakashi. She already took our first round of drink orders," Tenzo lectures but with a joking undertone.

"Gomen, gomen," Kakashi says with a closed eye smile as he opens his palms in defense, "I had to help an elderly woman retrieve her cat from a tree..."

Everyone nods, murmuring things like 'Yeah, yeah' and 'whatever'. I narrow my eyes at the cold-hearted captain who, strangely enough, doesn't seem so cold-hearted tonight. His white hair falls over his face and he's in an eternal wink-like state with his left, scarred eye held closed. He's changed into a basic black shinobi undershirt that connects with his mask and has black cargo-style sweats.

 _Boy, nice choice of colour,_ I think.

Yugao shifts into the bench more, her long, purple hair glistening while she slides to make room for the captain. He smiles kindly and sits down.

The evening goes fast and before I know it, I've already downed three drinks. Conversation flows easily between us all and Kakashi sits back in a relaxed state, listening to the conversation.

"Drinks are on Tenzo tonight, Kakashi-Senpai," Yugao offers, finishing off her second drink. "You should order something."

Kakashi nods and says thank you but claims he's not in a drinking mood.

"You just don't wanna take that mask of yours off," someone claims across the table. People nod in agreement and burst out in giddy laughter, calling out their guesses for what he hides under his mask. Kakashi smirks beneath his mask and shakes his head in defense again. Even I laugh at this—though, the three drinks I've had might have been playing a factor.

After some more jokes and conversation, someone slaps their hand down on the table. We all jump in our seats and watch him intently, his eyes beaming wide and a large smile playing on his face.

"Let's take shots! You can do that, Kaka-Senpai! Just turn around and take the shot. Nobody'll ever see your face!"

He wrinkles his eyebrows together and shakes his head, mutterings excuses. Tenzo calls the waiter over and orders a round of shots.

"Come on, Kaka-Senpai! Don't be such a party pooper," people shout, pointing at him accusingly.

"Yeah, come on man! Lighten up!"

"This is your night, your goodbye celebration after ten years in the ANBU!"

Yugao pipes up, "And Ayame too, it's her goodbye party too!"

I smile kindly at Yugao who refuses to let me be forgotten. The shots come and Yugao stands, holding hers up.

"I'd like to propose a toast!" she shouts, and people hush.

"Can you even toast with a shot?" I remark satirically.

"Poo, whatever," Yugao pouts at me, raising her shot back up. "To our captain, Kakashi, for many years of great leadership, and to Ayame for her determination and lightening spirit!" I smile at her across the table as I hold my shot in hand.

However, behind the smile, even after three drinks of Bacardi and Cola, I feel a pang of sadness wash over me.

"To Kakashi and Ayame!" everyone echoes her, some attempting to mumble out her whole toast in repeat but failing miserably. They all laugh and exchange smiles as we clang the shot glasses together and down them.

I don't smile anymore as thoughts about the perfect past I am losing the unwanted future I'm being thrown into pound in my head like a horrible headache.

The tequila burns so good in my throat that I grab another two off a tray as a server walks by.

"To the end of something beautiful," I toast to myself because everyone else seems too caught up in their laughter and inside jokes to notice me downing two more shots sequentially.

Or so I thought. Across the table, through dizzying visions that are beginning to turn blurry, Kakashi catches my eye. At least I think he does. It's only for a brief moment before he quickly looks away and pretends he wasn't just staring at me. Maybe I imagined it, I don't really know at this point. I can't focus on someone long enough to notice if they're looking at me or at Tenzo beside me.

Someone shows up and taps Tenzo on the shoulder. I stand up so he can get out and have to hold onto the table to keep my balance. The room spins all around and my legs feel like spaghetti. I slump back down once Tenzo is gone and catch the white-haired ninja's glimpse again. This time, I'm sure I'm not imagining it. He doesn't look away when I look back at him.

 _"Do you heal the bottle?"_ he asks over the chimes of laughter around us.

I narrow my eyes, shaking my head and trying to see him clearly, "What?" I murmur, unable to make sense of his words.

"I said do you need some water?" he repeats, getting out of his seat and sliding in beside me. His eyes fill with concern.

My head starts pounding to match my dizzy vision and I grab my head, clutching my hair between my fingers and resting my forehead in my palms.

When I look up again, Kakashi is pushing a bottle of water in front of me and after I fumble unsuccessfully with the cap for a few moments, he opens the bottle for me.

I take it gratefully and gulp back the water, spilling it all over myself in the process.

 _"I tthihink I ni-need tow-to goo home,"_ I mutter, squeezing my eyes closed tight and opening them repeatedly to try and clear up my vision. No success. The room is spinning rapidly and my head thumps heavily with a sore ache. _"Tenaazzho saiid he will to- takke me."_

"What?" Kakashi leans in, trying to hear my muddled words over the noise. "Tenzo was supposed to take you?" I nod before throwing my head into my hands again. "Tenzo left a few minutes ago, he was summoned for some emergency." I lift my head slowly, jaw hanging open and feel confused and lost. For a brief moment, I forget where I am and what I'm doing until I spot the bar on the other side of the room.

My head thrums again and I put my hands on my temples. Feeling the water bottle on my lips again, I sheepishly drink more water and Kakashi makes sure I empty the whole bottle.

"Let's get you home, okay?" Kakashi says, putting a hand on my back and another out for me to grab and balance on. My head feels heavy and I can't even think, let alone walk in a straight line, so I take his hand willingly. He addresses Yugao who has stood and come to our side. She looks a little unsteady herself, using the table to balance.

"Leaving already? Awww," she makes a dramatic pouty face and flings herself around me which causes me to lose my balance, weak spaghetti legs collapsing below me. Strong arms catch me, one hand under my knees and the other supporting the small of my back.

"I'll make sure she gets home. Tenzo was supposed to take her but he had to leave," he says to the giddy, pink-faced Yugao as she shuffles back to her seat.

"Okay, Kaka-Senpai! Be good to her," she giggles, winking. I'm too zoned to react to it and push to my feet again.

"Yeah, yeah," Kakashi answers, a tinge of annoyance in his voice. He leads me out of the pub, offering his arm.

He keeps one hand flat on my back and the other I cling to for balance. The night air is cool and refreshing on my burning skin and I take in the fresh air greedily. It subdues my pounding headache and after just a couple minutes, I'm already seeing better. I still don't trust my balance so I keep clinging to his arm.

"Thanks," I mutter, my hot breath clouding the cold, night air.

"Yeah," he says quietly, pulling his jacket off and wrapping it around my shoulders. "No problem."

My legs still tingle and feel like jelly but I'm not stumbling anymore and I can see straight again. My brain is still slow to think though and my words come out slow and muddled.

"I live up there," I say, pointing with my free arm to the top apartment of the five-story building. Kakashi gapes at the many flights of stairs and echoes my words back to me in shock.

 _"All the way_ _up there?"_

I nod and let go of his arm, grabbing the railing of the stair as soon as I let go to give me something else to hold on to, "I can take it from here," I say as I pull my heavy leg up onto the first step. With a grunt, I force myself up and almost tumble back when my legs threaten to give out but I manage to grab onto the railing before I fall.

"Here," Kakashi grunts and sweeps me off my feet, literally. He picks me up bridal style and starts climbing the stairs.

He keeps his eyes straight ahead as he climbs with me in his arms. I just stare at him in a gaze of confusion. The words come out without any preliminary screening as if I'm hearing them for the first time when they escape my own lips, "You know, I always thought you were just this cold-hearted, miserable guy." He glances down at me with his single, opened eye. It's grey in color but seems softer tonight. The word vomit comes out again, "I always resented you because of the way you never smiled and killed mercilessly, but you're actually not all that bad. I don't know how it took me ten years to figure that out."

We reach the top floor and he sets me on my feet by my door, "This is you?"

"Yep," I reply, digging through my purse for the key. I feel the cool, jutting metal on my fingertips and fish it out. It takes a bit longer to fumble it into the lock than usual but I manage. Kakashi keeps a hand on the small of my back as I step inside and I keep hold of his arm as he leads me to my bed.

I go to flop down on my bed but in my drunken stupidity, I forget to let go of Kakashi's arm first. As I fall onto my bed, he tumbled too and lands directly on top of me. Our faces are inches apart, his eyes staring widely into mine and I do something without understanding why.

I press my lips against his, not even bothering with the mask. At first, he flinches and for a moment I wonder why I am doing this—less than three hours ago, I bad talked him and his cold-heart and impressive lateness to Tenzo—but something stirs inside of me when my lips are against his.

I close my eyes and allow myself to ride this feeling without questioning it. In just a moment, his hand is tenderly on my cheek and mine are in his hair. All the pain I felt, all the heartache about leaving the ANBU, is gone in this tender, vulnerable moment.

In a split second, he pulls back and our hot breath shares airspace. Both of his eyes are open, but his sharingan doesn't fill me with fear. His eyes are observant and soft, scanning my whole face and stopping again on my lips. His free hand pulls his mask down but our lips are dancing before I can see.

A few minutes of this feels too short after he pulls away, sliding his mask up—again, before I can see his face. _Damn ninja._

I can't believe what I just did, but even harder for me to believe is that I actually enjoyed it. I push myself onto my elbows and look up at him, eyes wide, mind still struggling to understand _why._ He stands awkwardly for a moment, hands in his pockets like he doesn't know how to stand.

Finally, the silence breaks and he asks, "Uh—is there anything else you need?"

I feel my face redden deeper than it already is and shake my head wildly, "N-no, thanks. I'm okay, I think I'm just gonna sleep now..."

He nods before turning and walking to the door. It creaks open but he stands in the doorway looking out for a moment, as if considering something. He shakes his head and looks back at me, "Well, goodnight. I'll see you at the Jonin meeting tomorrow."

I nod hastily, "Goodnight, Kakashi."

After the door closes behind him, I slump into my mattress and stare wide-eyed at the cieling.

_Oh god, what have I done?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ba-dum! That's it for chapter two! I hope you liked it! Consider *shmacking* that kudos if you enjoyed and leave me a juicy ol' comment!
> 
> I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I think my mind is mush right now too.
> 
> ☆〜（ゝ。∂）
> 
> Goodnight. Or good day. Or goodbye.
> 
> Hah! See ya in the next one.
> 
> ~R
> 
> ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=┌(;￣◇￣)┘


	3. III ~ Eyes Have Their Own Agenda

I wake up in the morning with a pounding headache. The events from last night seem vague and distorted. I can't suppress a screech from my throat when the end of the night pops into my mind.

_Oh god. Oh dear god._

I scramble to my feet and sit on the edge of my bed as the memory replays over and over.

My hands in his hair, his on my face. Our lips pressed firmly together. And I didn't want it to stop.

_What the actual fuck._

In my drunken state, I decided it would be a good idea to make out with the cold-hearted captain. And, though he might not be as cold as I'd initially thought, we're still two very different people.

I'm energetic, hard-working, and fun.

And he's... he's dull, lazy, and generally a kill-joy. 

Which is why I tear myself apart as I make my breakfast, talking aloud to myself while I pace the kitchen.

"What got into you Ayame?"

I flip my egg and sprinkle some salt on it.

_Shit, wait, that was sugar._

"Damn it!"

Picking up the pan and letting the egg slide into the garbage, I crack another one and let the runny substance spread out in the hot pan.

"What is wrong with you?" I say, with two meanings in the current situation.

I pace back and forth, unable to stand still. My hands jitter at my sides, tapping uneven rhythms on my thighs.

_But he kissed back. Why on earth would he do that?_

"What the fuck."

I flip my egg and make sure to sprinkle _salt_ this time. A sigh escapes my lips and I wack myself in the temple, trying to urge the thoughts away. I'm a guilty over-thinker. I've always been that way. Maybe it's because of how hyper-aware I am of the way I present myself to others. 

I've fought my whole life to make sure people don't view me as the _orphaned niece of the Hokage._ I am so much more than that and I'll never let my abandoning-mother get in the way of my reputation. Not even for a minute.

It seems last night was an exception to my usually overly aware self. _If_ I weren't so drunk, I never would have needed him to help me home. _If_ I had been thinking straight, I never would have kissed him. 

_But he kissed me back. He didn't seem to want it to stop._

"What the fuck," I say again as I slump into a kitchen chair and place the plated egg in front of me on the table. 

My appetite disappears suddenly, despite the fact that I haven't eaten anything since lunch yesterday and even then, it was a crappy peanut butter sandwich I'd hastily prepared before the mission.

I poke and prod at the singular egg with my fork and watch as the egg whites bounce back like jelly. My hand finds my head and I rest it there, allowing myself to feel angry and taking it out on the unknowing egg.

Angry at myself for letting my feelings get the better of me and drinking too much.

Angry at Hiruzen for demoting me to jonin leader.

And angry at my ex-captain Kakashi for taking advantage of drunk-me and letting the kiss happen.

_I'm gonna fucking pound him when I see him next._

Then it hits me. I look at the clock and die a little inside. The jonin meeting started twenty minutes ago. 

"Damn it!" 

Just like that, I'm rushing around my apartment once again, grabbing my things and tossing them into my pouches with haste. Subconsciously, I dress in my ANBU uniform out of habit but realize my mistake when I go to put my porcelain mask on and it isn't there. 

I mentally curse myself, quickly sliding the grey flak jacket back up over my head and tossing it across the room.

I find myself ripping the gloves and arm protectors off, leaving just the tight black tank-top and loose pants with some bandage wrapped around one thigh. It feels stupid to be wearing half a uniform but I'm already very late so it will have to do.

With that, I rush out the door, not even bothering to lock it. Not like anyone would make the five-story trek to steal some dirty frying pans and ten year old pillows anyways.

When I reach the Hokage Tower, I'm surprised to find nobody there. I rush to the jonin lounge on the top floor and it's completely empty.

So I run to the Hokage's office, not even bothering to knock. When I open the door, Hiruzen jumps a little in his chair.

"Oh, Ayame. Shouldn't you be with your team?"

For a moment, while I catch my breath, Team Ro pops into my head but then I realize 'team' has a different meaning here. He means team of genin. The three little twerps I'll have to look after. I audibly huff and slump my shoulders.

"I lost track of time. I missed the meeting. I don't know where to go," I mutter, readjusting the bandages on my thigh that have started coming loose.

Hiruzen chuckles under his breath, taking a puff from his pipe. Smoke blows out of his mouth as he digs through some files.

"You've never been one for being on time, huh?" He chuckles again and I just shrink on the floor in front of his desk. Finally, he pulls out a yellow file folder and flips it open. "Here it is. Team 3. Meeting place is room 311. They all passed the genin test with ease but it is up to you if you decide to keep them or send them back to the Academy."

I furrow my eyebrows, "You mean, I can choose not to graduate them?"

"Exactly."

I think over this for a moment as I try to remember my own graduation exam. It was a long time ago—18 years, to be exact. I graduated one year earlier than the rest of my class at the age of 11. 

I was so focused on my own goals that I never took the time to bond with my teammates. I don't even remember their names. For all I know, they could be dead. For a brief moment, I feel sad about this but the moment doesn't last because Hiruzen starts talking again.

His voice is low and serious. He looks at me with an almost threatening glare. "I trust you to interpret their skills without bias, Ayame. I know you're not happy about this change, but I think it will be good for you. You were spending too much time training or on missions and not enough time _bonding_ with people."

I freeze for a moment before snapping my head up at Hiruzen. He sits straight in his chair, a certain confidence over his features. "Is that why you pulled me out of ANBU?" I feel my anger rising and it becomes more evident in my voice. "I worked so hard to get there, you know that more than anyone! And I loved it. Every minute of it. I never let the bad stuff get to me like others did, you know? I made sure of it."

Hiruzen shakes his head, taking another puff of his pipe, "You don't get it, Ayame." I go to speak back but he puts his hand out, silencing me. I shrink down in front of him. _I am his subordinate,_ I remind myself. He continues calmly and every word makes me want to scream. "You were focused, yes. You have become a great shinobi, something to be proud of. But you're lacking the ability to bond with others."

"I have friends, if that's what you're trying to say," I shout, but I make sure to hold back my anger. _This is the Hokage I'm speaking to, after all._ "Like Tenzo and Yugao. But what does bonding with people have to do with being a shinobi? I'm strong, and I will always protect this village with everything I have, even if it costs me my life. That's what you taught me, Uncle. The Will of Fire, is it not?"

Hiruzen takes a deep breath and sets his pipe down. He closes his wrinkled eyes for a moment before speaking. "The Will of Fire means you protect the village like they were your family. Do you know the driving force of the Will of Fire, Ayame? What keeps it alive and burning?"

I shake my head, trying to understand what he's getting at. 

He sighs and stands up, coming around his desk to meet me. Signaling me to rise, I push off my knee and stand until I am towering a full head above him. He really is quite short.

"Love."

I flinch and my eyes open wide. Hiruzen might be shorter than me but I still feel small compared to him, "What do you mean, _love_?"

"Without love, the Will of Fire would not exist. You can be the strongest shinobi in the world but you will still fail without love. Love is what gives a shinobi the strength they need to keep fighting, even when their body is weak," he says, pacing the room. "Imagine this for just a moment. You're on a mission with your team. You have been instructed to retrieve a sacred scroll. The future of the village is riding on this scroll. If you fail to retrieve it, our bonds with another nation will sever."

"What are you-" he cuts me off.

"Yugao is captured by the enemy, held at knife-point. You can choose to save her or the scroll. Which do you choose?"

I don't even have to think about it. I am perfectly aware that sacrifices must be made for the good of the village. "The scroll, of course..."

Hiruzen has lost his usual calm. He speaks with strength, a tone similar to the one he uses when addressed a crowd of hundreds.

"In the ANBU, you're trained to put the mission above all else. Each person is responsible for their own life. Such mindset is required for the success of the high-level missions ANBU are sent on. But you must never forget that being a shinobi is about more than just skill and success. It's about protecting those you _love,_ Ayame. Each generation is responsible for passing the Will of Fire onto the next. We must never forget the reason why we figh—to protect our comrades."

I'm silent. I have no response. Hiruzen returns to his desk and grunts as he slides back into his seat.

"I believe you have some genin to meet," he mutters, putting his attention back to his paperwork. 

I'm quick to nod, saying, "Yes sir," and escaping his office without another word. His words sink in while I try and find room 311. 

_Love._

Maybe he's right. Maybe I have been misinterpreting the Will of Fire. But how is putting me in charge of three little kids gonna help me make sense of it? Jonin senseis are responsible for bringing up the next generation of shinobi. If Hiruzen is right, and I don't truly understand the Will of Fire, then why is he trusting me to pass it onto the next generation?

I'm too caught up in my thoughts to realize someone else has been approaching in the hallway, and he's too busy reading a book to notice me either. We bump into each other, making him drop his book.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," I say, quickly leaning down to pick up the book. "Icha Icha? Who reads this crap anyways?" When I straighten back up to hand him the book, I yelp. I hadn't recognized him before because of the fact that he now wears a green jonin vest and blue clothing instead of the black and grey ANBU attire—and his scarred eye, a key feature to identify him by since he keeps his face covered with a mask, is hidden by his forehead protector. If not for the very voluminous mop of whitish-grey hair sitting atop his head, I would not have recognized him.

His usually lazy grey eye is suddenly wide when he realizes who I am.

"S-sorry, I didn't see you there."

I push the book into his chest, avoiding eye-contact. He takes it and I rush past him. "I've gotta go, I'm late to meet my genin," I say over my shoulder as I walk unnaturally fast. I can feel his gaze following me down the hallway. A sigh of relief escapes my mouth when I turn the corner, out of his sight.

"Shit," I mutter, remembering that I was supposed to pound him for what he did to me. But for some reason, I couldn't think straight in his presence. My mind was a blur and I acted without thinking.

That type of behavior—the sporadic, disorganized type—is something I am unfamiliar with. Usually, I'm very aware of my own thoughts and my mind is in perfect sync with my body.

I remember back to this morning when I sprinkled sugar on my egg instead of salt, or when I put my ANBU uniform on without thinking.

Ever since last night, I've been all out of whack. Maybe I'm still suffering from a hangover, but my head feels perfectly fine... _what is going on with me?_

Before I can ponder this any further, I reach room 311. The door is closed and I reach out to slide it open, but hesitate. I've never really been the kid-liking type. They're immature and unpredictable; they lack basic skills but think the world of themselves and are generally annoying.

When I slide the door open, I expect some hyper children to leap out of their seats but all three of them sit in a perfect line behind one desk, arms on the table.

"You must be Sensei," the girl chimes, a calm and collected smile on her lips. "I'm Miyata and this is Kyou and Jun," she says, pointing to the two boys beside her. The boys sit straight and smile kindly.

Their names are not at all what I was expecting. They mean _assertive, cooperative, and dutiful._ The three things I would lease expect from genin like them.

I stare at them for a moment before walking fully into the room, "Sorry I'm late." 

"We understand," Kyou says, voice calm and with respect. Again, I stare at these three quiet genin and narrow my eyes, taking in each one. 

_Is this some kind of joke? What on earth do they have up their sleeve? Maybe it's a prank. No way they're this patient and obedient._

I decide to try a firmer approach to see if they budge—let them know who's boss. 

"Stand up, now."

All three stand in perfect sync and come around the desk. They look like a group of well-trained soldiers.

"Come on, now. What's the meaning of this? Spill."

Nobody talks. They all stare up at me with calm, unreadable expressions.

"I said, spill. What's going on here?"

The girl takes a step forward and speaks with a soft but confident voice, "We're not sure what you mean, Sensei."

I sigh and glare up at the ceiling. Maybe it would have been better with hyper kids. At least then I'd have someone to criticize. This sensei thing is already boring me. I should be on a mission right now with Team Ro, doing something more useful than standing in a room with three boring children staring at me in a line.

"Fine then, let's go to the training grounds so I can decide if you're worth keeping."

I finally manage to crack their perfect facades. All three of them flinch and their eyes widen by a fraction before they resume their soldier-like stances.

"Let's go, I don't like to waste time."

They follow me out without question and I grin, already thinking of all the fun ways I'm gonna scare them and test their skills. I won't let this unfortunate situation get me down. That's who I am—I take the bad stuff in stride, and this will be no different. 

_I am a badass,_ I remind myself. _Nobody can change that, especially not three little genin._

But when we reach the training ground, my confidence shrivels. At the sight of him, I fall back into a jumbled state, unable to think straight.

"S-sorry, I didn't know this training ground would be occupied. We'll leave."

"It's okay," he counters, quickly waving to the vast amount of space. "There's plenty of space to share."

I'm about argue and walk away but that competitive, stubborn part of me says to stay; I cannot admit weakness in front of these genin. 

So we stay, but on the opposite side of the river. I'm happy to have it there as a divider, but no matter how much I will myself not to, I find myself glancing over every now and then. 

Because of him, I'm all out of sync. 

My mind says ignore him, but my eyes have their own agenda. 


	4. IV ~ Birthdays, Bonding, Blah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey readers! This is an FYI before you read on. I have chosen to mess with the canon timeline a bit so that the story flows well. I've basically cut out a couple of years where Kakashi would have failed two genin teams before getting Team 7. Hopefully this makes sense.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> ~R

"Goddammit, Kakashi! Don't scare me like that!" I exclaim when the speedy ninja appears in a cloud of smoke beside me.

"Gomen," he says, chuckling. I huff and cross my arms. "What are you doing? Where are your genin?"

I consider ignoring him but it seems like the cowardly thing to do so I answer him cooly. "They're in that forest, practicing their skills to present them to me."

"A presentation, huh?"

When I look across the river at the other side of the clearing, I notice his genin are gone too. "Where are yours?"

"Hiding," he says, a smirk playing below his mask.

"What the hell did you do to them to scare them into hiding?" I ask, glancing at him sidelong and tilting my head.

He shakes his head and pulls his porn book out of his pouch. "I didn't, they're all making plans to attack me for one of these bells. They need to get one or else they'll return to the Academy."

He dangles two bells between his fingers and they _ring_ out into the clearing.

"But there're only two..." I notice, furrowing my brows. He nods as he ties them back to his waist.

"Exactly."

I turn wrinkle my nose at him, giving him a confused look. He notices but turns his attention back to his book.

After a moment, I interrupt him.

"You're seriously gonna send just one of them back? Can you even do that?"

"No," he mutters behind his book so only I can hear. "In all honesty, I'll probably send them all back. A bunch of idiots, running off and planning to attack me alone. They don't understand the importance of teamwork."

 _Teamwork._ Something we executed perfectly in Team Ro.

"Is that how I should be deciding if my genin pass or not? I mean, their skills are obviously going to be mediocre... maybe I should be analyzing them differently," I say, partly to myself. I'm speaking out loud, trying to make sense of things.

Kakashi rubs his head as he peers around the clearing, finding his genin all hiding in different spots.

His words make me think, "Teamwork is the most important thing there is. If these genin don't understand that, they aren't ready to become ninjas."

Suddenly, I'm thinking about what Hiruzen said to me about the Will of Fire—how ninja should protect those they care about. It's a strange concept to me. The ANBU values mission success above all else.

"But what about following protocol? What about the success of the mission?"

Kakashi's eye widens and he turns to look at me. He glares at me as if I have two heads, and something resonates in his eye. An emotion I can't place.

"Those who break the rules are scum..." he says, peering out into the clearing. His next words shock me, making my jaw hang open ever so slightly as I process his words. "But those who abandon their friends are worse than scum."

I never would have imagined Kakashi to be a rule-breaker. He was always so cold-hearted and executed ANBU missions perfectly, following protocol and worrying only about himself.

"Those were the words of my comrade, Obito Uchiha," he whispers, voice laced with emotion. I remember Obito, he was a couple years older than me but we were in the same class one year after he failed his graduation exam. He was always that loud, annoying kid who never knew when to shut up.

He died on a mission many years ago. He was young when he died—maybe just 14. For a moment, I see sadness resonate in Kakashi's eye as he looks into the opposite side of the clearing at the KIA Stone.

The moment doesn't last long.

Three genin come charging out of the forest but there is no evident teamwork. They all attack individually and fail miserably. Kakashi stops their attacks one-handed, holding them off with ease without even having to look up from his book.

This continues for hours. I periodically peek over my shoulder into the clearing to see his three genin as they attack without any sort of plan. My genin try to show off their skills to me, each time attempting to one-up the others. There is no hope for these kids. Not only are their skills lacking, but they show no signs of working together.

To them, it's all just a competition. They only want to be better than their peers.

If Kakashi is right and teamwork is the deciding factor, these kids are definitely not worthy of passing. And they show no signs of improving, either. They may be obedient and listen to orders, but not one of them tries to help another. They just compete, trying to throw each other under the bus.

According to Uncle Hiruzen's standards, they do not possess the Will of Fire. So I guess I will not be passing them. I sigh and look up at the clouds as my genin present their mediocre versions of the clone jutsu and find myself craving the intensity and rush of ANBU missions.

* * *

All the senseis are gathered in the jonin lounge. I sit beside Kurenai and Asuma. She and Asuma are practically inseparable. I grew up with Asuma, so he's like a brother to me. He was the one who taught me how to use the chakra blades, my weapon of choice, and without his help, I wouldn't have achieved my current skill level.

Kurenai has always been around, so I've grown to like her. We were never real close, since she's more Asuma's friend than mine, but she smiles at me kindly and asks how my day was anyways.

"How were your genin?" she asks, snacking on some of the finger foods from the table.

I shrug and bite into an apple. It tastes sweet on my tongue—it might be the sweetest apple I've ever tasted. Then, I remember I haven't eaten since yesterday and that must be why it tastes so good.

"I failed them all," I say causally. All eyes in the room turn to me as conversations fade.

"Why'd you fail them?" Asuma asks, eyeing me strangely. Everyone looks confused, and I don't understand why. 

I laugh, uncomfortable with the sudden attention. "You say that as if it's rare or something. Kakashi failed his genin too," I mention, trying to sway some of the attention off of me.

Gai whips his head to Kakashi with eyes wider than I've ever seen, "You even failed the Uchiha boy?" Gai questions, glaring at his rival with intensity and slight confusion.

"No, no, of course not," he counters, "They ended up breaking the rules by working together in the end so I passed them." He mentions it more to me than anyone. 

I feel sort of betrayed for a brief moment—he said he was going to fail them and then he didn't. Now I look like some sort of horrible, cold teacher. Funny how Kakashi and I seem to have flipped roles. It used to be that people would question his actions, but now I seem to be the one under scrutiny.

"Why is that such a big deal?" I ask, trying again to defend myself. "They sucked, couldn't even perform a basic clone jutsu."

Everyone just shrugs and returns to their conversations. Kakashi gets up and sits beside me and I slide, putting some distance between us. I still can't forget what he did to me last night.

He slides the book he never seems to put down into his pouch and crosses his leg, leaning back into the seat. I just sit straight, trying to ignore that he's there. For a few seconds, I just stare forward but it's awkward and tense because he's just staring at me. 

Finally, he speaks. Then I find myself wishing he hadn't.

"So what? You're just gonna pretend last night never happened? I thought you'd have mentioned it by now," he whispers so only I can hear. I straighten up and feel my breath catching in my lungs. There it is again, the strange panic and feeling of disorganization in my mind.

I scramble for the right words but they're all caught up in the messy jumble that is my brain right now. 

Once again, my body reacts without consulting my mind. I feel my cheeks get hot and will myself to calm down and act normally but my body won't listen. 

"N-no, I was gonna punch you but I never got the chance," is all I can come up with. I sigh after the words fall out of my mouth like a jumbled afterthought. _Fucking get it together, Ayame! What is wrong with you?_

"Punch me?" he asks, sounding surprised. I cross my arms and keep my gaze forward. He's urging me to look at him but I keep my composure. "Why would you punch me? You're the one who kissed me, remember?"

Once again, I react suddenly, without thinking first. It's as if my body has gone into autopilot but doesn't know how to fly a plane. 

"I was drunk!" I shout, a little bit too loud because people glance over. Their gazes linger only for a second before returning to their conversations again. I lower my voice but the anger is still evident. "I wasn't thinking straight, dumbass. Besides, why would I ever want to kiss _you?"_

He recoils, seemingly taken back by my words.

And now I feel like the dumbass. 

"Look, I don't mean that to insult you. You're just—you're— what I mean is, we're too different." The plane is crashing. It's headed towards the ground at full-speed and I can't stop it. Kakashi just sits, staring at his lap with an unreadable look in his eye. Maybe it's confusion... or disappointment. It could be a concoction of both. "Why didn't you stop me, anyways?" I murmur.

The plane slows down and my mind stops spinning. This is an answer I need to hear. I need to know why he did what he did if I'm ever gonna be able to move on.

He doesn't answer for a moment, and I start to wonder if he heard me. Then, he meets my gaze and mutters, "I don't know."

I'm actually relieved by this answer. I was half expecting him to say something stupid like _'I like you'_ or _'I thought we had something'_ but 'I don't know' is the best answer he can give me. It assures me that there isn't in fact anything between us and maybe now I can move on and start thinking straight again.

"Okay, good. So let's forget it ever happened, because it didn't mean anything. I was drunk, you were tired, it was a long day," I say, frustration coming through into my voice.

Kakashi nods but his eye catches mine for a moment before he pulls his book out and resorts to reading again. I sigh and lean back in my seat and close my eyes, glad this is finally over. I can forget him and move on with my life.

_Thank fucking god._

Someone appears in the doorway and knocks, getting everyone's attention. It's an ANBU I don't recognize. He looks to me and says, "Lord Third wants to speak to you," before disappearing in a cloud of smoke. I exhale deeply before getting up and leaving for his office. Nobody says goodbye to me and I'm glad for that. I'm getting sort of tired of this whole bonding thing.

There are only three people I actually care to talk to. Tenzo, Yugao, and Asuma. They're all I need. More people than that and things just feel too complicated. I dislike complicated. I'd rather have no friends and have a clear, predictable mind than one worrying about dumb things like birthdays, bonding, _blah._ It's so exhausting. I'd rather be alone any day, but I will admit that I appreciate Tenzo, Yugao, and Asuma. 

When I get to my Uncle's office, he dismisses the guards and tells me to sit.

 _This can't be good,_ I think. I take a seat in the hard chair on the other side of his desk and prepare myself for whatever he has to say to me.

"I heard you failed your genin," he mutters, fumbling with his pen. His voice is quiet and casual. He's not speaking with authority like he does when he need to be Hokage. He's speaking to me as my uncle. I nod and answer confidently.

"They weren't ready to graduate," I say, defending my decision. "If you could see them for yourself, Uncle, you'd agree. They lacked the Will of Fire and showed no signs of teamwork." Hiruzen grunts and takes a puff of his pipe. _He really needs to chill with the smoking. No wonder Asuma smokes so much._

"I wasn't disagreeing with your decision, Ayame."

I tilt my head, trying to read Hiruzen's face. As always, he's difficult to interpret. "Why am I here then?"

The old man shifts in his seat the pulls out a file. It's got the faces of three genin across the front and the top of the page reads 'Team 7: Hatake Kakashi'.

"Why are you showing me Kakashi's team file?" I ask, frustration lacing my voice because of Hiruzen's slowness to answer. He needs to get to the point already. He's always vague and it frustrates me to no end.

"Read it," he grunts, puffing smoke out of the sides of his mouth. I begrudgingly take the file and read.

TEAM 7: HATAKE KAKASHI

UCHIHA SASUKE: TOP OF THE CLASS, COLD AND RESERVED. SKILLFUL IN NINJUTSU AND TAIJUTSU, SHOWS VAST UNDERSTANDING OF GENJUTSU.

HARUNO SAKURA: GOOD STUDENT, WIDE KNOWLEDGE AND UNDERSTANDING OF NINJUTSU, TAIJUTSU, AND GENJUTSU. SHOWS PRECISE CHAKRA CONTROL.

UZUMAKI NARUTO: BOTTOM OF THE CLASS, HYPER AND DISORGANIZED. NEEDS IMPROVEMENT IN ALL AREAS. SHOWS LARGE AMOUNT OF CHAKRA CAPACITY, ABLE TO PERFORM HUNDREDS OF SHADOW CLONES AT ONE TIME.

I stop for a moment and re-read, just to make sure I read it right. _Hundreds? Holy crap, kid._ Shadow clones are an advanced jutsu. A kid his age shouldn't be able to perform them, let alone hundreds.

I keep reading. There is something else noted beside the Uzumaki kid's information.

NOTES: JINCHURIKI—HOST OF THE NINE-TAILED FOX.

And now I'm really confused.

"Why are you showing me this? What does this have to do with me?"

Hiruzen adjusts in his chair again, taking the file and storing it away. "Kakashi has brought it to my attention that his team is quite the handful, even for him. He's worried about the relationship between Naruto and Sasuke and thinks they should be separated."

"Okay? So separate them. I don't get how this has anything to do with me," I chide, slumping in my chair.

Hiruzen sets his pipe down and crosses his arms in front of him on the desk. _This can't be good. He's got that serious look he always gives before giving me news I don't wanna hear._

"I believe that Sasuke's skills will make Naruto jealous and he will improve very quickly, trying to compete with Sasuke. But with Naruto being the nine-tail's jinchuriki, there could be major problems in the future. The Yondaime sealed the kyuubi in him when he was just a baby, and the seal was never meant to last forever. With the unpredictability concerning the jinchuriki and seal, and Naruto's high-energy, I am going to assign another jonin to Team 7."

_Oh no. No. I know where this is headed._

"Ayame, you are the only jonin leader who sent their genin back this year so I will be assigning you to Team 7."

_Oh hell no._

"So you mean I'll be a co-sensei with Kakashi," I mutter. It's not a question. I already know it to be true.

"That is correct. You will join their team starting tomorrow."

"Yes, Hokage-Sama," I say, taking the order like any dutiful shinobi would. On the inside, I scream out in frustration.

_So much for moving on._


	5. V ~ A Presentation of Sorts

I begrudgingly join Team 7 in the morning, saying hello to the genin but avoiding Kakashi's eye.

"If I had known you'd be the one Lord Third would assign—"

I cut him off nonchalantly, "Whatever. It's fine."

Kakashi sighs before looking to his genin. All three of them already look annoying. Especially the yellow-haired one. I make a mental note to avoid him as much as humanly possible and stick to the calm, black-haired boy if possible. The yellow one just sets me on edge.

Pinkie doesn't take her eyes off the black-haired boy and I huff, thinking about how ridiculous young love is.

I used to be just like her. I fell for someone long ago but went into the ANBU and didn't have time for 'love' anymore. I don't miss it. It's exhausting and sets me off kilter. I like to remain in sync with myself—body and mind. And 'love' just baffles my thoughts and makes me do and feel things without consulting with my head first.

Kakashi suggests we re-do introductions since I've joined the team now. Finding some shade to sit in, we all circle around cross-legged on the grass. I keep a straight expression because the alternative would be frustration and annoyance and the last thing I need is for these genin to view me as some sort of sensitive, emotional nutcase.

They all go through their little introductions, but having heard them already yesterday, nobody looks even half-interested. Not even the bright orange jumpy boy named Naruto. I learn that Naruto likes ramen... a lot. It seems ramen is all this kid ever eats. I get flashbacks to that first six months in my new apartment and wince.

The pink haired one goes next, spending most of her speech fawning over the kid named Sasuke. When it comes time for Sasuke to go, I actually give him my full attention.

"My name is Sasuke Uchiha," he says lowly. I stop him before he can continue. The words come right out of my mouth without thinking.

"You're Itachi's brother..."

Sasuke's eyes flip to mine and grow wide with a dark curiosity, "You know him?"

"I used to—" I start before Kakashi cuts me off with a threatening glare. His eye says 'don't' so I shut up and change the topic. "It's not important. Please, go on."

Sasuke frowns before returning to his introduction, "I don't really like anything. I like to train, I guess. And in my future, I will avenge my clan and kill a certain someone."

I don't have to ask to know that the 'someone' he's referring to is his brother. Just about everyone knows about the Uchiha massacre at this point, and with Itachi's face appearing in every bingo book as a member of the Akatsuki, nobody has to question who is responsible for the massacre.

I feel a certain sadness for Sasuke, having experienced what he did. I never knew my parents, so I can't imagine what it'd be like to bond with them and have them murdered before my eyes. This kid must be resiliently strong to endure something like that. It's only natural for him to be angry about it and want to seek revenge.

Kakashi goes next but his introduction can barely be considered one, "My name is Kakashi Hatake. I don't feel like telling you my interests and disinterests. As for my hobbies, I have many."

I roll my eyes at his lack of introduction and cross my arms, "Intriguing, " I say sarcastically. "I guess I'll go, then."

I prepare to one-up him with my introduction. Maybe the genin will like me more than him. A little competition never hurt anybody.

"Ayame Sarutobi. 29. ANBU Black Op for eleven years. I'm a wind-style user and I can also harness lightning nature," this gets an eyebrow raise from Kakashi and I smirk, continuing with pride. "I like to train or go for walks. Cloud watching is fun. Star gazing is pretty cool."

Naruto is making a weird face. It's contorted strangely like he's trying to work something out. Finally he speaks, voicing his confusion, "Sarutobi... isn't that the old man Hokage's last name?"

I nod cooly and affirm the young boy's suspicions, "Lord Third is my uncle."

This earns me another strange look from the yellow-haired twerp. He gets up real close to my face and I turn my head uncomfortably. I can almost smell the cup-ramen on his breath and it makes my stomach churn.

"Say, say, I didn't know that old man had siblings!" he queries. I lightly shove him away from me with one finger until he's sitting on his knees again and I can finally breathe.

I sigh. I didn't want to pour all my personal information out in one sitting but the yellow-haired boy persistently inquires. "My mother had me at a young age before leaving the village. Uncle Hiruzen took care of me."

Naruto crosses his arms and nods like he understands but he still looks confused as hell. I don't feel like trying to re-explain it. _Gee, this kid is stupid._

Sakura perks up, asking a dreaded question I resent with my whole being. "What about your father?"

I frown, unable to hide the distaste as it creeps onto my face. "Don't know him."

Everyone's silent for a moment before Kakashi breaks the tension. I'm thankful for it. "Let's move on," he says.

We walk into the clearing and the hot afternoon sun beats down on us. I start to wish I'd worn something lighter—the long pants don't help much and this thick green jonin vest lets little to no air through. I settle for rolling my sleeves and the bottom of my pants as well as my shirt up and taking the green vest off for now.

After I place my vest neatly behind a tree and return to the group, I earn a weird look from Kakashi.

"What?" I blurt. He shakes his head.

"Nothing."

I smirk and join the group. Naruto is bouncing around like he needs to piss and Sasuke is crossing his arms, head down and eyes closed. Sakura is staring at Sasuke and I think pretty soon her eyes might just pop out. 

"Okay," says Kakashi, clapping his hands together to get the attention of the genin. "We're going to do a little team-building exercise. This way we can get to know each other's styles and skills. This knowledge will come in handy on missions... once you guys get past doing D-ranked missions, that is."

I huff thinking about the D-rank missions I'll be dragged along on with these genin when I'd much rather be putting my skills to actual use on something more serious. A pang of sadness resonates when I think about all the cool missions I'm probably missing out on in the ANBU right now. 

"The task will be very simple," Kakashi explains, waving his hands as he talks. "You will each take turns challenging me, 1 v 1." Naruto does a leap and punches the air with his fist and Sasuke just grunts. Sakura... I don't know if she even heard Kakashi. She's too busy glaring at Sasuke. "It will be a... _presentation_ of sorts." I swear he winks at me but I'm not too sure. I'm not looking at him. I'm too distracted by Naruto who's now running around in circles and pumping himself up.

"I'm gonna take you out, Kaka-Sensei!" he exclaims, already forming hand signs for a shadow clone. He makes two shadow clones and they start running towards Kakashi so I quickly draw two shuriken and throw them at the clones. The clones disappear in two _poofs_ of smoke and Naruto mopes. "Aya-Sensei! Why did you ruin my attack?"

I shove the lightly kid on the shoulder and smirk, "He didn't finish explaining, kid. Patience is an important skill for a ninja, you know." Naruto slumps his shoulders and falls to his butt in a cross-legged position while he makes a grumpy face. "You'll get your turn," I say, nudging him softly with my foot.

"As I was saying," Kakashi continues, a chuckle coming through his words. "It will be one on one so that we can grasp your individual styles. Don't hold back. Sakura, you'll start."

Sakura whips her head around and looks wide-eyed at Kakashi before shakily walking towards him. 

"Ready, go!" Kakashi shouts and I expect him to disappear like a shadow clone or some other kind of jutsu but instead, he whips out Icha Icha and I facepalm. 

Sakura throws some kunai and weak punches that Kakashi deflects easily. He traps her in a genjutsu which tires her out. Eventually she gives up and sits down. Naruto goes next, creating four shadow clones and having them all run at Kakashi at once. Kakashi doesn't even look up from his book, deflecting Naruto's head-on approaches with ease. Next goes Sasuke who actually makes Kakashi look up from his book once or twice but still doesn't manage to get any hits. He even uses the Fireball Jutsu I remember Itachi using a lot but Kakashi jumps out of the way and gets behind Sasuke with a kunai to his neck. 

"You're done," he says. "You should never let your enemy get behind you, Sasuke," he lectures. Sasuke grunts and closes his eyes like he doesn't care.

"Well done, you could all use some improvement but you each have individual strengths—"

Naruto cuts Kakashi off, leaping to his feet with an annoyed look on his face. "What about Aya-Sensei!" he shouts, pointing accusingly at Kakashi and I, "Besides, Kaka-Sensei, you barely showed us any of _your_ abilities. Say, say, what do you think?"

Naruto looks at me and waits impatiently for my answer, bouncing on his feet. I sigh and go to protest while Kakashi raises an eyebrow, "I don't think it's necessary, Naruto..."

"What are you, scared? Huh, Kaka-Sensei?" Naruto exclaims, jumping like a little girl. 

"I'd have to book my book away, that's all," Kakashi remarks lazily. I huff and cross my arms.

I smirk, raising an eyebrow myself. _Maybe I can use this as an opportunity to show them all just how badass I am._

_And I wouldn't mind fighting the cold-blooded captain. It's an opportunity I never would have passed down while I was in ANBU._

There it is again, that rush. The adrenaline I get before ANBU missions that runs hot through my blood and gets me all excited. My fingers tap on my thighs and I feel eager at the prospect of doing something exhilarating again.

"Okay, Kakashi," I say, cracking my knuckles and approaching him with my chin held high and my chest puffed out. "I challenge you."

Kakashi sighs and claps his book shut, "If you say so," he groans but there's some amusement in his voice. 

I've been in ANBU with Kakashi for ten whole years but never once have I gotten to fight him. I've seen his chidori first hand multiple times but I doubt he'd use a jutsu like that on me here. I will admit, I am very interested in seeing his taijutsu abilities. _We'll see how they measure up to mine, Captain._

We shake hands with two fingers, the typical Konoha ritual symbolizing a fair and equal fight. We used to do it all the time back in the Academy before taijutsu battles. I feel my heart pumping in my chest, a low and even _thrumb_ as I get into a battle stance. 

And then we fight. I can feel him going easy on me so I throw him a terrible and unexpected punch that smashes his cheek in hard. 

"Don't go easy on me, Kakashi," I growl with a smirk. The next punch I throw he deflects with his forearm before throwing a kick. I leap over his leg as it flies under me and at the same time, throw several more punches. He avoids all of them, leaning back and forth like a bobble-head. 

My leg flies towards his head in a single, even motion but he ducks, grabbing my leg in mid-air. He manages to swing me towards the ground but I do some flips and land hard on my feet.

He moves quicker than I can follow. He's behind me and attempts to get me in a headlock. I will admit, he is very fast—even without his sharingan, he predicts my movements well.

He was a student of the Yellow Flash, after all.

"I can see why you were captain and not me," I shout while avoiding his punches and kicks skillfully. I've almost forgotten that the genin are there, being so caught up in my adrenaline and riding the rush of this fight. 

He smirks under his mask and says, "Or maybe it's 'cause you're afraid to break the rules once in a while."

I don't have time to figure out what he means before he disappears in a cloud of smoke— _a shadow clone? I thought this was a taijutsu-only fight_ —and he reappears behind me with a kunai to my neck. We stand completely still and I can feel the cold metal pressing against my neck.

"I thought this was taijutsu only," I mutter, breathing heavily in my chest from the exercise. 

Kakashi chuckles and mutters so only I can hear, "Nobody ever said that. We're not ANBU anymore, Ayame. You're allowed to break the rules now."

"If that's the case..." I murmur. I slip from Kakashi's grasp, allowing his knife to pierce the skin on my throat. I grunt out in discomfort but get over it very quickly as the adrenaline from the fight takes over again, numbing the pain.

Kakashi's eye goes wide and he drops his kunai, making his way over to me. 

"Oh my god—" he starts, eyes scanning from my face to the cut on my neck and back again. While he does this, I pull my chakra blades out. They emit a blue glow and tingle on my knuckles. 

_This is it, Kakashi. You're done for._

As he approaches with concern on his features, I use the opening to rush in with my blades. He deflects the one arm but the other is heading for him, full force.

It misses as he ducks and he sends one back my way. His fist near-misses my face and while he's still recovering from the swing, I shoot up and get him at knife point. 

I'm about to celebrate my victory until I feel something cold again my own neck. When I look down, I realize he's got me a knife point too. So we stand across from each other, each one with a blade to the other's neck. 

_A damn tie._

"Shit," I whisper so the genin don't hear. He smirks beneath his mask and removes the knife from my neck. I do the same.

"What the hell were you thinking, getting yourself cut like that! Is your neck okay?" is the first thing he asks. He pulls some bandages out of his pouch and holds them to the wound but I flick his hand off and hold the bandages myself. 

"I'm fine, baka. It's just a scratch and I did it on purpose to distract you," I snarl with a half-smile. Kakashi sighs and furrows his eyebrows.

After a short moment of silence, he speaks up, loud enough so I can hear his confidence but not enough for the genin to hear, "I would have won if I'd used my sharingan."

"Let yourself believe that, Kakashi," I chuckle. "Whatever helps you sleep at night."

I see him smirk and his eyes meet mine for a moment with a soft look. The moment is short because I cut it off, returning to the genin who are cheering and gaping at us with wide, impressed eyes.

"Wow, Aya-Sensei and Kaka-Sensei, you guys are insane!" Naruto gleams. Sakura smiles widely and Sasuke nods with a grunt, which for him means approval. I'll take it. 

Kakashi joins us with a closed eye smile and his hands resting lazily in his pockets. 

Suddenly there's a loud grumble. I find my fingers on a kunai, ready to strike at any moment.

Sakura takes notice and giggles, "It's okay, Ayame-Sensei, it was just Naruto's stomach grumbling again."

Naruto slumps on the ground and holds his rumbling stomach, "I want Ichiraku-Ramen," he mutters. Then his eyes light up and he looks to Kakashi. Kakashi steps back with his hands raised in surrender as if he knows what Naruto is going to say, but he says it before Kakashi can stop him. "I know! Let's all go to Ichiraku! Kaka-Sensei's treating!"

Kakashi's arms fall limp as the kids get up and start running out of the training ground towards Ichiraku's.

"Why is it always me?" he mutters helplessly, following the genin begrudgingly. I giggle under my breath and follow behind.

You know, this team thing isn't seeming so bad. Of course, I'll always miss the thrill of ANBU missions but this new Sensei role is actually proving pretty fun so far. _Even though I have to be stuck on a team with Kakashi,_ I think, rolling my eyes. 

He is a good battle partner, though, I must admit.

* * *

Everyone went home after they'd filled their bellies with ramen. Naruto ended up eating four large bowls of ramen and I honestly thought we'd have to roll him out of there in a wheelchair. That kid has no self-control whatsoever. 

The evening is warm enough so I decide to go for a night stroll, enjoying the cooling air and all the night-sounds. The streets have begun to empty out as people are going home to sleep but there's still some life left—mostly from the clubs and bars. Occasionally, I pass some drunken people whose cheeks are puffy and pink and stumble along happily.

When I pass an alley where two people are shoving their tongues down each other's throats, I have to quickly look away to keep from gagging. 

_Have some decency and do that somewhere else,_ I think as I try to get the picture out of my head. I've never understood people that make-out in public. _It's gross and nobody wants to see that._

Other than the odd public display of affection I catch here and there, I quite enjoy walking at night. There's something serene about ending a long day with some fresh air and star-gazing. 

The fresh air is suddenly knocked right out of my lungs when I'm forced against a stand of magazines as a large man holds me at the neck. I feel my knife wound re-open and wince at the pain.

The man shouts at my face and I can smell the alcohol on his breath, "I thouuught I tolddd you to g-get lost!" he shouts, slurring through angry words. I struggle for a breath and try to pry his fingers off my neck as I grunt out as much of a response as possible.

"I don't—know what you're— _urg_ —talking about!"

His eyes are very close to mine for a brief moment and the smell of alcohol is strong in his warm breath. I turn my face away from his, grunting out at the pain in my neck. I reach for my weapons pouch but begin feeling weakness take over. His grasp is tight, sucking the oxygen from my lungs.

"I told you to abort the damn child," he mutters through drunken hiccups, "But you never listen to me, huh? You've never listened to a damn thing I say, _Akaya."_

_Akaya. That's my mother's name._

The breath gets caught in my throat, but not only because of his tight hand around my neck. 

When I look into his eyes, shock fills me from head to toe. 

His eyes and my eyes are exactly the same.

Brown with hazel specks. 

The man's grasp on my neck suddenly loosens when he's pulled off of me by someone strong. The drunk man falls to the ground, hitting hard enough to make him pass out.

I stare down at the passed out man in the street and my jaw hangs open, tears pushing at the corners of my eyes.

_It can't be him. It has to be a coincidence._

Someone is in my face with their hands on my shoulders, trying to get my attention, but I'm too focused on the drunk man.

Could it be? Is this my father? A no-good drunk? And d _id he really want my mom to abort me?_

"Are you hurt? Ayame, please answer me," someone pleads, shaking my shoulders a little. When I finally look up from who could be my father, my eyes catch on Kakashi's, "That wound, we should go to the hospital and get it checked out. It's bleeding a lot," he whispers, voice full of concern.

But I'm too distracted to be concerned about my neck. 

_That's my father,_ I keep repeating in my head. _A drunk who didn't even want me._ He probably won't even remember this in the morning. He only recognized me because he thought I was my mother in his drunken state.

A single tear slips and falls slowly down my cheek and I'm too far in my own thoughts to realize Kakashi lift me and take me to the hospital, running as fast as his legs will travel.


	6. VI ~ Hospital Jello is the Worst

She didn't want me. She left as soon as I was born. Not even he wanted me. He wanted her to get an abortion.

The beat of the hospital monitors is the only thing keeping me steady. It beats continuously, the only thing constant in my mind right now. Thoughts whirl in and out of my head while I lay in the bed, eyes locked shut. I can't even cry anymore.

My entire body feels numb from not moving. I've laid in the same position in this bed since he set me on it. I can't move. All I can do is lie here as my mind screams horrible things at me uncontrollably.

_You were never wanted._

"You should eat something," I can hear Kakashi's voice beside me but it merges with all the other thoughts raging in my head.

_You have no worth._

_Beep. Beep. Beep._ I focus on the heart monitor to try and distract myself. _Beep. Beep. Beep._

"Ayame," there's his voice again, soft and concerned but just another thought like all the rest. _Beep. Beep._

_Your father is a drunk._

I can feel a hand on my shoulder but I ignore the sensation the same way I ignore the pain in my neck and the low aching in my head.

_You came from nothing._

"Wake up, please. You can't lie like this forever..."

_You are a nobody._

_Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep..._

_Your mother should have aborted you._

_BEEP, BEEP_ — _BEEP, BEEP._

The high pitched noise speeds up, taking on an unsteady rhythm. I can feel my breathing intensify but my body won't move. All I can do is feel and think.

All my life, I've wondered about my father. Even Hiruzen didn't know who he was. My mother refused to tell him. Now, after years of wondering, I wish more than anything I could unlearn.

A new sensation takes effect on me. The familiar smell of cigarette breath steadies my heartbeat and I open my eyes.

His eyes are at my level and filled with concern. I blink slowly, taking in his familiar features.

He furrows his dark brows and pushes the hair off my face as he looks at me with his golden-brown eyes.

"Sis," he mutters. I like it when he calls me that. We're practically siblings anyways. "You need to snap out of it."

I take slow, deep breaths, enjoying his comforting presence. He's always been the closest thing I've had to family. Uncle Hiruzen was always so busy with Hokage stuff, so I spent a lot of time with my cousin. He's like a brother to me.

"Come on," he says. I feel his hands on my shoulders, pushing me up. He slides pillows behind my back until I'm in an upright position. "Eat something. It'll make you feel better."

Finally, words make it past my lips. They're quiet and barely comprehensible but Asuma understands them, nonetheless.

"My father..."

Asuma nods and places a warm hand on my shoulder, "Don't worry about that. Hiruzen ordered an interrogation on him. They're gonna find out who that man was and go from there."

"He's my father," I whisper.

"We don't know that. He was extremely intoxicated. You shouldn't worry about that right now. Here," he says, offering a spoonful of jello. I gulp it down.

I can see Kakashi leaning back in a chair in the corner of the room, sleeping deeply.

Asuma catches me looking, "He stayed up all night keeping watch on you. Wouldn't leave even when the nurses offered to take over."

I take another spoonful of jello and fight back a gag reflex as the jiggly substance slides down my throat, tickling on the way down. I've always hated the feeling of jello in my throat.

Asuma sees my distaste and sets the jello cup down.

"Hospital jello is the worst, huh?"

I nod and lean into the pillows at my back, staring up at the blindingly white ceiling.

"Hokage-Sama says he's got a mission for your team as soon as you're out of the hospital," Asuma says, clearly trying to entice me to get out of bed.

I shrug, "It's probably a dumb D-ranked mission anyways. I wish I could go on an ANBU mission."

Asuma frowns and lets out a sigh, "Always seeking a rush, huh?"

I half-smile and shrug at Asuma who shakes his head with a smirk.

"It's when I feel like the best version of myself," I mutter, feeling a pang of sadness over the life I'm missing out on. "I don't understand why Uncle Hiruzen pulled me. I was one of his best ANBU."

Asuma goes to pull out a cigarette but I nod my chin at the hospital setting with a raised eyebrow and he thinks better of it.

"I'm a sensei too, you know. You speak of the job like it's below you."

I frown and lean into the pillows, muttering, "I just miss my old life, that's all."

"I think you'd really enjoy this one if you let yourself."

"Yeah, maybe. But I don't think I'll ever let myself," I say, putting my arms up and behind my head and sighing.

Asuma chuckles and shakes his head at me, "Always been a stubborn one."

Kakashi shifts in his chair and when he opens his eyes to see Asuma here, offers to leave.

"It's okay," I say. I'm stubborn, but I'm not a terrible person. "You may as well stay, considering you were here all night waiting for me to wake up."

Kakashi walks to the end of my bed with his hands in his pockets, "Hokage-Sama has a mission for us," he says, trying the same tactic as Asuma.

When my eyes catch Asuma's, he mouths the word 'go' and I let out a sigh.

"Okay, I'll go."

Both men at my bedside smile and I find myself grinning.

It's an unfortunate and boring mission assignment, a D-ranked mission, but I'll bare it out for Asuma's sake. I know how much he wants me to give it a chance.

And I'll do anything for my brother.

So I guess it's D-ranked missions for me.

We arrive with the three genin in a room with a long table and various people behind it. The Hokage sits in the middle surrounded by village elders and Academy teachers.

"Team 7: your next mission is to rescue a cat from-"

The Hokage is blatantly cut off by Naruto who gapes and crosses his arms, throwing a mini fit.

I whisper snarl at him to shut up and obey but he looks pointedly at me, "No! I will not go on another cat-rescuing or garbage cleaning dumb D-ranked mission! That's what the _D_ in D-ranked mission means, _D umb!_ I am Uzumaki Naruto, future Hokage! Give us something challenging!"

"Naruto!" Iruka shouts from behind the desk, embarrassed by his previous student. Kakashi sighs and looks strangely at Naruto. We're all feeling annoyed by him. The kid never knows when to keep his mouth shut.

"Fine," Hokage-Sama says, shocking all of us. Naruto leaps up, eyes wide.

"Really? Really? What mission will you give us? Some A-ranked mission to capture a crazy criminal, right old man? Right?"

I furrow my eyebrows as I stare at Hiruzen who sits calmly behind the desk.

"You will escort Tazuna, the bridge builder, back to the Land of Waves and see to it that the bridge gets built to completion," Lord Third grunts as the door opens behind us.

A wrinkly man stumbles in, hiccoughing while he swings his arm around carelessly. He holds a bottle of sake in his fumbling grip. Tazuna makes a comment about the pathetic pipsqueaks who are escorting him.

I hear a groan start to escape my lips but quickly suppress it.

For once, I actually agree with Naruto, who starts adamantly complaining about the mission.

"Would you rather pick up garbage, Naruto?" Kakashi mutters. Naruto freezes and slumps into a ball on the ground.

"No," he mutters, totally defeated.

"It's settled then. Team 7, you have your first C-ranked mission!"

"C is for Cool, Naruto," I mutter with a smirk. He frowns, eyes looking totally dead. _It's okay, Naruto. That's how I feel inside right now._

* * *

**A/N: I'm messing with the canon order of events on this mission. Please forgive me. Enjoy! ~R**

* * *

The sky is clear and the sun shines down relentlessly. I wipe the sweat off my forehead with my arm multiple times, wishing I had an ugly, pointy hat like the bridge builder's.

He walks with us in a grumble, complaining about our team's lack of experience.

"Ayame and I are experienced Jonin," Kakashi says with a closed eye smile. "When we're around, you have nothing to worry about. But there shouldn't be anything to worry about anyways, right?"

Tazuna looks away and grunts, refusing to answer. When I spot a puddle on the path, Kakashi and I exchange a look and our suspicions are confirmed. I sigh, thinking about what this drunk old man must have gone through to get this passed as a supposedly non-dangerous, C-ranked mission.

"And this orange kid bothers me. He's jumpy and annoying. There's no way he's a qualified ninja," Tazuna remarks, which earns him a wide-eyed look from Naruto.

"Look, old man! See this headband? This shows that I am a full-fledged ninja!" he exclaims as he points to his hitai-ate with a thumb. "You'd better remember me old man, because I, Naruto Uzumaki, am gonna be Hokage some day, dattebayo!"

"When pigs fly," Tazuna remarks. I snicker, curling my nose in amusement. 

Sasuke grunts and crosses his arms like he always does. In fact, he never really says much of anything. Just _'hn hn hn hn hn'._ It's like his own language. I wonder if there are other people who understand the differences between all his grunts.

In the corner of my eye, I spot the shimmer of a water-clone that's made itself invisible and all it takes is one exchanged glance with Kakashi and I pull my knuckle-blades out. But I catch Kakashi's eye and he shakes his head. I don't have time to show my confusion before Kakashi is wrapped in the enemy's chains and the genin are screaming. I feel a hand on my wrist before I'm _poofed_ into a tree, high out of view.

"Wha-" but Kakashi cuts me off.

"Watch. We need to see who they're after," he whispers, pointing to the enemy.

I watch intently as the two ninja try to attack Naruto but Sasuke stops their attack with some shuriken. While Sasuke's guarding Naruto, they go right around him and head for Tazuna who's being guarded by a jittering Sakura.

"Kakashi..." I mutter, eyes wide as the enemy gets closer to them, "Kaka-"

"Just wait," he says, eyes not leaving the events below.

Sasuke lodges their chains into some trees with his kunai, stopping them before they can reach Sakura and Tazuna but their mechanical-looking arms stretch out, heading towards them anyways. I'm about to ignore Kakashi's order and go jump down myself when Sasuke jumps in front of Sakura and Tazuna, and Kakashi mutters just loud enough, " _Now._ "

And then we jump, appearing behind each enemy in an instant. I get my guy at the throat with one of my blades while Kakashi locks his guy in a headlock.

Naruto and Sakura gape at us, both still trembling in fear. Tazuna sighs heavily in relief.

"What! Kaka-Sensei! But I thought you- but-" Naruto starts but he turns to where Kakashi's body was and sees a log in its place.

"We had to see who these guys were after," he mutters, looking down at the guy he has in a headlock. "Sorry if you got hurt. I didn't think you'd freeze up, Naruto."

Naruto mopes as Kakashi compliments Sasuke, "Well done, Sasuke. And you, Sakura. You both held your ground very well and protected Tazuna." I peer at Naruto whose eyes are wide in disbelief. I can see the concoction of sadness, anger, and jealousy in his eyes as he watches Kakashi compliment the others.

I walk to his side, placing a hand on his yellow mop of hair. "It's okay, Naruto," I mutter so only he hears. "That was totally unexpected. It's alright to feel afraid the first time you're confronted by an enemy."

Naruto looks up at me with his big blue eyes and smiles, and I feel warmth enter my heart. _Damn, I never thought I'd feel protective of this annoying little brat._ Maybe it's because I can see a bit of myself in him—the child that never knew his parents and struggles with his identity and relationship with others.

The village views him as the monster nine-tails and not the child that he is. In the same way, people often viewed me as the bastard child taken in by the Hokage. People know I'm not Hiruzen's child, though he raised me, and murmurs used to go around the village about my mother having me at 17. I was all the talk of the village for a while, until Naruto was born and eyes moved to him instead.

I feel a small amount of guilt that I was relieved from prying eyes by this poor kid. It should still be me, not this child. He doesn't deserve it, any of it.

In the same way, Sasuke is undeserving of his situation too. Though he isn't ridiculed by the village like Naruto, Sasuke experiences the same kind of pain and struggle as Naruto. They're more similar than they think. It's a shame that they bump heads so much.

I see his brother, Itachi, in him. Back in the ANBU, I worked on Team Ro with Itachi for almost two years before he was made a captain, just prior to annihilating his clan and going rogue. We didn't talk much. Itachi wasn't much more than a teammate to me, but I saw his skill level. Anyone with eyes could tell Itachi was advanced beyond his time. Not only was he a powerful weapon wielder, but his use of the sharingan was impeccable.

I know how difficult it must've been for Sasuke, living in his elder brother's shadow, expected to live up to him. I felt that for a long time, trying to live up to my surname, _Sarutobi_. With my uncle being the Third Hokage and such a powerful shinobi, I felt the pressure to live up to people's expectations too.

That's part of what pushed me to train so hard and join ANBU, I guess. And the ANBU was a great place for me to hide my face. I didn't like being seen—my face in the open for people to glare at, a reminder of my mother. We apparently look so much alike that my drunk father would mistake me for her almost 30 years later.

I wonder if my mother was a powerful ninja like her brother, Hiruzen.

He doesn't like to talk about her.

It seems mention of both my parents is taboo. _Where does that leave me?_

We continue walking, Naruto occasionally gripping the hand he cut with his own kunai. I'm impressed; he really grew in that moment, proving his dedication to the mission. But come on kid. You got poisoned and a horrible wound on your hand. Wouldn't it have been easier to just say it aloud?

I guess the less dramatic way of doing things is not Naruto's way.

What a strange kid.

I begin to feel that familiar rush, knowing this is more likely a B- or A-ranked mission. The genin are on edge, and Kakashi is still grumbling about the fact that Tazuna lied to get a cheaper price on ninja escorts, but I'm happy. I live for this kind of stuff.

Maybe it will get super serious and someone dangerous like an S-ranked criminal will show up. Wouldn't that be wild?

I tune out Naruto and Sakura's bickering, pointing my face to the sky and bathing in the hot sun. A smile plays on my lips. _I guess you were right as always, Asuma. This isn't as bad as I thought. Actually, it's kinda great._

When I open my eyes again, Kakashi is looking at me in the corner of his eye.

"What?" I snap. He quickly collects himself.

"Nothing," he says, but I swear he smirks under that mask of his.

 _Well, great except for_ him _. I wish he'd stop staring at me all the time. It makes me feel so weird. The last time someone looked at me like that..._

I shake my head, trying to evade the thought before it comes.

To my great luck, we arrive at a small dock, which gives me something else to focus on.

"We're taking a boat?" Sakura asks, perplexed. She looks out on the lake, squinting her eyes to try and see through the fog.

"It's the only way to enter the Land of Waves," Tazuna says, climbing into the boat.

We all step in, one at a time. I'm the last one to enter. When I go to step down, Kakashi offers me a hand. I shoot him a death glare but he still persists, not backing down. Begrudgingly, I take his hand as I climb into the boat.

"Yashaaaa! We're off!" Naruto shouts as he jumps, making the boat rock. I almost fall over the edge but Kakashi's hand saves me.

"Idiot," Sasuke mutters, turning his head away from Naruto. Naruto shoots back with his best attempt at a menacing look. The two boys glare each other down in a tense staring contest.

I feel Kakashi's warm fingers tighten around mine before he lets me go. At the same time, a strange feeling flutters in my stomach. 

I blame it on the rocking boat, a delayed reaction from almost falling out.

When he offers the spot on the bench beside him, I turn my head like Sasuke did to Naruto and walk unsteadily towards the very back of the boat, sitting cross-legged on the floor and looking out on the fog-covered water.

 _I won't give in to my body's dumb reactions to his dumb attempts to bond with me._ I know we both agreed that the kiss didn't mean anything, and he claimed he _'didn't know'_ why he did it, but I also know that the body and mind often act separately from each other. It's one of the many flaws of human beings, the dis-synchronization between the body and mind. A flaw. An imperfection. One that only leads to pain and heartbreak.

So, I'm perfectly aware that he said one thing and felt another.

And _I'm_ _not_ planning to let myself give in to these _feelings._

I'm not gonna give up my synchronicity that easily.


	7. VII ~ Room, Singular

"Welcome! And please, make yourselves at home. I'll show you to your rooms," the kind blue-haired lady, Tazuna's daughter, exclaims as she hustles us into the small home. A small black-haired boy with a blue striped bucket hat watches us curiously from the side of the room.

As we pass the living area, Tsunami points to the couches, apologizing that there weren't beds for everyone to sleep on. The genin each claim one of the three couches, Sakura fighting with Naruto for the one beside Sasuke. Sasuke sets his bag down and sits, closing his eyes and pretending he can't hear the other two.

"This way to your room, guys," she says.

"Room?" I mutter.

"It's nothing fancy. It's the master, I don't mind taking the guest room anyways. I hope you'll find it comfortable-"

"We're _not_ together," I grunt. Tsunami goes red as she looks between us, her soft eyes flitting from me to Kakashi.

"O-oh, I'm sorry, I just assumed-"

Kakashi cuts her off, "The room will be fine. Thank you, we appreciate your hospitality while Tazuna builds the bridge."

_Nope. Absolutely not. Big bag of nope. This is not happening._

I immediately shoot Kakashi a wide-eyed glare, intending to lecture him, but hold back while Tsunami is present.

"Yes," I manage through gritted teeth. The words are hard coming out, but I muster up as much kindness as possible. It isn't her fault, after all. She's been very kind to take us all in like this. "Thank you, Tsunami. You're very thoughtful."

"O-of course. I-It's no problem, really," she stammers, obviously embarrassed for assuming we were together. She opens the door to the master, letting us in first. "I-I can get a sleeping bag--or I could make a bed of blankets on the floor beside the-"

Kakashi cuts her off with a closed eye smile and a soft hand on her shoulder, "It's quite alright," he says. "We will figure it out."

Tsunami nods quickly before escaping down the hallway, her small feet echoing on the hard floor.

I glare at the single, queen sized bed in the middle of the room.

"What a great fucking situation," I mutter under my breath.

Kakashi chuckles and walks in, tossing his bag on the floor at one side of the bed.

"I mean, it's a queen sized-"

"You don't seriously expect me to sleep in the same bed with you," I grunt, stomping across the room and tossing my bag on a small chair in the corner. "I'll sleep here."

Kakashi shrugs, falling onto the bed and sprawling out like a starfish. I groan in frustration.

"Whatever, have it your way," he says, yawning loudly.

At dinner, Tsunami makes small talk, asking us about our village and the shinobi system. Sakura happily answers many of her questions while Sasuke and Naruto glare each other down across the table, seemingly in a staring contest.

I should just stop bothering with those two. Seriously.

I perk up when I hear my name.

"I'm sorry, I was totally zoned out. Can you repeat that?" I say, feeling slightly embarrassed by my rudeness. Tsunami takes no offence and giggles.

"It's alright. You must be exhausted after today's long journey," she says sweetly. I nod and realize she's right. As if all at once, I feel the exhaustion from the day wash over me.

"I am," I say, trying to stifle a yawn. "I might head to sleep early. Thank you for the meal, Tsunami-san. You really overdid yourself. It was delicious."

Tsunami waves my compliment, pink rising to her cheeks.

"Goodnight Ayame-Sensei!" Naruto grins, stuffing his face with more rice. The kid is demolishing his meal like he's never had a real meal in his life. I guess I know how he feels—I also ate cup ramen alone for many months of my life, so I know how great real food must taste to him. _But seriously, learn some manners kid._

I give a two-fingered wave before heading up to the room.

I sigh looking at the tiny chair in the corner. For a moment, I consider finding a nice tree branch outside to sleep on, but when I pull the curtains and see the mist and layer of dew on everything, I push that thought away.

Sighing heavily, I fall onto the perfectly made bed and stare up at the ceiling, dreading every minute I have to sleep on that tiny chair in the corner.

 _It's better than the alternative,_ I remind myself.

I can hear crickets chirping through the opened window and the cool breeze from outside makes me feel even more tired than I already am. The sound is soothing, a repetitive noise that distracts me from my thoughts and makes a wave of relaxation fall over my heavy body. I close my eyes for just a moment, allowing myself a few seconds to enjoy the cool breeze on my face.

My eyes snap open. I forget where I am for a moment, it doesn't feel familiar.

_Oh, right. The Land of Waves._

I go to move but something stops me. Arms. Large, muscular arms wrapped tightly around me. One around my torso and the other under my neck.

I feel my heart beat rapidly, increasing with the realization.

When I turn my head ever so carefully, his grey mop of hair falls on my face. I jump slightly, but I'm still held back by strong arms.

My breathing grows quick and shallow as I take in the situation.

How the _fuck._

Oh no. I fell asleep. I laid down for two seconds and fell asleep.

I try to pry myself out of his grasp without waking him. Maybe he rolled over in his sleep and wrapped himself around me without realizing it. That would be best case scenario. _Worst case..._ I don't want to think about it. I try to will the thought of him _consciously deciding to spoon me_ out of my head.

He shifts a bit, warm breath from his nose hitting the back of my neck. It sends shivers through my whole body.

 _Good shivers? Bad shivers?_ I decide to assume the latter.

Finally, I pry myself completely from his grasp and roll quietly off the bed.

I stare at the sleeping figure on the bed. His hair falls down and forward, pieces covering his forehead. He still wears the mask, connected to a tight black tank top. _Very tight._ It hardly leaves anything to the imagination.

I will myself to look away. I can feel my body falling out of sync with my mind again.

No matter how much I know in my mind that I shouldn't stare, my eyes just won't look away.

They take in every little detail. The sharp shape of his jaw underneath the mask. The curves of his biceps. The swirling ANBU tattoo on his shoulder that we both share. The cut and defined lines on his abdomen...

I force my eyes shut, struggling to control myself. My body is no longer in sync with my mind. Instead, my mind seems in sync with my body, answering to its desires.

It's like my body has taken the reins on my mind and I have no control over it. The thoughts come and go, passing through without consequence.

I think about the mask. Why does he wear it? What could he be hiding?

And the tattoo on his left shoulder. Black and swirling like a leaf on fire. A symbol of his past involvement in the ANBU. At this thought, my mind drifts again.

I wear my tattoo with pride. It reminds me of the best years of my life.

But if I recall correctly, they certainly weren't the best of Kakashi's.

I don't know his whole back story. He was just my captain, after all, and I wasn't real interested in prying into the depths of the cold-blooded captain's personal life. But the rumors were still there, muttered around the village and in the locker room when he wasn't around.

They floated from person to person like a storm cloud. Eager tongues would pass them on, feeling it impossible to keep to themselves.

_His father committed suicide after the village ridiculed him for choosing his comrades' lives over the mission._

_His comrade died in front of his eyes, the one who gave him the sharingan._

_His other comrade died to his own hand with the same terrible jutsu he uses to assassinate our targets on ANBU missions._

_His sensei, the Fourth Hokage, died in the nine-tails attack on the village, 12 years ago._

_He has nobody. He only has the darkness in his heart._

I wonder how many of those rumors are true.

I wonder how he copes with it all.

I shiver in the cool breeze from the window and realize I have no blanket. Other than the cloak I carry in my bag on missions, all I have is my thin undershirt and loose pants, those typical of a jonin's outfit. They do little to protect me from the cold, night air.

I slide the window shut but the room is still filled with cold air, sending chills throughout my body. When I huddle in the chair with my cloak wrapped around me, I struggle to find warmth.

For the rest of the night, I shiver in the small chair, going in and out of sleep but never getting truly comfortable.

As soon as light begins to appear on the horizon, I slide my shoes on and slip outside. The air is crisp and chilly, filled with morning moisture. The usually thick fog is almost non-existent and there's a layer of dew on everything which causes the grass, trees, and everything else to shimmer slightly.

I find my way to the lakeside and peer out on the crystal clear water. It's a perfect reflection of the yellow and orange sky, enhancing the beauty of it all.

Sunrises; a symbol of a new day. New beginnings. Light appearing after a long, dark night.

No matter what happens, sunrises are proof that every day can begin beautifully. And I guess the same could be said about sunsets, that every day can _end_ beautifully, though I must admit I prefer sunrises. Sunsets, to me, are like a betrayal. They entice you with their beauty, only to leave you in darkness.

A strange thought enters my head, swirling like an old, unfamiliar scent:

The same things I say about sunsets could be said about love. I fell victim to the enticing beauty of love once. It was like a beautiful sunset. The colors were unlike any I'd ever seen before. But then they faded to black and I was left with nothing but a dark, empty heart.

But I don't feel much like thinking about that this morning. I'd rather enjoy the sunrise and think about simple things like my favorite ninja tools and mission formations. Things that are easy and predictable. Things that don't mess with my body-mind synchronization.

In the corner of my eye, I spot someone else walking towards the long dock.

_Who else would be getting up at this early hour of the morning?_

When I look closer, I notice his duck-butt, bluish-black hair and onyx eyes. He sits on the side of the dock, legs dangling over the water. It seems he hasn't noticed me yet.

I get up and approach him, sitting a couple of feet from him and dangling my legs off the dock too.

"You're an early riser," I say. He stares forward at the lake, his eyes a void.

"Speak for yourself," he mutters. I didn't really expect a reply from him. I thought it would be something along the lines of 'hn', so this surprises me a little.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask, noticing his steady, glassy eyes as they stare into the rising mist off the reflective lake.

He blinks a few times and looks down at his lap. I wonder for a second if my words fell on deaf ears but he eventually mutters his answer, just loud enough for me to hear. His voice is low and he seems uncomfortable sharing with me but does nonetheless, "This lake, it's so much like the one I used to practice my Fire Ball Jutsu at with my brother and father."

I'm silent for a moment, wondering why Sasuke is opening up to me about this. I guess I did ask him, but it was more of a way to break the silence. I didn't expect a real answer from the grunt-master himself.

"Oh," I say, looking out on the lake. I'm thinking about Itachi now and how well he executed the Fire Ball Jutsu on our ANBU missions—a single blow and he could take out two dozen shinobi or more at once. It was truly a remarkable sight. I wonder how Sasuke's fireball jutsu compares to Itachi's.

"Hn," Sasuke says, once again resorting to his grunt language.

I turn my head and look at him. He hides the pain well. But I can see beneath that facade the struggle he goes through to live up to his brother. It's interwoven with anger and rage, an overwhelming need for revenge for what Itachi did to his clan, but the struggle is evident through it all.

"Sasuke," I say, barely breathing the words. I'm afraid I'll say something wrong and trigger his anger. "Why are you so set on revenge? Can't you see the dark path it'll take you down? Is that really the way you want to go?"

Sasuke rests his chin on his hands, closing his eyes. For a moment, he looks at peace with himself. When his eyes open, they're filled with a fiery determination. The hurting child is gone and replaced by a blood-thirsty savage. "I will do anything to avenge my clan," he says, voice low and rumbling. He doesn't second guess a single word; like he's been pondering them all his life. "I don't care what it takes, _I will kill_ Itachi Uchiha."

I feel a shiver run down my spine, and it's not from the cool morning air. Sasuke's composure has completely changed—like he's a different person from the one I sat down beside earlier.

The words are in my throat and I urge myself to stay quiet lest I make things worse, but they come out anyways, clear and concise. "My mother left me after I was born. She was 17." Sasuke doesn't react, seemingly untouched by my words, but I continue anyways. "She left and I hate her for it. Sometimes I even hate her for having me in the first place. My father was a drunk nobody who got her pregnant and told her to get an abortion."

At this, Sasuke flinches and I know he's hearing my words. I keep talking, hoping he finds some meaning in my words.

"I grew up without parents. Lord Third raised me because he's my uncle. I had to live up to the Sarutobi name and under the shadow of Hiruzen, a great man. I felt the pressure to live up to people's expectations for me and it weighed on me. Still does, sometimes. But I've found ways to deal."

"Why are you telling me this?" Sasuke mutters, voice on edge. He still refuses to look at me. We continue to glare out on the calm, colorful water.

"Because I don't think we're all that different, you and I."

Sasuke is fuming, his onyx eyes suddenly glaring at me straight-on. "What makes you think you know _anything_ about me?" he bursts, eyes flaring with complete and utter anger. He glares at me across the dock and I take a deep breath.

"I don't," I say in a whisper, looking into the fog, and I see him relax a little in the corner of my vision. "But I can see that you're struggling."

He answers that with another one of his infamous _hn's_ and I take it as my cue to leave. After pushing myself up and taking a few steps, I turn back to Sasuke.

"You're not alone," I add, staring at the back of his head, but I know he hears me as I can feel the tension drop. "You should talk to me more often. You're not terribly boring or annoying to be around."

With that, I return to the house, proud of the sensei-ing I've accomplished already today. I don't think I'm half bad.

Although it's not the same rush I feel on high-level missions, there's something very satisfying about getting through to a student. At least, I hope I got through to him. If not, he's headed down a dark, dark path.

I bump into Kakashi on my way back to the house and he informs me of breakfast and the plan for guarding Zabuza today. He doesn't mention anything about last night.

 _Good,_ I think, letting out a sigh of relief. _He doesn't remember. I'm sure he just rolled over in his sleep, not even realizing._

But my relief is gone as quickly as it came, and replaced with panic when he winks and says, _"How'd you sleep?"_


	8. VIII ~ Impossible

Naruto and Sasuke are getting along better.

Well, they're not trampling each other anymore, which I guess counts for something. Naruto still insists on making everything a battle between him and Sasuke, but Sasuke has backed down and simply ignores Naruto with his continuous, incomprehensible grunts.

It's progress. They might never get along. They might become best of friends. Who knows?

I've taken to sitting on the same side of the table as Kakashi whenever we all sit down for meals. That way, he doesn't catch my eye so much. I felt my face heat up the first time we made eye contact across the table, and I won't be caught like that again. Not if I can help it.

 _Body-mind synchronicity,_ I remind myself.

Conversation rolls easily between us all, and Tsunami guides it for the most part. She loves talking with Tazuna about his progress on the bridge and he loves telling her about it. It's mostly boring stuff like what types of bricks and metals he is using... I zone most of it out.

Occasionally, Tazuna or Tsunami ask us ninja questions. Most days before this one, they asked things about ninja abilities and whatnot. Today, the conversation steers more personal. I guess we've exhausted most of the things we can tell them about shinobi life.

"So, Kakashi-San, you mentioned something about being part of an organization in Konoha? The ' _ABNA_ _'_ or something?"

Naruto chuckles and tries to contain himself behind his hands and I shoot him a look. It freaks him right out and he manages to calm himself.

"The ANBU, yes," Kakashi kindly corrects her. He speaks lowly, as if the topic is taboo. "I apologize but I cannot speak much of their operations. Breaks confidentiality agreements."

Tsunami smiles and nods, understanding, "Of course, of course. I just wondered what the premise was, that's all!"

I cut in, sort of annoyed by Kakashi's reluctance to speak. It's not like she's asking for top-secret information, _baka._ She just wants to know what it is. She's curious.

"The ANBU is a specialized assassination and tactical group. Every Hidden Village has one," I explain, and Tsunami perks up. She looks like a child hearing an interesting story for the first time. "We performed high-level, classified missions for the village, as well as security tasks.

Naruto gapes, looking back and forth from Kakashi to me. His eyes are wide and he shouts, "Ohhh no way! My senseis are _so cool!_ Say, say, tell us more! I want to know more!"

I chuckle and ruffle the over-excited kid's yellow hair and form a closed eye smile, "I can't really tell you anything," I add the next part more for comedic effect but Naruto takes it super seriously, _"or else I'd have to kill you."_

He recoils, putting a small distance between us.

"I-I wasn't asking, I- please don't kill me, Aya-Sensei!"

That gets everyone laughing. Naruto doesn't get the joke and still glares at me in terror.

It's nice, laughing here with my team. I even catch Sasuke smirking. I think Sasuke is finally warming up to us.

"So both you and Kakashi-Sensei were a part of the ANBU?" Sakura asks as she picks at her rice with her chopsticks. I nod and Sakura smirks, "So you two knew each other before you became our senseis! Like old friends?"

I shrug, "I guess you could say that," _Not that we were exactly friends, but I won't be rude about it._ "Kakashi was my captain for a long while."

Naruto looks as if he's analyzing us both meticulously, though I doubt there's much of anything going on in his head.

For a while, we all eat in silence. I finish my rice and set my chopsticks down, bowing to Tsunami who made the meal.

"Thank you for the meal, it was delicious once again," I say. Everyone takes their cues to finish up and thank Tsunami.

Then she ushers us away, insisting she will take care of the clean up, "Now, enjoy your evening. Tazuna is taking the day off tomorrow which means you all get a break too. Go, get some well-deserved rest."

Naruto and Sasuke head outside to train. They've been persistently working on their chakra control every spare chance they get, both trying to one-up each other on how high they can walk up the side of a tree. Sakura's already mastered it.

 _She's got brilliant chakra control, that one._ She will make a great kunoichi, I'm sure of it. She heads outside too but walks the opposite direction of the boys, heading down to the riverbank.

I decide to catch up to her. Considering I've already connected with Naruto and Sasuke, I should take some time connecting with her. I realize just how little I know about her.

"Oy, Sakura!" I exclaim, jogging to her side. She smiles kindly.

"Hey, Ayame-Sensei!"

"I wanted to spend some time with you, get to know you better. I already know Naruto and Sasuke pretty well," she smiles at this, seemingly very happy about it.

"Well, it's easy to forget about me wherever Naruto and Sasuke-kun are involved," I catch a glimpse of sadness cross her features. She kicks a pebble into the water and it makes a splat, causing a ripple effect to break out on the glassy surface.

"Don't say that," I smile, "Don't forget that you mastered precise chakra control in less than a day, while Naruto and Sasuke are still struggling to make it ten feet up the tree," I chime, winking. She giggles.

"Thanks, Ayame-Sensei," Sakura looks up at me, eyes grim. "I just feel- I feel so useless sometimes. Like everyone else is always protecting me and I'm just a nobody."

 _A nobody._ A feeling I am all-too familiar with.

"I feel like I'm in their shadow, you know? They're learning new jutsu and stuff and I'm just in the background. I'll never be able to live up to them."

"I know what you mean... I feel that way sometimes," I admit.

She stares at me like I have two heads.

"YOU? But you're totally cool and stuff, like Kakashi-Sensei! You were an ANBU Black Op!" She praises, making my chest flutter with warmth. I glance at her sidelong and can't help but notice the sun slowly setting on the water behind her.

"I was," I mutter, voice flitting with emotion. She seems to notice but doesn't mention it.

We walk slowly in the last remaining rays of the setting sun. The only noise is our footsteps on the riverbank and a few birds still left in the trees.

"Beautiful sunset, huh Aya-Sensei?"

I nod, forcing a smile to my lips.

"Yes," I lie. "Beautiful."

* * *

He's already passed out by the time I return to the room. He's sprawled out on top of the covers with that dumb porn book of his still open in his hand. _Why does he read that stuff? Why does anybody read it?_

I turn my nose up, thinking about the type of things that go on in those books. _Blagh._

The window is open, as usual, and I struggle to get warm with just my cloak to cover me on the small chair, as usual.

His voice frightens me. I thought he was asleep.

"You look cold," he mutters, eyes still closed.

"How could you possibly know that?" I reply dully. "Your eyes are closed."

He takes a long, deep breath before flipping his book shut and sitting up while opening his eye. He keeps the scarred eye closed.

He looks serene, like nothing is going on in his mind at all. How does he manage that all the time? This man is impossible to read.

"What are you staring at me for? It's frustrating when you do that, you know," I grumble, pulling the cloak closer around myself.

He shrugs, climbing under the covers and turning his back to me. "I won't bother you about it if you want to sleep in the bed. I promise."

I grunt, repositioning myself in the chair.

"As if I'd give in to that. You obviously don't know me, Kaka-baka."

He rolls over, catching my eye. It makes me tense up.

His voice is smooth, a low grumble scratching in the back of his throat, "I know that you're stubborn enough to 'sleep' in that chair all night, and that you're not actually getting much sleep. Must be _exhausting."_

I stifle a yawn, trying desperately to hide it from him. I don't want to admit that he's right. I feel more tired than I have in a long time. The 'sleep' that I've managed in this chair feels more like a short, light nap. Days of guarding Tazuna in the glaring sun has taken a toll on my body. I admittedly feel weaker than when we first arrived.

"Whatever. Have it your way," Kakashi states, putting his book on the bedside table. "It's your fault if we're attacked, _which could happen considering Tazuna's being targeted by Gato and his company._ Don't blame mewhen you don't have the energy to fight back."

I throw the cloak off and shuffle towards the bed. Falling into it with no grace, I slide under the covers and turn my back to him, still holding firm to my grudge. He's right, but I will never voice my defeat. I take his breathy chuckle as my cue to kick him hard in the shin.

"Ow," he utters childishly.

"You promised."

"I didn't say anything," he mutters in defense.

 _Whatever, idiot._ I tug the blankets towards me. I will make him regret this. Maybe he'll move to the chair. That would be a true victory.

Before I can think much more of it, I fall deep into sleep to make up for these last few nights of sleeplessness.

Unfortunately, with deep sleep comes the dreams. A terrible sacrifice required for restfulness.

_My faceless mother walks further and further away from the village and she never once looks back. I yell, urging her to return, but she keeps walking faster. She doesn't care to look back. She just walks and I reach out_ _, only to_ _grab thin air._

_Everything swirls and blurs into nothing before reforming again._

_It's Asuma and Hiruzen. They're watching me from afar, gloomy looks on their faces. They watch the scene unfold but do nothing to help me._

_"You're a burden," Hiruzen whispers, his voice finding its way to_ _m_ _e somehow._

_"You're not my real sister, just the one I was forced_ _to have_ _," Asuma's voice echoes._

_A scruffy looking man approaches me, broken bottle in hand. The smell of alcohol is strong on his breath._

_"You should be dead!" he screams, throwing the bottle. It hits the wall beside me and shatters, broken shards of glass falling like rain. The glass transforms, taking on a look of water. The whole scene shifts to a pond in the middle of nowhere. The sun sets over the water, it's enticing colors absorbed by black. I walk, straining to see in the darkness. My foot catches on something and I yelp, falling onto hard pavement. Light returns but the sky is grim and cloudy. A storm is approaching._

_Colors fade to black and white._

_I'm laying helpless on the cold, hard ground as it begins to rain. It starts slow but quickly becomes a raging storm, lightning and thunder numbing my senses. I hear voices in the distance and strain to see who they're coming from._

_Two silhouettes scream out at each other. One, a young man, maybe only 20, towers over a brown haired girl._ Me? No, it can't be. Who is it? _I get up and walk forward, but each step is like a battle. It feels like there are weights tied to my ankles._

_I get close enough to make out the young girl's face. She has all the same features as me, but she's not me_ _. Her eyes are a dull brown like Hirizen's._ _My eyes trail to her abdomen which is jutting and round._

_The older boy screams, but most of his words are swallowed up by the surrounding storm._

_I make out odd bits of phrases from the two._

_'You never listen to a damn thing I say!'_

_'I told you to get an abortion-'_

_'I'm having her and leaving! You won't ever have to see me again. She doesn't have to know about you either.'_

_'I never wanted this!'_

_'I'll kill her if she finds out about me! I don't want a single damn thing to her!'_

_I watch the brown haired girl collapse, one hand grasping her stomach._

_"No!" she screams, "NO!"_

_"No!"_

_"NO, no no NO NO!"_

_"Ayame,"_

_There's a voice but it's not coming from the screaming couple. I don't have time to think about it when the older man throws a punch at the woman._

_"NO!" This time, the scream is coming from me. I run towards them, tears mixing with the rain that's running down my face as I watch him beat her from afar. I try to get closer but every step they get smaller and smaller, further and further... they're so close yet so far. Just in reach yet impossible to touch._

_Suddenly, both figures turn towards me, drawing knives. They sprint, eyes full of anger and regret. I scream but no sound escapes my lips._

" _Ayame_ ," I feel a hand on my shoulder, shaking me awake. I shoot up, taking hold of the sheets underneath me. I feel the sweat drops run down my face—or maybe they're tears. "It's a dream, you were only dreaming," he whispers. I turn to him, noticing his hands weighing on my shoulders.

And for a moment, though a very short one, I feel grounded. Just like when Tenzo used to snap me out of it when I'd have terrible dreams on our ANBU missions.

"Are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it?"

His soft grey eye seems to glow slightly in the moonlight. The lighting makes the rest of his face—what's left showing apart from his mask—look soft too. His silver eyebrow furrows while he searches my face with a pleading eye.

I'm muttering the words, too broken and vulnerable to be worried about my pride.

"They didn't want me. They tried to kill me," I force through dry sobs.

He holds my shoulders tight, giving the slightest squeeze. His eye is locked on mine, urging to get through to me, "It was just a dream, it's okay. It wasn't real."

A single tear falls from my eye, sliding over the already dried tear-lines on my face. "But it's real," I mutter, so soft he leans in to hear. _No, he's not leaning in. He's pulling me into him._ I feel the warmth of his chest on my cheek. I can hear his stable heartbeat echoing in his rib cage. "I'm just the bastard child that nobody wanted. They never cared about me. Hiruzen took me in by obligation. Nobody cares—"

His arms wrap tightly around me which stops me from speaking any more.

After a moment, he breaks the silence with delicacy.

"I care," he whispers.

He holds me, and I let him.

"I thought we weren't doing that," I mutter.

"Doing what?"

"Caring about each other."

Kakashi is silent for a brief moment, and I focus in on the rhythmic beating inside his chest.

He speaks just loud enough, but his voice remains soft. I hear it rumbling through his chest.

"That's impossible."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guysss I've been waiting so, so long to write that last scene! I hope you loved it as much as I loved writing it!! Honestly, Ayame has been so freaking stubborn up until this point, but we all knew she would reach her breaking point eventually, right?? This is a love story, after all.
> 
> We'll see if it sticks...
> 
> Let me know your thoughts!
> 
> Ja-ne!
> 
> ~R


	9. IX ~ The Day Off

I'm late to breakfast the next morning, crawling out of bed well after sunrise and throwing on comfortable clothes. This is our day off, so I may as well be comfortable.

I can smell the food from upstairs and it makes my mouth water. As I shuffle downstairs, yawning and rubbing my eyes in the process, I think about what I should do with my day off.

I could train. I do miss the feeling of my wind nature running through my chakra. My lightning release could use some work. Maybe I'll try and teach something to one of my pupils.

When I approach the table and see Naruto and Sasuke bickering again, I sigh. _Or maybe I'll just stay away from them for the day. Yeah, that sounds nice._

Kakashi waves, "Good morning."

I acknowledge him with a curt nod. I owe him that much for helping me out of my nightmares last night. Still, I feel strange sitting beside him after how close we were last night. I get a strange, tingly feeling in my stomach and I don't like it. It sets me off kilter because I don't understand why I am experiencing these feelings. Just a couple days ago, I'd snarl at the mention of his name. What has changed? Why the sudden pull towards him?

_There goes my synchronicity, tumbling beyond my control. Will I catch it before it hits and does any damage?_

I finish breakfast quickly and thank Tsunami, washing my own bowl and cutlery before heading outside.

The air is crisp and not too cold. It's is surprisingly clear, considering it's been so misty in the Land of Waves the last few days, but the clouds are plump and many.

I decide to go into the forest-heavy area of the land. It's not half as dense as the forests surrounding the Leaf Village but still reminds me of home.

I find a nice tree and scale it, focusing the chakra in my feet. There's a large branch and I perch on it, enjoying the smell of trees and cool breeze in my hair.

I look down at the forest floor below and my eyes catch on a basket filled with various plants and herbs. How did I not notice it before?

Someone must have left it there... _or-_

My latter suspicions are confirmed when a girl comes back into the leafy clearing with some herbs in her hand. She kneels at the basket and plucks the leaves off the plants, letting them fall one-by-one into the basket.

I observe her a little while longer, watching as she leaves and returns with various types of plants.

"You're a skilled shadow," she suddenly voices, standing up and looking directly at me from her place on the ground. I leap down from the tree branch, impressed with her ability to spot me, and approach her and the basket.

"You're pretty skilled yourself, spotting me like you did. Took you a while though," I remark, smirking a little. She smiles sweetly, returning my smirk.

"I spotted you many minutes ago, when you scaled that tree on your feet." I flinch slightly. She saw me before I even saw her. So she knew I was here this whole time and purposely acted as if she didn't know. "So you're a ninja," she mutters.

I nod, flicking the Konoha hitai-ate that I currently have wrapped around my arm with my fingernail.

"Are you from this land?" I ask, dipping my chin back at the village through the trees. But she shakes her head, which surprises me. I turn my head at her with a squint and she shrugs me off.

"I'm visiting with my superior. I'm gathering herbs to make medicine for him. This land has such an abundance!"

With this cheery remark, my suspicions of her fall and I relax a little. "Oh, I see."

She kneels back down to her basket and continues to pick apart the leaves and stems of her plants.

"I'm Ayame, from Konohagakure, by the way."

"Haku," she says simply, as she continues to pick away at the herbs, filling her basket.

"Where are you from, then?" I ask, kneeling down to meet her level. She looks Naruto's age, yet there's a certain look of maturity in her eyes.

"My home is where my master is," she answers with a closed eye smile.

I decide to fall back on my bottom, leaning on my hands behind me and stretching my legs out. The bird tweet in the trees above. It really is a beautiful day.

"And you're okay with that? With belonging to someone else?"

"Of course," she doesn't hesitate and her soft voice speaks volumes. She is completely confident in everything she's saying. "I protect him, he protects me."

I nod, watching her fragile fingers as the skillfully tear apart the plant, piece by piece. She's graceful in everything she does and her soft eyes watch the colorful plants as they fall into the basket peacefully.

Her next words take me by surprise, "Do you have someone to protect, Ayame-San?"

At first, I don't answer. I've never really thought about it before. Most of my life has been in training, getting stronger, or in the ANBU where I was only expected to protect myself and the mission.

"Well," I mutter, fumbling with my fingers as I try to come up with an answer. Why is this so difficult? Doesn't everyone have someone special to them that they want to protect? "I guess I protect the people in my village... my cousin, if it came to that. My friends... I'd protect them if they were in danger."

"But you don't have anyone who protects you while you protect them, no matter what," she says, her voice calm and smooth as it glides through the air.

I take a breath and clench my lips.

"You should find them. When you have someone to protect, that's when you become truly strong."

Her words send a wave of shock throughout my body, so much so that I actually flinch a little. She giggles as she goes back to work on the plant. "Don't worry, you'll find them. Maybe you already found them and you just don't know it yet!" she says cheerily as she gets up with her basket. "Well, maybe we'll meet again. It was nice meeting you!"

"Y-yeah, you too, Haku-Kun." I stutter, getting to my feet as well.

I go to walk away but as I do, she says one last thing, "I'm a boy, by the way."

With wide eyes, I continue to walk, not looking back.

_A boy? What the heck?_

What a strange interaction, I think. I try to forget about it because thinking to much about it makes my brain hurt.

I make it back to the edge of the village and spot a nice hill, overlooking the water. Maybe I'll lay back and watch the clouds roll by for a bit.

I find a comfortable spot on a small hill overlooking the water on one side, and the town on the other. It's quiet up here, away from the sounds of children playing and fishermen talking.

The peace and quiet is music to my ears. I'm not used to this much social interaction, to be honest. Back in the ANBU, it was a long day of missions where we didn't really talk much to each other except about mission related things, and then returning to my studio apartment to spend the evening alone. I took walks a lot, just to get out of the house. I guess I'm more of a people watcher than anything.

Observing without having to think about it. Floating along, much like the clouds in the sky.

Footsteps approach behind me and someone sits at my right.

"What do you see?" he asks. I'm getting quite good at recognizing Kakashi's voice.

"Nothing, I'm just watching. I don't really pay attention to the shapes and stuff," I say as I watch the clouds float by without meaning.

"That's weird," he mutters, "Watching without really watching."

I send him a weird face before returning my eyes to the sky. "It's not that weird. It's sort of like observing without assuming or analyzing. It's quite relaxing actually, you should try it some time."

He grunts and slides into a lying position.

"I see a dog... and that one, over there," he points to a particularly plump cluster of clouds, "it looks like a-"

"Cloud," I finish his sentence nonchalantly.

"No," he grumbles, "it looks like a tree."

"But it's not, it's just a cloud."

He stretches his arms before placing one of them over his eyes, sighing. "You have no imagination."

I huff, pushing myself up into a sitting position, "Says you, the killjoy."

He uncovers his eyes and peers at me with a confused gaze, "The what?"

I laugh a little, throwing my head back to stare into the sky again. "That's what we called you on Team Ro, the killjoy, because you sucked all the good energy from the room."

He sits up now, glaring at me accusingly, "Did not, I just wasn't interested in all the social stuff. It was ANBU, we were meant to distance ourselves from our feelings! ANBU are strict rule and formation followers-"

"God, it's just a joke, Kakashi," I mutter, "Chill out."

He sighs and leans back on his hands, staring into the sky again.

"I wasn't in the best place when I first entered the ANBU," he says quietly, eyes looking far beyondthe sky. I wonder what he's thinking about.

After a moment of silence, I say, "I get it. If it makes you feel better, Tenzo always pounded me when I called you Cold-Kashi."

"You called me what?"

"Never mind," I chuckle, falling back into the grass and letting my eyes shut.

The silence stretches between us and for a few minutes, we just lay. It's relaxing at first, but then it becomes tense and feels a bit prolonged. I think he senses it too.

"Down for a walk on the dock?" he says after a while.

"Only if you promise not to rhyme again."

"I didn't even realize," he laughs, forming a closed eye smile and offering me a hand up. I hesitate for a moment before accepting it.

 _We can be friends,_ I decide. I'm gonna be stuck with him for a while anyways, so we may as well get along. It's better that way, for mission success.

We walk down the dock that lines the harbor, our steps slow and not really headed anywhere soon. The afternoon sun glares down, making beads of sweat roll down my arms and back.

In the distance, we catch sight of Naruto and Sasuke bickering about something. Naruto explodes at Sasuke who keeps his cool and turns his back to him, crossing his arms. _Too cool for school_ is what it reminds me of. Sakura yells at Naruto, defending Sasuke's side, whatever it may be, and Naruto goes into a frenzy.

I sigh audibly and Kakashi _hmphs_ in agreement.

"Quite the _team,_ " I say sarcastically, because there isn't much _teamwork_ happening at all.

Kakashi slides his hands in his pockets and continues to observe our team from afar.

"They remind me of my old team," he says with nostalgia curling through his words.

"Oh yeah?"

"Well, except that Rin was a bit softer tempered than Sakura is," he says with a sweatdrop, scratching the back of his head.

"And you were the cool-tempered Sasuke of the team?" I ask, already knowing the answer. I remember the early days of ANBU when he was a lot more cocky and non-caring—the days before he was even promoted to captain. There were days he would kill all of our opponents with one jutsu, not leaving a single one alive for interrogation. When the older ANBU would scold him, he'd give them a glare _._ One that would shut anyone up.

He turns to me but his single visible eye is off in a different world as he speaks.

"I wasn't always like that. Everything changed after my father died..."

I ask quietly, to be respectful, but am genuinely curious about the answer. "How did he die?"

There's silence between us for a few moments, except for the sound of our sandals hitting the dock. "He sacrificed a mission to save his comrades and was ridiculed, even by those he saved," he mutters, sadness emanating in his voice. "Then he killed himself."

I pause in my steps, looking up at him. _That's terrible... I almost feel bad for making fun of him all these years._

"I'm sorry to hear that," I whisper, "What about your mother?"

"She died in childbirth, my father never talked about her."

"So you don't know who she was?"

"Nope," he answers, and he doesn't seem hurt by it. I guess the fact that he never knew her helps with the emotional aspect of losing her. But, I never knew my mother, and it hurts me more than anything.

I guess the difference is that my mother didn't want me. She made a choice, and she chose abandonment.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be asking you this. It's not my place."

He gives me a closed eye smile, shaking it off, "Don't worry about it. It was a long time ago."

"Is the mourning of your father why Lord Fourth had you join ANBU?"

He tilts his head then shakes it, "No, there were a few things that led up to it. Mainly, after my teammates Obito and Rin died, my sensei assigned me because he thought it might help distract me."

I frown, feeling terrible about how much I used to bad-talk him. Turns out there was so much more to his story and identity than just the cold-hearted Captain I assumed him to be.

"I'm sorry," I find myself muttering.

"Hey, I said don't worry about it," he says again with a gentle smile. "What about your team?"

I furrow my brows, running a hand through my hair and getting it caught in a tangle. I yank and tug until I free my hand. "I never payed much attention to my teammates or sensei... my only goal was focusing on my own strength," I say shamefully. I kick a rock off the dock and it lands in the water with a _plunk,_ making ripples and a small splash. "I guess I was pretty self-centered back then."

Kakashi smirks, "And you aren't now?"

"Hey!" I shout with a subtle laugh, shoving his shoulder with a decent amount of force.

He shoves me back and it actually makes me stumble backwards. I try to catch my balance all while yelping as I put my foot down behind me but realize there's no deck. I step on air and tumble backwards into the cold water. I finally surface, spitting the water from my mouth.

"That was mean!" I shout, splashing his legs with some of the cold lake water.

"You asked for it," he chants with great confidence and a chuckle.

I smirk, narrowing my eyes. "Is that so?" I take a deep breath and dunk my head under the water, forming the hand signs for a shadow clone. It appears and swims underneath the water, climbing onto the dock from the other side. Kakashi has no idea and watches me resurface, completely ignorant to the shadow clone standing behind him.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" he mutters. He turns, noticing my shadow clone, but it's too late. "H-hey!"

The clone pushes him roughly off the dock before disappearing in a cloud of smoke. He hits the water with a big splash and resurfaces, shaking out his mop of silver, wet hair.

"My hair!" he grunts, patting it all over, trying to get it under control.

"Of course you worry about your hair. Pfft," I puff, splashing him again while I tread in the shallow water.

"Hey, it takes a lot of product to make it look this good!" he pouts, putting half of his masked face in the water and blowing bubbles through the fabric. His eyes look into mine with a pouty glimmer.

"Mmm, I'll bet you use lots of _girly, flowery_ scented shampoo, Kaka-baka," I taunt, turning my nose up at him in a joking manner. He frowns and goes under the water. I try to search for him but the water is dark and foggy and he's nowhere to be seen. I whip my head around, searching for bubbles breaking the surface.

The water right in front of me bubbles and he pops up, spitting a stream of lake water from his mouth in my face.

"Ew, ew ew ew, that's so gross!" I sputter, splashing my face with more dirty lake water. I guess it's better than mouth water.

He laughs and I'm suddenly aware of his bare face. The mask is hanging loosely at his neck and he's smiling wide, perfect white teeth sparking and features as symmetrical and sharp as they come. The only thing marking his face is a small freckle or birth mark below his left, bottom lip and the scar that strikes through his left eye stretching just past his nose.

"What a noble reason to remove your mask," I say, "to spit lake water in my face."

Still smiling sweetly, he reaches up and pulls a green string of seaweed from my hair, tossing it into the water behind. His hand lingers for a moment and his eyes trail the strand of brown hair as he runs his fingers through it.

I feel a sudden jolt of discomfort and grab his wrist with my hand. He stares at me with his one open eye and his lips hang open slightly in confusion.

"I can't," I tell him, pushing his hand away. He searches my face for a few seconds, a slight frown finding its way upon his perfect lips.

After a pause, he asks, "Why not?" I can hear the disappointment in his voice and it becomes more evident on his face too.

"I... I made a promise to myself long ago that I wouldn't fall in love again," the words fall guiltily off my tongue and I find myself avoiding his eye. I'm frowning now too. He pulls his mask back up and takes a step back from me, the water rippling around us.

"Fall in love _again?"_ he questions.

I stand up in the shallow water and it comes just to my waist. With my back to him, I conjure up the words that I know will hurt us both, "I'm sorry, Kakashi. I can't."

I'm out of the water and leaving a trail from my soaking wet clothes as I walk swiftly to the house, arms crossed in front of me. I don't look back but I know he stays in the lake, unmoving for a while.

I strip down, tossing my wet clothing in the sink before stepping into the hot shower. It burns my skin compared to the cold lake water, but I still shiver.

Memories of my past have been uprooted. Ones I tried for so long to suppress through endless training and a mind focused completely on missions.

He flashes into my memory in bits and pieces, never really forming a full picture. Just shattered pieces of my past.

_His hair, black as a Raven. Just like his name._

_His voice, a low rumble with cracks of a young boy still coming through when he least expected it._

_Skin, soft and warm; but fingertips always cold._

_His eyes, captivatingly bright and unique. The color of autumn, with gold speckles like a firework._

I will him out of my mind and try to focus on the feeling of hot water on my goosebump-covered skin.

A pitiful feeling forms in my stomach and I make the water hotter, trying to burn the thoughts away through gritted teeth.


	10. X ~ The Apprentice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: You've probably realized by now that the first Zabuza fight has not yet happened. Please forgive me but I'm going to avoid most of the canon details of the Zabuza fight because it won't help push the story forward. I'm sure you've all seen those episodes a hundred times so there's no need for me to re-explain them. Otherwise, enjoy! ~R

We watch over Tazuna as he continues to work hard on the bridge. It's a hot enough day that I find a spot in the shade and lean back against a tree. Sasuke walks over and sits on the grass, picking and pulling at the green strands and tossing them away.

"It's a pretty boring mission, huh?" I say to make small talk. Sasuke grunts in response and I lean back, looking up the trunk of the tree and through the leaves. They rustle lightly in the soft breeze and the sun shines through here and there, creating specks of light. "At least it's a nice day. It could be raining or something."

Sasuke continues to pull at the grass, not looking up from the mundane task.

"Sasuke-Kun! Ayame-Sensei!" Sakura chants, making her way over to us. She waves expressively and joins us under the tree. "Tsunami-San brought lunch!"

I push off the tree and walk with Sakura towards the worksite but Sasuke remains seated, still tugging at the grass. "Aren't you hungry, Sasuke?"

Soon enough, he gets up and follows.

"Itadakimasu!" Naruto exclaims before tearing into his food like a rabid animal.

We all munch on the rice balls and soft homemade bread that Tsunami prepared for us. Tazuna wipes the sweat off his forehead with a towel before joining us. He sits on a pile of lumber and grabs a rice ball.

"We've had no trouble yet," he mutters through a mouth full of rice.

"You're not anticipating trouble, are you?" Kakashi asks, arms crossed. As usual, he's not eating with us. That would mean taking off his precious mask. Not that doing so would be that big of a deal. Turns out he's really got nothing to hide.

"Mm, well," Tazuna grunts. "As I've already told you, Gato and his company are after me."

"But they don't scare us," Sakura mentions. "They'll be no problem for Ayame-Sensei and Kakashi-Sensei!"

"Mhm," Tazuna grunts again, pulling apart some bread from the loaf.

"What are you hiding?" I ask suspiciously. Tazuna crosses his arms, trying to put some distance between himself and my glaring eyes.

Tazuna shakes his head and takes a huge bite out of the bread, once again talking with a mouth full of food, "Nothing, but that's not to say Gato couldn't be hiding something."

I glance at Kakashi who gives me a slight nod. This subtle exchange of glances is all we need to affirm each other's thoughts; just like we did when we saw the puddle on the way here, before those two ninja showed up.

"Say, say, what do you mean old man?" Naruto says, his mouth full of rice. "What sort of thing would this Gato guy hide?"

I sigh and enlighten my intellectually slow genin, "Gato might be hiring ninja to take care of Tazuna and his men, to ensure the bridge can't be built."

Naruto shows a look of understanding before returning his focus to the rice ball he's absolutely demolishing. Did anyone ever teach that kid manners?

"He'd probably hire genin like last time though," Sasuke says cooly, recalling the two ninja that ambushed us on our way here.

I shrug, "Maybe. Or maybe not."

We all sit silently—well, silent except for Naruto's ferocious munching—before Tazuna gets up and heads back to work.

"Say, say, Kaka-Sensei! This mission is really boring. When can we go home?" Naruto mopes.

"When the bridge is finished."

Naruto makes a pouty-face and slumps over. "I want Ichiraku ramennn!"

I sigh after I swallow my last bit of rice.

"I'll make you a deal, Naruto," I say. This gets his full and undivided attention. "If you promise not to complain the rest of the mission, I'll treat you to Ichiraku when we return."

He perks right up and starts bouncing, "Really? Really?? Do you really mean it, Aya-Sensei?"

I nod, rolling my eyes at his enthusiasm for ramen.

"And I can get an extra large bowl and put whatever I want in it??"

"Yes."

"And-and I can have seconds if I'm still hungry?"

"Yes, Naruto."

Suddenly, his puny little arms are swung right around me and I grimace, turning my face away from him.

"Okay, and you have to get off me too," I mutter. He complies and returns to his spot on the grass, glaring up at me with glassy, wide eyes in a moment of bliss.

His moment is cut short, however, when there's a disturbance over on the bridge. Kakashi is quicker to react than me and is already sprinting. I follow shortly behind while the three genin run over, keeping their distance from the strange figure who has appeared before us.

"Who the hell is that?" I mutter, staring at his tall, broad form and massive sword, twice the size of Naruto.

Kakashi holds a fighting stance, watching the figure closely as he gives us a disturbing smile through the bandages covering half his face.

"Momochi Zabuza," he says through the bandages. His voice is a low and steady grumble. He turns to Tazuna and pulls his sword out in front of him as if it weighed nothing. "Here to assassinate Mr. Tazuna, the master bridge builder."

I tense, moving my hand slowly to my pouch and feeling the familiar coolness of the metal knuckle blades on my hot fingertips. My body is already in flight mode, ready to pounce at any given moment.

"Are you one of Gato's hires?" I ask, my voice a half-snarl. Zabuza turns his bandaged head and tilts it at me, eyeing me up as if I'm prey.

Kakashi mutters something to me without taking his eyes off Zabuza, "He's one of the seven swordsmen of the Mist, I've seen him in some of the bingo books. Don't underestimate him."

"Of course not," I growl back, glaring at Zabuza with boiling blood, "I'm looking forward to a real fight though."

"Senseis! What should we do??" Sakura exclaims, fear humming in her voice.

"Guard the bridge builder," Kakashi says as he draws a kunai, "This is a fight for us Jonin."

Sakura immediately makes her way to Tazuna, standing at his guard. Her legs still jitter but her face shows an unexpected confidence.

"I see, you think having a little girl guard him is sufficient enough," Zabuza plays with his words, twisting them horribly on his tongue.

"Hey! Don't you dare call Sakura-chan a little girl!" Naruto is rushing towards Zabuza full force, two shadow clones already in tow, but I light up my chakra blades and slash his clones in an instant, grabbing hold of the yellow-haired genin by the back of his collar. He grunts, trying to get loose of my grasp.

"You heard Kakashi-Sensei," I whisper. "You need to leave this one to us. Zabuza is not one to be messed with."

Naruto pouts but an eyebrow raise from me is all it takes to make him comply and join Sakura and Sasuke in guarding Tazuna. _Note to self: Ramen is a great thing to hold over Naruto's head. He'll do anything for it!_

I return to Kakashi's side and we guard each other's backs like we used to do in ANBU with our buddies. Tenzo was my buddy, most of the time. Unless he was on a different mission, in which case it was Yugao. That's how I became close with those two.

Getting someone's back and knowing they have yours is a great way to learn to trust someone. Way better than a trust-fall, that's for sure.

"S-sensei, this guy seems pretty scary!" Sakura mutters, legs like spaghetti. I light the chakra in my blades so the blue encompasses them in a buzzing glow.

"Don't worry, Sakura," Kakashi states, pulling his headband up and revealing his sharingan. It looks even more intimidating close up. I've mostly seen it through his cat-mask and from afar. "I won't ever let my comrades get hurt."

He turns to the genin behind us with a closed eye smile. When he opens his eyes, Sasuke's onyx eyes nearly pop out of his head.

"Sharingan... but you're not an Uchiha," he ponders darkly, more to himself than anyone.

"Kaka-Sensei! How is it that you have that eye? That's impossible!" Naruto gasps, staring in complete and total awe at his sensei. I'm actually surprised that Naruto managed to put that together. His observation skills are usually... moderate, at best.

"So you're him, huh?" We turn our attention back to Zabuza who's looking at Kakashi with a wide smile and mischievously glowing eyes. "What a surprise and an honor, that I get to battle Kakashi Hatake of the sharingan." He pulls his sword out of the ground, narrowing his eyebrows.

"You say that like it's child play," I sneer, pulling my chakra blades up in front of my chest in a fighting stance. "But you haven't seen the copy-cat ninja in action before. Nor have you stopped to question my abilities. This won't be easy for you. Don't underestimate us, you fool."

"Hmph," he grunts, smirking deviously. "I'd really love to fight you both but I simply can't pass up my opportunity to bash with the one and only copy-cat ninja. You'll only be a disturbance, girl. Unfortunately for you, my apprentice will be dealing with you."

I flinch only slightly when I see the senbon needles come flying through the air, glistening and reflecting in the sunlight. I'm quick to deflect them with my blades. They fall to the ground with a tiny clang, scattering on the cement below me.

"Damn it," I mutter, looking between the forest from where the needles came and Zabuza.

"It's okay," Kakashi mutters, eyes still locked on Zabuza. "I'll take Zabuza. You take out the apprentice and then come back me up."

I look between Kakashi, Zabuza, and the forest one last time before giving him a firm nod and sprinting off into the treeline.

I have to make this fast. Zabuza will not be an easy opponent, even for Kakashi. I need to finish this opponent off quick so I can go back him up.

But it's easier said than done. My opponent turns out to be a skilled shinobi with long, dark hair and a Hidden Mist ANBU mask. They almost catch me off guard again with those minuscule needles. If one hits a vital point, I'm done for. I've seen the damage those tiny things can inflict.

So I have to see and deflect every tiny needle while also planning and executing my offensive attacks.

A rush fills me from head to toe and a tiny smile pushes on the corners of my lips.

_Bring it on._

The first thing I do is create a shadow clone and scale a tree with my real self. I watch as my shadow clone approaches the Mist ANBU and pulls the chakra blades in front of her.

"So you're the apprentice," My clone says, eyeing the long-haired shinobi. The apprentice doesn't move, arms limp at their sides. They wear a blue kimono-type robe and the mask covers their entire face. The only thing signifying any part of their identity is the Hidden Mist symbol carved into the forehead of their ANBU mask.

More senbon needles appear out of nowhere and I jump out of their path, only to be met with more. They appear to be coming from all directions.

How are they doing this? Are there clones hiding in the forest?

I keep trying to evade the needles as they continuously fly at me from all sides, but some manage to scrape my skin. One actually lodges into my shoulder and I grunt, quick to remove it before it burrows further into my body.

That's what they do, if they're not removed quickly. They're almost like porcupine quills in that they pierce the skin and continue to push further and further. If one manages to burrow and hit a vital organ, I'd be done for. I use a kunai to deflect some while bending my body in strange ways to avoid the others but its no use. They continue to scrape my skin and occasionally pierce.

"How long are you gonna go on like this, huh?" I grunt, removing another one from my thigh. Those tiny suckers hurt like a bitch.

Suddenly, a dense cloud comes towards me from behind. It whirs through the air with impressive speed and I realize that it's a cloud of senbon needles. I can't deflect all of these at once.

I go to jump out of the way but hit something hard, falling to the ground. I can feel my heart thumping heavily in my chest but my mind remains unwavering. Before the cloud of needles can hit me, I form some hand signs.

"Wind style: wind wall!" I exclaim as a wall of wind appears in front of me, successfully deflecting the senbon needles.

Thank god they were only senbon needles. If they were kunai or shuriken in that number, my wind might not have been able to deflect them all.

I get quickly to my feet, head whipping around to check all my blind spots. The forest is quiet... _too quiet._ I take a few steps around, checking behind trees and making sure to look into the tree branches above.

A branch snaps behind me and I turn swiftly to see the figure standing behind me.

"I didn't know there was a technique that could deflect my flying water needles," they say, voice echoing from all around even though they're only standing in one place.

Again, my head is whipping around to look for the source. _There. In the tree._

And at the base of another tree. And another.

They are everywhere at once.

_Clones._

"I'll find the real one," I mutter, lunging at them one after another, but as soon as I get close to hitting one, it disappears quicker than it came. "Pfft."

"You won't be able to catch me," the voice echoes again.

I spot one on a tree branch and send one of my shadow clones to it, hiding my real body behind a tree where I have a good view of the clearing.

The shadow clone gets near to the masked figure and it disappears.

 _There!_ It moved, so fast it became only a blur, and reappeared on another branch. It continues to do this in motions too fast for my eyes to follow, making it appear as if there are ten of them at once when in reality, there is only one.

But how do I defeat them if I can't catch them, and don't know which one is real?

This would be a lot easier in a team. Team Ro would have assigned one person to each apparent figure and attack all at once. But Team Ro isn't here. It's just me, and I have to deal with this opponent fast and return to help Kakashi with Zabuza.

_I wonder if they're all okay._

The shadow clone in the clearing disappears when the figure _wooshes_ through them while travelling quickly between tree branches.

I form another shadow clone, sending it back to the bridge to check on everything there, while emerging for real from behind the tree.

The only thing I can think of that might work is if I use _that_ jutsu and use the opening it will create to attack the figure with my chakra blades. But _that_ jutsu uses more than half of my chakra.

It's my only choice. I have to do it, and I'll only get one chance at it.

_Don't mess this up, Ayame._

With a deep breath, I form quick hand signs before concentrating chakra in my palms. I release it in all directions, "Wind style: spherical hurricane!" and add the wind nature. The blue-tinted wind explodes in all directions, blowing the leaves and branches with the intensity of a hurricane contained within the expanding sphere. The strong winds threaten to blow me over. I grunt as I push chakra to my feet, holding my place firmly on the ground and trying to stay upright.

I force my eyes open and it's hard to see what's going on through the gusting wind and hair that's flying in front of my face but notice a bluish color fall off a branch and hit the ground, face first.

_Yes!_

As the wind lets up, I sprint towards the body, preparing my chakra blades and infusing them with buzzing chakra.

I'm about to strike. I can feel the rush in my blood and bones as I get closer to victory.

The mask cracks down the centre, a delayed reaction from the forceful wind as I'm rushing for their neck and it slides off their face on both sides.

And I stop. 

My blade is inches from their neck and I stop. My hands are trembling and the chakra fades from the metal knuckle blades.

_Shit!_

"You-you're-" I stumble over my words.

_Just do it, damn it! What is wrong with you? Strike already!_

But I can't. His soft, brown eyes look calmly into mine.

"Haku."


	11. XI ~ Don't Look Away

"I am sorry we had to meet again this way," he says.

I have no words. He lays motionless under my knee which pins him firmly to the ground.

I feel my jaw open slightly as I search his calm, feminine face.

"So your master is Zabuza," I mutter, voice cracking. "Why? Why would you work for someone evil like him?"

Haku doesn't reply for a moment. His eyes trail off mine and look into the dense forest roof above.

"He makes me strong. I protect him with my life."

"I don't want to kill you," I whisper, eyes growing soft. "But I have no choice if you're working for the enemy."

I receive sudden information through the shadow clone I sent out earlier which has extinguished itself. Naruto is nowhere to be seen. Sakura is crying in front of Tazuna because Sasuke is trapped in a strange, crystal-walled jutsu with Haku as Kakashi battles with Zabuza.

A noise escapes my lips and I stare wide-eyed at the boy lying below me. Then I realize; if Haku is on the bridge, then-

The Haku below me fades out of existence, leaving me alone in the clearing. Before I have time to curse myself for not realizing they were _all_ illusions all along, I'm up and sprinting back towards the bridge.

"Sasuke!" I scream, realizing the situation he's in. There's no way he can take Haku down on his own. Haku is ANBU level, like me. I should be the one to take him on. Sasuke is a genin, there's no way he can win this battle.

"Wait, Ayame!" Kakashi exclaims as he battles for dominance against Zabuza.

I rush for the crystal prison but feel my movements halt suddenly. But I'm too late. How could I have been so stupid as to run right in without analyzing the situation? Everything I've been taught through ANBU, to carefully observe and never rush in, all faded away when my pupil was in danger. _Damn emotions._

Water rises around me and leaves me trapped. Zabuza's water clone holds onto the water prison he's got me in as the real Zabuza continues to strike at Kakashi.

"Shit!" My voice is muffled by the surrounding water. I bang on the wall but it doesn't budge. "Shit!" I scream again.

Kakashi spares a glance in my direction but it costs him. Zabuza uses it as an opportunity to strike and manages to make a gash on his arm. He recoils, grabbing his arm and I lunge forward, hands planted against the wall of my water prison, screaming.

"Kakashi!"

My head whips the other direction and I spot Sasuke in the crystal prison battling Haku. My eyes nearly pop out of my head when I see Naruto on the ground, unable to move. Is he hurt, or is he just paralyzed from fear?

I feel helpless. My students are both struggling against an enemy far too strong for them and Kakashi is battling Zabuza alone. All I can do is watch. I feel my heart beat heavier than ever before and I worry it might explode inside my chest. My blood boils and I scrunch my face in anger. I try to form chakra but it seems like the water prison prevents me from doing so.

I watch everything as it goes down, all while continuing to feel weaker and weaker from the water prison. At one point, I drop to my knees with a weak grunt. My breaths are shallow and hoarse. It feels like my energy is being sucked away. I've never experienced anything like this, even when caught in various enemy traps on ANBU missions.

_Weaker. Weaker. Helpless. Worthless._

This Zabuza of the Mist is a force to be reckoned with.

From the corner of my eyes, I see orange chakra. It's unlike anything I've ever seen before. Naruto stands on the ground inside the crystal prison on all fours like an animal. His eyes are red and filled with rage while the dark orange chakra swirls around him. His teeth are sharp and he doesn't look anything like the same twerp I know.

I'm shocked to see Sasuke on the ground, covered in senbon needles.

"Shit!"

Everything around becomes blurrier as time goes on. I don't know how long I've been in here. I bang on the prison but it holds firm. There's no way out. I squint through the thickening mist, trying to see what's going on with Kakashi and Zabuza. I spot Kakashi rushing towards me but Zabuza appears in front and slashes him with his massive blade. I can hear Sakura scream. It sounds straight out of a horror movie, "KAKASHI-SENSEI!"

"Kakashi!" I exclaim, again hitting the side of the prison but not expecting anything. I'm trapped and the only way out is if someone extinguishes the water clone holding me in here. Kakashi knew that, and was headed for the clone, but Zabuza got him before he could. Kakashi falls backward, a stream of blood flying through the air.

"Oh my god!" I scream. I feel something wet falling down my face. _Am I crying?_ I decide to blame it on the water from this prison.

Again, there's that feeling of helplessness. _And... something else. Something unlike anything I've felt for a comrade before._ Even in ANBU, when I saw my comrades fall, I never felt this strongly. My heart falls into my stomach. I feel like I might vomit as I glare at Kakashi's lifeless body on the ground.

"Don't you dare fucking die!" I yell, hitting a fist uselessly against the prison. My stomach continues to churn and the lump grows larger in my throat. But a rush of relief rushes over me, almost quicker than the fear came, when Kakashi's body transforms into a log.

I feel like I might cry for real, but not in the typical way. These tears are of pure relief. Happiness, maybe. _But how could I possibly be happy in this situation?_

I look again and see Naruto with his glowing red eyes and razor sharp teeth. Sasuke is hurt and lying helpless on the ground. Sakura is still standing with Tazuna but the look on her face is completely traumatized. In a way, Sakura and I are in the same situation. She can't leave the bridge-builder alone and I can't get out of this prison.

Suddenly there's a noise. It's one I recognize. It's the noise I always heard before assassinations with Team Ro. The sound of a thousand birds. It's ear piercing but fills me with comfort at the same time.

 _It's over, Zabuza,_ I think as I watch Kakashi appear from the thick mist and rush straight towards Zabuza.

Then there's the impact. But Zabuza still stands.

Haku has jumped in front of Kakashi's chidori. The lightning flickers out and Kakashi stands, just as shocked as me, with his hand in Haku's chest.

 _'I will protect him with my life,'_ he'd said to me earlier. He meant it literally.

Zabuza just laughs, making some remark about what a great tool Haku was. Kakashi pulls his arm out of Haku and his body hits the floor, lifeless.

_Damn you, Zabuza!_

Naruto approaches, eyes back to their regular blue. He stabs the water clone holding me hostage and the prison extinguishes.

"Are you okay, Aya-Sensei??" he says quietly, a change from his regular hyper demeanor. I nod and push to my feet with the little energy I have left. Naruto stares at the lifeless boy with oceans for eyes. They seem far and vast, and water threatens to spill from them.

"He sacrificed himself," I mutter, approaching Zabuza who's being held by Kakashi's ninja mutts. "He gave his life up, so that _scum_ like you could live, and you don't even shed a tear!" And now I'm angry, my half-scream scratching in the back of my throat as I glare down at the monstrous person that is Zabuza Momochi. 

"Naruto!" Sakura screams, "Where is Sasuke?"

I look back to Naruto as his blue eyes grow even sadder and he tries to suppress his emotion through gritted teeth.

"I see," Kakashi mutters as he leans over Haku's dead body with sad eyes of his own.

"Don't tell me-" I start but I'm cut off.

"Kakashi!" Zabuza exclaims. "You can't afford to take your eyes off me!" Zabuza has managed to get free of the ninja hounds and rushes towards Kakashi but Kakashi pushes off the ground with his hands, kicking him hard in the chest. They both fly back, facing each other in fighting stances once again. 

Zabuza falls on tired legs unable to keep him up any longer. I can see the exhaustion in Zabuza's eyes as he kneels on the ground across from Kakashi. They've been battling for a long time now.

I try to move forward but stumble, feeling the exhaustion rush over my own body. I'd used over half my chakra in the fight against Haku's illusion in the forest and the rest was slowly sucked away by the water prison.

"Why... can't I keep up with you...?" Zabuza huffs through strained breaths. Haku's blood drips down his face.

Kakashi lunges, swinging again and hitting Zabuza hard in the face. Zabuza tries to make a swing with his sword but his movement is weak and Kakashi counters it with his fist, sending Zabuza flying backwards with a grunt.

"Damn you!" Zabuza exclaims, swinging time and time again but failing. His sword lodges in the ground and Kakashi appears behind him.

He grabs hold of his neck. The frustration is evident in his eyes. "You can't defeat me the way you are now," he says lowly. "You don't know what true strength is. Die, Demon of the Mist."

Kakashi swings for his arm with a kunai while Zabuza flings his sword behind, trying to slice Kakashi in two, but Kakashi manages to jab Zabuza's arm with the kunai before he can and the sword goes flying out of Zabuza's grasp, hitting the cemented ground with a clang.

"You can't weave signs anymore," Kakashi mutters.

Zabuza growls but before he can respond, a voice rings out in the distance.

"Oh, oh. You really got it this time, Zabuza." I turn and see a short, strange looking man with a cane and round, shaded glasses. "You disappointed me, Zabuza."

It must be Gato, the man who hired Zabuza. His voice is a squeaky type of snarl, suiting for his short, strange composure. 

Behind Gato is a large group of equally strange looking men, all smirking at Zabuza with menacing looks. Something changes in Zabuza's face as he looks from Haku's lifeless body to the group of strange men.

Naruto is still trying to suppress his weeps over the dead boy. _That's right, Haku wasn't much older than Naruto. This must be the first time Naruto has witnessed a death._

And then Zabuza speaks, but his voice is soft. "Kakashi... forgive me... our fight ends here."

I feel a pang of sadness for Zabuza, seeing the realization come to his eyes as he looks at his fallen apprentice.

_Haku truly didn't deserve the ending he received._ _Or, rather, Zabuza didn't deserve Haku. And I think Zabuza knows that._

"Oh, oh. That reminds me," the strange looking cane man Gato says as he walks up to Haku's body and kicks his lifeless face. His eyes still remain wide open, void of life, but an expression of both shock from Kakashi's chidori and calm, suiting of his bitter-sweet end. "I owe this kid something for breaking my arm."

We all watch on as Gato kicks Haku's body. I hear Naruto try and stifle his tears and failing.

"Kid," Zabuza whispers as he bites the bandages off his face and lets them fall to the ground. Naruto stiffens and looks up at Zabuza with tears on his face. "Pass me that Kunai."

The next thing we know, Zabuza catches the kunai in his mouth and attacks the group of men, taking them down one after another. Gato almost gets away but Zabuza pushes through the crowd and stabs him, making him cough up blood.

A single tear falls down my face as I witness the scene. Gato's men stab Zabuza in the back with various spears and swords, but Zabuza looks at peace with himself. He falls to his knees, tears streaming down his face. He has accomplished what he needed to accomplish.

Naruto closes his eyes and looks away, struggling to watch.

"Don't look away, Naruto," Kakashi mutters.

"Mhm," Naruto forces through tears as he watches the sad event unravel in front of us. I move to Naruto's side and place my arm around his shoulder, giving him a squeeze.

"He's come to terms..." I whisper. "Just watch, Naruto. You don't need to do anything else."

Kakashi glances at me and I nod with sad eyes as I hold my yellow-haired pupil in a side-hug. With this, Kakashi gets up and walks towards Zabuza. Gato's men all part, fearing Kakashi as he walks through the crowd without resistance. He reaches Zabuza who mutters something to Kakashi. Kakashi nods, lifting him easily and carrying him over to Haku.

After being placed down beside his fallen apprentice, Zabuza turns to face Haku with eyes full of remorse. I feel Naruto's tiny body shiver and hold the genin tighter.

It starts to snow. Zabuza's shaking hand caresses Haku's pale face, "I wish I could go where you have gone... But I know that cannot be."

I see Kakashi close his eyes for a moment, pushing his headband back down. We all take a moment of silence, watching the snow fall softly onto Zabuza and Haku's lifeless body, and Naruto starts shaking more, so I hug him tighter with both arms.

 _This must be the first time this kid's ever seen someone die._ Until now, shinobi dying was only a concept from the textbooks to him.

Kakashi leans down and closes Zabuza's eyes while at the same time, Sasuke and Sakura appear behind us. Sasuke is leaning on Sakura and looks very weak, but he's alive nonetheless.

"Sasuke," I mutter, letting go of Naruto. I kneel down, wrapping Sasuke in a hug. I thought I'd lost him. "Thank god... don't scare me like that again." Sasuke is tense at first but eventually finds comfort in my arms.

A soft voice comes from behind us and I break the hug, turning slowly with tear-filled eyes, "We'd better get going..."

When I see him, I feel that sick feeling from earlier.

"And you," I force through gritted teeth. The tears welling in my eyes as I lunge forward, wrapping my arms around him.

I don't know _why_ I do it. My body just goes. But instead of my mind telling me not to, all I can think is how I watched him from inside that prison and couldn't do _anything._

"If you'd died-" I can't suppress the tears anymore, so I stop trying.

"But I didn't," he mutters, arms still at his sides. He seems unsure of how to act. I don't blame him—I haven't exactly been sending the most straightforward signals lately. Just yesterday, I told him 'no' in the water.

The words flow out of me in a jumbled, confused mess.

"I watched you two fight and- and if he'd managed t-to get an advantage over you, and he slashed you, a-and I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything, I-I-"

I stop my rambling when I feel his strong arms wrap around me. A certain warmth fills my body and the bloody images rushing through my head fade away. My head fits perfectly under his chin.

I can hear his heart beating steadily in his chest and my own breathing syncs with it.

"Damn you," I say weakly. "I could never forgive myself if you died..."

He doesn't say anything. He just holds me, and I'm okay with it.

_For once, I don't feel scatter-brained and resistant when he shows affection for me. For once, I welcome it. Because, for a moment, I experienced what it might feel like to lose him and I never want to feel it ever again._

* * *

We share a bed again in Tsunami and Tazuna's home. This time, and for the few remaining days we will spend in the Land of Waves while Tazuna finishes the bridge, I won't feel strange having him beside me. Instead, it's a comfort.

I roll over and stare at his masked face. Why does he wear the mask when he sleeps? It's not like he has anything to hide. I guess there are still many things I do not know about this silver-haired man.

Apparently there are many things I don't know about myself, either. I never thought I would react the way I did to being trapped inside the prison. Kakashi is a Jonin, former ANBU captain, and his sensei was the Yellow Flash of the Leaf and the Fourth Hokage. He handled Zabuza just fine, yet fear still filled me at the sight of him fighting such a powerful opponent.

I guess my mind was thinking about all the _what ifs._

 _What if_ Zabuza managed to strike him? _What if_ Kakashi died while I was in the prison and I could do nothing but watch? _What if..._

I thought he was sleeping but he opens his one, grey eye and meets mine. A swelling feeling forms in my stomach as he looks at me.

"So what happened today?" he asks. His face is surprisingly close to mine, resting on his own pillow.

"What do you mean?" I answer. My eyes don't leave his.

"What are we?"

I think about Haku again, and what he asked me in the forest when we first met.

_"Where are you from?" I asked, kneeling down to meet his level._

_"My home is where my master is," he answered with a closed eye smile._

_"And you're okay with that? With belonging to someone else?"_

_"Of course," he replied. "I protect him, he protects me. Do you have someone to protect, Ayame-San?"_

_I took a breath and clenched my lips._

_"You should find them. When you have someone to protect, that's when you become truly strong."_

And I think I might've finally found that person, Haku. The person who I can protect. The person who will protect me. And so I answer Kakashi's question without a doubt in my mind.

"A chance."

He sits up suddenly and it takes me by surprise so I sit up too. I can see the smile through his mask and the light in his eye. He looks like a child on Christmas morning. "Really?"

All I can do is laugh. It's genuine, too. My mind is happy and my body is expressing it.

"Yeah," I say thoughtfully. I think back to what Hiruzen told me—the reason he assigned me as Jonin leader.

Bonding.

 _Have I made you proud, Uncle Hiruzen?_ I think I've bonded pretty well with my team, if I do say so myself.

I'm taken off guard when soft, warm lips plant against mine. It's just like last time. Only this time, I am completely sober and completely okay with it.

I frown when he pulls away suddenly and looks at me with concern, "What about your promise?"

"My promise?"

"The one you made to yourself, to never fall in love again."

Now I mirror his expression, sad and also confused. And I realize that he is being genuine. He cares about my promise, even though it conflicts with his desires.

I answer his question without words. I kiss _him_ this time, feeling fireworks explode inside me. Our lips move against each other's in a perfectly choreographed dance. We pull back and his forehead rests against mine. His hand finds my face and he holds one side of it.

"You have no idea how long I've waited for you," he whispers, eye locked on mine so I can't look away. His childish smile returns and I grab his face with both hands while our lips dance slow and sweet. I never want it to end.

And in this fragile moment, there's one thing I know for sure—this is what I want; body and mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello wonderful readers! I wanted to let you in on these numbers because I am amazed and eternally grateful for them! Skip it if you're not interested. Otherwise, enjoy this number porn. At the time of analyzing (2020/06/25):
> 
> ~70 following/alerted readers (those who receive notifications for new chapter postings) across all sites! (Cross posted to AO3, FFN, Wattpad, and Quotev). 
> 
> Total view/reads count across all sites is just shy of 2,500.
> 
> # of kudos/favorites is 82! 
> 
> Excluding my own replies, there are 60 comments/reviews.
> 
> MY GUSHY RANTING: So many of you guys are engaging with and actively commenting on or reviewing just about every chapter and I am so, so, so appreciative of it. There is also tremendous support in the form of favorites/kudos. You guys are seriously the most supportive readers ever and it fills me with so much warmth. THANK YOU for your support! I've had the pleasure with chatting with some of you privately and it is so nice to get to know you individually. Knowing who is reading makes the writing experience even more exciting.
> 
> Overall, I an STUNNED at how much support and encouragement this story has already received after just one month. Thank you for reading and expressing your enjoyment. It motivates me to continue writing and posting chapters every few days for y'all!
> 
> Here are some more numbers/facts (as of 2020/06/25) for all you geeks out there:
> 
> ~33,500 words written thus far (and Ayame finally agreed to open up to Kakashi. Kudos to you if you made it this far HAHA!)
> 
> \- 14 individual commenters, most are recurring supporters. You know who you are <3
> 
> \- FFN is the most popular site for view-count, sliding in with just under 1,500 of the 2,500 total views! 
> 
> \- Of the 2,500 total views, I can separate the number of individual readers (who have visited the story across all sites at least once) which totals to ~1000! WOW!
> 
> \- AO3 has been most popular for kudos/favorites, coming in at 26 people who've left kudos. Woot-woot, go AO3 readers! 
> 
> \- Fun little celebration note: Someone has even requested if they can translate my fic to Russian, which is super crazy to me!!
> 
> \- If you've actually read all these stats/facts, you are CRAZY and what are you doing with your life? 
> 
> \- Okay, bye. See you in the next one!


	12. XII ~ The Intruder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I start, I'd just like to say THANK YOU to everyone who is following and reading this story! You all have been so supportive and it really means a lot. Please do not hesitate to leave predictions/ideas! I have a rough layout of how this story will look going forward, but I would love to hear and incorporate your ideas!
> 
> Ja-ne!
> 
> ~R

**~ NARUTO ~**

Ah! He's so annoying, standing there and thinking he's so cool. He's always been like that.

But yesterday, something was different. There was a look I've never seen in his eyes. He protected me from Haku's senbon needles, taking them upon himself.

I mean, then he called me an _usuratonkachi_ again so I guess he's still the same Sasuke.

I'll convince him to accept me. I'll never give up, because that's my ninja way!

"Naruto! Stop daydreaming and take watch, it's your turn!" Sakura-chan exclaims, whacking me hard on the head. I slouch and rub the bump forming on my head with puppy eyes.

"Ow, Sakura-chan..."

She keeps her head up and walks past me to join the senseis under the tree at the edge of the bridge. She looks so cute when she walks with her nose in the air like that.

 _Him,_ on the other hand...

I grumble as Sasuke leaves the shaded tree and joins me on the bridge. It's so ridiculous that Sasuke and I have to share a shift. I can't even complain about it to Aya-Sensei or Kaka-Sensei because Aya-Sensei promised to buy me Ichiraku when we get back if I behave... this _sucks!_

I sit on the railing of the bridge, watching in boredom as workers place bricks and wood, piece by piece.

At least they're almost done, and we can finally go home soon.

I peer back over to the tree, hoping to catch sight of Sakura-chan, but notice she's migrated to another tree. Why would-

"Kakashi! Like hell I'm gonna let you tickle me," Aya-Sensei yells as she rolls over on the grass, protecting her armpits. She laughs as they both lay back on the grass, _surprisingly close_ to each other.

I thought Aya-Sensei was cooler than that. She was always avoiding Kaka-Sensei as much as she could. What's changed?

Also, _ew._

"Kakashi, stop! Not when the genin are watching..." she mutters the last part quietly.

Kakashi mutters something in her ear and her face goes beet red.

 _I think I'm gonna hurl._ This is worse than when Sakura-chan swoons over Sasuke!

Sasuke grunts and turns his head away too. Finally, something Sasuke and I can agree on.

**~ AYAME ~**

I lay in the grass under the shade of a tree as Naruto and Sasuke take the next watch. Sakura approaches to join Kakashi and I but stares at us for a second and thinks better of it. I giggle and Kakashi leans against the tree trunk with his eye closed.

There's nothing better than a little prank. I used to play them all the time on Asuma when we were kids but had to stop when I joined ANBU, when better behavior was expected of me on missions.

But I'm not in ANBU anymore...

Without him realizing, I unclip his sandal and pull it off, tossing it into the distance.

His single eye opens instantly and watches the sandal as it flies into the forest behind us.

"Is that how it's gonna be?" he mutters, the same bored tone in his voice.

"Go fetch," I joke, scrunching my nose at him and sticking my tongue out.

He stares at me in a bored manner for a moment before pouncing. I don't have time to react. He really is quick. He's half on top of me, tickling me as I contort my body to try and protect the ticklish spots.

"Kakashi, stop!" I exclaim through laughter. He goes for the armpits and I roll over quickly, holding my hands over them.

Kakashi lets out a chuckle and rolls back over, lying on his back and looking up into the leaves as they blow softly in the wind. I do the same before muttering, "Not when the genin are watching..." I peer over at Sakura staring at us from another tree and Naruto and Sasuke watching from the bridge.

He turns so his mouth is inches from my ear and whispers something that makes my entire face flood with heat and color.

"Just imagine what I'll do to you when we're alone..."

My eyes go wide and I whip my head towards him, jaw dropping.

"Kakashi!" I squeal. He chuckles again, pulling his orange book out. "Your mind is _tainted_ from that book, I tell you. TAINTED."

I roll my eyes and sit up against the tree trunk, watching the birds fly about in the trees.

Then it hits me.

He really meant that. It wasn't a joke.

"Uh, Kakashi..." I mutter.

"Hm," he grunts, eyes still locked on his book.

"I-... I think we should talk about-" he looks up at me from his book, eyebrow furrowing. "I think we should discuss that before..."

"Huh? Discuss what?"

_God. He's totally ignorant._

"Uh," I laugh awkwardly, scratching the back of my head with a closed eye smile. "Well, we shouldn't rush into things," is all I can come up with. His eye softens and he pushes himself up, leaning against the tree.

"Of course," he mutters. "It was more of a joke than anything..."

"Right," I say, feeling embarrassed for assuming he was being serious. _I want this conversation to be over. Right. Now._

"Okay," he says with a tone of understanding.

"Okay."

He looks back to his book and continues to read peacefully. I let out a deep breath and close my eyes, enjoying the fresh air as it fills my lungs.

_I want this, I do. But I don't want to rush things. Not like last time..._

I will the thought away and try to focus on the birds as they sing their songs and fly from tree to tree.

A large bird suddenly swoops down on us. It lands beside me and Kakashi grabs the rolled up piece of paper from its claws before it takes off again, large wings causing the grass around us to blow under the force.

With furrowed eyebrows, he reads the message.

"Lord Third requests you to return to the Leaf Village ," he mutters, handing me the parchment. I raise an eyebrow as I read the simple message:

_'Ayame is to return to the Hidden Leaf Village as soon as possible and report immediately to Lord Third.'_

"Why?" I say aloud, though obviously he doesn't know the answer. Kakashi shrugs as I get to my feet and look at the bridge builder who works away in the hot sun.

"We'll remain here and finish the mission, then."

I nod, shoving the paper into my pouch and wiping the grass off my legs.

Why the hell would Hiruzen summon me while I'm away on a mission? What could be so urgent?

I notice Naruto approaching us.

"Aya-Sensei has to go??" Naruto whines. I'm glad to hear Naruto thinks so highly of me.

"Hey, Naruto, our deal is still on. Behave yourself for the rest of this mission and I'll treat you to Ramen. Kakashi will tell me if you don't behave, so don't try anything stupid," I remark as I ruffle his yellow hair.

"Yashaaaa!" he exclaims, giving a thumbs up and a toothy, closed eye smile. "I'll behave myself, you'd better believe it!"

I smirk as I wave at each the genin—Naruto who smiles big at me, Sasuke at the bridge who barely looks my way, and Sakura who makes her way towards us from the other tree. Before I leave, I whisper to Kakashi, "Don't let any of the brats get hurt. Believe it or not, I've actually started to like them."

He chuckles, pushing himself to his feet. He says, only loud enough for me to hear, "And what about me?"

Which earns him a slap on the shoulder, "Baka, I already told you! Not here. _Keep it professional in front of the genin, Kakashi,"_ I whisper.

He huffs and returns his gaze to the genin. I think he smirks. I groan internally. _Who knows how long I'll have to put up with his smart remarks? Damn it, the kids are gonna catch on eventually._

I walk back to the house and grab my few belongings, stuffing them into my bag and adamantly thanking Tsunami for her hospitality one last time before I set out.

"My pleasure!! Please, come visit any time! We really appreciate all that you ninja have done for my father and his workers!" She pipes up as if suddenly realizing something. Quickly, she shuffles into the kitchen and grabs something. "Here! Take these for the journey! They were extra rice-balls left over from lunch!" She places a cloth-wrapped box into my hands and smiles warmly before I head out and start on the journey home.

It won't take as long to sprint back to the Leaf as it did to travel to here. One reason is because we traveled here with Tazuna who can't run at ninja speed like I can. Also, the genin are not quite as fast as Kakashi and I, nor can they concentrate chakra in their feet to run across the water yet.

These simple things cut the journey down significantly and I make it back to the Leaf in just a few hours. By the time I make it back, I realize how fast I'd been running for so long and pant heavily at the front gates.

 _I probably should have paced myself,_ I think as I walk towards the Hokage Tower.

It feels good to be back in the Leaf again, but a strange feeling in my gut keeps me from fully enjoying it. I keep my eyes trained ahead, mind wandering as I walk through the village.

What could Hiruzen possibly need to summon me from the Land of Waves for?

I don't knock when I reach his office. I flinch a bit when I swing the door open to see three ANBU in addition to the ones typically on guard at the doors. They all watch me as I enter.

"Why the hell did you summon me all the way from the Land of Waves, in the middle of a mission? This had better be good," I mutter, forgetting about respect and dignity as I stare at my uncle, heart still beating hard inside my chest from the tiring journey back here.

He nods and grunts, like he always does, and places his hands on the desk in front of him.

"Yes, it will be _good..._ " he says, imitating my words strangely. "Your presence is required in Interrogation."

I jut my head out, squinting. "Interrogation?" _What the hell does Interrogation need_ me _for?_

Hiruzen puffs from his pipe, filling the room with the familiar smell of smoke.

"Mhm," he grunts. "I won't waste my time explaining. You will understand when you get there," he says, nodding to the ANBU to lead me. I recognize one of them as Tenzo and follow closely beside him as we head towards the Interrogation building, in the basement of the Police Force building next to the Hokage Tower.

"Do you know what this is about?" I mutter quietly to Tenzo, though I don't expect much of a response. He is on duty and not supposed to enclose information to me unless it is requested of him. But, being the friend that he is, he answers my question with the slightest shake of his head. I sigh and rub my temples.

We reach a dark hallway in the basement of the Police Force building and enter the door marked 'Interrogation Unit'. It's even darker in the unit which seems to have several broken or flickering lights and no outside light from any sort of windows. It's like a dungeon down here.

I've been down here in the past, on various ANBU duties, but today it seems particularly eerie. I hug my arms to my chest when I feel the cold of the basement hit them.

"Ayame Sarutobi, it's been a while."

The low, grumbling voice comes from a room with an open door and I pop my head in, seeing Ibiki who stands by a dark window.

"It sure has," I mutter. The last time I spoke with Ibiki, not from behind an anonymous ANBU mask, was many years ago concerning my witness statement from the nine-tail's attack on the village. _God, that was 12 years ago now. How time flies._ "Why am I here?"

He flicks a light switch and one single light inside the window shines brightly at a table in the center. It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust and make out the figure chained to the chair.

"I thought this might be of interest to you," Ibiki grunts, flicking another light switch and lighting the room up more. The figure at the table becomes clearer as my eyes adjust. "Oh, and he refused to talk except if it was to you. None of my harshest interrogation methods worked on him, so that's another factor..." he keeps talking, but I start to tune it out as I glare at the man bound to the chair.

His hair is black and he sits in the chair with his arms crossed and eyes closed. There are various scars and marks on his body, probably from Ibiki's intense interrogation methods.

"Ibiki," I mutter, walking closer to the glass. I notice a shimmer and realize it's one-way glass. "Who is this?"

"He says his name is Raven."

* * *

"Why the fuck would you summon me back to the village to speak to a damn intruder?" I say, raising my voice and pacing in Hiruzen's now empty office. He sent the guards out many minutes ago when he started to see the smoke coming out of my ears. "And what the hell is he doing in the Leaf Village!?"

Hiruzen doesn't lose his cool like I have. He looks at me from behind his desk with a looming confidence in his old eyes.

"That is exactly what I needed you here for," he answers calmly, simply repeating what he's been saying for the last several minutes. "He refuses to speak unless it is to you. None of Ibiki's interrogation methods worked either."

"I know that!" I shoot back, slamming my hand on his desk and forming it into a fist on the smooth surface. "But why would he come to the Leaf Village after all this time!"

"That's what I need you to ask him," he counters again.

"After all this time? No damn way I'm letting him back into my life. I finally forgot about him _years_ ago! And now, _after all this time_ , he has the audacity to return to the village and demand to speak to me?Just who the hell does he think he is, anyways!?"

I feel the anger rising, rushing through my blood and making my head feel hot, like it might explode. There are marks on my palms from my fingernails from clenching my fists too tight.

Hiruzen is silent for a few moments while I continue to pace back and forth across his office.

I groan loudly, hitting my fist against the wall and forcing my eyes shut. Nothing has ever made me this angry before. Not even when Hiruzen made me do the dishes as a kid while Asuma left to train because dishes were a 'woman's job' and Hiruzen was busy with dumb Hokage duties. Though, that did anger me quite a bit. I remember punching a hole right through Hiruzen's kitchen window.

No, not even then. Nothing has ever made me this mad before and I don't know why I'm letting him get to me. This is what he wants, to get through to me. But I won't let him. Not after what he did to me.

 _"Raven can go to hell!"_ I scream before storming out of Hiruzen's office.


	13. XIII ~ Flashback: Late for Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The following is from the past. It takes place one year before Ayame joined the ANBU.

The kunai hits the target in the bullseye and I sigh, rubbing the back of my aching head. The sun is beating down especially hot today, so it's not really ideal for training, but I see no other choice.

Finding a nice spot in the shade, I unravel my bento box and crack apart the chopsticks. They break with a satisfying snap.

As I eat, I watch the clouds roll by. Each one unique and each one meaningless to me. Analyzing clouds won't help me get into ANBU.

The only thing that can do that is more training. I have to get stronger if I am to prove myself. I won't be a disappointment like Asuma, who decided recently to run off and join some Guardian Ninja faction. No, I have to be better than that if I want to impress Hiruzen, and Hiruzen is the key to my entrance to ANBU.

I finish my lunch and stand up, wiping the dirt off my pants. I'm heading back into the clearing when a kunai flies in my direction. The knuckle blades are in my hands and with a clang, the flying kunai is deflected and falls uselessly to the ground.

"What are you doing training on a day like this?" a voice calls out from a tree branch. I turn around to see him leap to the ground and land softly in front of me in one swift motion.

Sighing, I stow the blades back in my pouch. "You didn't need to throw a knife at me to get my attention, Raven."

He smirks and puts his hand behind his head, innocently. "Well, I knew it wouldn't hit you," he says, throwing an arm around my shoulder. I grimace under the sudden weight but quickly compose myself. "I had no doubt in my mind that you'd deflect it. You're getting strong. Training is really paying off. But don't you think you should give yourself a break every one in a while?"

I lightly remove his arm from my shoulder and grab some shuriken from my pouch, tossing it at a nearby target easily. "I can't afford a break," I say as I hit a shuriken mid-air and send it flying towards a different target. "Not if I'm gonna join ANBU."

Raven throws a kunai and sends one of my shuriken off it's path. Both weapons hit a nearby tree, missing the target by many feet. I groan, giving him a light shove. "Hey," he says. "What's with your obsession with the ANBU, anyways? You were already a Chunin at 13 and Jonin at 15. Don't you think Hiruzen is proud of you as it is?"

I stop throwing and turn to Raven. His golden-brown eyes look softly into mine and he purses his lips in a fine line.

"It's not just about impressing my uncle," I say, running a gloved hand through my hair. "I set my eyes on that goal a long time ago and I can't give up on it now. I need to prove my strength to _myself_ too."

Raven lets out a heavy breath and glares into the blue sky, eyes somewhere distant, before returning to me. "This is about your mom, isn't it."

"I don't like to talk about her."

"No," he mutters, "You don't. But you should. I can see that it weighs on you."

I walk away from him and start collecting my tools from the targets.

"You know, who your mother or father is doesn't determine your worth, Ay."

I pull at a shuriken forcefully, as it is particularly stuck in one of the wooden targets. Finally, I manage to pull it free but my hand slips and a line of blood forms across my palm. "Shit!"

"Here," Raven says, pulling some bandage from his side-pouch and wrapping it around my hand. His cold fingers graze my hot skin as he wraps the wound in tender motions.

"Thanks..." I whisper, avoiding his eye, but his other hand finds my chin and moves me to look at him.

"I will always care for you," he says, and I can hear in his voice that he means it. "I love you, Ay. Never forget that."

My jaw slips open as I get lost in those gold-speckled eyes of his. They're a sharp contrast to the raven-black locks of hair that fall on his head and over his forehead. His eyes remind me of fireworks—full of energy, sincerity and light.

They didn't always look like that. Years ago, after both of his parents died in the Third Shinobi War, they lost their light. He became distanced and depressed and wouldn't even speak to me, his childhood best friend.

It took him months to finally say anything to me; I was promoted to Chunin and he said 'Congratulations'. I was so happy that I cried. Not happy that he was congratulating me; happy that he finally spoke again.

The sun beats down on us and I can feel the sweat from my face dripping onto Raven's hand as he holds my chin, but he doesn't seem to care.

"You're right," I say, removing my chin from his soft grasp. "It's too hot to be training today."

A smile rises to his lips and he nods, walking back to town with me.

"So, what are you gonna do with your day off?"

I shrug, fingers intertwining with his. I see the soft smile rise to the corners of his lips. My expression mirrors his.

"I think I'll spend it with my boyfriend," I whisper, giving his hand a squeeze. He squeezes back and my stomach goes all warm and tingly.

We reach his place and I throw my shoes off at the door, not bothering to line them up nicely like I'm forced to do at Hiruzen's place.

"Boy, I can't wait to get my own place," I say, walking into the studio-apartment and heading straight for the couch. I fall into the soft cushions and close my eyes, enjoying the cool air from a fan in the corner.

Raven heads to the tiny kitchen and starts making himself a sandwich while I click the TV on and flick through channels.

"You're really gonna spend all your savings from the last five years' missions on an apartment?" he argues, pulling lettuce from the fridge and running it under the tap.

"Yes," I state with confidence. "As soon as I can afford it, I am moving out of Uncle Hiruzen's and gaining my independence. I can't make a name for myself if I'm still living under his roof."

"And by roof you mean shadow," Raven adds. "You know, being the Third Hokage's niece doesn't give you a _bad_ image, rather the opposite. I don't know why you insist on separating yourself from him."

I groan, putting my feet on the coffee table and leaning further into the couch cushions. "So you'd think," I mutter. "You try living up to the expectations of an old man like the Third Hokage and see where that leaves you."

Raven chuckles, pressing down the bread on his sandwich and joining me on the couch. He stuffs it in his mouth and munches it down, not bothering with any kind of manners.

"I guess you're right," he muddles with a mouth full of food. "Though, I still think you're overthinking things."

I raise an eyebrow like _'whatever'_ and keep flipping the channel indecisively.

Evening comes quicker than expected and I groan when I look at the clock and realize Hiruzen wants me home in less than an hour.

"I can't deal with another one of his lectures if I'm late for dinner," I say, flicking the TV off and getting up off the couch. Raven stands with me and makes a pouty-face.

"You're leaving already? There's still almost an hour..."

"Yeah, well, knowing my luck, your clock's behind or I'll get stopped by some old lady on the way home whose cat got stuck in a tree, or some kid who can't find their way home, or-"

He cuts me off with a soft kiss on the lips. I immediately succumb to his embrace. He pulls away too fast and I go in for more but he presses a finger to my lips, "Ah, I wouldn't want to make you late for dinner now."

With a devilish smirk I rip his finger away and plant my lips on his, pulling him closer. After a minute, we both break for air.

"Of course not," I whisper playfully. "But like you said, there's still time..."

He raises an eyebrow, mirroring my smirk. His golden eyes seem to glow. "Time for _what?"_

Right that instant, my hands trail up under his shirt, feeling every bump and muscle with eager fingers, "Why don't I show you?" I whisper, nibbling on his ear.

We fall back into the couch and he quickly takes control, flipping us over so that he hovers over me. "You know I don't like it when people tell me what to do," he huffs, hands exploring every inch of my body like a well-studied map.

I shudder under the familiar cool touch of his fingers and allow myself to give in.

 _I don't need to be home for another forty-five minutes,_ I think, but my thoughts are pleasingly interrupted.

* * *

I run faster than I've ever ran before, swerving to avoid hitting people as I pass. They turn and stare as I run towards the setting sun.

_Please make it it time. Shit!_

I knock some little kid over and they fall to the ground.

"I'm so sorry," I say hurriedly, grabbing their wrists and pulling them up again. The yellow-haired boy, maybe only five years old, stares accusingly at me with his big blue eyes. They start to well with water. "No no no, it's okay! You're okay!" I say, patting him awkwardly on the shoulder. _God, why am I so bad with kids?_ "Where are your parents?"

And now I've really done it. The five year old starts wailing noisily and eyes on the street turn to us, giving us both dirty looks. _Great._

The sun continues to set over the village and I sigh, grabbing the kid by the hand.

"Come on, then." I say, dragging the crying child along with me as I head towards Uncle Hiruzen's. "Lord Third will probably know who you are and where you live, right? He's always talking to you youngsters." I try to sound cheery to make the child feel better but he continues to cry as I keep hold of his tiny hand.

Finally, his sobbing turns to sniffling as we reach the house.

I push the front door open and am confronted with a familiar face of disappointment from my uncle. He's about to lecture me when he spots the five year old at my side. Hiruzen's face turns lopsided as he looks from me to the child.

"Why on earth did you bring this child home with you?"

I laugh awkwardly, scratching the back of my head in the process, "It's... sort of a long story. But I think he's lost. See, I bumped into him, knocked him over, and his parents weren't around so-"

"We can talk about it later," he grunts as he takes the child's hand. "I will take him home. Go wash up and set the table. Put the soup back on the stove, while you're at it, or it's gonna be colder than it already is," he says accusingly.

I dip my head low, wearing the shameful expression that is all too familiar to me. "Yes, sir," I mutter, walking past him and turning into the kitchen. I hear the front door close behind him and sigh, putting the pot of cold soup onto the stove and setting the table.

I'm sitting down by the time Hiruzen returns. I try to make small talk while I avoid his eye. "I'll bet his parents were relieved, I'm sure they were looking for him. Sure am glad I bumped into him, otherwise he might still be-"

Hiruzen cuts me off in a sigh, "That boy has no parents."

My mouth drops and I meet Hiruzen's eyes to confirm I heard him right.

"What?"

"That's Uzumaki Naruto, son of the Fourth Hokage."

"Y-you mean, the nine-tail's jinchuriki? _That kid?"_

Hiruzen nods as he takes a seat at the other side of the table and ladles himself some soup.

"Oh," I frown, letting my head drop and stare into my empty bowl.

I get some soup myself and we eat in silence for a few minutes.

"Now, are you going to tell me why you knocked him over in the first place?" Hiruzen asks between slurps. I let out a breath, knowing the interrogation was bound to happen sooner or later.

"I was running," I mutter.

"Running late?" he says, reading me perfectly. I nod, keeping my eyes down. "I thought you knew to return for dinner as soon as the sun began to set? Don't tell me you were too focused on your training. Training is good, Ayame, but you've barely been home at all the last few months. Between missions and training, you're almost never here."

"Home," I mutter. "What is home?" Hiruzen's expression drops as he examines my face. I furrow my eyebrows in frustration. "Certainly not where my parents are, that's for sure. Not that I have any way of knowing that, because you refuse to talk about them."

Hiruzen sighs, scratching his tiny, pointed beard.

"And not that it matters, but I wasn't training," I say with my chin up, in attempt to gain the upper hand in this conversation.

"Where were you, then?"

"At Raven's. I took the afternoon off to hang out with him." It feels good to say this, knowing it will bother Hiruzen. Hiruzen never liked Raven, I guess he knew his parents or something...

I don't expect Hiruzen's next remark, "And that made you late because?..."

My face heats up and I drop my head. _None of your damn business,_ I think. I won't discuss this with Hiruzen. Not in a million years. "Nevermind," I say angrily, letting the spoon fall into the liquidy soup and taking my dishes to the sink. "I'm tired. I leave on my 6-week mission tomorrow so I'm going to sleep."

Hiruzen doesn't question me any further, thank god, and I dip out of the room, eager to get away.

When my head hits the pillow, I close my eyes and try to urge myself to focus on something other than my frustration with Hiruzen. People always look up to him and think he's _such_ a great man, but he hasn't been the nicest since Asuma left.

I mean, I shouldn't blame him. I'm upset about it too. _Pfft, leaving your village to be a body guard for_ _some_ _Feudal Lord. What was he thinking? He was just made Jonin. Does that mean nothing to him? Does this village mean nothing to him?_

I try to forget about it, urging my mind to stop, but the thoughts keep rolling.

Raven was right. I do overthink things. And I can't have that happening if I'm going to become an ANBU. ANBU have to make split-second, life-or-death decisions and overthinking is not an option.

My answer is synchronicity. It's always been. But how can my body and mind be in sync to make those split-second decisions when my mind insists on overthinking everything?

I roll over, squishing my face into the pillow and groaning heavily, the noise muffled by the pillow.

Eventually, I manage to fall asleep. I dream about Raven and his perfect, golden eyes and soft, black hair. His voice speaks softly to me and he gives me the confidence I need to keep striving for my independence.


	14. XIV ~ Flashback: Late Again

I meet up with Kurenai and the other team member both who wait patiently for me at the village gates.

"You're late," Kurenai says kindly, giving me a soft smile as I approach.

"You're early," I reply. I look at the other Chunin who will be coming on this mission with us. I don't know him that well, but I've seen him around. He's got tan skin and dark hair pulled back into a high pony-tail... and a strange mark stretching across his nose. He looks a couple years younger than me.

"I'm Iruka, this is my first mission as a Chunin!" he exclaims, pointing happily at himself with his thumb. I give him a curt nod.

"Ayame, I'm the Jonin captain who will be leading this team for the next six weeks."

Iruka smiles widely.

We begin walking, discussing the details of this mission. We will be travelling to the Hidden Stone Village, though there is no rush so we'll walk and take breaks frequently in order to save our energy and stamina for possible attacks.

See, the scroll we are delivering contains a message concerning the relations with the Hidden Leaf and Hidden Stone, and could mean the difference between an alliance or an enemy. The problem is that the Hidden Mist Village is out to sabotage our relations with the Stone and prevent the contract from being signed.

Our mission is to successfully wade off any attackers and get the scroll to the Tsuchikage before returning. It should take 3 weeks to get there and 3 weeks back, _if everything goes according to plan._

"No pressure," I mutter after we finish discussing the details. Iruka gulps a little but composes himself quickly.

"We'll succeed, no problem," he says, making big motions with his hands and trying to look confident. I smirk and give him a pat on the shoulders which causes his face to flush with colour.

"I have no doubts," I say. Iruka nods and Kurenai chuckles under her breath.

* * *

If you're ever given the opportunity to travel on foot for weeks on end, don't take it.

It's been nearly two weeks but it feels like longer. The days are long and we've had to keep going, even through heavy rainfall. Our feet are sore and tired from trekking the rough terrain, since the nicely made paths closer to the Leaf Village have long since disappeared. As we stop for the night to set up camp, the air grows cold. Kurenai starts a fire and I toss my bag down, pulling out the dry-packaged stew mix and a small pot.

"I'll go get some water from the stream up ahead," Iruka says, taking a metal water bottle from me. I thank him as he heads off into the trees.

Kurenai manages to start the fire and blows on it to keep it going while I toss my sleeping bag down and sit on one end of it, enjoying the warmth and light from the fire.

"It's been awfully quiet, don't you think?" I mutter. Kurenai places some more sticks on the growing fire and leans back on her knees.

"We _are_ in the middle of nowhere in the Land of Fire and near the border of the Stone, far away from any known villages," she mutters, stating the obvious.

I roll my eyes, "Well, of course, but I mean it's _eerily_ quiet. Why hasn't the enemy made a move yet?"

Kurenai just shrugs and pours the dry-stew package into the pot. "It's a good thing, don't you think? Maybe we'll make it there without any interruptions."

"Maybe," I say, but I'm not very convinced. The way the missions council talked this mission up really made me anticipate some real fights. But maybe they were just giving us the worst case scenario; after all, they did just choose to send one small team of Jonin and Chunin rather than all Jonin or even an ANBU team. It seems this mission is probably B-ranked, at best.

Iruka returns with a water bottle full, as well as wet clothes and dripping hair.

I can't suppress the laughter as it forces its way up my windpipe. "What, did you fall in the river?"

Kurenai joins in with my laughter and Iruka makes a grim face as he takes his green vest off and hangs it off the branch of a tree.

"It's not my fault!" he claims. "My foot slipped-"

I notice a change in the air near one of the trees. My head whips around quickly which effectively silences both Iruka and Kurenai as all three of us diligently search the treeline with our eyes.

"Who's there-"

I silence Iruka by putting my hand up, eyes still trained on the treeline. Someone appears the next moment and all three of us are pushed back and in fighting stances, guarding each other's backs in a three-man formation.

I grab the knuckle blades from my pouch and Iruka wields a kunai.

"Kurenai," I whisper, backing up slightly so she can hear me. "Where is the scroll?"

"Don't worry, I've got it," she mutters back. I stare up at the lone shinobi who wears Hidden Mist ANBU attire. "Keep an eye on that guy, we'll watch for others."

"O-others?" Iruka stammers. "But that guy's an ANBU, if there are others... how can we possibly hope to defeat them?"

My hand finds Iruka's shoulder. "Don't be afraid, Iruka. Just be on the defensive and don't let your guard down." He nods, gulping out an _'Mn'_ noise as he grips his kunai harder. The Mist ANBU makes his first move, coming at us head-on before disappearing in a cloud of mist.

"Clones," Kurenai says as she fights off more ANBU that approach us from the surrounding forest.

"Mist clones, similar to shadow clones," I add, forming the hand signs for a shadow clone myself. Another me battles with one of the ANBU but is defeated easily when the ANBU slashes with a kunai.

I move in front of Kurenai and guard her, since she's got the scroll. "Shit," I mutter under my breath. Iruka throws kunai after kunai and I know he must be running low on weapons soon. Each tool hits one of the clones and it disappears with a _poof._

Then the enemy starts avoiding our throws and punches.

 _Damn it, the mist clones were to discover who had the scroll._ Iruka takes one side and I take the other as we each take on one mist ANBU. I hear Iruka yelp out in pain and spare a brief second to look behind. He's on the ground, gripping his shoulder, while blood seeps through his fingers.

Gritting my teeth, I infuse my blades with chakra, holding firm against the katana that tries diligently to cut my head off. Kurenai is fighting an equal fight too, dual-wielding kunai to deflect the enemy's sword.

But more start coming out of the trees.

 _I knew we might have to fight mist shinobi, but I didn't expect them to send their ANBU Black Ops._ Did Hiruzen know this would happen? Why would he send two chunin and a jonin if he knew this would happen? 

These guys are way out of our league at the moment, and I grunt as more continue to come out of the trees. I throw kicks behind me, trying to wade off the ones attacking from behind while defending myself from the ones in front.

"Kurenai," I yell. We make eye contact for just a moment as she reads my thoughts. With a quick nod, we both leap into the air, landing on tree branches above. "You run with the scroll and I'll retrieve Iruka. We can't take these guys on by ourselves."

She nods in understanding and starts off through the branches. I leap back down beside Iruka and put his arm over my shoulder, pulling him up.

"D-Don't worry about me," he grunts. "Just get out of here."

"I won't leave my comrades behind," I mutter, using my remaining energy to jump into the branches with Iruka, but my foot flips off a broken branch and we go tumbling. I let out a yelp, reaching out for Iruka as he falls. I can see the Mist ANBU approaching quickly but there's no way to get away mid-air.

I squeeze my eyes shut, thankful that Kurenai got away with the scroll. I never thought I would die so soon, though. _I never even reached my goal of joining ANBU. Instead, I was defeated by them. Funny how that works._

For a moment, I think about Raven and the future we were supposed to have. I hope he turns out okay and doesn't dwell on the past, though that's not like him. He's always been the type to look forward to the future—everything is planned with him. He so perfectly organizes every little thing, including our futures. We've got it all planned out, so a change in that might hurt him hard. I really want him to move on and be okay without me, he deserves that at least.

I prepare for a hard hit from one of the enemy's swords. When I feel a sharp blade scrape my side, I cry out in pain. The breath leaves my lungs when I feel my back collide with something.

_No, not something. Someone._

Someone has caught me and now we're running faster than my eyes can follow. I look up and see a strange cat-like mask. The silver-haired Hidden Leaf ANBU sets me down behind a tree. "Stay here," he says quickly before zipping away faster than my eyes can follow. I peer out from behind the tree and see countless Leaf ANBU take on the Mist ANBU.

"What are the Leaf ANBU doing all the way out here..." I mutter to myself, grunting as I clutch the wound on my side as it throbs and stings painfully.

"Beats me," a weak voice mutters. I turn my head to see Iruka leaning safely against another tree nearby.

"So you're okay," I say, eyeing the wound on his shoulder. He holds it with his hand, preventing more bleeding.

"Yeah, saved in the nick of time."

I hear a screaming sound, like a thousand birds all squealing at once, followed by several _thumps_ which must be bodies colliding with the hard earth.

I look around the tree again to see as one of the Leaf ANBU, the one with the silver hair, pierces the last living body with a hand full of lightning and lets them fall to the ground. I try to get to my feet but my side screams out in pain and I gasp, falling down again.

Another ANBU, a different one from before, walks up and offers me a shoulder to lean on. It actually works out quite well because this one is shorter than me. His mask is different than the rest. There are thick black, red and green lines forming the shape of a strange-looking cat. His mask is much more distinguishable and intricate than the other ones.

Iruka is helped by someone too.

"We should get the bandages up and wrap their wounds, Senpai," the one I'm leaning on shocks me with his surprisingly child-like voice. It sounds like he's maybe 15.

_Here I am, nearly 18, and I'm still just a Jonin. Meanwhile, this kid is 15 and already a skilled ANBU. Who knows how long he's already been one, too!_

"How long have you been in the ANBU?" I can't help but ask him. He looks at me strangely through his mask for a moment before setting me down and grabbing some bandages.

"They're not supposed to disclose personal information while they're in uniform," Kurenai's voice calls out. I throw my head around, eyes wide and a large smile forming on my face when I spot Kurenai. She leaps down, pulling the scroll from her belt and smirking. "I wasn't about to leave my comrades behind. I can see you were well taken care of, though," she says as she nods to the group of ANBU around us.

"We have been shadowing you since you left on this mission. Our mission is to protect you three and the scroll. Lord Third suspected that something like this mighg happen," the silver-haired one called 'Senpai' says—the same silver-haired one who saved me earlier.

"I see," I answer, grunting in pain as my side starts to throb again.

"Let me wrap that for you," Kurenai says, taking the bandage from the young one and helping me out of my vest. The blood soaks through my blue undershirt around a large slash through the fabric and skin. "They really got you good."

"I apologize for not revealing ourselves sooner," the Senpai, probably the team captain, says with a monotone. "We needed to see if they had intent to kill so we can report the situation to Lord Third."

I shake it off, "Don't worry about it, uh, Captain." He runs a hand through his thick, silver hair and sighs. People begin taking the sword holsters off their backs and sitting or lying down, some choosing to lean against trees and others choosing to lay sleeping bags on the ground around the fire.

"We'll accompany you on the rest of your journey, now. And after the scroll is delivered, we'll be parting ways to pursue other orders from Lord Third in the Land of Stone," the captain says, choosing a tree stump to sit on.

I watch as he sighs again, pulling his cat-mask off and laying it on the stump. He rubs his face, the part that's not hidden by yet another mask, and I notice one of his eyes is slashed with a long scar. He keeps the eye closed, the other tired grey one staring at nothing in particular.

The young one from earlier sets up beside me, taking his mask off as well.

"I'm Tenzo," he says cheerily, offering his hand. I take in his young features. His brown hair is shoulder-length and his large, ovular eyes are like black beads and sort of creepy looking. But his expression shows nothing but kindness.

"Ayame," I say, shaking his hand. He smiles sweetly and I continue to stare strangely at him for a few more moments.

"What's the matter?"

"O-oh, nothing," I quickly compose myself, "You're just so young to be in the ANBU..." I can't seem to hold back the awe and jealousy. I wonder if he notices.

"Kakashi-Senpai joined when he was 13," Tenzo says, nodding to the silver-haired captain who rubs his forehead in his hands.

My eyes go wide as I put two and two together.

"You're Kakashi of the Sharingan," I say in surprise. He looks up, his single open eye analyzing me calmly. Again, I glance at the long scar over his left eye. He's a couple years older than me, Kurenai's age, so we were never in the same Academy class, but I definitely used to see him around the village quite frequently. Back before he got that eye of his.

I feel a shiver down my spine as I think about the rumors. Some people say he killed his teammate, Obito Uchiha. Others say he failed to protect him and Obito _gifted_ the eye to him.

But apparently he also killed his other teammate with some highly-advanced assassination jutsu. Lightning, right through the chest. The piercing sound of a thousand birds—the same one he must have used to take down many of those Mist ANBU just a minute ago. What a terrible way to die.

But I guess a jutsu like that is necessary for the types of missions ANBU must complete. I should probably start working on one of those jutsu myself, if I ever hope to join ANBU.

Night falls fast and we're left in total darkness, except for the warm glow of the fire. Iruka finishes the stew and we eat, enjoying the thick, warm food as it makes its way down our throats and into our hungry stomachs.

"I'm sorry we can't offer you all some, we didn't pack enough food for this many people," Kurenai says, watching as the ANBU eat food pills.

"This is what we're used to. They don't taste so bad after a while. You get used to them," Tenzo says as he bites down on a tiny, brown ball. It crunches loudly and the sound of teeth on something so hard and dry makes me grimace. Thinking about only eating food pills for weeks on end almost makes me lose my appetite.

 _This is my future,_ I think.

"I'll take first watch, everyone else get some sleep," the captain says as he skillfully walks up a tree and perches in a branch. Everyone else slides into their respective sleeping bags or leans against some tree near the fire and one by one, people doze off. I stare up at the sky through the empty patches in the canopy of leaves above, counting the stars and feeling more tired by the second.

We get up at the butt crack of dawn the next morning, before the sun has even broken over the horizon, and began travelling as a group. It takes just one more week to arrive at the Hidden Stone Village. Nobody really talks much on the journey—I guess that's expected. They're ANBU, after all. I guess casual conversation while they're in uniform is not their thing.

In that week, whenever we set up camp, I get to know the one named Tenzo better. He gives me the run-down of his past, how he came from the Foundation and is a wood-style user, and I give him the basics of mine. I leave out the details, simply choosing to tell him about how I'm the niece of the Hokage and don't know my parents. I tell him about my dream to join ANBU and he listens intently, smiling the kindest smile I've ever seen.

The silver haired captain, Kakashi of the Sharingan, doesn't say much. I've decided he's a pretty bland guy—the total opposite of Tenzo. But I do notice Kakashi glancing over at me on the rare occasion. His grey eye keeps its bored look, even when I try to smile at him. He certainly lives up to the nicknames he's got: cold-hearted captain, cold-killer... and the meaning of his name, _scarecrow_ , fits his personality perfectly.

With the scroll safely delivered, the ANBU team splits up with us, tending to their own secret mission here in the Land of Stone.

Kurenai, Iruka, and I begin our three week journey home.

Maybe it's from eating nothing but dried food packages or maybe it's exhaustion that I'm unaware of, but I have to stop a couple times on our journey to rest. I grip a tree, leaning over the ground while I clutch my stomach with the other hand. The nausea comes in waves but eventually it goes away and we can continue without interruptions.

The following day, it happens again. I throw up almost everything I managed to get into my stomach that morning, which makes me even more tired and hungry than before. Pretty soon, my head starts to pound.

"I think I need another rest," I say to Kurenai as I stumble behind a tree and vomit again. She comes up behind, patting my back as I try to get a hold of myself.

"You haven't been well these last few days," she mutters, concern filling her features. "I think we should stop in the next town and stay at an inn until you get better..."

"No, really, I'm okay. I just need to-" Before I can finish my sentence, the nausea returns full-force and I puke again.

"I know you're the jonin captain, but you're the sick captain right now so we're gonna stop, regardless of what you say." I sigh as Kurenai takes control of the situation. She's always been like that, it's just who she is. She cares about the well-being of others more than she cares about herself. Her and I go way back, since she's so close with Asuma, though she was always more Asuma's friend than mine. But she's always been there for me. So I nod, accepting her order since I know there's no way she'll let me decline it.

We make our way slowly to the next town, which takes two days on foot. I vomit each day before getting a hold of myself and feeling better. I decide to stop eating breakfast, thinking maybe it's the dried-food packages and nutrition bars which are causing my constant nausea. Eating the same gross food for weeks on end might be the problem. Or maybe I've just come down with the flu.

When we arrive at the small village, we check into an Inn and Kurenai and I take one room while Iruka takes another.

I lean back against the wall of the Inn, a bucket at my side.

"This is the worst possible time for me to get hit with the flu," I mutter, pulling my hair up into a bun.

Kurenai shrugs, "Not like we're in a rush to get home or anything. Rest up," she says, shoving water in my face and placing a blanket over my legs. "We'll travel the remaining two weeks' journey after you're better."

I nod, cuddling myself under the blanket. For a moment, my mind wanders. The flu I've been hit with is a strange one... it only seems to hit me in the mornings after breakfast, and then I'm fine the rest of the day. Not typical of the flu... and the flu doesn't usually last this long.

"Hey, Kurenai..." I say skeptically. "What's the date today?"

She furrows her eyebrows, looking at me strangely with her soft, red eyes. "It's the 27th, why?"

_The end of the month already?_

"Oh god."

"What?" Kurenai probes.

"I was due for my period a week ago."


	15. XV ~ Flashback: Vow to Myself

We sit silently for a few moments, staring into each other's eyes. Her red eyes gleam with curiosity and concern.

"Are you-"

"Yes," I say quickly, quietly. "For a few months now. But we've always been careful."

Kurenai's eyes go wide as she makes the realization. The air is tense and quiet. She looks around, mind wandering as she assesses the situation.

"I'm gonna go buy a test," she says quietly, before getting up and leaving the room. It seems she's eager to escape this tense situation just as much as I.

Fear fills me completely and I vomit again into the bucket.

_This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening._

Kurenai returns ten minutes later and hands me the test. I take it into the washroom and set it on the counter face-down as it processes.

"Kurenai," I mutter out the door. She immediately comes to my side. Her voice is warm and steady.

"What does it say?"

"I haven't checked it."

She walks into the bathroom with me and we both stare at the small pink stick, face-down on the counter.

"What will you do if it's positive?" she asks, voice calm but tone matching the concerned look on my own face.

"I don't know," is all I can say. "I don't know." I can't think about anything right now. My thoughts feel fuzzy. This moment feels surreal, straight out of a movie. How can this be happening to _me?_

It makes a tiny, digital 'beep' and my fingers shake as I reach out to turn it over. But before I can touch it, I retract my hand, holding it tightly with the other one as it trembles. Eyes wide, I stare at the upside-down pregnancy test.

Kurenai takes my hand, cupping it between both of hers and giving me a look of reassurance.

"Whatever happens," she says softly, "everything's gonna be okay." Her deep, red eyes are calm and confident, the opposite of how I must look right now. I nod, jaw hanging open ever so slightly. She lets go of my hand, letting it fall softly to my side again. Then, she reaches for the test and takes it off the counter, reading it.

I try to search her eyes for any indication but her poker face is the best one I've ever seen. Or maybe it's because I'm so scared out of my mind that I'm unable to read the situation.

Her eyes leave the test and trail to me hesitantly.

"Well?" I urge, every nerve in my body pulsing with fear and anticipation.

The words fall quietly off her tongue, barely a whisper. It takes me a moment to process and I don't immediately respond. I'm like a statue, hearing the words but not moving. Even the breath in my lungs stops when Kurenai mutters, "It's positive."

* * *

We continue the journey, mostly in silence. Iruka says something every now and then, to break the silence, but I don't hear much of what he says. My mind is scrambling as I go over it in my head for the thousandth time.

_"Raven, I'm pregnant."_

_No, that's not good. I can't just throw it on him._

_"Can we talk, Raven?" "Sure." "I think you should know that I'm pregnant."_

_Gah! There's no good way to tell him this. This isn't something you tell your 18 year old boyfriend every day._

_What is he going to think? How will he react? We've never talked about kids before. And we had so many plans for the future. Raven was going to go on and become a Jonin. I was gonna join ANBU._

_And we've talked about the possibility of marriage, but that always came_ after _I left ANBU._ _When we both have more time for each other._

Kurenai notices my mental distress and puts an arm around my shoulder, whispering in my ear so Iruka can't hear, "Remember, you've got this. Everything'll turn out okay, alright?"

I nod but I'm not completely convinced.

We arrive back at the village and I barely have time to say goodbye to my team when the golden-eyed boy is already wrapped around me, arms swung over my shoulders and head resting on top of mine.

"I missed you," he whispers. I stare sideways at Kurenai who nods once more before heading off. I swallow hard, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat.

"Raven, I have to-"

He cuts me off, voice smooth and soothing.

"I have a surprise for you."

"O-oh," I mutter.

"Come on, I've waited six whole weeks for this."

He guides me towards one of the gardens at the edge of the village. I follow, my hand wrapped in his. His familiar cold fingers don't bring me comfort like they used to. I feel cold throughout my body, fearing and dreading the conversation that I've ran over a thousand times in my head.

But that cold disappears and tears fill my eyes when I spot a single blanket surrounded by beautiful gardens. He guides me to it and we sit down as he cracks open the picnic basket and starts digging through, showing me all the little things he's prepared.

But my mind is still too distracted to appreciate any of it. I just stare in vulnerable silence as he goes on about how he somehow managed to burn the rice and had to ask an elderly women to help him cook it while he prepared the only thing he really knows how to prepare, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

 _He's perfect,_ I think. _And I'm pregnant._

"Raven," I say, cutting off his rant. He stops talking and looks to me with that big smile of his. "Raven, we need to talk."

The happy expression fades from his face and is replaced by concern.

"Okay," he says, placing a hand on my knee. "What's going on?"

"What does the future look like to you?" I ask quietly. He tilts his head in slight confusion but answers nonetheless.

"Well," he says slightly unsure. "I hope to become a Jonin, you're going to join ANBU. Maybe somewhere in there we can move in together... though I know you've always dreamed of getting your own place. I meant to talk about it with you, but couldn't find the right time. Then, after you leave the ANBU, maybe we can get married. You know, once we're both settled down and financially stable and everything. Then, maybe, I mean we'd have to talk about it, but maybe then we could have kids. When we're ready for it, you know? But you need to accomplish your goal of ANBU, first. I know how much you want that."

My eyes go wide and brows furrow slightly. I have to fight to hold back the tears that threaten to fall down my cheeks.

_It all sounds so perfect. This is all I've ever wanted. But..._

"I... don't know if ANBU can happen anymore."

His expression turns strange as Raven looks at me like I have two heads. "What do you mean? It's all you ever talk about. Why the sudden change of mind?" He pauses for a moment, examining my face. I must be pale because he puts a hand on my forehead, "Are you feeling okay?"

I don't answer for a moment, trying to find the right words. "I just—I-" but the right words never come. _How will he react? He mentioned wanting to get married in the future... that's good, right? We love each other. Maybe Kurenai's right. Maybe this isn't going to be so bad._

"What's wrong, Ay?" Raven's hand finds the side of my face. His cool fingers wipe away the tears from the corners of my eyes.

I stare silently at him for a few seconds, going over the practiced words in my head. But nothing I practiced seems to feel right. There's no soft way to break this to him. The words fall awkwardly off my tongue, forgetting everything I'd told myself to do these past two weeks as I'd prepared to say these words.

"I'm... pregnant."

Silence.

His expression drops. His hand falls from my face and jaw hangs open. He's completely speechless and equally impossible to read.

"Say something..." I mutter.

After more silence stretches between us, he replies in a monotone. "You can't— I can't—"

"You can't what?"

"I can't have a child," he says quizzically, as if questioning it for the first time himself. His eyes refuse to find mine. I urge him to look at me but he holds firm.

Suddenly, I'm raising my voice. All the emotion I've held back until now comes rushing out. "We kind of don't have a choice, Raven! It's too late for that!" Anxiety rises to my chest and I can feel my heart beating out of control. My hand grips my abdomen and I wonder if I might be sick again.

Raven's face continues on, stripped and void of all emotion. His voice is a monotone, mirroring the expression on his face.

Then he says the dreaded words.

"Get an abortion."

Now it's my turn to be in shock, "What?"

"Don't have the baby."

I stare at him with wet cheeks, "Rav-"

"I'm 18. You're 17. We're too young. We have our whole lives ahead of us!" he pleads.

In this moment, I see the pleading fear in his eyes and the word escapes my lips without much thought. My mind feels like a cloud, floating by without shape or meaning. The only thing I can think of his how scared I am to lose him. I say it so quietly that I can barely hear myself, or maybe it's my muffled mind causing that.

"Okay."

* * *

So I go to a clinic the next day, mind still riding that foggy, meaningless cloud from yesterday.

The doctor talks to me but I'm distant and not paying much attention. I sign all the necessary forms after skimming over them, barely reading them at all.

And then the procedure is performed.

I expect life to go on as it was before. When I go to see Raven, he says, "Did you do it?"

I nod without expression.

But things never go back to the way they were. It's like there's a fog between Raven and I. Whenever we're near, we feel distant and estranged.

I spend a lot of my time training, because it helps distract me from the mess that is my mind. Through the training, I find clarity. Eventually, I develop a wind-style hurricane sphere jutsu and Hiruzen enrolls me in the ANBU.

I run into Raven on a back street one night, when I'm on night duty. It's the road that leads out of the village.

"Where are you going?" I ask through the mask, even though I know this is against protocol. He recognizes my voice and stops in his tracks, back facing me.

"I can't stay here."

"Why not?" I ask. I know why, but the question still comes.

"Because it hurts me every time I look at you and know you won't look at me the same way."

"Raven..." I mutter, voice soft and hurting. Then it changes and I'm raising my voice, "What the hell is your problem?" He doesn't turn around. He doesn't even flinch. " _You_ were the one who told me to get an abortion! What, you don't think this affects me too? Don't you know how hard it was? But I made the decision anyways. I made the decision that _you_ wanted me to make because I thought we loved each other."

"Goodbye, Ayame," he mutters. I can't tell how he's feeling because he never turns back to look at me. He just walks away and leaves me to cry behind the ANBU mask.

I'm suddenly shivering. Maybe it's from the cold night air and my exposed shoulders. I decide to blame it on that. I won't let this ruin me. I can't. I've finally achieved my lifelong goal and I can't allow myself to fall now.

After a while, Tenzo appears and offers me a hand, as I am now curled up on the ground. I'm glad he can't see my wet, pink-stained cheeks through the mask. Despite this, Tenzo still reads me perfectly.

"I don't know what's wrong but whatever it is, I'm here," he mutters.

"Tenzo..." I take his hand and get back on my feet, pledging to forget all about everything from the past and go on with my future.

I make a vow to myself: I will never fall in love again.

 _Mind and body in sync,_ I remind myself. _I must not allow emotions to screw up my chance at the life I've always dreamed of._

And I succeed in shutting those memories out.

Until now, that is, as the black-haired boy stares aimlessly through the one-sided glass. Our eyes meet for a brief second, for the first time in well over a decade. A one-sided exchange, since it's a one-way window. He looks at me with those firework speckled golden eyes, and even though I know he's only seeing his own reflection, it hurts me nonetheless.


	16. XVI ~ Regret

Until now, I'd managed to push all memories of Raven out of my head, focusing instead on progressing in the ANBU and as a shinobi. After reaching my goal of becoming an ANBU and getting my own place—and moving out of Hiruzen's—my focus became body-mind synchronization because if I allowed my thoughts to run wild and that horrible gut feeling to return, the memories would inevitably return as well.

Now they come back, full-force, as I stare through the one-way glass at the golden-eyed boy.

_Why has he come back after all these years?_

My fingers tremble as I reach for the door handle.

"If at any point you wish to leave, you may. You are under no professional obligation to speak to him," Ibiki says, pushing the door open for me because it seems I've lost the strength to do it myself.

It creaks in a horrible way as it opens and I step through. All sound inside of the dark room seems muffled and strange. The boy at the spotlit table still stares straight ahead, as if he hasn't noticed me.

I take one tentative step towards the table when the door behind me suddenly slams shut, making me jump slightly, and I'm left utterly alone. I know I can leave at any time but for some reason, my feet carry me forward; just like they carried me back to this interrogation ward, even after I swore to Hiruzen that I wanted nothing to do with this boy and Raven could go to hell.

One step after another. Every step closer to him makes my insides twist worse than the last. Still, he acts like he hasn't noticed me. _It seems._

"So you finally came," he says, eyes still locked on the mirror. I'm sure now that he _is_ in fact looking at me, just through the reflection. He's looking at the back of my head and it bothers me that he won't look straight at me.

The first thing I notice is his voice. It's changed since I last heard him—it's deeper. If not for those distinctly unique eyes of his, I would not recognize this man. All remnants of childhood are long gone, evident of his sharp jaw line and strong, protruding cheekbones.

I approach the very edge of the table now, looking down on him and blocking his view of himself in the mirror. My face remains void of emotion—a handy skill I worked on during my time in ANBU but was never really able to execute. Strange that it works now of all times.

"I'm here because I want to be, not because you asked me," I say with an equally monotone voice. Is this how Kakashi feels all the time? He's a lot better at this 'bored and monotonous' thing than me.

"I see you're just as stubborn as you used to be," he says, deciding to mirror my fake monotone himself.

"The person I used to be does not exist anymore. I willed her out of my memory long ago."

Raven snickers under his breath which makes me tense. I grab the cold, metal chair in front of me but don't sit down. I won't stoop to his level. Not ever.

"So that's what you've been telling yourself all these years," he mutters, still refusing to look at me. His eyes, despite being the same unique color as they've always been, have lost their glow. I realize now that his protruding cheekbones are not actually a result of a strong jaw but sunken cheeks. Upon closer inspection, he looks entirely drained—as if the life and energy were sucked right out of him.

"And what have you been doing?" I force myself to ask. I don't give a damn what he's been up to, in all honesty. I just want him to go away. But for that, we need to get him to speak. The village will not let intruders off the hook without a formidable reason.

"So you do care-"

"No," I cut him off with a tinge of aggression. He doesn't flinch, his face still void of expression, but doesn't continue speaking either. He allows me to talk without interruption. "No. I don't give a damn about you, but I do care that a shinobi who disappeared from this village long ago is suddenly returning. What is a rogue like you doing back here? What is your intent?"

For a while, he doesn't answer. He just sits in the bright light and continues to stare straight ahead at my torso while seemingly staring at nothing.

Then, his eyes move. They trail slowly... up, up... and suddenly our eyes are locked, for the first time in 12 years. A pitiful sensation forms in my stomach.

I remain unmoving, my lips a tight line and eyes void of emotion—at least, I hope. I can't afford to show weakness. I won't throw away the synchronicity I've worked so hard to achieve; I won't succumb to my old feelings.

He speaks low and slow, as if each word is carefully meditated and practiced, "I came to tell you that I regret my decision. I've regretted leaving you for 12 years. I think about you every day— every day, it hurts me more and more. I spiraled, Ay. Since that day I left you, I've been a wreck. I'm here today to ask you to give me a second chance."

 _POUND._ A hit straight to the gut. At least, it feels that way. Still, I stare straight into his eyes and show no interest.

"You had your chance, 12 years ago."

"And I chose wrong," he's starting to crack, I can see it in his eyes—the emotion that threatens to push through his facade. "I was wrong."

"Wrong about what?"

"About everything."

"Wrong about the baby too?"

The room goes silent. I know Ibiki and others are probably listening but I don't care anymore. Tell the whole world that I got pregnant and had an abortion when I was 17. Nothing seems like it could possibly be as dreadful as this moment, right here.

Raven whispers but his voice travels well in this small, stone-walled room, "We were too young." The words barely make it off his tongue. I can hear the hurt in his voice.

That hurt reflects in my own voice as I respond, "I'm a teacher now. A sensei. You know, our child would have been the same age as the kids I'm in charge of." I pause for a moment, contemplating my next words. They come out strained but I know I have to say them, "My mother had mewhen she was 17. My father told her to get an abortion. She could have chosen to abort me, but she didn't. She stood up for herself and didn't listen to him. And now I'm alive because of that."

"Ayame-"

"What if she'd listened to my father and aborted, Raven?" I throw his name in at the end so he can hear the hurt in my voice. I don't care to hide it anymore.

Raven goes silent. He doesn't have anything else to say to me. At this, I turn swiftly and head to the door. Before I open it, though, I say one last thing. "You know as well as I do what villages do with their rogue ninjas." And it's just like that night 12 years ago, except the roles are flipped. "Goodbye, Raven."

I don't look back.

* * *

A few weeks pass and I manage to avoid the Interrogation ward, though Hiruzen keeps me updated. They're keeping him locked up for now, while they figure out what to do with him.

Certainty, they cannot simply let him go. He was classified as a rogue many years ago. But Hiruzen says they have no basis for execution because they can't find any evidence of disruptions. _What the hell was Raven doing for 12 whole years?_

Sulking, apparently. I'm still a bit shaken up from his confession. Of course I won't get back together with Raven. That's ridiculous. Besides, I'm with Kakashi now. I've finally started settling down with a genin team and role I'm enjoying, I've met my goal of becoming ANBU and lived that out, and now I'm finally just able to open up romantically again when Raven suddenly shows up.

 _Damn him._ I wish he'd stayed hidden forever. He really does have a way of managing to screw everything up, doesn't he?

Do I tell Kakashi? I feel an obligation to tell him, considering all that's happened between us. But I'm scared of Kakashi finding out because of the whole pregnancy and abortion at 17 thing. How would he react to that? 

And I can never tell him about my regrets. That would kill him. I can already imagine the conversation in my head:

_"Kakashi, I regret aborting mine and Raven's child when I was 17."_

God, he might think I still have feelings for Raven, and that could ruin us.

I sigh aloud as I walk towards my apartment after some much needed de-stressing at the training grounds. Training really is the best way to get your mind off things, especially when you're alone. I've been working with the genin a lot lately while Kakashi has been off on other missions. It's good, yes, but I don't get much time to train alone anymore. Even target practice intrigues me now.

Sakura is advancing nicely. Her chakra control is better than mine was at her age, I can see her maybe even becoming a medical ninja if she keeps it up—something I was never able to achieve. I only ever managed to heal minor skin wounds like small cuts and burns. But Sakura mastered tree climbing in just days and she's showing steady improvement.

Sasuke and Naruto are both improving at the same rate, which bothers them both but is good for them in the end. It seems like a good rivalry between the two boys, which promotes healthy progress.

I'm proud of my genin for how far they've come in just a couple months. Asuma has mentioned his genin too and it seems the same for him and Kurenai. This year's rookies are a good batch of kids.

"Yo," someone says. I turn and strain to see who it is through the light from the setting sun behind them. Their body is a silhouette and face a void of darkness. When I stop, they move closer and I finally make out their face.

"Tenzo!" He's not dressed in his ANBU attire anymore. "Are you off duty? For real?"

"Mhm," he says and cracks a smile. "Got the night off. There are enough jonin in the village to cover most of the A-ranked missions right now."

"Apparently!" I exclaim, jumping happily at my best friend. "Yeah, Kakashi is on one of those missions right now."

"Senpai?"

I chuckle, hitting Tenzo on the shoulder. "You don't need to call him Senpai, he's not your captain anymore."

Tenzo shrugs, "He'll always be Senpai to me," and we start walking again, side by side. We make small talk, updating each other on unimportant things. He tells me about the new captain of Team Ro and everything that's happened since I left. I feel a certain warmth fill me as I think about the team.

"And how are you doing?" Tenzo asks. "How is the sensei-life?"

"Better than I expected," I say, to which Tenzo raises an eyebrow and smirks. "Whatever," I roll my eyes, "it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I still miss ANBU but this life isn't too bad either."

We walk quietly for a bit, just enjoying the night air.

"And how is Kakashi-Senpai? I haven't seen him for a while."

"He's good," I say. I don't mention anything else. I'd rather not come right out and say it to him directly. Tenzo will find out about Kakashi and me in time. I also want to avoid the topic for right now while I'm trying to figure out the Raven situation.

"Good! Well, it was so good to catch up. I'm guessing you're pretty tired from training," he says, nodding to my worn out training clothing with various rips and stains. "So I'll let you get home."

Tenzo turns to go down a different street, but I stop him.

"Wait," I say, looking at him with pleading eyes. I've missed my best friend, and with everything that's going on, I could really use some Tenzo-time. "You said you have the night off. Let's go for a drink."

After a pause, Tenzo nods. "Alright then."

At the pub, we spot Yugao and Hayate and they eventually come over and join us. The four of us enjoy conversation over drinks and the streets grow quieter as the night comes on.

Before we know it, it's already nearly midnight and we're all happily walking through the streets. The cool air feels nice on my warm cheeks. It's a quiet night considering it's the weekend. We pass a few drunks who are stumbling about giddily.

Just a few months ago, that drunk was me, clinging to the cold-captain's arm for balance. Then we got to my place and...

"We're heading out," Yugao says, arm around Hayate as they head off in the same direction. Tenzo shoots me a look and I raise an eyebrow as we watch the _obvious_ couple head home together. They insist they're just friends but everyone knows that's not true. I feel happy for my ANBU friend.

"So, any women in your life?" I mutter suggestively to Tenzo. He turns red and shakes his head violently.

"No," he says very quickly, trying to hide his flushed cheeks. I smirk and shove him with my shoulder, laughing as we walk. We get to the path by the river that runs through the village and sit on a small hill, overlooking the lit-up village by night.

"Is that so?"

"Mhm," he says, trying to avoid the topic. He changes it by flipping the question on me which makes me jump a little, "Any men in _your_ life?"

I huff and cross my arms, frustrated that he's turned this around on me. I can see him smirk in my peripheral as I avoid his pointed gaze.

"How are you and _Kakashi-_ senpai getting along?"

Now I actually jump, getting to my feet and staring down at Tenzo with a gaping mouth, "H-how did you-"

"It's obvious," Tenzo remarks with a hand gesture. I feel myself turn red and fall back on my butt, staring out across the slowly moving river that reflects the soothing moonlight. "Everyone knew he liked you back in ANBU."

"W-what?"

"Have you guys not talked about this?" Tenzo asks. I shake my head, furrowing my eyebrows to show my confusion. I wait for Tenzo to explain. "He's had eyes for you since that night on the scroll-delivery mission."

The memory plays again in my head as I try to wrap my head around it. It was so long ago, the details are fuzzy. I wasn't even 18 yet. _I was pregnant with Raven's child at that point._

The memory forces its way to the front of my mind as the details come into view. The cold-hearted captain saved me from the Mist ANBU that night, set me against a tree and took the enemy down with his chidori.

_All the way back then? He's liked me since then?_

"That was the night you and I met," I say to Tenzo, remembering how we stayed up on watch on that mission together, talking through the nights while others slept. That was the mission I told Tenzo how badly I wanted to be in the ANBU. "And then you referred me after you heard how much I wanted to join ANBU," I remark nostalgically with a chuckle.

Tenzo goes silent for a few moments and his face becomes a shadow, unreadable. Finally, he speaks, "Actually, I didn't refer you."

I tilt my head, once again confused, as I stare at the brown-haired man looking out upon the moonlit water.

"Kakashi did."

A sharp intake of breath and I start putting the pieces together. Tenzo must have told Kakashi about my wish to join ANBU and requested I join and be on his team. He cared for me even then, when I showed no interest in him.

A few weeks ago on our mission in the Land of Waves, Kakashi told me, _"You have no idea how long I've waited for you."_

I really had no idea.

"All this time?" I murmur, thinking of the many years where I called him cold-blooded and detached, and never paid him any mind. Surely it hurt him to love someone who he knew might never love him back.

"He always protected you," Tenzo says, pulling at the grass. It almost sounds like there's a hint of sadness underlying his words. "On missions, he always spared a second to glance in your direction and make sure you were okay."

I feel tears welling in my eyes but push them back, taking a deep breath instead. He's been nothing but good to me, even when I was oblivious to it. For all these years, he's protected me even when I was unaware. For many years, I'd been rude to him, clinging to rumors of his cold-blood and dry personality and never gave him a chance to show me the real him.

And now, even after everything, he accepts me without any regard to the past.

 _Forgiving. Patient. Loving. Respectful. Caring._ Kakashi is everything. I don't deserve him one bit.

For a moment, I consider opening up to Tenzo about my... _situation_ with Raven... but quickly discard that idea. I know Tenzo wouldn't tell anyone but the thought of Tenzo knowing my horrible past puts a bad feeling in my stomach. Tenzo and I have a great friendship and I don't want anything to go in between that. He's the one person I can fall back on when all else fails.

Even if Kakashi and I fail, I know Tenzo will always be there.

I sigh, falling back and looking up at the stars. They're particularly bright tonight and I wonder for a moment if Kakashi is looking at them too.

"Ayame, you know you can always talk to me if something is troubling you," Tenzo says, softness and utmost kindness laced in his words. Of course he can tell something is wrong. Tenzo has always been able to read me.

"Thanks, Tenzo."

He nods, pushing himself to his feet and waving. "I'm gonna head home. I'll see you around," he says before leaving. I watch his back as he walks back towards the village.

Once he's gone, the waterworks come. I sit on the hill and cry into my knees. I don't know exactly what I'm crying about. Everything, I guess. Raven. Kakashi. My past. My future. This goddamn situation that is screwing everything up.

 _This is why I promised never to fall in love again,_ I tell myself. Nothing with love ever goes to plan. It's like windy, rocky terrain when I prefer the straight path. Predictability. Stability. One step after another, one foot in front of the other.

Sighing again, I fall into a deep sleep under the stars and dream endlessly. Raven's face. Kakashi's face. My mother, or what I imagine her to look like at least. Hiruzen. Tenzo. Yugao. Asuma. The three tiny genin. 

Life behind an ANBU mask was so much simpler.


	17. XVII ~ Curiosity Killed the Cat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! Sorry for the long wait for an update. I got a job! Unfortunately, that means slower updates so please try and be patient with me! I have no plans of abandoning this story, so don't worry. Thanks so much for your support!! Best readers ever!

**~ KAKASHI ~**

The Leaf Village comes into view and I can't help but feel a tinge of excitement. It's been almost a month since I've seen her—since she told me she'd give us a chance and kissed me passionately in the Land of Waves before being summoned back to the village on some sort of urgent matter.

I'm usually not the type to get easily distracted but today, my mind wanders while I take a hostage to Interrogation. Luckily, the hostage doesn't resist and I'm free to bask in my unusual excitement.

No one but Ayame has ever been able to distract me like this. Even Rin, whom I cared deeply for, was always second on my mind to other things. But then again, I have changed a lot since back then. 

I've been through hell and back, and Ayame has been my heaven.

It's watching her that gives me strength. Her passion and determination is unmatched. It makes me want to be a better person. Unbeknownst to her, she helped me out of a very dark place in my life.

I greet Ibiki in Interrogation and he takes the hostage from me. With a nod, I take my cue to leave. I don't want to spend more time down here than I need. It's darker and muskier than I remember it being; maybe that's just my perception, though. Back in the day, I used to bring hostages from ANBU missions down here all the time. I guess I never noticed the darkness of this place because my heart was even darker in comparison.

As I'm stepping for the door, Ibiki grunts. I turn and he looks like he wants to say something but doesn't quite know how. I raise an eyebrow, hands resting lazily in my pockets and expression probably matching. People tell me I have a permanent lazy look.

"Erm," Ibiki grumbles with eyes closed as he scratches his chin. I raise an eyebrow and he chuckles awkwardly. "Could you do me a favor?"

 _A favor?_ Why would someone like Ibiki Morino need a favor from someone like me?

"Ehh sure," I say, sighing as I walk back into the musky room, hands still resting comfortably in my pockets.

Another awkward pause—I guess asking for favors isn't Ibiki's strong-suit—and he finally asks in a low grumble, "There's a hostage I'd like you to take a look at. I've already run it by Hokage-Sama. We think your sharingan will be of use. She refuses to speak. She came in late last night," Ibiki explains with explanatory motions of his hands.

Again, I sigh and nod as I scratch the back of my head. I'd really like to just go home and take a nice, hot shower before seeing Ayame but I guess I have no choice, if it's already been discussed with Hokage-Sama.

"Right this way, Kakashi."

I follow down a dark hallway and pass many steel-enforced doors, the only windows are smaller than a human head and barred with thick iron rods. The groans of prisoners sends shivers down my spine. How did I deal with this stuff back in ANBU?

"It's been a while since you've been down here, Kakashi," Ibiki says, noticing my unease.

"Maa," I say, again scratching the back of my head because I don't know what else to do. "It's a lot darker down here than I ever remember."

"Hm," he responds as we make it to another type of prison wing. This one has full cells meant for long-term prisoners. "You grow accustomed to it after a while, you know? Same with you, you grew accustomed to your assassination missions. Killing was second nature, though I'm sure it isn't anymore, hm?"

It's like Ibiki reads my mind. It's no wonder he's head of Interrogation. I don't need to respond for him to know that I acknowledge his explanation. He hit the nail on the head and he knows it. Assassination missions are rare now as a Jonin instructor in charge of mere genin. In fact, fighting is rare on genin missions—the Land of Waves mission was an exception and rarity. More likely it was a B- or A-ranked mission. I was tremendously surprised when Hokage-Sama sent word back, allowing us to continue that mission under the circumstances.

Though, I guess having two ex-ANBU and Jonin level shinobi on one team aided the Hokage in that decision.

The thought of Ayame makes this basement seem much less dim; it fills me with wonderful thoughts and I feel myself smiling a little. I'm glad for the mask in situations like this, as Ibiki leads me to an Interrogation room. It hardly makes sense for me to be smiling like a gleeful child in this situation.

"Right in here. I'll be returning to the command room where I can watch and listen from the security cameras. You can report back to me in command after you're done."

"Hai, hai," I say, stepping into the brightly lit, white-walled room and hearing the door click shut behind me. This isn't a typical interrogation room. There are no windows or furniture of any kind. The hostage seems to be covered in bruises and is curled in a ball in the corner. The walls, floor, and ceiling are all padded.

"I won't speak, you're wasting your time," the woman says, not bothering to look up. I approach her and kneel down, lifting my headband and opening my left eye. Colors become inverted and I can easily see her chakra, though weak, swirling throughout her body. She appears to be in her mid-40s. In fact, she doesn't look like much of a threat at all.

"I'm not here to speak. I want to get out of here too, so let's make this snappy."

That is enough to intrigue the woman and she glances up for a second, eyes filling with shock when she sees my sharingan. But it's already too late, she's under my genjutsu. I don't feel like causing her any pain today, since she doesn't seem to be physically resisting, and take a calmer approach. I call it talk no jutsu. She answers my questions truthfully, dazed by my genjutsu. I don't look like myself to her, I look like some close friend of hers and her memory is morphed to believe she's simply talking with her friend.

I get enough information to report back to Ibiki. When I release the woman, I let her fall into a temporary deep sleep so that I don't have to deal with her panic upon waking. I just want to get home. I find myself wondering why someone from the Yamanaka clan wasn't summoned for something like this. They could have extracted the information much faster than I did.

Anyways, she seems completely harmless. She was found outside the village, spying. She has no valuable knowledge of the Leaf and was simply on an information gathering mission for a small village on the outskirts of the Land of Stone. I'd say she's genin or lower.

I'm sighing as I leave the padded room and heading towards the command room to disclose this information to Ibiki when I hear a tapping from one of the long-term cells. "Hey, you there!" When I turn, I'm surprised when I see a man, tapping on the thick bars to get my attention. I'm about to ignore him when he says something that catches my attention. "Please, let me speak to her. I need to speak to her."

_Is he connected to the female hostage I was just speaking to?_

I approach his cell, sharingan still showing, and narrow my eyes at the man while keeping my distance. Just out of reach of his long, skinny fingers.

"Her?" I ask.

"Yes, I need to see her! She didn't listen to me the first time. I messed up. I really need to see her," he begs, gold eyes gleaming. He doesn't seem a bit scared of my sharingan. He's completely distracted by his own thoughts. "Please, go get her for me! I can't go on without her. I'd rather die. I regret ever leaving her. I regret everything I said to make her hate me. I need her, please!" The man, who looks more like a boy, is almost in tears and I tilt my head in pure confusion. I should really walk away and leave this to Ibiki, it's not my place to get involved with prisoners anyways. I turn around and keep walking, heading towards command again.

But I stop in my tracks when he mentions her name.

"Ayame is everything to me. Please, go get her for me! I am begging you!"

For a moment, I don't turn around. It takes me a moment to process his words and put two and two together. This must be one of Ayame's ex-boyfriends. Now that I think of it, we've never discussed that sort of thing. The only thing she's ever mentioned of past relationships is that she once promised herself that she'd never fall in love again. _Is this the one she made that promise about? A prisoner?_

I return to the black haired boy and take in his features. The age checks out; he's probably my age or not far from it. His skin is pale as a ghost and eyes, despite their bright golden color, are drained of all light. There are bags under his eyes and his cheeks are sinking, making his jaw and cheekbones eerily prominent. _How long has he been down here? Who is this man, anyways?_ I'd like to say I've never seen him in the Leaf Village, yet he looks strangely familiar. It's the eyes—they're strangely unique and hold a familiar tinge.

"P-please let me see her, tell her I need to see her. Tell her I'm sorry and that I am nothing without her. Tell her I love her." He's gripping the bars so hard his knuckles are turning blue, though it's not much of a contrast from his already pale and discolored skin. His wide, golden eyes are wide and pleading. Almost manically. 

I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. "What's your name?"

"Raven Kohaku."

I know I shouldn't be talking to this prisoner. It's not my place at all. But curiosity gets the better of me, especially since this involves Ayame.

"Why have I never seen you in the village before?"

He sighs, slumping his shoulders as he grips the bars. He looks utterly exhausted. 

"I was rogue for 12 years, I went back to my clan's village at the border of the Land of Fire and they hid me. But I couldn't take it anymore. She was all I thought about and it made me crazy. I had to come back here and tell her." Nothing in his story or voice makes me believe he'd be lying. He really is just a lovesick man.

"How long were you and Ayame together?" _Now I'm really overstepping my boundaries._ This is none of my business. 

His face drops when I mention her. Subsequently, so does mine. It's strange, speaking to the man my girlfriend used to be in love with.

"We dated for a couple years, but we've been friends since childhood. She helped me when my parents died. She'd visit the KIA Stone with me every day and comfort me while I mourned. I'd be a dead man without her."

That jolt of recognition from earlier comes back full-swing as I glare into those golden eyes and finally realize where I've seen them before. I'd visit the KIA Stone between ANBU missions, to talk to Rin and Obito, and sometimes I had to leave and go directly to the graveyards to pay my respects because someone else was at the Stone. A black-haired boy. I paid him no mind and gave him his space, he was just another person mourning the dead. But Ayame was never with him when I'd visit.

He answers as if he reads my mind, "She stopped coming with me when she graduated from the Academy and joined with a genin team. Well, I stopped asking her. She got really busy with training and missions and I didn't want to distract her. She wanted to be an ANBU so bad and I wasn't about to hold her back."

I blink a few times as I take a deep breath. _I should leave. I shouldn't be listening to him. This is none of my business._ I'm sure Ayame and I will discuss it eventually, when she's ready.

"She cried when I left. She's the one who pushed me away in the first place, yet she was the one crying as I walked away from the Leaf Village. I was always the one chasing her. Since we were kids, she kept me strictly in the friend zone."

I look over my shoulder, considering the door for a moment. _I really need to leave._ But something keeps me. A curiosity much more powerful than my own common sense. I remain, feet glued to the cold, stone floor as I listen to this hurting man. It makes me hurt too, in a way. This seems a lot deeper than just an ex-boyfriend of hers. There's something more to it, I can tell as I listen to the struggle and strain in Raven's voice.

"And then, when we turned 16, she finally agreed to go out with me. I was the happiest kid on the planet, I swear. Things went south and soon enough, she stopped talking to me so I left. I couldn't take it, being here in the same village as her, seeing her every day and knowing I couldn't have her."

I barely notice my actions until I feel my fingernails pressing into my palms in the form of a hard fist. I hold it tight at my side as I look at the golden-eyed boy and can't help but feel some jealousy. The thought of another man loving the woman I'm in love with makes me jealous.

Raven is still talking, going on about how much he loves her, but I've tuned out. Eventually, I turn and walk away, ignoring his pleas from the cell behind me. The hallway door slams and I nonchalantly relay the information about the mid-40s woman to Ibiki before hastily leaving.

The air has turned cold and the moon is high in the sky. I don't even think. My feet carry me straight to Ayame's apartment. I'm already knocking firmly three times before I can even stop and think about what the hell I'm even going to say. All I want is to discuss it, I don't want to make her feel cornered or anything. I just want her to talk to me. I want her to tell me she's not still in love with this man.

The door swings open and a tired-looking girl—still beautiful as ever—comes into view in her pajamas. I realize now how late it must be and how sudden it is for me to be showing up at her door unexpected. Her expression changes when she sees me. I try to soften the hard look on my face but I know it shows, even though the mask, because she furrows her brows and frowns a bit.

"Kakashi," she says softly. Her voice is music to my ears, it's been almost a full month since I've heard it outside of my dreams.

"I-I'm sorry for showing up like this. I just want to talk."

She opens the door fully and I step into the apartment. There are still dishes in the sink and a half-eaten bowl of popcorn on the coffee table in the living area, along with throw pillows and blankets tossed on the ground and couch. The studio apartment looks well-lived in. It's clear she wasn't expecting visitors tonight.

**~ AYAME ~**

I open the door and let a troubled-looking man inside. I'm too confused and tired to worry about the state of my apartment. I know he notices it, but doesn't seem to care. He sits at the kitchen table and I turn the kettle on for some tea. When I pour the first cup, I offer it to him but he declines.

"What's the matter? You seem off..."

I try my best to keep my composure. It feels strange talking to him while Raven resides in the village. I didn't expect him to show up at my door unannounced like this. I thought I'd have more time to prepare what I'm going to say to him. So, for now, I keep silent. I will tell him, don't get me wrong, but the middle of the night when he already looks disgruntled doesn't feel like the right time.

He looks at me, searching my face and staring into my eyes with his single, grey eye. At this point, the confusion begins to set in. He's acting so strange... I've never seen Kakashi like this.

"Are you drunk?" I ask. I get closer and pull his mask down a bit to see if his cheeks are stained pink. It's the opposite, he's paler than a sheet of paper.

He fixes his mask back over his nose. "No, no. Maa, I just wanted to talk. It's been almost a month, you know." Kakashi's voice wavers in the slightest. I don't remember him ever being this awkward. I mean, he's not exactly the King of Social Situations, but he usually gets along just fine. Tonight is an exception, I guess.

I just nod, still confused by the situation. "Oh, I see. You know it's the middle of the night, right? Did you just get back from your mission?"

He nods, eyes still searching my face for _something._ I begin to feel sort of self-conscious.

"Hey, what's going on Kakashi?" My brows flinch in a furrow.

He turns the question on me, "I wanted to know if you're okay."

I put my hands up in mock-defense and laugh lightly, "Of course I'm okay. I'm just tired. Like I said, it's the _middle of the night._ You wouldn't be showing up at my door like this unless something was wrong. Come on, spill." I walk up to the pale man and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

He stops wavering and his eye grows sad, brow furrowing slightly.

"I met Raven."

For whatever reason, the first thought in my head is that _he knows._ He knows about the abortion. He knows about everything that happened between me and Raven. My body reacts almost instantly, stepping away and placing my hand awkwardly at my side.

But after a moment of internal panic, I manage to calm myself and play it cool. Maybe he doesn't know. But if he didn't know, why would he be showing up at my door like this? I cross my arms, avoiding his eye.

**~ KAKASHI ~**

She pulls her hand off my shoulder and steps back. Her expression immediately changes. Her confusion turns to sadness and she crosses her arms, putting distance between us. I try to lock eyes with her to read her but she avoids my eye.

"What did he tell you?" she mutters, voice full of emotion I cannot place. She seems as equally stirring with thoughts as I am. I can feel the tension in the air and I hate it.

The words are rough, unrefined. I force them out and try to remain calm but jealousy peeks through into my voice. "That you used to date."

She seems to sigh in relief, falling into a kitchen chair. This confuses me more and the tension continues to rise. She still avoids my eye with her own, which are filled with concern. It's like she wants to say something but can't seem to get it out.

I crack my knuckles under the table, which disturbs the silence. I can't help but crack them when I'm nervous. I can see her leg tapping rapidly on the floor. "Hey, Ayame, what's going on?"

She stands suddenly, still avoiding my eye, and pushes me to the door. I'm outside the apartment, begging her to look at me but she quickly says, "I'm really tired, Kakashi. I need to go back to bed. Let's talk about this at a better time, yeah?"

"Wait-" I try to say but the door closes in my face. I hear her footsteps as she quickly heads back to her bed. I'm left to stare blankly at the door in the cold of the night.

Then it hits me. It's like a blow to the chest, making the cold night air feel warm compared to my heart.

She's not over him.


	18. XVIII ~ Conundrum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Hello lovely readers. The following chapter contains depictions of rape. I would like to mention that I understand the severity of the topic and how sensitive it can be for some. In addressing rape in this story, I hope to bring awareness and understanding to the topic. In no way do I wish to take it lightly.
> 
> I did a lot of thinking if I should include it or not, debating if I am truly qualified to write about it. I do not wish to do an injustice by writing without personal experience. I have come to the conclusion that, though I may not have personal experience, I can still help to bring awareness.
> 
> That being said, I wanted to warn you in case you are sensitive to the topic. Please know that my inbox is open to anyone who is struggling or wishes to talk.
> 
> ~R

**~ AYAME ~**

We meet the next afternoon. It's still tense between us but we've both had time to compose ourselves. I understand why Kakashi is upset, but it still baffles me why he'd come to my door in the middle of the night just to tell me he met my ex.

We eat without saying a word. Our booth is in a secluded section of the restaurant so Kakashi is able to pull his mask down and eat too.

Finally, he talks. His voice is cold. It reminds me vaguely of the voice he used to used on ANBU missions—he's all business. I'm sure this is his way of dealing with his feelings. He doesn't seem the type to easily show emotion. Last night must have been a struggle for him.

"Why did you hesitate when I mentioned Raven? Did you really intend on keeping it from me?"

"You appeared in the middle of the night, Kakashi. I had no idea what was going on. How was I supposed to know you'd met him in the prison and Interrogation ward? I had no time to think of how to tell you. That's not the type of thing people just blurt at each other," I try to explain calmly, but a smidgen of bitterness and frustration edges in my voice. Now Kakashi is the one avoiding my eyes.

It's nearly impossible to know exactly what Kakashi is thinking. Even without the mask, he manages to maintain a monotonous expression.

"You still have feelings for him."

"Wh-what? Of course not!" I jump, nearly right out of my seat. I've lost my appetite and place my chopsticks down. "Why the hell would you think that?"

But he doesn't respond. He just stares down at his food, also unable to finish it. I hate this tension between us. To make matters worse, he doesn't know about the pregnancy and abortion and I don't want to tell him yet because I know it will just make things worse than they are already. I have to wait for the right time.

_This, right here, is why I didn't want to fall in love again._ But it's too late now. Kakashi is my everything, even when he refuses to look at me like this. We just need to get through this.

"Look at me."

He doesn't. He is skillful in avoiding my gaze.

"Look at me, damn it!" My hand slams on the table and lips form an umbrella shape as I try not to cry. "I don't love Raven. I love you, Kakashi. Why would I lie to you about that?"

When his eye meets mine, I flinch. It's a look I've never seen from him before. He's angry. It makes me feel so small. I shrink down into the booth and now I'm the one trying to avoid his gaze.

That's all this is, back and forth. Push and pull. It feels like the relationship we'd formed up until now is the rope between us, and we're both slowly ripping it apart. I fear it might break; if it does, I know my heart will too.

* * *

I sit alone on a cliff overlooking the village. My hair blows a little in the breeze, tickling the skin on my cheek. It occasionally sticks there, held in place by the tears continuing to fall silently from my eyes, and I have to pull it back, wiping my face in the process. It's pointless; I'll repeat it soon with fresh tears and stuck hair again.

Maybe I should just be honest with him and tell him about the pregnancy and abortion. I plan on telling him eventually, right? When our relationship had gone on? Honestly, I hadn't given it much thought. I'd done a really good job of blocking it out of my own memory before Raven's return.

It hurts me. More than Kakashi will ever understand, I think. So even if I tell him, there will always be that lack of understanding. He can't truly understand why I'd mourn an aborted child, when I can't even understand why I got the abortion in the first place.

Raven's voice comes clear into my mind again, _"We were too young."_

It's true. We were very young. But my mom had me young and I grew up fine. It was hard at times, but I managed to make myself into something strong because of that struggle. After everything, I'm glad my mom didn't abort me, even if she did leave after my birth.

My child would have been the age of Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura. Maybe my child would have been friends with one of them. Maybe my child would have been on a team with one of them.

Another tear falls down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. There's no reason for me to be mourning something that doesn't even exist. This just goes to show how easily my mind wanders and I manage to overthink things.

Despite my will to stop thinking about the topic, my hand still finds my empty abdomen and I hold it for just a moment—one moment where I allow myself to mourn, ignoring the pushing thoughts that I shouldn't be. In this single moment, I allow myself to feel whatever the hell my body wants to feel.

The grief overtakes me in a second and I bend over on my knees, struggling to breathe between weeps. I clench my lower lip between my teeth and taste the salty, bitter taste of blood a few seconds later. My hand still clenches my abdomen as images of the genin bickering, training, smiling, and laughing play in my mind's eye.

**~ KAKASHI ~**

I was harsh on her. I didn't mean to be. I've never been in a situation like this before.

As I walk the village, I keep my head down in hopes nobody approaches me. My hands rest in my pockets but I fumble with my fingers, unable to keep still.

I reacted the way I did _because_ I love her. If I didn't love her, it wouldn't bother me that she loves another. It's because of that deep love I have for her that I got so angry. Maybe I was more angry at myself, for not realizing it before now. I should have read the signs. She never wanted to open up to me. That fling in the Land of Waves was just that—a fling and nothing more.

I realize that Ayame must be feeling confused. He returned here after 12 years. Maybe she _had_ gotten over him and the fling we had was the start of something real. I want to be sensitive to her feelings but I just don't know how.

I sigh, realizing the conundrum I've gotten myself into. Realistically, I'd like nothing more than to let her go. I want her to be happy. I want her to love who she wants to love.

But I'm selfish and jealous, and I want her for myself. Just the thought of that black-haired man in this village sets me on edge, even if he is behind bars.

In the end, though, I want the best for her. I want her to be happy. I can't stand to see her struggling. It's hard for me to approach her in the given situation, but I need her to know I'm here for her, even if it's just as a friend and nothing more. That's how I truly feel. That's how I know that I really do love her.

**~ AYAME ~**

There's a knock on my door and I sigh as I look at the clock. _It's nearly midnight._ I'm really not in the mood for one of Kakashi's middle-of-the-night mental crises again. The breath hitches in my lungs when I open the door and it's not Kakashi standing there.

"R-Raven, what are you doing here?"

I stop talking, flabbergasted, when Raven pushes past me and welcomes himself into my apartment. He takes in the room, eyes pausing for a short moment when he spots my single bed in the corner of the room. Then they flick back to me and I scrunch my nose up, confused.

"I thought you were being kept in containment-"

He cuts me off quickly, seemingly on edge, "I told them I was in the village to visit my parents at the KIA Stone because they didn't buy it that I was here to get you back. They let me out with ANBU escorts. The escorts left me at the village gates and saw me off. But I couldn't just leave. I-I'm sorry for asking you to get an abortion. It wasn't my place. It was your choice. I shouldn't have had a say-"

"Stop," I say, frustration clear in my voice. "Stop, Raven. I won't ever look at you the same."

"Give me one more chance, Ay. Please, hear me out! I can't leave you. I can't ever forget about you. You're always on my mind. Always, since that day I left. You're everything to me. You're," he seems to lose his train of thought. I notice his eyes trail to my lips as he inhales heavily through his mouth. "I dream about you all the time," he breathes. A strange feeling forms in my gut and I take a step back, but I step into the table in the process. My hands find the wooden surface behind me and I steady myself. "What we had was real," he says, getting closer with small, slow steps and heavy breaths.

"Yes," I admit, turning my head because I can smell his breath now. "But I ended it a long time ago. Raven, I don't feel that way about you anymore..."

He's really starting to creep me out now. He's so close I can smell him. He smells like the musky basement of the interrogation and prison ward that he's spent the last many weeks in.

"I think you should go," I say, planting my palms on his chest and pushing him away. His eyes don't leave my lips and I hustle him to the door, eager to close and lock it.

He's about a foot taller than me. I could probably take him out right now. Perform some tactic learned in ANBU and get him in a hold on the ground. I don't opt for that option immediately, trying to get him out of my apartment first before trying anything drastic.

"Ay," he whispers, barely audible. "One chance." His golden eyes are pleading, I can tell he's on his last straw.

"No, Raven. We're done for good. We were done 12 years ago."

I'm about to close the door when something in his eyes changes. He goes cold. The look suits his sunken, pale face very well. I'm eagerly pushing the door shut, getting ready to lock it when suddenly I'm pushed back forcefully. The door swings open with a crash and bounces back, closing behind him. He's undergone a complete change. I barely recognize the man standing before me by the strained, strange look in his eyes. I make my way to the kitchen drawer for a knife, since my kunai and knuckle blades are in my pouch behind the door, but he's quicker.

I feel the force of him pushing me back against the wall and he pins my hands above my head. I yank them, trying to get free, but he's a lot stronger than he looks. Even with my ANBU training, this man is stronger than me.

So I use my foot and kick him hard in the knee, which gives me enough time to get free of his grasp and rush to my pouch. I fumble for a kunai and cut myself on its sharp blade in the process.

I don't have time to be bothered by the pain. He's really, truly angry and there's a look of desperation in his eyes. I avoid him now, not quite allowing him to grab hold of me, and I make a swing for his shoulder when I see an opening. We're knocking things over. I hear a vase fall off the mantle behind me in the living area as I swing backwards and avoid his attempt to grab me.

Though he's not using any jutsu on me, I can tell that he has been training. His taijutsu skills and strength have improved tenfold since I last fought with him when we were kids. I wouldn't hesitate to say he's got the taijutsu skills of an ANBU, or maybe even higher. If he had weapons and was actually trying to kill me, he might just have the upper hand.

It's this overthinking that caused me to slip. I curse when I trip over the coffee table and fall hard onto my back.I get up quickly but wince when I feel a sharp pain in the back of my arm. I didn't see the injection and assumed he was simply trying to grab me, so I didn't think to evade it. I can feel my muscles instantly grow weaker. I fall but he catches me.

"Rav-Raven," I say weakly, my eyelids dropping a little as the room starts to spin.

"Don't struggle anymore, it's okay my dear. I've got you," I don't have the energy to speak back. Whatever drug was in that injection has taken immediate effect and has made me extremely weak. I can barely move even my fingers. My limbs all feel like heavy weights chained to my body.

I'm only vaguely aware. I'm lifted and placed onto my bed. I start to cry as I realize what is happening but the drug makes it hard for me to talk. I feel like I don't even have the energy to open my jaw. He starts at my neck with his lips and teeth as his hands run freely over my weak body.

"S-stop- it," I barely manage through a mouth that doesn't want to open. "Stop-"

But he doesn't stop. The clothes covering my bottom half are off and thrown to the floor, and I can't do anything about it. I can't move. I can barely even talk. The drug is strong. I can only feel the tears as they stream down my cheeks and his hands as they claim my body against my will.

He takes me completely, finishing quickly and leaving me paralyzed on the bed.

With one last glance at my limp body, he leaves the apartment without a single word and the door slams shut behind him.

**~ THIRD PERSON ~**

After an unknown amount of time—Ayame is unable to conceptualize time in this state—feeling starts to return to her body, starting with her fingers and growing slowly up her limbs. When she can finally just barely move, she pushes herself up into a sitting position and pulls her bare and bruised legs into her chest.

She is in a state of complete shock. No thoughts run through her head clearly, instead it's a jumbled mess of nothing and everything all at once. It's deafening and she barely hears the door when it's knocked on.

They knock again. She's vaguely aware of a familiar voice from outside the door.

"Ayame, please let me in. I want to apologize to you." Ayame hears the voice but can't bring herself to move. "I'm sorry, I know it's the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep. I've spent the whole day thinking about how I acted. It was unfair of me to treat you like that."

She pulls her legs closer to her chest, shivering in the cold. She grabs a blanket and pulls it over her legs, hiding her exposure.

"Look, I get it. You still had feelings for him. It's not my place to decide how you feel."

He knocks again before clattering with the lock. Using his lock-picking skills, he manages to get the door open and steps inside. He's about to speak again when he spots her, curled up on the bed, head in her knees.

"Ayame..." he mutters, voice full of emotion. "What's wrong?" He hates seeing her in this state. He approaches her slowly, unsure how to go about this. They've been fighting, so he's not sure if she really wants him here right now.

She notices the pants and underwear which lie in a ball in the corner of the room. She wonders if he's noticed. He doesn't look over there, surely if he did he would have said something. She can't talk. She can only cry. This is when Kakashi notices her pink-stained cheeks. _She's been crying_ , he thinks.

"Talk to me," he says softly, sitting on the edge of the bed. Ayame doesn't move. She sits still, her arms wrapped tightly around her legs under the blanket.

Kakashi decides to give her some time to collect herself. He wonders how long she's been crying for. Now he really feels like an idiot. _This is all my fault_ , he thinks. _I_ _shouldn't have gotten angry at her._

Somehow, by some strange miracle or phenomenon, Ayame finds her voice. Or her voice finds her. The worlds flow out as if it were a track and she simply hit play, "I got an abortion. When I was 17. It was Raven's. He told me we were too young and I believed him so I got an abortion and forgot about it. I thought I would just move on with my life. And I did. He left too, so I managed to focus on ANBU and push it all out of my memory.

"Then he returned. That was why Hiruzen summoned me. Raven was asking for me and refused to talk to anyone else. He confessed that he'd loved me all this time... He came to my apartment tonight," at this, Kakashi flinches. Ayame stares forward, at the pants on the ground, but Kakashi still hasn't noticed. "He asked me for another chance. I told him I don't feel that way about him. That I'll never feel that way about him again." She struggles to suppress her sniffles as tears fall freely from her brown eyes. She doesn't mention what Raven did to her and Kakashi doesn't notice the pants on the floor. "I just want it all to be over."

Some relief washes over her, though she can barely feel relieved in the current situation. Nevertheless, it felt good to get some of it off her chest. She catches one glance of Kakashi's eye, hoping he doesn't react poorly. She really did just throw everything at him. _So much for telling him when the time was right,_ she thinks. _The current timing is about the worst it could be._

Kakashi is angry at himself for ever assuming Ayame would be disloyal to him but has no time to think about that right now. All he sees is the pain in her eyes and he wants to comfort her and help her through it. He'll save the apologies for later.

He scoots closer to her, wrapping her in strong arms and letting her head fall against his chest. Perhaps this is the best apology he can give her at the moment.

"Where is he now?" Kakashi mutters after a while.

"He's gone," she whispers. Her voice is muffled into Kakashi's chest. He can feel the fabric of his shirt getting wet with tears and snot. He doesn't care. He wants to hold her tight forever, tell her everything will be okay.

"Then it's over... isn't it?"

Ayame's hand travels to her abdomen as she remembers the child she aborted 12 years ago, and how it will haunt her as long as she lives. Kakashi continues to hold her tight, running his fingers through her scalp and down to the ends of her soft, brown locks.

"No," she answers. "No, it won't ever be over."


	19. XIX ~ The Time is Never Right

**~ AYAME ~**

It's been nearly eight weeks since that night. I think about it all the time. His face appears in my mind and all I can do is collapse. Kakashi doesn't understand why I do this, but he doesn't ask. He just holds me as I claw my own head, groaning while I try to push the black-haired boy out of my thoughts.

I sit in his arms on the couch. His strong grasp is like a weight to keep me grounded. When I feel another fit coming on, I run to the shower. It's the only thing that dulls my raging mind. While I kneel on the ground, holding my head, Kakashi turns the water so it's warm but not too hot and leaves me alone in the bathroom.

I know that he sits on the floor outside the door. He wants to be close to me, to make sure I am okay. If it were any other time, I would be grateful. But my mind doesn't allow me to feel anything but utterly _sick._ I turn the water to its hottest because the burning sensation distracts me from vile thoughts.

I step into the shower fully clothed, completely forgetting to strip down first. It doesn't matter, I just need to feel the burn. I need to burn the thoughts away before they overtake me completely, to the point I can't bear it anymore.

Through gritted teeth, I focus on the pain from the blazing hot water as it hits the skin on the back of my neck like a rain of fire.

_Fire, like the the color of his eyes._

It's the single thought that slips through that is enough to make me collapse onto the shower floor. There's a loud _thud_ as my knees hit the ground and Kakashi shouts from outside the bathroom door, "Oy! Is everything okay? Aya, you alright??"

I end up vomiting and watch as it mixes with the water and escapes down the drain. That's the fifth time this week. This is also the fifth fit this week. After a while, the water starts to turn cold so I shut it off and climb out of the shower. My clothes are dripping, leaving puddles on the floor. When I unlock the door, Kakashi is there waiting, eyes wide and filled with the familiar concerned err that they seem to constantly hold nowadays.

He spots me in my soaking wet clothes and his expression drops.

"Aya..."

"There's no hot water left," I mumble as I leave the bathroom. He steps aside and watches helplessly as I trail water all over my apartment.

"You should change out of those wet clothes," he says, coming up behind and placing a hand on my shoulder. I don't react and keep walking. Eventually, I find my way through the mess that is my apartment and fall onto my bed, not bothering with my clothes. They are the least of my worries.

Kakashi keeps talking but his words sound muffled and confusing. All I can do is stare up at the ceiling and _exist._

There's a knock on the door. I muster up enough energy to turn my head and watch everything unfold. It's nothing new, I've seen this all before. Asuma comes in, Kakashi and him mumble some things and shoot me concerned looks, Kakashi leaves and Asuma sits on the wooden chair they've placed beside my bed.

Asuma used to talk to me but I think he gave up a couple of weeks ago. Now, he just watches with sad, tired eyes.

At some point, he gets up and starts cleaning my apartment. He picks the pillows and blankets up off the floor and folds them nicely on the couch. He takes all the dishes that are scattered about—most half- or not-eaten—and takes care of them in the kitchen. He asks if I am hungry but it's rhetorical because he makes me some soup anyways. He spoon-feeds me and I throw it up 30 minutes later.

It's all routine.

Midnight approaches and he makes a bed for himself on the couch, falling asleep only after he makes sure I am asleep.

When I wake in the morning, I hear voices on the other side of the apartment. Without opening my eyes, I listen.

"I think it's time to take her in," Asuma says in a whisper, so as not to wake me. "She's not improving one bit. This is different than the time she found out about her father."

The second voice is Kakashi. I would recognize it from a mile away. It's a voice I can never forget, a smooth, low grumble, "I wish it didn't have to come to that."

"I know. But if we don't get her checked out, she might keep spiraling. She's so distressed that she's throwing up, Kakashi."

I hear Kakashi sigh heavily as he walks across the kitchen, slumping into a chair at the table and probably putting his face in his hands as his next words are muffled, "The genin are asking about her more and more. I can't keep lying to them. Maybe it is time to admit her."

Another chair slides and Asuma sits down, across from Kakashi. "I hate the thought of it as much as you, Kakashi, but I agree," he mutters in that low, smoker's rasp of his.

Kakashi sighs again, and there's sadness hinting in his voice, "I just don't want to lose her. I know she's not crazy, she doesn't need to be locked up in a psych ward. She needs-" he pauses for a moment, as if contemplating his next words. "She needs time to heal her heart."

"You really think that's what this is about? I was under the impression she didn't love him anymore."

There's a pause, then Kakashi answers in a low voice, almost a whisper but not quite, "Yes, she did say she wasn't in love with him anymore. But I think it's more complicated than that. She's still mourning her abortion from 12 years ago, you know."

"Abortion?" Asuma asks, voice filled with complete and utter shock, as well as confusion. I feel myself jolt a little and my eyes shoot wide open.

"Didn't she tell you-"

I sit up suddenly and manage to halt their conversation. Both men turn their heads and stare at me from the kitchen table with wide, curious eyes.

"I want to go," I say, which earns confused looks from both of them. Honestly, I would have said anything to stop their ensuing conversation. Why the hell did I say ' _I want to go_ '? What in the hell was I thinking? Kakashi gets up and makes his way over while Asuma remains at the table. He takes a tentative seat on the wooden chair beside my bed. I repeat myself, "I want to go."

"Go where?" Kakashi mutters, voice slightly eager. He finally settles into the chair. I haven't spoken to either of them in weeks. My voice is hoarse and dry, words feel strange on my tongue after so long.

"I want to go see a doctor. I want to-" I pause, jaw hanging open as I look down at my skinny fingers which I am fiddling relentlessly with, without even noticing. "-know what's wrong, why I feel like this. Why I can't keep food down. Why I'm exhausted and weak. Why I can't get out of this... _hole._ "

My eyes meet Kakashi's and I see the familiar sadness. But, I also see a glimmer of hope. I know what he's thinking. The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one. I've always known nothing is right these last eight weeks, but I've never once admitted it out loud. 

"Okay," he says, grabbing my hand and wrapping his warm ones tightly around it, like he never wants to let go. I want to cry. I want to hug him and tell him how much I love him. I want to kiss him passionately and apologize for everything I've made him go through these last few months.

But I can't.

It's like there's a mental barrier, stopping me from expressing my true feelings. It's like the truth of what happened on that night, eight weeks ago, is what is causing that mental barrier.

But if I tell him, he might never look at me the same. And if I don't, he might assume something worse. There is no right answer. There is no way out of this.

A single tear escapes from the corner of my eye but it doesn't make it far down my cheek before a gentle finger wipes it away. My lips clench as I try to hold back more tears. Looking into his deep, grey eye makes it worse. Seeing him look at me that way makes me feel all sorts of things that I know I can't express.

* * *

I go to my doctor's appointment. They perform a bunch of basic tests, of which the results will come in later, before prescribing me with some antidepressants and sending me on my way. Asuma and Kakashi are both in the waiting room for me when I come out.

They seem relieved when there is no doctor escort, meaning my psyche was cleared. It's a bit easier to talk now but I still feel strange and distanced from everyone—a certain type of hopelessness. Like a tunnel with no light in the foreseeable future. It's like I am drowning, imprisoned in my own numb mind. There's no light, no way out. Only a small window with which I can see Kakashi and Asuma through. Their faces are both the same, staring down on me with sympathetic pity as I hold up the prescription bag.

"I have a mission with my team," Asuma says, pulling me into a long hug. He holds my head in his hands and my cheek squishes against his green Jonin vest. "But you and I both know Kakashi will take good care of you until I get back."

When he lets go, he exchanges a look with Kakashi who returns it with a curt nod. Then Asuma leaves and Kakashi guides me out. The streets are buzzing with people but I can hardly pay attention to anything other than the tugging feeling in my mind and gut. Every part of me urges to spit it all out, tell him everything, but another more dominant part forces me to hold it all back.

All of these feelings are laced with the same regret I've been unknowingly carrying with me these last 12 years. As we get closer to the apartment building, I feel a different tug. It's a warmer one, something I haven't felt in a long time. So I follow it, allowing it to take me wherever it needs to take me.

Kakashi doesn't question me, just lets me go where I please. I am outside for the first time in eight weeks, after all. He's probably over the moon about this. If not for his next realization, he'd say _'Progress, Aya',_ and wrap me in a side hug. 

We get away from the busy streets and head over the river towards the graveyards. I know he doesn't expect this because there is no word of gentle encouragement and no side hug.

"Hey, where are you-" but he stops, furrowing an eyebrow and glancing at me sidelong as I enter the long yard. Hundreds of graves, row upon row, all stretch in perfectly straight columns across the grass. A graveyard him and I know all too well. Many of our friends are buried here. His family is buried here. His mother, father, closest comrades, and his sensei, the Fourth Hokage and his wife. 

Yes, this graveyard is where Kakashi spends a lot of his time. But I don't, which is why Kakashi is confused. I've come here before, to honor the fallen Hokage, but never for my ANBU friends, and they are the only friends I've had that I've lost. And unfortunately, their bodies were never buried. ANBU are ordered to destroy each other's or their own body if possible, to protect the secrets of Konoha. It's tragic and horrible but that's why we have the KIA Stone. That's where I go when I want to honor the dead.

But not today. Today is different.

There's an area of the graveyard, in the bottom left corner beside the fence, where people have placed unofficial graves. They're sloppy looking compared to the perfect slabs that fill the rest of the yard. I walk over and pick up a rock just large enough from near a tree. Once I find the right place, I ask Kakashi for a kunai.

He's really, truly confused, but upon seeing that I desperately mean it, he reaches into his pouch and hands one to me. It feels cold and heavy in my hand. _How long has it been since I've held a weapon like this?_

Bit my bit, I scratch a date into the stone. Kakashi kneels down beside me as I carve the day and month into the smooth, grey rock, creating coarse and rigid lines. His confusion turns to realization when I carve the year—just over 12 years ago.

It dons on him and his expression flips completely, going from pure confusion to half-way to realization. He turns to look at me but I continue to stare at the stone, brows furrowed, in concentration.

"Aya..."

I stand up and walk slowly into the trees, grabbing some wild-flowers and bringing them back to the rock. After placing them at the base of the stone, I take a step back. I take a moment of silence as I stare at the unofficial grave of my unborn child that would have been almost 13 years old now. My hand finds my abdomen and I leave it there for a while.

He speaks quietly, breaking the silence with delicacy. "You will be okay, you know."

More silence stretches between us as I kneel before the grave. The word takes a while to find my lips, and when it does, it's strained and forced out with a slight stutter as tears well up again, "How?"

Kakashi, kneeling beside me, lets his head fall as he closes his eyes. I look at him with pleading eyes, hoping for an answer to fix all but knowing that is impossible. Hopes are just hopes, after all. I notice the sun beginning to set on the horizon behind us.

 _That's right,_ _Hope is like a sunset,_ I'm reminded. _Beautiful and brilliant, majestic and colorful, captivating and enticing. But it all fades to black, like the deceiving thing it is._

He speaks quietly with his head low. I can hear the hurt in his voice, "I carry regret too. I let both my comrades die. One died saving me and made me promise to protect the other. Then the other died by my own hand. Every day, I wash my hands and scrub so hard my skin burns, but the feeling never washes away. I'll carry that regret until the day I die." I observe him as he pulls the gloves off his hands. The ones he almost always wears, even inside. I never thought anything of it until now. I just assumed it was second nature to him, wearing those finger-less gloves with a metal deflector shield on the top. Similar to the ones we had to wear in ANBU. As he carefully pulls both gloves off, my eyes go wide, however much I try to hide it. 

Both hands are covered with sore, red, blistering rashes. Rashes resembling friction-burn. Rashes, I realize, from washing and scrubbing his hands with such force and frequency.

He goes quiet for a moment and I can hear my own breath, slow and steady through slightly parted lips as I look at him intently, trying to reach his eyes. He looks up and meets my eyes and it's like his hurt is shared with me too. Just by looking into his eye and seeing the pain and struggle, I start to feel some of it too. It feels so similar to the hurt I feel when my hand is over my abdomen or when I look at the homemade grave in front of us.

"Rin was like Sakura," he continues. With each and every word, I feel myself delving deeper into Kakashi's hurt and in a strange way it comforts me. Not the hurt itself, but the knowing. Knowing we both feel the same way. Knowing I am not alone in this world of regret and confusion and hurt.

Knowing that there's someone who understands. 

"She was always in the crossfire between Obito and I, and all she wanted was for us all to get along. Obito, he was like Naruto. A total idiot with a big ego, and he was always showing off. But he had determination unlike any other. And I was like Sasuke, cold and reserved and not caring about my other teammates. After Obito died, I regretted everything. It changed me and I promised I would protect Rin. But I couldn't protect her, and she ended up dying to my own hand. My own wretched jutsu; my chidori. I broke my promise to Obito and lost another important person in my life at the same time. But I'm still here, still living. What I'm trying to say is that we all do things we regret, but we get through them. Somehow, we get through it and we need to keep going, even when it hurts."

I don't know how to respond. I feel like I should be comforting him, telling him it's alright, but there's a part of me that feels like I would be telling him another lie. So I answer him with as much truth I can muster.

"I can never forgive myself."

"Me neither," Kakashi admits, and I take in a breath. "I still hurt. Every day is a struggle, and not a day goes by that I don't think about every person I have lost. But I move on anyways, and I keep on moving." He looks at me with a lone, pleading eye, taking my face in his hand. "You need to keep moving."

"I can't."

"You can," he answers back, stronger this time.

"No, I can't!" I exclaim, removing his hand from my cheek and turning my head away. But my attempts to distance myself from him fail miserably as he shuffles forward and pulls me into his chest, resting his chin atop my head. I feel myself sob. I wonder what's going on in his mind right now. Still, despite all the fog and lies, all the things I'm keeping from him, he still cares for me. I am at my worst and still, he holds me and begs me to come back to him.

Even after weeks in this dark hole I've dug myself into, he still stands at the top and offers his hand. _No, that's not quite right..._ He has climbed into the hole with me. He is what's holding me together. Without him, I know I would break completely.

So, despite not knowing anything and probably assuming many things about Raven and I, he still holds me in his arms and says, "Yes, _we_ can. I'm with you, no matter what. Every step of the way. _We_ can do this." My sobs taper off and he continues to hold me tightly. Fleetingly, I hope for a moment that he will never let go. Light from the sunset is almost completely gone and the stars are starting to become visible in the darkening sky.

In this fragile moment in his arms, I speak into his chest the words that I know will change everything.

"Kakashi."

He muzzles his face in my hair as he speaks, "Yes, my love?"

The sun disappears over the horizon, casting a dark shadow over us.

"I'm pregnant."


	20. XX ~ How It Looks

**~ KAKASHI ~**

I feel like I've finally gotten through to her in over two months, but it's like I'm holding water in the palm of my hands and it just keeps slipping through my fingers. I don't want her to slip away. If she does, I feel I might just die. She holds me together, though she may not realize, and I would be nothing without her.

As I carry the tired, hurting girl back to her apartment, I sort through my thoughts.

I know that it's not my child. Never once did Aya and I sleep together, in that sense. Not even close. The only explanation that makes even a bit of sense is one that makes me want to curse and punch through a wall, but I know I need to remain calm.

I carry her home and get her to bed and she falls asleep quickly. After ensuring she's well asleep, I leave and head quickly to my own apartment. When I slide the key into the lock, I find myself fumbling. My mind is going everywhere at once and I feel like I might implode.

It has to be _his._ There is no other explanation.

And suddenly, dishearteningly, it all makes sense. The distance. The secrecy. The resistance to get close to me these last couple of months.

_"I can never forgive myself,"_ she'd told me. Did it have a double meaning? At first, I'd assumed she was just talking about the abortion.

At long last, the door clicks open and I step inside.

I should have known. The signs were all there. She always acted strange whenever I brought up Raven, and always tried to change the topic of the conversation. And she got defensive when I asked if she still loved him.

After grabbing some water and a nutrition bar, I decide to take a walk to try and clear my head. I can't think straight in this crammed apartment.

The streets are quiet and I can hear owls in the distance, _hoo-ing_ their night songs. On any other night, I'd be appreciative of this tiny detail. But tonight, I can't seem to find any peace. My mind is going haywire.

What the hell is a man supposed to do in this situation? The woman I love is pregnant with the child of her ex, whom she was in love with once again and slept with behind my back.

I can't keep the sigh from escaping my lips as I run a shaking hand through my thick mop of hair and stare up into the star-speckled sky. Even all these years later, my first instinct is to talk to my father or Minato-Sensei, but neither of them is around anymore and I don't have anyone else I can talk to about this sort of thing.

So, I continue to walk as I try and sort through my thoughts and feelings.

One thing that is prominent above the rest is that I love her, however much it may hurt right now. It hurts to love someone who slept with someone else, yes. But it hurts more thinking that I might lose her.

Does she love me too? Is she hurting because she knows what she's done? How will I ever know if she really does love me back?

A totally bizarre thought pops into my head and I shake it away, scoffing at myself for even thinking of it as an option. This would literally be the worst possible time for something like that. It's just ridiculous.

Well, ridiculous but strangely makes sense. Doing it would settle things between us and prove whether she really does love me or not. Then, maybe we can both be free of this mental burden.

Yes. I'll ask her to marry me.

_Baka,_ I tell myself, shaking my head out. _What the hell are you thinking?_

_However..._

Whatever answer she gives will reveal the true state of her heart. If she says yes, I will know for sure that she loves me and I can forgive her for messing up. We all mess up, and I won't let this ruin what we had. If she says no, I can move on knowing the truth and she can move on too, and live how she wants. I won't stop her from being with Raven if that's what she truly wants. I want her to be happy, even if it means heartbreak for me. I can't afford to be selfish right now, not when Ayame's well-being is in the question.

I'm so caught up in my thoughts that I don't even notice the tightly-dressed green man as I walk past him. He watches me as I pass and eventually gets fed-up and leaps in front of me. It shocks me a little when he appears so suddenly in front of me and I sigh when I realize who it is.

"Gai," I mutter, taking a step back because he's _way_ too close for comfort.

"KaKAShhiii!" he exclaims, doing some twirls and ending with a large thumbs up. "How are you on this fine, youthful evening?" I wince when he does one of his glaringly white toothy smiles.

"Uh," I grumble, "Fine, I guess... What are you-"

"THERE IS NO TIME FOR YOUTH LIKE THE PRESENT, KAKASHI! You were going to ask what I am doing out so late at night, huh? Well, listen closely, because Might Gai is about to tell you something that will leave you _amazed!"_

I grimace when he hits me on the shoulder, almost toppling me over, before he gets into some kind of fighting stance. I'm grateful there is nobody else around because the scene that's unraveling is hardly usual and would most definitely draw attention. And public attention is just about my least favorite thing.

While showing off some of his taijutsu moves, he lectures about the 'springtime of youth' and how there is no better time than the present. Then he says things like, "There's nothing like pushing your body to the absolute limits!" and, "The body _thrives_ under pressure and exhaustion, I tell you! It's like a kind of superpower!"

After he concludes his little performance, I throw my hands up in mock-defense and laugh awkwardly, "You went through all that to tell me you're pulling an all-nighter...?" I say blandly.

Gai nods curtly and winks, "Of course, Kakashi, because the-"

"-springtime of youth is here," I finish his sentence for him. "Yes, I understand."

_Gai really is quite the guy._ If he were a little more normal, I might consider asking him for advice about Ayame but I'm almost positive his advise would be over-the-top like everything else he does.

"Tell me," he muddles as he swings his arm over my shoulders. I grimace a little under the sudden weight. "What is on your mind, my friend?"

Sighing, I pull him off of me. "Is it really that obvious?"

My bushy-browed friend turns serious for a change and speaks like a regular human being for once, "We've been rivals for many years, Kakashi. I can tell when something's off."

"Maa, I guess I'll have to work more on my poker face then, huh?"

Gai grins before shoving me lightly on the shoulder. "I'm here if you need me."

"Thanks, Gai." I say, truly glad for a friend like him. "Good seeing you, Gai, but I have to get going."

"Rrrriiiiigghttt!" he says, jumping into a hand-stand and walking on his hands in the opposite direction. I let my face fall into my palm as I continue to walk, sighing in relief when Gai is finally out of sight and I can return to my thoughts.

* * *

"You're planning to do what?" The Hokage gapes, glaring at me like I have two heads. "You two have been together for how long? This is the first I'm even hearing that you and Ayame are involved, let alone that you want to _marry her."_

I laugh awkwardly with a closed eye smile and a hand behind my head as I stand before the Third Hokage. He is her uncle and practically like her father, so I figured I should ask his permission first. I guess I should have expected a reaction like this, considering the circumstances.

"Kakashi, you know how much I respect you. I would be pleased for you to marry my niece," he pauses, taking a puff of his pipe with furrowed eyebrows. "But is now really the right time? She's still in recovery from her depression."

_That's right,_ I think for a moment. _Hiruzen does not know about Ayame and Raven, or her pregnancy._ He only thinks she is experiencing another low, like the one she experienced when she first found out about her father.

I guess even Asuma doesn't know about it. Ayame has asked me to keep it quiet for a while, which is understandable. She doesn't need the added stress of her family obligations right now. Asuma has also agreed to keep the whole 'pregnant at 17 and abortion' thing from Hiruzen, on the promise that Ayame would tell him herself when the time is right.

The family relationships between these three are anything but simple.

I look back up at the Hokage who sits back in his chair and enjoys his pipe before I make my statement. "I love her," I say. "I know it's an odd time to ask her to marry me but I really believe I need to do this."

"Hm," Hiruzen grunts, setting his pipe down and allowing the smell of smoke to fill the room. "I guess you really mean that. It's not very often I hear _you_ talking like that, Kakashi."

I watch him as he closes his eyes in thought for a few more moments. It feels like forever before he finally answers me. It's the longest, most dreadful few seconds I've ever experienced; well, next to the times I watched my comrades die, that is. But this is a different kind of dread. A nervous, anxious kind of excitement mixed with a tinge of dread. A recipe for fear. What would I do if he said no? Would I still ask her because she's old enough to make her own decisions and doesn't get along with her Uncle anyways? Or would I give it up and walk away. That would ruin her, I know. And I can't do that. I won't. 

"Alright," he finally agrees. "Welcome to the family."

After letting go of an anxious breath I wasn't aware I was holding, I smirk. "She hasn't said yes yet, Hokage-Sama."

Hiruzen starts laughing which turns into a coughing fit. Through coughs, he exclaims, "I guess you're right! Good luck to you, son."

Those words fill me with a kind of warmth I haven't felt since... the last time anyone called me son. That would have been my father when he was still alive. A small smile finds its way onto my lips as I bow once more before leaving the Hokage's office.

I make my way through the hallways of the tower, greeting everyone I pass with a smile. I can barely contain myself. I just hope she says yes.

For a few minutes, I forget about all the shit going on and only good thoughts flow through my head. Her smile. Her determination. Her passion. Her beauty.

She could be my _wife._ Mrs. Kakashi Hatake. That thought excites me more than anyone will ever know.

**~ AYAME ~**

Kakashi has asked me to go for a walk with him, which is strange for him, but I agree to it. Since I told him about the pregnancy, things have been a bit better between us. Though, I am quite surprised and also suspicious that he hasn't asked to talk about it more.

You'd think your boyfriend would have _something_ to say after finding out you're pregnant with another man's baby. I wonder what he's thinking. He has to assume I slept with Raven; I can't see why he would automatically assume I was raped. Besides, if he did consider the latter, I'm sure he would have talked to me about it.

To me, his silence signifies that he thinks I chose to sleep with Raven, which is why I am suspicious of his kindness. Just what the hell is going on inside that masked man's head?

I'd like to tell him I was raped but I'm afraid. Every time I even _consider telling him,_ a terrible sick feeling wells up inside of me. Maybe it's just pregnancy hormones. I can't tell the difference between all the different kinds of sick I've been feeling lately.

I need to tell him when we can sit down and I can break the news slowly to him. I almost wonder if it would break his heart more, finding out I was raped, than just letting him believe I cheated on him.

What a predicament.

I sigh as I pull my shoes on and step out of my apartment and into the fresh, afternoon air.

I meet up with him and neither of us really says much at first. We just walk, enjoying the fresh air and afternoon breeze. Fall is coming, by the changing color of the trees and cool breezes at this hour of the day. I feel a shiver when we walk by the stream in the shade and Kakashi gives me his long coat.

"Thanks," I mutter, wrapping the thin, black fabric tightly around my shoulders. He smiles before looking back at the path ahead of us. "Hey, Kakashi?"

He looks down at me strangely, "Hm?" He's left his shinobi headband at home and his white hair flops down over his eyes, the scarred one of which is held closed, as usual. He wears a simple black undershirt with long sleeves and his cargo pants are wrapped in their usual bandages and holsters.

"What are we doing?"

There's a pause and another breeze comes by. I pull the cloak tighter, wrapping my arms around myself.

"We're doing our best," he replies in a world of thought. 

I furrow my eyebrows as this rather philosophical reply, but keep looking forward as we take slow steps along the river's edge. Maybe this is his way of dealing with the tension.

"Remember that time I pushed you in the lake?" Kakashi states, voice quiet and filled with nostalgia.

"Yeah, I do."

"We were happy," he mutters.

"Yeah, we were."

There's another pause before he stops. We're on the bridge that crosses the river. Kakashi looks around, seeing that there's nobody else nearby, before turning to me and pulling his mask down. For a moment, I think he might be trying to kiss me but he surprises me by lowering himself to the ground, kneeling before me.

"Kakashi, what are you-"

"I love you, Aya," he says softly, cutting me off. As the realization strikes me, I feel my breaths getting heavier. The tears threaten to fall from my eyes. I can't tell if I am happy or sad; maybe a bit of both.

It's difficult to sort out exactly how I'm feeling. Happy that he wants to marry me. Happy that he loves me. Sad that he doesn't know the whole truth. Sad that the 'truth' he thinks he knows is probably hurting him more than anything. All of the above.

He takes my hand, which has fallen limp at my side, and wraps it with both of his as he looks up at me. I've never seen his face, without the mask, while he's showing emotion like this. Most of the time, mask or not, he remains monotonous. Whenever he slips and lets his emotions show, he's always sure to do it with the mask on or distance himself from people.

But right now, he doesn't try to hide. He kneels on the floor of the bridge in front of me, completely open and completely vulnerable, "I know this is really sudden, but it doesn't feel like that to me. I've loved you for years. I want to marry you, Ayame Sarutobi."

There's a pause between us before I pull my hand back. His face drops and fills with dread as I whisper, "I can't marry you."

His eyes don't leave mine but I know he must be in a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions right now. Strangely enough, my mind feels rather blank. My hand finds my abdomen, which is just barely starting to show.

"Why would you want to marry someone like me?" _I'm carrying a child that isn't yours,_ I think to myself.

He knows it. I can see it on his face. I can tell he's been thinking about it for a long time, but perhaps still doesn't quite know how to feel about it. I sigh, sort of frustrated that he's not talking to me about it. He still thinks I cheated on him, and now he's asking me to marry him. Just what is Kakashi thinking?

"Because I love you," he answers, almost desperately, also answering my unspoken thoughts, eyes gleaming with sudden confidence as if the whirlpool of thoughts behind his eyes have settled; as if he's come to terms. "And because I want to spend the rest of my life with you, no matter what."

I can feel the tears now as they drop down my face slowly, one by one. Each tear filled with pain as I hold back. I want to tell him so bad. _No, I need to tell him, before this gets more out of hand._

But how does one tell the person they love that they were raped? It's still painful for me to think about, let alone voice to the one asking me to marry him.

I know it will hurt him _so_ much. And I don't want to put that on him. Maybe it _is_ better off allowing him to think I cheated.

This moment is everything I've ever dreamed about. The perfect man, the perfect location, the perfect words. Everything about him is perfect. _And I'm not. I'm the embodiment of broken and imperfect._ He still doesn't know. I need to tell him, but I'm _so_ afraid of losing him. Afraid of hurting him.

He continues to speak as my mind continues to whirl, "I want to be there for you every step of the way, no matter what happens." His hand takes a hold of both of mine now as he rises from his knee to be face-to-face. He's taller than me, so he dips his head down to be closer. Closer so that he can look me in the eye, show me how much he means this. 

His eyes are the perfect, soft shade of grey and his hair a stark contrast, yet in a strange way, they compliment each other. His skin is soft, I can tell even just by looking at it. And his soft, small lips are pressed firmly, as he awaits my response. I want to kiss him so badly.

He is perfect.

I want to say yes, in this perfect moment. But this isn't a movie. This is real, and so is the unborn child inside of me that shares the DNA of another man. The words escape my lips quietly as I look down and to the side, unable to say them to his face, "Even after finding out I'm pregnant with a child that isn't yours?" This is the first time I've said it out loud to him. We both knew, but never spoke of it until now. It feels even more real, saying it out loud like this.

I know how it must look to him. Me and Raven. This unborn child. My hesitance to open up to him.

"Yes, Aya," he says slowly, with a calm I could never dream to achieve in a situation like this. His patience never ceases to amaze me. "You know, our problem has never been about Raven or the abortion or any of that. It's always been about communication. I want you to talk to me, no matter what it is. Be open with me. There's nothing you could say that would push me away from you. The only thing that could put distance between us is _lack_ of communication, so please, just talk to me..." 

His next words are quiet but sure, and they hit me so hard my breath catches in my lungs and I bite the inside of my lip, drawing blood. They send a flood of emotions throughout my entire being. It hurts, hearing the words come off his tongue with kindness, even though I know they hurt him. I know it must be eating away at him. Tears threaten to fall from my eyes as he says, "...Even if you slept with Raven a hundred times, there's nothing you could do that could make me stop loving you."

There's silence. He glares into my eyes and I dare to look back, knowing full-well I will break when I do. But when my eyes meet his, and see the _love_ and not the _disappointment_ , I break in a different way. A good way. The wall separating us seems to shatter and I feel closer to this man than I've ever felt to anyone in my entire life.

When I look into his eyes, I see love. Love so strong, no conflict could ever break it. I see passion. Passion pushing him on, despite our troubled circumstances. My future. A future filled with hope and security and companionship.

As I look into his eyes, I want to cry but can't—no tears seem to come. The only thing left between us are the words pushing at my tongue, trying to get out.

There is no perfect time, no perfect moment. What needs to be said is pushing, wanting—no, _needing_ —so desperately to get out. I break the silence with delicacy, letting the words come out in what is barely a whisper. The words sound fragile, broken; they sound imperfect and ruined, just like how I feel. "I was raped, Kakashi."

There's another moment of silence as our eyes remain locked on each other's. It feels like we are the only two people in the world right now. He doesn't move and his expression still hasn't changed.

Then, a single tear falls from his lone grey eye. And then another, slipping through the scarred eye too, until his cheeks are wet and his jaw is hanging just slightly open.

I've never seen Kakashi cry. Before this moment, I didn't think he was capable of it. Eventually, I reach up and take his frozen face in my hand, wiping the tears. With the other hand, I gently grab his shoulder, pulling him down to the ground in a sitting position. We lean against the side of the bridge and his face remains the same. I can hear his low, deep breaths escaping through his soft lips. The tears continue to fall as he stares forward into a void of nothing, just like his expression. 

But he doesn't need a facial expression for me to know exactly how he's feeling. It's evident in every quiet breath. The subtle wrinkles between his brows that only I would ever notice, because of how well I know his face. Wrinkles from the slightest furrow. I can feel his pain in every tear that slips down his perfect face—every assumption he'd made, every moment he spent coming to terms with the love of his life cheating on him, every minute he spent convincing himself to love me in spite of it all.

When all this time, I was never the one in the wrong. Not once did I even so much as think about betraying this perfect, silver-haired man.

This time, I take _him_ into _my_ chest and rest my head atop his. Once I do this, I feel and hear him start to sob, though muffled into my chest and the black coat he lent me just a few minutes ago. It's a sound I never thought could escape the cold-captain's throat. Though, I guess there were many things I didn't know about this man back then. And I'm sure there are many things I have yet to learn.

**~ KAKASHI ~**

I let myself go. I've never done this in front of anyone before, not even my own father—with the exception of his lifeless body.

I cry over what happened to her, yes. But I also cry for ever assuming she'd cheated on me. I should have known. I should have been there for her... but I wasn't. I was too busy basking in my own jealousy and frustration and ended up completely oblivious, unable to read the blatant signs.

I don't deserve her, not one bit. I don't deserve any sympathy from her after what I let her go through alone. How could I be so blind? How could I let her struggle like this for so long and never take notice?

"Yes, I'll marry you," she whispers.

**~ AYAME ~**

Kakashi continues to sob into my chest. I can't even begin to imagine what is going on in his head right now. I'm not sure he really hears me but I say it nonetheless, "Yes, I'll marry you."

I lean my head back against the side of the bridge and look up into the clear, blue sky. Not a cloud or bird in sight. Kakashi and I are the only ones in the world right now.

Eventually, he manages to calm down but remains in my embrace. Until now, Kakashi was always the one comforting me. It feels good to return the favor.

I could hold him like this forever. He is my light in the dark. He's what keeps me grounded. He keeps me in sync.


	21. XXI ~ The Rest of Our Lives

We're finally happy. Finally grounded.

Whenever my mind tries to get the better of me, he's there to bring me back from it.

It's hard at first, after everything we went through, but naturally we fall more and more in sync with each other.

Our relationship is serious now. When I look at him, I feel fireworks explode within me. I love this man more than I love anything or anyone else in the entire universe. I can barely contain it.

We spend more and more time together, and the genin take notice. We haven't told anyone else about our engagement yet, except for Hiruzen of course. Kakashi just had to be traditional and ask my "father" for permission to marry me.

Our evenings out together often end up at one or the other's place. He never pushes me to do anything I'm not comfortable with, but I love this man so much that I'm not afraid of anything when I'm with him. He sets my mind and body at peace.

We often end up in bed together, and Kakashi is gentle and patient and kind, always sure never to do anything I'm not comfortable with. He listens to my wants and needs.

The first time we do it together, I know that it's right because my mind is completely free of all thoughts of Raven and I can only focus on the beautifully sculpted man standing before me. Nothing comes between us but hot and battered breaths.

"Are you sure you want this?" he breathes, struggling for breath just as much as I. His shirt is already on the floor and I feel my way all over his perfectly toned torso. My fingers are on fire and so is my gut. The feeling down there swells more and more and I plant my lips on his once more, battling for dominance. He wins, sliding his tongue into my mouth and his hands are in my hair as he slides a knee between by thighs, holding me up and against the wall.

We stop for only a moment while I breathe the word, "Yes."

The next moment, he picks me up and carries me to his bed, placing me down delicately and looking sweetly into my eyes, flicking back and forth from my eyes to my lips, as he hovers over me.

"I love you, Ayame Sarutobi. I can't wait to call you my wife."

 _I can't wait to be your wife,_ I think as he explores every crevice of my body with confidence. But I don't get the chance to tell him that as I grip hard to the sheets and slip into another world entirely. One of fireworks and explosions and utmost pleasure.

He holds me in his arms as we lay underneath the thin sheets. I can still taste his lips on mine as I stare up at the peacefully sleeping man who holds onto me in his sleep. Each breath is like a warm brush against my forehead and I can hear the steady _thump_ of his heartbeat echoing inside his chest.

"Kakashi..." I whisper, shifting up a bit to plant a soft kiss on his nose. He groans and shifts but doesn't wake from his deep slumber. "Kakashi, wake up..." Once again, he shifts but his eyes remain locked, heaving a breath as he tries to roll over. I stop him, wrapping myself around him so my chin is in his hair. "Come on, we have to go meet the genin..." At this, he nuzzles his face into my neck and lets out a soft groan. "I knew you were awake," I snicker.

Finally, he pulls away from me and cracks his grey eye open, just a little. Forming a pouty face, he sighs before smiling. "It's okay," he murmurs, shifting again so he's closer to me and our bare legs are mangled underneath the covers. "We'll just be a little late, that's all. Nothing they aren't used to."

I pull myself away from him, untangling our legs and standing at the side of the bed, pulling the thin sheet away in the process. With it, I wrap myself and leave him shivering atop the mattress. "Okay, you can be late but no way in hell I'm stooping that low. I'm done being the _late_ one all the time, I've made it my new goal to always be _early."_ With an affirmative nod, I cross my arms and stand tall, keeping my chin in the air.

"Hmm? Is that so?" the silver-haired man hums as he rolls off the bed and pulls on some pants.

I nod again, keeping my composure as I try and focus on something other than the _very_ sexy man standing before me. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that he's getting dressed again, though I guess we can't just stay naked forever.

"Mhm," I say, closing my eyes and tilting my head away as the still-shirtless man approaches me. He plants a taunting kiss on my neck before grazing past me with his shoulder and putting the rest of his jonin uniform on.

"Suit yourself," Kakashi chimes, swinging a kunai around his finger before placing it into his leg holster. With that, he leaves the room and I hear his apartment door close. As soon as it does, a long sigh escapes my throat and I slump over, letting the sheet fall to the ground and the cold air hit my naked body.

"Yada, yada," I mutter as I search around the room for my various articles of clothing. "Is this what I'm gonna have to put up with for the rest of my life?"

Before long, I'm fully clothed and heading for our team meeting spot as well. It frustrates me to no end that Kakashi will probably make it there first, totally showing me up. I guess neither of us has the greatest track record for being on time.

At least this time, we both have a pretty good excuse. Too bad we can't tell it to the genin.

He didn't even wait for me to start explaining the next task to the genin. As I approach the bridge overlooking the river, which also happens to be the spot I held Kakashi as he cried many weeks ago, I see the genin's faces light up when Kakashi holds up a sheet of paper.

The kids are so enticed by it that not one of them sees me approach from behind. Kakashi winks at me as he holds the chunin exam applications up in front of our team. I can't help but smirk back.

"Don't just jump into it," I say as I grab both Naruto and Sasuke on the head. They all turn and the two boys give me a grim look as I ruffle their adorable hair. "The chunin exams aren't easy, you could even _die."_

Both boys and even Sakura shoot me terrified looks as I return it with a closed eye smile.

"Anyways, all three of you have to agree to take the exams since they are completed in three-man teams. But don't agree to it just 'cause you feel pressured to. Make this decision on your own, okay?"

Naruto immediately jumps, pumping his fist in the air, "Yashaaa! I'm gonna become a chunin, Aya-Sensei! Just watch!" Sasuke grunts as he crosses his arms and Sakura holds her hands under her chin as she looks between the two boys in her own world of thought.

"You have one week to decide," Kakashi adds, handing each genin an application. "In the meantime, do as you wish. This is your vacation of sorts."

All three kids taper off, Naruto and Sasuke heading in opposite directions and Sakura running to catch up with Sasuke, waving her hand and screaming, "Sasuke-kunnnn! Let's go on a date!"

I feel Kakashi's hand on my shoulder as we watch them leave.

"Think they'll go for it?" I ask, feeling a nervous kind of hope for these kids. They've improved significantly since they first came together as a team, but they've definitely still got a long way to go.

"This year's rookies are a promising bunch," Kakashi answers, using the hand not on my shoulder to place behind his head. "But it's still to early to tell if they'll take this chance."

* * *

The sun has begun to set over the horizon, filling the sky with all sorts of beautiful colors. Despite my willingness to be more open to change lately, I still can't view a sunset and feel entirely happy. Soon enough, the sun will disappear and the sky will turn black. An all familiar feeling of dread forms in the pit of my stomach.

My eyes shoot open, momentarily distracted from my thoughts, when I hear a _clang_ followed by the sound of weapon piercing a target. I jump down from my tree to see my pupil doing some target practice with shuriken. The next one he throws, I deflect before revealing myself from behind a tree.

"Sensei," Sasuke grunts, greeting me with that monotonous tone of his. It's way better than a shrug and cold shoulder. He's really starting to warm up to me.

"Are you gonna participate in this year's chunin exams?" I ask, making my way over to him and placing my hands on my hips. He grunts again, turning away and very clearly choosing not to answer. "Forgetting about Naruto and Sakura, would you do it? If you could participate alone?"

That gets his attention. He finally looks me straight on and furrows his eyebrows before looking past me at one of the targets, where the shuriken has pierced dead-center.

"Mm," he grunts with a slight nod. I smirk and go to ruffle his hair again but he ducks out of the way before heading to the targets to retrieve his weapons.

"I'm glad," I say quietly before leaving the training ground. With my back still to him, I take a second to peek over my shoulder. He's looking directly at me with wide eyes but when he sees me looking, he quickly turns and starts throwing at the targets again. A big smile forms across my lips as I walk back to town.

I know it's not my place to try to influence any of their decision on whether to take the exams. In fact, I'm technically not allowed to. This is something the genin have to decide for themselves. But I can't help but feel glad knowing that Sasuke has a desire to keep improving. I know how set he has been on revenge, and I was honestly worried he might choose that over his own worth.

That child is in quite a situation. I'm sure his mind is running wild. I can only hope he chooses the right paths.

As I pass through the village, I run into Kurenai and Asuma. The two lovebirds are walking side by side, but still refuse to hold hands in public. That's just like Asuma, to be embarrassed about that sort of thing. Everyone knows about them, and I think they know that everyone knows, but neither wants to admit it to anyone.

"Oy, Asuma! Kurenai!" I say as they approach. Both send me warm smiles as they take a step away from each other, putting over a foot of distance between themselves. I pout, slumping my shoulders. "Come on, guys. You don't need to act like that around me."

"Hai, hai," Asuma muddles as he rubs the back of his neck, which makes the situation even more awkward. "I'm glad to see you're back up on your feet, sis. You really had me worrying for a couple months," Asuma says with a soft smile and eyes that show genuine concern.

Now I'm the one making things awkward, mirroring Asuma as we both rub the back of our necks with closed eye smiles. Thankfully, Kurenai is here to break the tension.

"Maa, let's not waste our time talking about the past. Are your genin going to participate in the chunin exams, Ayame?" Kurenai chimes, smiling sweetly with those beautifully unique red eyes of hers.

I nod. "Mm, I hope so, but Kakashi and I gave them a week to decide," I say, though I'm almost sure both boys will decide to participate. It's really up to Sakura. If she doesn't participate, the boys can't either because the exams require a three-man team.

Asuma perks up for a moment, glaring at me suspiciously.

"W-what's with that look?" I utter, slightly afraid of the intense glare my brother is giving me. In fact, it's one I've never seen on him before. He's usually cool and collected, with the exception of the times I've pissed him off.

"Mmm, just wondering why you're acting strange."

My face heats up and I stand straight, trying to look as normal as possible but failing miserably. Asuma reads me too well. "I-I'm not acting strange. Well, now that you're mentioning it, I am. But only because _you're_ acting weird and it makes _me_ feel weird."

Asuma smirks, raising an eyebrow and sighing which relieves me a bit. I furrow my own brows as I watch him think.

"Hey, why don't you just ask her?" Kurenai mutters, intending it for Asuma's ears. My head tilts sideways as I try to read the situation. _Ask me what?_

He sends me some sort of knowing smile before muttering, "Say, you and Kak-"

"Yes Asuma, we are together," I answer swiftly, because I don't want him to say anymore. It's bothersome enough as it is. Asuma has been pushing men my way ever since I told him I didn't have time for _love._ We were both changed people at that point, it was like trying to reform a relationship from totally new perspectives. He'd just resigned from his position in the Twelve Guardian Ninja and decided to work as a jonin for the Leaf, and I'd just joined ANBU and gotten over the stuff that happened with Raven.

The smirk that rises to his lips, a triumphant look of sorts, is all it takes to set me on edge. I suppress a groan and squeeze my hand into a fist at my side.

"I'm happy for you," he says then, joining hands with Kurenai. Something he would never do in front of anyone else. "I can't let my precious little sister be single forever, now can I?"

That earns him a solid grunt because I hate it when he calls me 'little'. I'm only two years younger than him, but he acts like he's my father.

"Yes, well, it's about time, wouldn't you say? I'm nearly 30 years old," I smirk, shooting Kurenai and Asuma a triumphant look of my own. "Hey, When are you two gonna get married? It's sort of pathetic that your little sister is engaged before you are, don't you think Asuma?"

Both of their expressions change, and not in the way that I'd initially expected, before I realize my mistake. _Damn it. I let it slip._

"I wasn't supposed to tell you that. We were gonna keep it quiet for a while. Please don't tell anyone, I don't want to deal with people getting all over me, all the lovey-dovey congratulatory messages and stuff," I murmur as I make a face and turn my head from the two. Their eyes are lit up as they glare at me like they have a million things they want to say. I'm thankful that they don't, that they respect my wishes to keep things on the down-low for now.

Suddenly, I'm pulled into an embrace as Asuma, who's a whole head taller than me, wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his vest.

Quietly, calmly, he whispers, "Congratulations."

And I take it, but only because it's from him. "Thanks, oniichan."

Kurenai comes up behind Asuma and smiles kindly, offering her congratulations without words. Instead, she says, "It was about time that imbecile found someone. You two will be great together."

The fragility in Kurenai's words mean the world to me. There's an underlying message exchanged in her words, one only her and I could ever understand as I look into her soft, red eyes.

One that says, _'I see where you came from_ _._ _I'm proud. I knew you could do it.'_

She—and now Kakashi and Asuma—are the only ones who know about my past experiences with Raven. Though Kakashi is the only one to know of the _most recent_ experience, Kurenai was the original one there for me all those years ago when I was first struggling. So the soft undertones in her voice mean the world to me, and it speaks louder than words ever could.

"When?" Kurenai chimes, changing the subject happily.

"Maa, we don't know yet. We're still figuring out the details. Probably after the chunin exams. Things are gonna be pretty busy around here, and we'd like to focus on preparing our genin," I say, waving my hands around nonchalantly as I explain.

The couple nods curtly before offering me one last smile. "Good luck," Asuma says, and I know it has two meanings—he's not only referring to my engagement and wedding preparations, but also to our genin. It's likely our genin will be competing against each other if they all partake in the exams, and we both know we will be rooting for our own.

"Likewise," I reply as we go our separate ways.

Finally, the sun has completely disappeared and the stars are starting to show. Despite how much I dread sunsets, the night is not actually that bad. The stars litter the sky a bit like glitter, shining down along with the moon and illuminating everything with a dark, bluish glow. It's serene, to say the least.

As I walk towards my apartment, I get a strange urge in my mind. It's something that doesn't happen often or at all, and I'm not quite sure how to feel about it. It's an urge that tells me I should go and visit Hiruzen.

My feet carry me down an opposite road from the one that leads to my apartment as I head back to my childhood home. It's been years since I've visited it and strangely enough, I sort of miss it.

Hiruzen and I never had an 'A+' relationship by any means, though I know a lot of that was due to my own frustration with my birth parents and his reluctance to tell me about them. Now that I'm older and finally moving on (and becoming a parent myself), it feels like a weight has been lifted and maybe, _just maybe,_ Hiruzen and I can start fresh. I think I'd like that.

I get to the front door and reach out to knock, but hesitate. What's he gonna think, me just showing up at his door all these years later?

I mean, it's not like I haven't seen him. I see him all the time, just in his office while he's in uniform and such. This feels different. More intimate. Like I really have to address him like my uncle, and can't hide behind a facade by addressing him as the Hokage. For a moment, fear instills itself deep inside me and I consider turning around. But before I can do so, even before I've knocked on the door, it slides open with a long squeak.

"Ayame," he mutters. The familiar smell of smoke fills my lungs as I look up from the ground and finally face my uncle.

"Uncle Hiruzen," I respond, voice soft, like I might say something wrong. It's like I've forgotten how to talk to him... or maybe I never learned at all. Most of the time, we were bickering or making small talk. This feels new and unfamiliar. "I'm getting married... and-"

Hiruzen tilts his head as he looks at me, waiting quietly for me to continue. He doesn't urge me on or question why I've suddenly stopped mid-sentence. He waits willingly, patiently.

The thought is just now crossing my mind, as the words are escaping my lips. It shocks me just as much as it shocks him.

"Will you be my father at my wedding?"

I don't need to hear his response to know he is pleased. His eyes change, a look I've never seen in them before. Well, not while he's ever looked at _me,_ at least. It's a look similar to the way he looks upon the little, tiny children in the village. Soft, loving, full of hope.

"Of course," he says, ushering me in. The warm glow from the lights and musky smell of smoke brings me back to my childhood, all the days I would come into this home and run straight to my room, trying my very best to avoid my stern uncle at all costs. But now, I'm realizing he wasn't stern. He was caring, all this time, and I just never gave him a chance.

"I'm sorry, for everything," I start to say, but he cuts me off as he pulls out a cushion at the short table and pours me a cup of tea.

"You do not need to apologize to me," he grumbles, pouring himself some tea as he kneels on a cushion across the table. "I should have been more open, you know, about your mother. It's because of that that we never were able to see eye to eye. I'd like to be open with you, from here on out. I don't want to see you go into another depression, Ayame."

Hiruzen still thinks my latest depression was about my mother and family issues. He doesn't know about Raven's appearance at my apartment. In fact, everyone in the village who was on Raven's case still believes he simply left the village when they released him at the gates. They watched him walk away. How he managed to return and get past all the security is something Kakashi and I may never know, but we are choosing not to focus on it. We're both moving forward, forgetting about the past and focusing on creating a future.

 _A future for us, a future for this unborn child_... my hand travels subconsciously to my abdomen and Hiruzen takes notice. By the time I realize what I've done, the way my hand makes my loose sweater grip to my round stomach, it's too late. There's no hiding this one.

His face goes blank for a moment as his jaw drops a little. As if he doesn't quite know how to act, the words come out all jumbled and awkward, "Uhh, I heard about your engagement, congratulations. And..." he pauses as his eyes trail down to my abdomen once again. I take my sweater off and place it neatly on the floor beside me. The tight undershirt that I wore in ANBU—the one that used to show off the slick, toned shape of my stomach—is sticking to the now curved shape of my abdomen. It's nearly impossible to hide without wearing baggy clothing now.

The faintest of smiles finds my lips as I acknowledge my uncle's suspicion. I allow him to think it's Kakashi's because the alternative is telling him about Raven and I'm not ready for that yet.

I speak for him, because I can tell he doesn't know how to react. "I'm nearly 4 months along," I say as I hold the small bump tenderly in both hands.

"So that's why he was so desperate to marry you..." Hiruzen mutters under his breath, more to himself than to me. I give him a confused glance and he shakes me off, "Maa, never mind that."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. Not even Asuma knows yet."

Hiruzen shakes his head, grunting. "No, no, it's okay. It's your life and you shouldn't feel pressured by my expectations. I don't want you to live with that mindset anymore."

Feeling a warmth spread throughout my body at this remark, I drink my tea with a smile.

This is it. This is what I needed. Hiruzen and I can finally get along. Kakashi and I are getting married. We're becoming parents. _My life is just finally falling into place._

"One last thing," he says, breaking the silence. I look up from my tea and he speaks with power and slight urgency—the same voice he uses to address crowds as the Hokage, "If Kakashi doesn't treat you right, he'll be punished—and not by the Hokage; by the father of the bride. You make sure to tell him that for me."

A sweet smile curls on the corner of my lips as I chuckle quietly under my breath and finish the last of my warm tea, enjoying the feeling as the sweet flavor slides down my throat.

_Yes, everything is falling into place._


	22. XXII ~ Second Guessing

"Say, why don't I take you for that bowl of ramen I promised you way back?"

Naruto's ears perk like a dog who has just spotted a squirrel. It seems he'd forgotten about it and is just now remembering. A large smile starts to grow on his face before it suddenly fades.

"Uh," Naruto mutters, standing awkwardly as he tries not to glare at my stomach. I've decided not to hide it under loose clothing anymore. Word's gonna get out eventually, right? "Are you sure you should be eating right now, Aya-Sensei? I mean, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but you're getting pretty fat... Maybe you should hold off on the ramen for a little while..."

I can't hold back the laughter that escapes adamantly from my lungs. I clutch my round stomach as I bend over in heavy laughter, the type I haven't experienced in such a long time. I can barely speak, sputtering words out whenever I can manage a breath. "Fat-" I snort, covering my mouth before exploding in giggles again. When I finally somewhat compose myself, I place a hand on the yellow-haired genin's head. "I'm not fat, silly. I'm pregnant."

Naruto's eyes go wide and his face turns red in realization and embarrassment.

"Hey, don't sweat it, kid. Let's go eat, yeah?"

He nods subtly, keeping his head down as we walk to Ichiraku's. I try to hold back, for his sake, but still snicker as we walk, murmuring things under my breath, "Pfft, you crack me up, Naruto."

When we arrive, it seems Naruto has already moved on from his embarrassing moment a few minutes ago as he orders an extra large bowl of miso chashu pork ramen with extra pork and gulps it down faster than I can comprehend. _What a kid._

He orders another bowl while I'm still working on my first.

"So have you thought much about the chunin exams?" I ask the boy as he slurps up the noodles like an actual vacuum. He stops, gulping down a large mouthful, before turning to me and nodding.

"Of course, dattebayo! I'm gonna take the exam and become a chunin, and then I'll be one step closer to becoming Hokage!"

I smirk before taking another slurp of my ramen.

"Good," I say, telling Naruto the same thing I told to Sasuke. "I'm glad."

Naruto returns his attention to his food and finishes his second bowl, promptly ordering a third. _Dear lord, I can't wait to pay this bill._

Later that day, I run into Sakura outside her house. She's leaving and running down the stairs to her front door, calling goodbye to her parents. 

"Oh, Sakura!" I exclaim, waving and stopping her in her tracks.

"Ayame-Sensei!" she says with a kind smile. "I was just heading to train for-" Sakura stops mid-sentence as she stares down at my baby bump. "When did that happen?" she mutters bluntly.

I feel myself go red as I watch the intelligent genin infer. Sakura has always been the smart one of the bunch and I'm sure she's putting two and two together.

"Oh!" I say, laughing with a closed eye smile. "Uhh well, I'm just about 4 months along..."

"Who's the father?" she asks in blunt curiosity. _Thank god,_ I think as I laugh awkwardly. _She's smart but she hasn't picked up on it yet. Or maybe she has, and this is just her confirming her suspicions. That seems like the logical thing to do in this situation-_ "Gomen..." Sakura says shamefully, "That's really none of my business. Forget I asked."

"Maa, it's okay," and now for some reason, I'm the one who feels bad. I don't answer her question directly, because doing so would mean lying to her. Of course, I won't tell her it belongs to an ex-boyfriend. But I also won't lie to her by telling her it's Kakashi's. I'll let people assume that, yes, but I won't straight up lie to their faces. That doesn't feel right. 

So, despite the fact that Kakashi and I have both agreed to keep our engagement a secret for now, the words slip out because it's the only thing that seems right in this situation. "Kakashi and I are engaged," I whisper. "But it's a secret. Can you promise you won't tell right away?"

Sakura's eyes go wide and a huge smile spreads across her lips and to her soft, green eyes. "No way!" she exclaims. "That's great news! I won't tell, I promise."

I smile, showing my gratitude to my little pink pupil. "Say, now I'd like you to tell _me_ something, just between us."

We start to walk and she peers up at me with her glowing, curious eyes. "What is it?"

"Are you gonna participate in the chunin exams?"

Immediately her expression drops and she starts staring at her feet as we walk, and I frown. 

"I see," I mutter. _Damn it! So close. I knew Sakura would be the deciding factor. Shit..._

"I hope you're not disappointed..." she mutters, fumbling with the flap on her weapons pouch. "I thought about it a lot, but I think I'd just end up being more of a burden to Naruto and Sasuke than anything... they've both improved so much, while I'm always just watching them from behind."

An idea hits me and it's literally like a light bulb has turned on in my head. I'm sure that my eyes are glowing as I glare down at my pupil.

"What if I train you?" I ask.

She's silent for a moment, pink brows furrowed. "You mean..."

"I will work with you, one on one, while Kakashi takes on the boys. There's still a month until the exams, we have time."

I feel the spark of hope turn to a flame as her expression changes. She's considering it. I just hope she takes it.

"Do you really think I have a chance, Ayame-Sensei?" she asks, voice sad but also curious. I nod, drawing her into a side hug. Her head barely reaches my shoulder and I'm reminded just how tiny these genin are. To think that they will be competing to become chunin...

"Of course," I chime. "It's not all just about physical skill, Sakura. There's a written test involved, too."

I see her eyes light up at this. I know she's good at book-stuff. She was top of the class, along with Sasuke, and always excelled in academics.

And then she speaks and I can finally bask in my excitement, having worked my plan out perfectly. "Okay, I'll do it."

 _Mission complete,_ I think as we head to the training grounds. May as well start now, we've got a lot to work on.

We train long and hard, though I'm careful not to exert myself.

Sakura falls down, panting and sweating. I toss her my canteen which is filled with cold water and she drinks it eagerly.

"You're intense Sensei, even when you're pregnant," she remarks, wiping the sweat off her forehead. We've been sparring so that she can become better at hand-to-hand combat. I've been using my knuckle blades and she's used a kunai, but I've gone easy on her, of course. She's steadily improving, though. She's a quick learner.

* * *

Before we know it, the exams are fast approaching. In the one month, Sakura and I have managed to up her chakra control a bit more and get her taijutsu skills improved significantly. Though, she's still got a long way to go. It's clear weaponry isn't her thing, but she's got a lot of arm strength. I even struggled to push her kunai back whenever our weapons locked. 

I also taught her the basics of genjutsu, though I'm not adept at it myself. We focused mainly on _escaping_ a genjutsu, should you ever find yourself trapped in one. Being so good at controlling her chakra, she was very good at it. Though, once again, I am no genjutsu expert and the ones I could cast on her were not very good to begin with. 

I'm sure Kakashi would be much better, with his sharingan and all, but he's busy working with Naruto and Sasuke. I haven't seen him much, except on the odd evening when I'll stop by his place to say hi. We've both been incredibly busy, trying to prepare our rookie genin for a difficult exam. 

I get to Kakashi's just as the sun is setting and knock three times. The door opens and I step inside, greeting him with a kiss on the cheek. He doesn't bother with the mask while he's home alone and when I'm with him.

The first place I go to is the fridge, and I grab what little there is and try to put something together. "You really should keep more food, you know. There's barely enough to make a sandwich."

He comes up behind and wraps his arms around my waist, resting his hands on my round tummy as he speaks softy into my ear. 

"I guess you're right," he says. "Especially since you're eating for two."

I turn around and kiss him on the lips softly, which he returns just as delicately. When we pull away, I see his smile and feel warmth fill me from head to toe. 

"I'll finish the sandwich, go sit down. You've been exerting yourself enough with Sakura," he says, kissing my forehead. 

"Yes sir," I say jokingly, pushing past and waddling over to the couch. I fall into the soft cushions and stick my feet up on his coffee table. "So, how is it going with the boys?"

He grunts as he searches his very empty kitchen for a butter knife. Seriously, this guy needs to get more stuff for his kitchen. "They're rivals, so I barely need to train them. They spur each other on so I basically just get to read my book."

I snort, turning my nose up at the mere mention of that damn book of his. He spots this and grins.

Finally, he makes his way over and joins me on the couch, handing me the sandwich and wrapping his arm around my shoulders. The other hand rests on my thigh.

I put my head into his shoulder, feeling a wave of relaxation fall over me. I guess I have been working hard lately, and being pregnant doesn't help. It makes every task two times more exhausting.

I sigh, already dreading the walk home tonight. 

Then he speaks so suddenly, I nearly jump out of my skin. Yet his words are soft, delicate. I can feel his breath on my ear.

"Move in with me."

I'm not so tired after that. In fact, Kakashi's words have woken me right up. I perk my head up, eyes wide as I glare at Kakashi who remains unmoved, a sure look looming in that grey eye of his. "What did you say?" I ask, to be sure my tired brain isn't imagining things.

"Move in with me. You're super pregnant, and we're getting married soon anyways. May as well."

I look back to my swollen feet and blink a few times, trying to process this sudden request.

"Plus, I'm apparently in need of some new kitchen utensils."

I laugh at this, laying my head back on his shoulder. "Okay then," I sigh, nuzzling my face into his neck. "Let's move in together..."

* * *

With the chunin exams less than a week away, Kakashi orders me to rest. However much I wish I could keep training Sakura to the last minute, I know that he's right. I come home completely exhausted every day. 

The night before the exams, Kakashi decides to head over to my apartment and pack all of my stuff up for me.

"Sakura will be fine," Kakashi assures me, bringing in the last box from my apartment and setting it on his kitchen table. "And you need to relax a little."

"You're right," I sigh, walking over and opening a box, intending to unpack it. 

"If I'm right, then go sit down," he says accusingly, but with a slight smirk.

I groan and return to the couch, though I am thankful for all Kakashi's help lately. Being 5 months along is not easy. I can't imagine what I'll feel like to be 8 months. I'm already sore and exhausted and my feet are the size of an elephant's.

"Everything is arranged that I'll be the one summoned to tend to the genin if anything goes wrong during the exams," Kakashi continues, pulling items out of the boxes and setting them all over the place. I don't have a _lot_ of stuff, but certainly more than Kakashi does. "And I'll update you as often as I can. When, rather _if,_ they make it to the final matches, you can watch from the stands. Oh, and I've already spoken to Hokage-Sama and he's agreed to give Yugao some time off from ANBU so she can come spend some time with you..."

"Kakashi... that's really not necessary... I'll be fine on my own."

But he walks over and leans down, kissing my forehead before taking my face in his hands and giving me a stern yet loving look, "I know, but I'll feel better knowing someone's here with you." He gets down to his knee and kisses my jutting stomach too, before returning to the boxes and continuing to unpack them.

I watch him sheepishly, feeling glad this man is in my life. Even though I am _perfectly capable of being independent, even when I'm pregnant._ But I'll do it, just because I know it puts his mind at ease. 

In the morning when I wake, Kakashi is already gone. _What time is it?_ I roll over and look at the clock and realize it's almost noon. I haven't slept in this long in years, though I must admit I feel very refreshed. Rolling out of bed, I throw on a robe and walk out to the kitchen.

I start digging through boxes of stuff that are still needing to be unpacked, searching for my frying pan. 

"Shit," I mutter, holding my lower back as I lean over. I must look pitiful right now, struggling to dig through boxes with a fat, jutting stomach. I feel like an old lady. I'm glad nobody is here to see me in this condition.

Finally, I find the pan and pull it out, placing it on the stove and lighting it. Luckily, Kakashi always has eggs in his fridge. Maybe I'll go get some groceries today... surely, Kakashi wouldn't mind if I did that. It's not like I'll be doing any heavy lifting—

"Yo!" someone exclaims from across the room, and I jump, cracking an egg on the floor in the process. I whip around to see a purple haired woman sitting on the couch in the living area. _How the hell did I not spot her there before?_

"Y-Yugao!" I exclaim, turning off the stove before something catches fire. "I didn't see you there."

"It's been so long, Ayame! How have you been? I've been so busy with ANBU stuff, I meant to visit you, but then Kakashi-Senpai said you weren't accepting visitors... that was a couple of months ago, you know. But anyways, it's so good to see you! I see you're doing well," she says, peering down at my bump.

"Hai, hai," I mutter through awkward laughter. "Been alright, I suppose. Best I can be, in this condition." I take the opportunity to point to my large, round stomach and we both laugh a little.

I manage to convince Yugao to come to the grocery store with me. She obliges, calling it her 'mission'. She says she doesn't get many exciting missions outside of ANBU, most of her missions are the 'same old, same old' where she assassinates someone or captures them, or interrogates, or spies... "I actually miss the lighthearted missions, you know? ANBU gets old after so long."

"Mhm," I say, going along with everything she says but not really listening. She's talking like she's never talked before. Usually, on our missions, she was the quiet one. I guess I never talked much with her outside of ANBU training and missions and the occasional outing with the team. "And how is Hataye?"

She flushes pink and smiles sheepishly, "He's great. Actually, he's proctoring some of the chunin exams."

"Oh? That's great," I say, grabbing milk and bread and other basic items. Yugao follows behind me with a basket as I fill it. I can't help but feel like I'm missing out on these exams. I'd like more than anything to sit with the other Jonin instructors and watch the genin on the TV screens in the Forest of Death, but Kakashi was adamant that I stay home. He claimed I might get too worked up and disturb the baby. I let a sigh escape my lips as Yugao and I walk the aisles of the small grocery store.

"How are you and Kakashi-Senpai getting along? I mean, clearly pretty well," she mutters suggestively, nodding to my stomach. I flush with color and simply nod. "I still remember when we were all just young ANBU, early 20s. Now look at us, settling down, having kids..." she trails off but I stop listening, my mind drifting elsewhere.

Kakashi and I are gonna have to tell people that the child is not his, right? Or maybe we don't. But what if it doesn't look anything like him? Will people be suspicious? At least it'll have some of my features, right? _Oh god, I hope it ends up looking like me._ What if it comes out with raven-black hair? What are people gonna think?

My hand has found my stomach subconsciously and Yugao has stopped talking. There are tears forming in the corners of my eyes and she sets the basket down, approaching me tentatively. 

"Is everything okay?" she asks. I nod, lying, saying everything's fine. We finish the grocery shopping in silence and she helps me carry the bags back to the apartment. 

"Hey, I'm... pretty tired. I think I'll go lie down for a while," I mutter after putting the groceries away. Yugao nods, eyebrows furrowed, and I head into the bedroom and shut the door. Relieved to finally be alone, I fall into the bed and pull the covers up and over my chin.

 _Is this what it's gonna be like, having this child?_ Am I even suited to have a child? I don't know anything about babies.I don't know anything about what a proper childhood should look like, either. I never really had a proper childhood, to be honest. I mean, Hiruzen did the best that he could while balancing his duties as the Hokage and as a father to Asuma as well, but there's only so much the very busy man could manage...

Asuma didn't seem bothered by it. He turned out just fine. Maybe it's only me... am I the messed up one?

_I guess my mother and father are pretty messed up too..._

I clutch my stomach, holding back the tears that push in the corners of my eyes. I want this child to have the best life possible, but I just don't know how to give that to them.

Before long, Kakashi comes home. I know it's him because I recognize his voice. He and Yugao exchange some muffled words before Yugao leaves for the night. When Kakashi comes into the room, I pretend to be asleep. He sighs softly and heads to the bathroom and I hear the shower turn on. Finally, I fall asleep for real and when I wake in the morning, Kakashi is once again already gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Wonderful Readers!
> 
> What are your thoughts so far? Don't be afraid to comment. Love you guys!! So grateful for all the support thus far.
> 
> ~R


	23. XXIII ~ Things One Can Never Foresee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey! Time to address some things.
> 
> Not sure if you can tell, but I'm sort of trying to avoid having to write detailed depictions of the chunin exams. It's tedious and boring having to stick to all the facts, and I'm sure you all have seen the chunin exams arc many times before so I'll save you the effort of having to read it over again.
> 
> My excuse is that Ayame is super preggo and Kakashi is super protective. Ok? Ok.
> 
> OH YEAH. And Konohamaru. I've been avoiding him in this story because his heritage/parents are not really explained... Like, for Konohamaru to exist, since Asuma is his uncle, it would mean that Asuma would have had to have another sibling but this is not explained in the manga or anime. So I'll be adding him in as a 'nephew' to Ayame and not really explaining that, because not even the anime explains it. It's a plot-hole, but it's not my plot-hole, so I'm going ahead with it. Gomen.
> 
> Enjoyyyy.
> 
> ~ R
> 
> P.S. Sorry for the longer amount of time between updates. I haven't forgotten about this story, I promise!! University is starting up again so things are getting busy. Expect slower updates and please be patient with me. Thanks for the continued support. Much love <3

I feel a strange sensation in my lower abdomen. Is it a kick? Would the baby even be kicking this early? I decide to sit down for a bit, taking a break from the boxes in the kitchen. Yugao left a while ago, on some sort of urgent summons. I will admit that I don't miss those days—days where, as an ANBU, you're told you can have time off but you end up being summoned anyways. 

I sigh, kicking my feet up and letting my head fall back into the couch. I glare down at the bump and massage various spots, trying to feel for a kick. Maybe I imagined it.

My head starts to feel funny so I close my eyes to try and sleep for a while. Kakashi should be getting home soon to take me to see the final rounds. I'm proud of both Naruto and Sasuke for making it this far. And Sakura, Kakashi told me, did her best but ended up in tie with another rookie kunoichi, Ino Yamanaka, both girls unable to move by the end of the match.

I chuckle a little as I recall him telling me about it. He described them as two wild animals, and claimed he'd never seen two girls fight like that before. I had to laugh at him because clearly he's never known female rivalry before. We're vicious creatures when we want to be.

The apartment is quiet when there's nobody here. Not that I'm complaining, this is all I've been wanting since Kakashi asked Yugao to pretty much babysit me. I guess I just wish I were out watching the final round and not stuck inside like this. But Kakashi should be here...

I look at the clock and realize the final rounds started almost an hour ago. _Did he forget about me?_ I groan, pushing myself to my feet and praying that I don't miss my pupils' fights. When I get to the door and into the outdoor hallway, someone comes out of the shadows. It's Yugao, dressed in full ANBU uniform, mask and all.

"Yugao, what are you-"

"Please, get back inside."

"What?"

She grabs my shoulder and leads me back in, closing the door behind her. She keeps her porcelain mask on and stands at the door, staring absently at me.

"Yugao, what's going on?"

She doesn't answer at first. In fact, she doesn't even move. I step forward and take her mask off to see the look on her face. She's terrified and it looks like she's been crying for a long time.

"Yugao..."

"P-please, you should go lie down. I don't want you to stress yourself out. Just, stay calm, okay?" she stutters as she pleads, trying to lead me to the bedroom but I stop her with a hand on her shoulder.

I've gone stone cold, eyes serious and voice firm. "Yugao, tell me what's going on, right now."

"I can't," she remarks, grabbing her porcelain mask and putting it back on. "You need to lie down."

"Says who? Whose orders are these?" I'm on edge, very frustrated that she's not being blunt with me. She lightly grabs my hand but I slap it away, face fuming in anger. "Tell me now."

She hesitates for a moment before letting go of a heavy breath. "Kakashi's."

At this, I push past her and open the door, storming into the outdoor hallway."He promised he'd let me come see the final rounds... he promised!"

Another ANBU appears in front of me. Now I'm surrounded, Yugao behind and someone else in front. _What the hell, Kakashi! This is extensive._

"What the hell is this!" I exclaim. I know I have no chance against these two, not in my... _erm, condition._ I huff, crossing my arms and turning back to Yugao. Suddenly there's sound of an explosion in the distance and I whip my head, watching as black flames rise high into the sky like a mushroom cloud. Then, there's a purple barrier that goes high into the sky. I turn to Yugao, eyes a flame. "Yugao..."

"Let's go back inside, Ayame. Come on, I'll tell you inside."

I can feel my chest getting heavier as we walk back into the apartment and she closes the door behind us, locking it. I stand in the kitchen, waiting anxiously for her to speak. After a long sigh, she finally does. And I almost wish she didn't.

"It's Lord Hokage."

"W-What?? What about him?"

"He's fighting Orochimaru."

 _Orochimaru. I've heard that name before... No, I think I completed an investigation on him when I was in ANBU..._ He's one of the legendary sannin, alongside Tsunade and Jiraiya... Uncle Hiruzen's ex students... But if I recall correctly, he went rogue and joined the Akatsuki many years ago before suddenly disappearing from the face of the planet.

"Yugao..." I mutter, as my legs begin to shake beneath me. They collapse but she catches me before I hit the ground. The tears are already falling down my face. "Uncle Hiruzen..." I mutter, mind racing.

* * *

Kakashi stands beside me at my uncle's funeral, with Asuma on the right alongside Kurenai. The three genin stand to Kakashi's left. I can see Ebisu and Iruka along the front row as well, standing with my nephew. Iruka kneels down and places a shoulder on the weeping child's shoulder. I've never paid Konohamaru much mind until now. I guess it takes losing someone to realize the true value of family. Now, I will pledge to cherish family like it might disappear, because it really might. Life is limited, and you can never foresee if someone might lose theirs unexpectedly.

The tears slide down my cheeks and Kakashi's expression matches mine, though he doesn't cry. Kakashi doesn't cry in public, that's just the way he is. I wonder if he will cry tonight when we get home, or if he'll put up a strong facade because he feels like he needs to be strong for me.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and look over to see Tenzo.

Almost the whole village is attending the Hokage's funeral. Everyone is mourning him, but nobody is hurting quite as much as I am.

There are so many things I wanted to say to him. So many things I'd wished we could have done.

We were just starting to get along...

I hold my round stomach and try to ignore the terrible feeling forming, knowing he will never know his grandchild.

Before I know it, the ceremony is over and people have begun to taper out. My mind is just blank—numb—as I continue to stare straight ahead at the picture frame perched on the stone grave.

"Come on," someone whispers, placing a hand on my shoulder and giving it a soft squeeze. It's Kakashi, and his eyes are full of empathy. "Let's go home."

Time goes slow in the weeks to follow. Kakashi has been sent on back-to-back missions while the village tries to recuperate from Orochimaru's attack and the Hokage's sudden death. Left without a Hokage, the council is working hard to find another one but it's never an easy task.

I choose to stay at home this time, because going out is worse. Going out means pity looks from others. It means people constantly giving me their condolences, even strangers. And it means doing something other than lying in bed, curled up in a tight ball around my jutting stomach.

On the rare occasion Kakashi stops home, it's often only for a night and he's always too exhausted from his missions to spend quality time with me. I don't blame him, these times aren't easy for anyone. He tells me one night that there are rumors of the legendary Tsunade Senju, granddaughter of the first Hokage, stepping up as the Fifth.

"I hope so," I reply as he massages my feet. "The village needs a Hokage, we can't stay vulnerable like this."

"Hm," Kakashi agrees, and I see he's struggling to stay awake. I pull my feet away and order him to go to sleep and be obliges, climbing in beside me and wrapping his strong arms around me. He holds one hand on my jutting stomach while the other arm rests comfortably under my neck. His warm breath tickles the back of my neck until sleep finds us both.

I wake in the morning to Kakashi shifting, trying to remove his arm from under me without waking me. I groan, rolling over so we're face to face.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" he asks, freeing his arm and caressing my face.

"Mhm, it's okay. Where are you going?" I murmur with a hoarse morning voice. I notice the room is still dark, the sun hasn't even risen yet.

"A mission."

I groan again, leaning forward to kiss his nose. He takes me by the back of the head and nestles me into the space between his chin and neck. "Only three days this time," he says, running his fingers through my knotted hair. "Once Lady Tsunade takes over as Hokage, things will start to calm down again. I promise. Now sleep," he says, pulling back and kissing my forehead before rolling out of bed and quickly changing. He leaves without another word and I roll back over and fall once more into a deep sleep.

When I get up again, I decide once and for all to leave the house and get some fresh air. It can't be good for the baby, staying locked up all the time.

The streets are buzzing with people but I don't see many shinobi around. It's just as Kakashi said, all the shinobi are being utilized in this time of vulnerability and uncertainty. I spot the little black-haired pipsqueak and sneak up on him from behind.

"Sasuke," I say, grabbing his shoulder. He grunts in pain and I remove my hand, watching as he holds his shoulder with his own hand. I narrow my brows, watching the boy carefully as he avoids my eye. "What's that?" I prod at the hem of his shirt, trying to bring the strange, black mark into view.

"What, Kakashi hasn't told you?" he answers with attitude, pulling away from me. I open my mouth to speak but no words come out. _What is he talking about?_ "It's a bruise, I'm fine, leave me alone," he mutters, starting to walk away. I run ahead and step in front of him. He grimaces.

"No, he didn't tell me. How'd you get it?" I ask firmly, as I stare at the three-pronged mark. It's surrounded by some sort of sealing jutsu, signifying that it's no bruise... "How did you get the curse mark, Sasuke?" I grumble, a whispered growl. 

Again, the genin avoids my eyes but I persist.

"Orochimaru. During the second round in the Forest of Death."

I narrow my eyes, even more angry at this Orochimaru man. Not only did he kill my uncle but he left a nasty curse mark on my beloved pupil. I swear I will kill that bastard snake some day.

"Does it hurt?" I murmur, approaching him tentatively and reaching to pull his collar away to get a better look at it.

"I said I'm fine!" he exclaims, slapping my wrist. I recoil, staring at the onyx-eyed boy in shock. His eyes are darker than usual, they've lost the little glow they had left. All I see now is hatred and dark desire. I watch as he pounces off, completely disregarding me.

I feel like a failure of a sensei. I couldn't train Sakura enough to get her through to the finals. I can't even get through to my pupil, while he basks in his unending hatred and need for revenge.

I guess a lot has happened since I last spent time with my genin. I can't really help it, in my condition. And with Kakashi worrying about me so much, constantly putting me on bed-rest; I've missed out on so much.

That evening, Sakura appears at my door. She comes in crying, saying she didn't know where else to go. I sit her down while I get her some water, but she's sobbing so hard she can barely talk, let alone drink.

"Shh, take a breath and talk to me," I whisper, rubbing circles on her back. She wipes her tears and looks at me with her large, green eyes.

"It-It's- Sa-Sa-Sasu-ke-kun..." she says through whimpers. I furrow my brows and purse my lips together, tight. 

"What about Sasuke?" I ask, kneeling down and looking up at her, hands on her shoulders. She continues to rub her eyes as she struggles to talk.

"Oh, A-Ayame-Sensei!" She breaks down again and I go grab her a box of tissues. _The dude better not have broken this poor girl's heart,_ I think as I hand her a tissue and she blows her nose into it. _Though it wouldn't surprise me, considering the mood he was in earlier._

"You know Sakura, Sasuke is a troubled boy. I'm sure whatever he said, he didn't really mean. He was acting strange even to me earlier. He's gone through a lot, you know..." I say as I try to console the pink-haired girl. She looks up at me from behind the tissue and more water wells in her big, green eyes.

"S-Sensei," she mutters. "Sasuke-kun left, I tried to stop him. He said he had to pursue his goal and left," she tries to hold it together but breaks again and continues to cry over her lost teammate. I take a deep breath and sprint to the bedroom to grab my things. My jonin vest doesn't fit over my stomach anymore but I grab my weapons pouch with my knuckle blades and tie it around my waist. When I get back out to the living area, Sakura looks up at me with terrified eyes. "W-where are you going, Sensei?"

"Stay here," I whisper, walking past her swiftly and leaving the apartment. I make my way to the village gate and start to head out of the village but someone jumps down in front of me, stopping me in my tracks.

"Lady Tsunade has already issued a search team," a voice says, and it's none other than Tenzo, all suited up in ANBU uniform. I sigh, furrowing my brows and looking into the dense forests behind him.

"Lady Tsunade is already here?"

"She arrived early, just a few hours ago. She's got a lot on her plate, with Lee in the hospital and Sasuke leaving the village. Just do her this one favor and go home. She doesn't need Kakashi scolding her for letting you escape in this condition."

Tenzo nods his head down to my stomach and I take it in my hand, rubbing it with sad eyes. "I'm a failure, Tenzo. I let him leave like that. I should have done more. I should have _made_ him listen to me and convinced him not to leave."

The ANBU slumps his shoulders slightly, signifying his empathy. Though I can't see my friend's face, I know he feels my pain. Again, he glances down at my large baby bump.

"Don't worry, she sent ANBU after him. Just go and rest."

 _Go rest._ Those are words I am so damn sick of, I wish I could strangle everyone who tells me that. I'm pregnant, not ill. But I nod, knowing I'm definitely not in a condition to take on Tenzo right now, and head back into the apartment.

I set Sakura up on the couch, because it's too late to take her home at this point, before heading to bed myself. I wish there was more that I could do, but I know I need to trust Tenzo and the others. I need to leave this in the ANBU's hands, however hard it may be.

I still feel like Sasuke is my personal responsibility, even though this matter was out of my hands long ago, as soon as Orochimaru became involved. I wish Kakashi were home because I'm not feeling particularly well tonight. My stomach feels funny, like I might throw up, and I wish Kakashi were here to soothe my whirling thoughts. 

I tend to throw up when I am particularly worried and stressed.

In the morning, I make a small breakfast for Sakura but am still feeling off so I skip it. She eats before going home all teary-eyed.

Evening comes and I still haven't heard word from Tenzo or anyone about Sasuke. I can only hope and pray that my pupil is okay, that he comes back in one piece— _that he comes back at all._

I know all about Sasuke's need for revenge. I know about the massacre; I was one of the ANBU on the case right after it happened. I had to walk those streets and see all the dead bodies—men, women, and children—who were all slaughtered by one man named Uchiha Itachi. I had to listen as Yugao found a single survivor, Itachi's little brother, and watch as the child grew up with all of it—his entire clan and its horrible fate—weighing on his tiny, lone shoulders.

And now, here I am, watching as that child leaves the village, seeking out that demon of a snake Orochimaru and seeking revenge on his older brother. What a terrible path to be on, and there's nothing I can do to help him. He's beyond my reach now. He's beyond anyone's reach.

I fall into a dreamless sleep that night, hand clutching my belly. Only one thought comes to mind right now. This baby. I need to make sure this baby knows it's loved and never goes down a path like that. 

I need to love this baby with everything I've got.

* * *

I turn on the shower and step in weakly. I've been taking it easy so I don't understand why I've been feeling so weak today. Maybe I am sick, after all. It would explain the stomach pains these last couple of days.

Or maybe it's stress, considering everything that's going on.

Knowing Kakashi will be home soon from his mission, I ignore it for now and try to soothe myself with a hot shower. I hold my belly with one hand as I step in and feel the hot water roll over my body. With the other hand, I use the side of the shower for balance.

Suddenly, there's a wave of pain so bad I cry out. I have to grab hold of the wall with both hands, otherwise I would fall. The wave runs through me again and I grunt, grabbing my belly with one hand and wincing. I hear the front door of the apartment open but the pain is so bad I can't even speak.

When I open my eyes again, there's red. A scream escapes my lips and I watch with blurred vision as the red trails down my leg and into the drain. Falling to the shower floor, I clutch my stomach with both hands and cry out.

"No! No! No!"

There's a knock on the bathroom door and they try to open it but it's locked.

 _"No-hoh!"_ The indecipherable wail escapes my lungs in a frenzy as more red runs down the drain. The water continues to fall but all I can do is sit here. Pain fills my entire body, and not just from the earlier waves. A different kind of hurt. Emotional hurt. It feels like my heart has shattered. Like the feeling when your foot misses a step on the stairs, and for one fleeting moment you fall and your heart drops into your stomach momentarily.

But this is more than just a moment. It feels like an eternity. It feels like hell.

"Aya! Open up!" Kakashi yells, voice a panic, before be starts picking at the lock.

I sob, bending my head up so the water from the shower falls in my eyes and travels down my nose and throat creating a burning sensation but paying no mind to it, because the only thing my mind is focused on right now is the terrible color going down the drain, and I can't bare to look at it anymore. 

The color of blood. Pain. Heartache. _Death._

"What's wrong-" he starts to say as he pulls the shower curtain back, but his voice cuts out and his breath catches in his throat when he sees it. My head is still hanging back, letting the water fall hot onto my face as I cry out something indecipherable, over and over and over again.

My mind races. _It's over. My baby is gone. No, dead. My baby is dead. My baby died before it even got a chance at living._

Kakashi steps into the shower in his clothes, not even bothering to turn it off. He climbs in with me and sits down, pulling me into his arms. I fall, weakly, and he holds me. Maybe it's the water, but I think he cries too. I can see it in his eyes. His hair droops under the weight of the water and drips down onto my face as I bury my head into his vest, sobbing.

Suddenly, I feel selfish for ever thinking of the child as simply my own. Even though it shared the DNA of a different man, Kakashi was still just as invested as I was. I know now that he thought of it as his own child. 

_I've lost his child. Oh god, I've just lost his child. What good am I? What have I done?_

"I'm sorry..." I mutter, voice hitching terribly in my throat, "I'm so sorry-" He cups my face in both hands, forcing me to look at him. His eyes are wide open, pleading and sad.

"This is not your fault," he whispers, and I can hear the pain in his voice too. I let him hold me for a while and eventually he reaches up and turns the shower off. But we don't move. For a long time, we just sit here, neither of us able to do much more.

Soon I start to shiver, the cold air hitting my bare body. Kakashi takes his jonin vest off and wraps it around me, because we both know we'll be sitting here a while. 

I can't get up, I'm not ready. And he won't get up until I'm ready.

So we just sit in dead silence.


	24. XXIV ~ Now and For Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a long one for you all. I couldn't find a good way to keep it short while fitting everything I wanted in it and it didn't seem right to split it into two chapters. So here is my thank you to y'all for being such supportive readers, in the form of a 5000+ word chapter!
> 
> Life is busy, so chapters will be a bit longer coming out. My sincerest apologies, though I'm glad so many of you have been along for the ride this long and will continue to support this story. I love all of you!!
> 
> Alas, enjoy.

We keep the ceremony small on purpose. Still, I can't help but notice the people who are missing.

Sasuke. The pupil I let go. The hurting boy I couldn't get through to. Naruto and Sakura sit in the front row, smiling softly. But I know they feel it too—Sasuke's absence. We all do.

Asuma notices me looking longingly at the empty seat beside my two pupils and squeezes my shoulder. "Don't blame yourself, sis. This is _your_ day, you should be allowed to enjoy it."

I look up at my brother, tears starting to form on my inner eyes beside my nose, but he wipes them away before they can fall.

"Our father wouldn't have wanted you to cry on your wedding day, Ayame. Do him that honor and smile."

A bittersweet smile is all I can manage as Asuma walks me down the aisle.

And then I see him, all dressed up in his best clothes and voluminous, white hair falling softly over his forehead. He keeps the scarred eye closed, and his single grey eye doesn't leave my brown ones. And even though there are countless sets of eyes starting at us intently, it feels like we are the only two people in the world.

I can't help but smile. Genuinely and wholly. True happiness fills me from head to toe as I take slow steps toward the man I get to spend the rest of my life with.

It's a strange feeling because it already feels like we've spent a lifetime together, with all that we've gone through. But now I am able to see that our lives are only just beginning. And though there's heartache in our pasts, there's plenty of hope in our future.

I reach the front and step up onto a small platform, and our fingers find each other's, intertwining tenderly. He wears a black mask, of course. But I can see it so clearly in his eyes that he is smiling. I've learned to pick up on that stuff—to read his lone eye. That eye is the window to this man's soul. One that has been broken and repaired countless times. One in which he keeps the curtain closed more often than not. But today, for me, it is wide open.

 _Hope._ That's what I feel when I look into the silver-haired man's eye. Never in a million years did I ever think I would marry the cold-captain, but here I am. It's bittersweet because of everything we've been through, but comforting to know that I don't have to carry that pain alone.

And when I look out once more to the missing seat beside our genin, I feel hope instead of sadness. Hope that one day, it will be once again be three.

But now is not the time to mourn or bask in regrets. This is my wedding day, after all.

"You are beautiful," he mutters. I feel myself flush a soft pink as a tiny smile tugs the corners of my lips. Even with a little bit of fat left over from the stillbirth—in which I tried desperately to hide under this ever so tight dress—he still calls me beautiful. Even with the little black circles under my eyes—remnants of my lack of sleep over these last few weeks—that Yugao and I tried and tried to cover up but failed to completely hide, he still wants _me,_ just as I am.

"And you're crazy for wanting to marry me. I'll never stop believing that," I mutter, so nobody but he can hear. He snickers softly, closing his eyes and smirking pleasantly under the black mask.

He whispers, so quiet it's barely audible, "No, I'm the luckiest man on earth to get to call you mine. Now shut up, this is our wedding. We shouldn't be talking."

I try to hold it in but fail miserably, and burst out laughing, contorting strangely in the process. I can feel people looking on me strangely, but I don't care. In this moment, I'm so filled with complete, blinding love for this man that nobody else matters. When I finally get a hold of myself, the ceremony begins.

We keep it mostly traditional, except for the kiss. When Kakashi is told to kiss his bride, we run down the aisle and past the curtain into the bride's change room where no eyes can see.

He didn't want to kiss me in front of the small audience, even through the mask. It's sweet actually, how self-conscious he is. He told me the reason he doesn't take the mask off is because he looks too much like his father. I never knew his father, but I know the enemy mistakes him as the White Fang even with the mask, so I can only imagine how similar they must have looked.

I know there's more to the mask than just his father, though, because he's worn it since he was a child, when his father was still alive. And if it were really just fear of being mistaken as his father, he would feel comfortable removing the mask in front of his close friends, who know he is _not_ his father.

I won't grill him about it. At least I get to appreciate and take in his beautifully crafted face, that strong jawline and those perfect lips. It's almost like I get him all to myself. It's sort of thrilling, actually, the idea that I get to see this part of him that nobody else does.

He doesn't hesitate to pull his mask down, but doesn't rush either.

We both want this moment to be special. To be ours. One we can remember. One we can look back on in hard times and recall this moment we tied our lives together.

He strokes my cheek tenderly, his soft grey eye trailing my skin alongside his thumb. His thumb finds my lips and scrapes them softly before pulling me into him. His lips are warm, tender. Slowly, delicately, he kisses me. I wrap both arms around his neck and he holds me at the waist.

When we pull back, he presses his forehead to mine. Little white locks fall between our eyes. He really should get a haircut.

"I love you, Ayame Sarutobi Hatake."

When he says this, I flush a deep red. We hadn't talked about me taking his name but hearing it from his lips like this fills me with a certain kind of joy unlike any other. And he left my surname in there, as if acknowledging my lineage and how much it means to me. Oh, how I love this man with my entire being. I love him so much it almost hurts, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

"Mrs. and Mr. Hatake, huh?" I say, poking him softly on the nose with the tip of my finger. I pull his mask up for him before taking his hand in mine. "I like it."

Another soft smile and his hand finds mine without breaking the eye contact. "Good," he whispers, kissing my temple before leading us out of the room.

When we re-emerge from behind the curtain, everyone cheers. I see my ANBU friends all standing straight, clapping and smiling kindly. When I pass Yugao on the way to the door, I pull away from Kakashi to hug her tightly.

She hugs back, shaking a little. I know how much she's hurting. She lost the love of her life as recently as I lost my Uncle and father-figure. We're both hurting, but at least I have someone to fall back on. I wish more than anything I could bring Hayate back to her, but I don't have those kinds of powers.

Nobody does.

"Congratulations," she says. The sadness I expected in her voice is minimal. I pull back from our hug and look her in the eyes, and I can see the teenager-ish look in her eyes. Suddenly, she's like a teenager in the body of an adult. "Mrs. and Mr. Cold-Captain," she mutters deviously.

All those years we spent complaining about the 'cold-captain' and now here I am, marrying him. I read her thoughts: _Who would've ever thought?_ Yugao smirks and I smirk back, giving her a slight shake of my head in both approval and friendly annoyance at her comment.

"Now go, don't keep the man waiting."

I turn back to my husband, and our fingers intertwine again. As we leave, I wave back at everyone as they continue to cheer us on.

"I'm glad we didn't push the wedding back any more," I say, swinging his arm like a child as we walk by the river and bridge he proposed to me on many, many months ago.

"Is that so?" he asks, looking at me sidelong. I was hesitant to go forward with a wedding, with everything that was going on, but he insisted. He claimed we'd been putting it off long enough and we both needed a refresh. A new start. And a honeymoon, of course.

I smile up at him and huff as our linked arms continue to swing. It's so unlike him to allow me to hold his hand like this in public. I guess today is the exception. We're both feeling truly happy for the first time in a long time.

That's exactly why I ended up agreeing to go on with the wedding despite everything that's happened. At first, we were supposed to have it right after the Chunin Exams, but then there was my Uncle's death, and Sasuke leaving, and Kakashi got so busy with missions... _and then the miscarriage._

It took a toll on us both, but we ultimately decided to just go on with it, because everyone needed a little bit of happiness right now.

There was no point in waiting until the time was right. As we both know, the time is never really right. Nothing in this broken world is completely perfect, and we're learning that that's okay.

We get through it. I get through it with Kakashi's help and he with mine.

Now and for forever, life goes on.

* * *

As we head towards the village gates, our bags on our backs, we both say goodbye to this hurting, healing village. So much has happened here these last many months, and I'm happy to let it go for just a few weeks.

Sakura and Naruto see us off. Sakura tells me all about her plans to train under the new Hokage, Lady Tsunade herself. Naruto has mentioned future plans to go on a journey with the legendary Jiraiya and train with him.

It really, truly feels like a new beginning unlike any other. As we leave, waving goodbye to our pupils, I hold Kakashi's hand tighter. It's only three weeks, and we really do need the break, but I still can't help but miss this place already.

"Progress," Kakashi mutters. I turn and look at him strangely.

"Huh?" I mutter. "Whaddo you mean?"

"You're missing the village already," he says, staring at me sidelong, a knowing look looming in his eye.

"Yeah, so?"

"Two months ago you couldn't even look out the window at the village."

I take a deep breath and let it go. "Oh," I whisper. He squeezes my hand and stops in his tracks, turning to look at me.

"And now you're missing it when we've barely even left. It's progress."

My brows furrow in as I look up at my husband with loving eyes.

"You're right," I whisper. "A new beginning, Anata." His ears perk a bit when I refer to him like that, and a soft smile crawls onto his features. _(Anata, meaning 'You'. A word used between spouses. Like 'darling' or 'dear'.)_

Here's to new beginnings. Here's to moving from the past and hoping for the future. Here's to the man who stands by my side through it all.

* * *

The moon rises, shining brightly through the window and casting a blue shadow over the thin sheets conforming to our mangled bodies.

The inn feels so unfamiliar. And despite our soak in the private hot springs earlier, I still can't help but feel a little cold, even as our bodies radiate and share their heat.

"Kakashi," I whisper. He doesn't crack his eyes open but I know he hears me because he snorts a little, shifting tiredly. It must be the middle of the night. I just can't sleep. This bed feels to different than our bed in the Leaf Village. It's been so long since I've slept in a bed other than our own. "Kaka-"

Suddenly, he rolls over me, eyes springing open. I stare up at him wide eyed and he chuckles softly under his breath.

"What? It's the middle of the night, you know."

I giggle, "I know, but I'm cold and I can't sleep."

His eyes grow warm and fill with a certain longing. One I know and recognize. One all-too familiar to me. One I got so used to seeing last night.

"Maybe I can help you with that..." he breaths, planting soft kisses all over my neck and jaw. His hand finds my waist and I shiver under his familiar, warm touch.

"I- just wanted to-" his lips cut me off, planting warmly against my own. I take him in. Every part of him. Every breath. Every touch. Every feeling. When he pulls away, I finish my sentence sheepishly, "-take a hot shower."

At this, his eyes light up. I snicker at this perverted man's remark, "A _hot_ shower, you say?" he rumbles. "Have you been reading my books?"

At this, the pervert earns himself a light slap on the cheek. Then he just nuzzles his face in my neck, groaning tiredly. "No, baka. But..."

His head whips up and he looks at me wide-eyed, his ears perking back and white hair falling crazily over his face. In this moment, he looks almost child-like and I can't help but laugh. He tries to finish my sentence for me, "...but you're not against it? I can lend them to you and-"

I cut him off, placing a finger over his lips and giving him a look that takes him by surprise.

I surprise even myself with the words that escape my lips next, so unlike anything I would ordinarily ever say. _But what can I say? This man changes me. He compels me in ways I never would've imagined._

"Maybe you should just show me instead."

His expression changes so suddenly before he lifts me right off the bed and carries me to the shower, "Your wish is my command, Mrs. Hatake."

And he showsme things that I won't ever forget.

* * *

"Oh, please! Can we get dango, just this once?" I tug at his shirt like a child would. He looks mildly irritated but holds it together well.

"Aya, all we've eaten are sweets this trip. And you know I don't like sweets."

I slump, putting on my best pouty-face. "I know, but even the Leaf Village doesn't have dango like this. The dango's always better in hot-spring towns, you know!"

"Hm?" he rumbles, amusement creeping into his voice. "Is that so?" I'm a bit relieved that he isn't genuinely mad at me. How could he be? We're on our honeymoon. I know he's over the moon by the way he walks easily and lets his guard down, which is something he's never quite able to do in the Leaf Village. He's seen too much, experienced too much there. The place is practically a moving, evolving museum of his past. Every alley, every graveyard and memorial, every building has some connection to his past. I know by the way his eyes wander and catch on things whenever we are walking through the village. He's never quite relaxed and always on edge, mind wandering.

But here, he seems free. Here, there's nothing to connect him to his past. All he has here are the hot-springs and his brand new wife. The two things he loves most in the world, he says. Though I know he loves those books of his too, he'd just never admit that aloud. I'm sure the books are top three.

As we roam the small hot-spring town, I point out little gift shops and restaurants. He nods at each one, but isn't really paying much attention. His eyes are focused solely on me, and filled with admiration, which fills my gut with the quaintest butterflies.

"Hey, let's get out of here," I mutter suddenly. The looming look leaves his eyes as he furrows those silver brows of his.

"What?"

"Let's leave. Let's go somewhere else. I know you don't really care about the town itself. So let's go."

Now his loom is completely replaced by pure confusion. "Aya, what do you mean? I thought you wanted to come here. A small hot-spring town on the outskirts of Konoha. That was _your_ wish, remember?"

I smirk, shrugging in the process. "Yeah, well, I've seen it and we've done the hot-springs every night since we got here. It's getting repetitive. Let's go explore."

His brow perks at this, and he looks at me like I have two heads or an extra eye or something.

"Ex...plore?"

I snort softly, taking his hand and guiding him to the edge of the small town, "You know, the thing where people go to unknown places to discover new things..." I remark sarcastically.

"But what about our-"

"We can come back for our bags. We still have the room for another couple nights. Relax, Anata. It's not very often we get to just do whatever we want, no responsibilities, no missions..." At this, he relaxes a little, his interwoven fingers lessening their grip on mine. He watches me curiously as we leave the town and emerge into the surrounding forests.

A bird chirps in a nearby tree and another one answers it in the distance.

"This is where we met, you know."

"What-" he pauses for a moment, looking around at the surrounding forest. "No, we met on the outskirts of the Land of Stone. This is closer to Wind country."

"That's not what I mean, silly. I meant we met in a forest like this. You saved me, remember?"

"Hm," he nods, as if just recalling it, but I can see in his eyes that he remembers every detail like it was yesterday.

"You always act like you _didn't_ totally stalk me for like ten years."

His ears go pink and he goes still as a scarecrow, eyes wide as he just stares down at me, unsure of what to say. Suddenly, I giggle and wrap my arms around his neck, getting on my tiptoes as I lose myself in his soft, grey eye.

"I'm glad for it," I mutter.

"Really?" he counters, furrowing his brows in embarrassment. "Because a lot of people thought it was creepy. Me being your captain and having a crush on you and all. Tenzo was really the only one who supported it."

"And Yugao," I mention. "And you didn't _start_ liking me as your captain."

Again, his ears go a light shade of pink before he softens.

"So he told you," Kakashi mutters.

I huff from my nose, a smile creeping on my face. "We both know Tenzo isn't one to keep his mouth shut. Especially when it comes to other people's love-lives."

Kakashi mirrors my huff, resembling a horse a bit with his own nostril snuff. "When will he ever find his own love life to meddle with?"

I laugh a little reaching up to kiss him on the nose before continuing to walk. He follows behind me before catching up and walking beside.

"So where are we going?" he mutters, looking lazily into the forested distance.

"You'll see."

I lead him to a small lake, one I remember from one of my oldest missions as a genin. There's a tiny farming town nearby but the lake is usually mostly vacant, with the exception of the ducks and birds. The waterfall, if I recall correctly, is small but beautiful, falling so perfectly over slick rocks and creating uneven mini-waterfall currents which sprout from a single water source, the river that leads from the small farm town.

The farmers and villagers don't come to the waterfall lake often, since they have the river to draw their water from. It was a perfect place for three genin and a jonin sensei to set up camp while completing D-ranked missions in the nearby farm town.

"So you came here when you were a kid?"

I nod, though I will admit I don't remember it all that well, other than the waterfall and lake. The town itself was small and insignificant to my little genin brain—the one that cared only about completing those dumb missions to one day get into ANBU.

I lost good years of my life because of my stringent focus on ANBU. Like I didn't really allow myself a proper childhood.

I know when I have a child some day, I'm going to ensure they get to live like a child as long as they want to, no stringent expectations other than to be a good person and follow their heart.

"The villagers don't use the lake because they have the river to draw from. I figured we could set up camp tonight and sleep under the stars. Would you like that?"

He looks to me and nods, eyes narrowing in the slightest, signifying a slight smile which is hidden behind the mask.

"I would love that," he whispers, giving my hand a squeeze. As we get closer to the stream and waterfall, we start to hear it. Not only the flowing water, but also the birds. It's a perfect lake for ducks to live by because of the farms just up ahead to steal food from.

We get to the water's edge and look out on the small lake.

"Aya," Kakashi mutters.

"Isn't it beautiful?"

"Yes, but we don't have our bags."

I turn back to him, eyes going wide. How could I be so dumb? Of course we'd need our bags because our tent is in them. The sun is already beginning to set, and by the time we get back to the hot-springs town, morning would be soon approaching.

All I can do now is laugh because of how stupid I am and how utterly hilarious this situation is. I see Kakashi smirking too.

"We'll have to make a make-shift shelter from sticks and leaves, like we learned in ANBU," he says, "Though you won't be able to see the stars like you'd wished."

"It's okay," I mutter, wrapping my arm around his torso as we look out upon the glowing orange lake. Tonight, the sunset doesn't feel so dreadful. Kakashi's arm wraps around my shoulder too. "I'll already have the best view in this whole world, right in the shelter with me," I say with a hint of suggestion erring in my voice.

"Flattering," Kakashi mutters with a smirk, heading into the forest to gather sticks. I inhale deeply, taking in the fresh, night air before following shortly after him, gathering as many large branches and leaves as I can.

When the shelter is made, and we're finally cuddled up inside, I can't help but notice the smell.

"Anata, you should go wash off in the lake. You smell like ass."

He snorts a bit as he shifts, pushing up into a sitting position. "So do you. That's what sweaty shelter-making and a day of travelling does to you."

"Pfft," I mutter, climbing out into the moonlit night. The air is chilly but I couldn't care less. I start pulling my shirt off right as Kakashi is emerging from the shelter. He stops in his tracks, staring up at me like I'm some foreign creature. His eyes reflect the moonlight and he opens his scarred one too, which glows a faint red in this dull light. "Perv," I mutter with a grin, sliding my bottoms off too. Left in my undergarments, he fully emerges and gets to his feet.

"Am I not allowed to admire my hot wife?" he counters, quickly closing the distance between us.

"Of course, but the sharingan? Really? You're quite the-" I'm unable to finish my sentence as the breath catches in my lungs. He pulls his shirt off, tossing it into the grass beside us.

I've seen him shirtless many times. God knows I've seen him even more naked than shirtless. But tonight, with the way the moon shines and casts shadows across him, the way he looks lovingly at me with _both_ eyes, mismatched as they may be, I find myself struggling to think straight.

My whole body feels warm, despite how chilly I know it is outside.

"Hm?" he hums, "I'm quite the what?"

I open my mouth to speak but no words find me. "I- uh..."

Like a beautifully choreographed dance, he closes the last tiny bit of distance between us and kisses me under the moonlight. Soft, at first, then more needy. His joggers come off until we're both in our undergarments and making our way into the lake. The water feels so warm... or maybe that's just me. Probably just me.

My hands are in his hair as our lips dance like two partners who've danced together their whole lives. Equally absentminded to the chill of the night, he pulls me closer to him, until there is no water left between us.

He doesn't break for breath as his hands travel up my spine to unclasp my bra.

He does break for breath to tell me something, though.

"I love you," he breathes, his forehead pressed against mine and lips just inches away. He unclasps the final clasp and my bra falls softly into the water.

"I love you," I echo ghost-like, brows furrowing as I breathe heavily, chest heaving in and out as I try and catch my breath from the prior kiss. A cold, wet hand from under the water emerges and finds my face, before running a few fingers through my brown locks while the other travels to parts of my body hidden by the water.

"I'm sorry we couldn't pitch a tent-"

I cut him off with a kiss, "Don't talk," I say as I pull back momentarily, fingers wrapped tightly around his neck. "I don't care about the damn tent. It's you I care about."

This earns an amused huff as he hoists me up and I wrap my legs around his waist, clinging to him. Fingers tease the hem my panties until he's pulling them off, then he stops suddenly, pulling me away from him and looking over my shoulder into the distance. I throw my head into his chest and groan, begging him to keep going.

"No," he whispers, eyes still locked on the other side of the moonlit lake. "Take a look..."

I huff as I start to turn around, "Really, what could be so important-"

Then I see it. I would have stopped too. On the other bank, there's a figure perched on a small rock. It's hard to really see which way they're facing in this darkness. I turn back to Kakashi, eyes wide as he reads my thoughts and opens his sharingan eye, taking a better look at the figure.

"It's a woman, I think. She's not facing us. She's looking the other way, at the farm village in the distance."

When I pull away for good, sighing a little at this lost moment, I search for my bra. It must've floated away.

"Kakashi, can you help me find it?"

"Find what?" he mutters. His eyes are still locked on the strange woman.

"My bra. I think it may have floated or sank... god, I can't see anything."

I search the bottom of the lake with my feet and cringe at the slimy rocks under my toes.

"I can't find it anywhere-" just then, my foot slips on some algae and I fall backwards into the water. A screech escapes my lips just seconds before I plunge under the water. When I break through the surface again, I groan loudly. "Really, Kakashi, help me find it, please-"

"Shh," he mutters, getting low and pulling me down with him. We crouch in the water, only our heads showing above the water. Drips of cold lake water fall from my hair down my forehead and cheeks.

When I look back at the woman, I see her at the bank, taking slow steps into the water.

"What the fuck," I mutter. "This is creepy as hell. Let's get out of here-"

"Shh," Kakashi hushes me again, holding my shoulder to keep me down too. "I recognize her..."

"What?"

"No, no, not her. Her chakra. It's familiar... almost like..." He trails off as he watches the woman walk into the water with his bright sharingan eye.

I furrow my brows, squinting to try and see her better, but the dark of the night is no aid. To me, she's just a silhouette in shallow water.

"The hell are you talking about?"

"Her chakra flow..." Kakashi mutters inquisitively, partly to himself. "Where have I seen it before?"

I sigh again, looking once more for my bra. It must've sank to the bottom. For all I know, it's floated to the deeper part of the lake and is gone for good. _Damn it, I really liked that bra._

The woman goes no further than her knees, pacing back and forth and kicking the water, splashing the air while doing so. I start to wonder if she'll ever leave, and how Kakashi and I are gonna get out of here unnoticed. The last thing I want is to be spotted by one of the villagers, nearly naked in a lake with my husband. Kakashi left his mask in the shelter. He probably wants to be spotted about as much as I do.

Not to mention I don't have a damned bra anymore.

"I don't think she's noticed us," I whisper. Kakashi nods, agreeing with my statement, but continues to stay still, just staring at the woman. "Hey, how are we gonna get out unnoticed?"

"Her chakra... It's..."

"I get it, Kakashi, it's familiar. People share chakra types all over the Land of Fire. It shouldn't be a surprise to you at this point. Now how do we get-"

"That's it."

"What's it?"

"She's got the same chakra as Lord Third."

This statement very effectively silences me. I whip my head and look at the crazy silver-haired man with a crunched nose and furrowed brows. "What?"

"It's exactly the same."

Now I'm silent. I don't have a sharingan to see this strange woman's chakra flow but Kakashi's voice is earnest and bewildered, so I don't doubt it to be true.

"But, what does this mean...?"

"Lord Third... Your Uncle, and this lady... " he mutters, choosing his words wisely. "They have to be related somehow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you guys feel about fluff and stuff? I don't plan on writing an entire smut-based fic, but never feel satisfied cutting everything so short. Let me know in the comments. I'm not against a smut scene here or there but wanna know how y'all feel. If you don't answer, I'll just proceed my own way so speak now or forever hold your tongue! It's okay to be honest. You don't have to feel embarrassed for liking what you like (or not!)
> 
> Talk to me, yo! Or I have no way of knowing.
> 
> Love you all so so so much. Thanks for the continued support.
> 
> ~R


	25. XXV ~ The Woman

We sneak out of the water with a transformation jutsu, turning ourselves into ducks. Usually, I'd laugh at how ridiculous the situation is but Kakashi's recent realization is still looming in the front of my mind.

Does this woman really have the same chakra as my Uncle Hiruzen? How is that even possible?

I know that Uncle Hiruzen had more children, another child other than Asuma who joined ANBU and ended up having Konohamaru. Those family relations are unclear to me. All I know is she and her husband are ANBU captains. I don't know what an ANBU captain would be doing way out here on a night like this.

The only thing I know for _sure_ is that Hiruzen did have one other sister. My mother.

I shake my head, trying to push the thought of encountering my mother out here, while on my honeymoon, out of my head. She disappeared years ago and nobody really knows where she went or if she's even still alive.

"Hey," Kakashi murmurs, shifting his weight to be closer to me in this make-shift shelter. I can hear his heart beating in his chest. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tight. "Whoever she is, we'll deal with it in the morning, okay? There's nothing we can do right now. It's best not to approach her this late anyways."

I nod, closing my eyes and allowing his comfort and warmth to envelop me. Still, the thought doesn't leave my head. _What if this_ is _my mother? All these years later, am I about to finally meet her?_ And if it really is her, how should I act? Hell, how should I feel? Should I be mad at her for abandoning me all those years ago or should I be kind because she is my mother?

My brain continues to roll throughout the night, thoughts transforming into dreams and dreams into nightmares. I wake in the morning to the dewy smell of the morning forest and cool breeze. Kakashi is not beside me anymore.

When I crawl groggily out of the shelter, I momentarily regret leaving. The body heat we'd built up through the night was keeping the shelter pretty warm, and the harsh reality of the cold morning air hits me like a ton of bricks.

Kakashi is nowhere to be seen. I'd assumed he'd gotten up to bathe or sit outside so as not to wake me, but he appears to have disappeared. Sighing, I close my eyes and tiredly suppress my chakra, trying my best to take notice of all the other chakra signatures in a five-mile radius and seek out Kakashi's.

I notice his unmoving form to the east, about a hundred steps away. I'm about to stop suppressing my own chakra and go find him when I notice something faintly familiar in the distance. It's coming from the farm-town less than a mile upstream. This must've been the chakra Kakashi was noticing last night. It's so faint I can barely feel it, but unique enough to strike my interest. When I finally stop suppressing my chakra and let go, a wave of relief falls over me. I've never been very good at seeking out other peoples' chakra. It's a skill they made us learn in ANBU but it always exhausted me after just a single use and I could only recognize very distinct chakra signatures, of people that I've known for a long time.

That's partly why I find it so strange that I recognize this stranger's chakra from a mile away. It's almost like a half-way between Uncle Hiruzen's chakra and my own.

"This can't be," I mutter, mostly to myself, but my words made it to another's ears as he walks up behind and startles me. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't even notice him, despite the fact I had his chakra signature pinned just a few moments ago. Kakashi places a hand on my shoulder and pulls his headband back down over his sharingan.

"Ready to go check it out?" he asks, giving me an assuring squeeze on the shoulder. Wordlessly, I nod as my feet carry me forward.

People nod kindly to us as we pass through the town. These townspeople have relied on Konoha shinobi for decades and always welcome them with kindness and great hospitality. A few even linger on Kakashi himself, whispering among themselves things like _'is that the White Fang?' or 'He has to be that Sharingan guy, I've seen him in the bingo books'._ And now I finally understand Kakashi's desire for that mask of his.

I whisper for his ear only, "You've got quite the reputation."

He looks sidelong at me with an eye that speaks pure boredom, "That was my father. He became infamous after he sacrificed the mission for his comrades. Back then, that was one of the worst things a man could do, jeopardizing the village for one's friends. He was deemed a traitor, and if not for the kindness of the Hokage, he might have been tried for treason."

I furrow my brows to show my concern but he shrugs it off.

"I'm used to it."

As we continue to walk, I notice Kakashi closes his grey eye every now and then. No doubt opening his sharingan behind the headband to seek out the mysterious woman's familiar chakra nature again. He suddenly stops and I stop too, then watch as he opens his grey eye again and looks around.

I do the same but see nothing but empty buildings. Residences, no doubt. The villagers must all be out farming or in the center of town in the market area.

But Kakashi turns to one particular shack, modest and well-kept, before looking back at me.

"In there?" I ask, though I already know. The look in his eye confirms my suspicions. I take a deep breath, thoughts running rampant in my head.

_My mother could be in there. What will I say to her? How should I feel right now?_

"Are you sure you want to?" Kakashi whispers. "We could leave, you know. Pretend none of this ever happened. We don't have to tell anyone."

That exact thought has already crossed my mind a hundred times. It's one of the things that kept me up last night. But every time I consider that option, a very potent feeling guilt and regret creeps in. So I shake my head, letting go of his hand and taking a step forward. He stays close behind me as I reach for the door to knock.

This feels strangely familiar to the time I knocked on Hiruzen's door to ask him to act as my father at my wedding. A feeling of familiarity. Guilt. Hope. Pain. Nerves. All of the above. A terrible concoction of them all.

I knock quietly, three times, then step back and wait. The tension in the air is thick. I know Kakashi feels it too. He feels nervous _for_ me. Maybe it isn't my mother. Maybe the similar chakra nature is pure coincidence. It's rare, but it does happen.

After a few seconds, when there's no answer, I knock again.

"Are you sure this is the right one?"

Kakashi lifts his headband and opens his sharingan to be sure and nods. "She's just sitting there. I can see her chakra outline."

Suddenly, Kakashi takes a step back. The door opens slightly and a dark figure stands in the doorframe.

"Can I help you?" a woman's voice croaks. She sounds surprisingly young but her voice still cracks like that of an old woman's. I can't quite see her features, other than long hair and a frail, bony figure.

"Uh," I murmur, words failing to make it past my lips. I thought for hours about how I would feel if she was my mother but never what I should say to her to figure that out. Thankfully, Kakashi senses my anxiety through the pause and steps forward. To no surprise, he's covered his eye again.

"Hello," he starts, in a business-like voice. "We're from Konoha."

"I see that," the lady answers nonchalantly, waving to our headbands.

"Can we come in?" I ask, "Or can you come out?" God, the words sound worse out loud than they did in my head.

"What business do you have with me?"

"We want to ask-"

Kakashi cuts in, speaking with a strange err of confidence. He was always better at infiltration and disguise missions than I ever was; hence why he was Captain and I never even came close. "We're here on a mission from Lord Hokage, to survey the occupants of this farm town and get their opinions on a few things. May we come in?"

Not a second later, the door opens fully and we're motioned in tiredly. The inside is dark but once we're in, my eyes start to adjust. A small, single-room bungalow. Small but comfortable. One table, a chair, a bed. Floors made of dirt, but surprisingly clean.

The woman sits on the edge of the bed and offers us the single chair, of which Kakashi gestures for me to take. He stands behind me, hands resting on the back of the chair. He's tall for this small home; his voluminous swoop of silver hair almost touches the roof.

When I get a better look at the woman, I notice her hair is in fact brown, and her eyes are a soft hazel. Though I can't say I particularly recognize her from looks alone. In my dreams, she was always younger looking and had a strong, pointed jaw; like Hiruzen's. But in person she looks older, with crow's feet forming in the corners of her eyes and cheeks beginning to sag.

"I know you've not come all the way here for a survey," she says, crossing her arms in front of her. I feel my breath catch in my throat, though I don't really know why. She looks up at Kakashi and squints. "Now what is the son of the White Fang doing in my house? And who are you?" She asks, nodding her chin towards me. I shrivel down a bit, realizing she doesn't recognize her own daughter.

It dawns on me. Of course she doesn't. She left me when I was just a baby. She doesn't know what I look like.

Kakashi tilts his head, analyzing her. "How do you know who I am?"

The lady huffs before smirking, but her expression remains unreadable. I can't tell if she's a friend or an enemy right now.

"We hear things," she answers simply. "Word travels fast in this small village."

"Hm," Kakashi grunts in reply, and shoots me a look. She's lying, we both know that. Kakashi didn't sense another chakra signature in this direction at all since we entered the village, and he kept close attention on her chakra signature while we tried to find her.

When I've finally gathered my thoughts, I take my turn.

"You're right, we're not here on a mission from the Hokage. We're here for other reasons but saw you last night by the waterfall lake."

She nods, eyebrows slightly perched, "Obviously. And what concern is it to you? You're certainly allowed to camp by our lake but you have no right to prevent me from."

For a moment I wonder if she saw us and feel heat rise to my cheeks.

"What's your name?" I finally ask, though I think I already know the answer. Akaya. Akaya Sarutobi. That was my mother's name.

She sighs before standing up to pour some water for us, signifying she's a friend and not an enemy. I'm able to relax just a little.

"My name is Kyoka."

All that relaxation I felt just a moment ago disappears faster than it came.

For a moment, I don't say anything. I just stare at the woman and take the glass of water absentmindedly from her. Her eyes look suspiciously observant, like she knows something I don't.

"But-" Once again, the words don't make sense in my brain. There are a million thoughts scrambling in my tired mind.

Then I feel his hand on my shoulder, subtle yet comforting. I look up and meet his single grey eye.

"It could just be a coincidence, the similarity of her chakra nature. I'm sorry I got your hopes up Aya."

I look back at the woman who sits on the bed and sighs, sipping her water quietly while keeping her eyes low.

"No," I say, pushing my chair closer. "No, that can't be right. You have his chakra signature. Your eyes are hazel, like mine. And I know lots of people have brown hair but it can't be a coincidence that we both have all the exact same features."

I didn't even realize I was leaning forward in my chair until Kakashi lightly pulls me back.

"We should go," he whispers. "Come on, Ayame. Let's not dwell on it." He uses my full name, something he does seldom anymore. He usually refers to me by his shortened nickname for me, Aya. There's an edge in his voice that says he means it. "Let's go."

But I refuse to let this go. I refuse to allow this woman to screw me over again because somehow, I feel like she's either forgotten her own identity or is blatantly lying. It _has_ to be her.

"Akaya," I say pointedly, using my mother's real name, hoping to get some sort of reaction out of her. "I'm done with the lies. Please," I practically beg now, because I'm at my wit's end. "Don't do this again. Don't make yourself a stranger." I watch but still, she keeps her head low, holding onto the water glass with two frail hands.

Kakashi has taken my arm and is leading me out of the bungalow when I turn back one last time. Her head is down, she still has not looked up at me. Then, just as we're about to leave, she peeks up at me, tears in her crinkled eyes. She's finally cracked.

I tug and remove my arm from Kakashi's grasp and stand above the old woman as she looks up at me with eyes full of regret. She tries so hard to hide it, but I can see it clear as day. I know it so well because I've seen it on myself in the mirror a million times.

It's the same terrible look I have whenever I think about my abortion all those years ago.

"Mom?"

A single tear slides down her face and then she smiles. Bittersweet, because her eyes still speak of the pain and sadness and regret. Her tone speaks the same way as her expression, "I didn't want it to be like this, Ayame."

This moment is unlike anything I'd ever imagined. I feel Kakashi step up beside me and examine the woman once more, his thin brows furrowed as he tries to analyze the situation. I take his hand in mine and give it a squeeze.

"Mom," I say again, tears threatening one after another to fall from the corners of my eyes. I consider all the terrible words I've thought towards my mom throughout my lifetime. All the horrible curses and angry words I've so desperately wanted to tell her. In this moment, I feel no desire to speak those words. It feels unreal. I thought of all the terrible words but never thought I'd actually get the chance to say them, and now that I do, I don't want to. All I want to do is tell her every happy thing that's ever happened to me, all my accomplishments, how hard I've worked to become who I am today.

I want to make her proud.

And so the only words that come out of my mouth are ones that speak of my most prized accomplishment. "I'd like you to meet my husband, Kakashi Hatake."

Her eyes trail to the silver haired man in the doorway. For a moment, there's a look of familiarity, maybe even nostalgia. They exchange curt nods before my mother's eyes return once more to me.

"I'm sorry-" we both start to speak at the same time then stop, offering to let the other one go first.

"I'm sorry I left you all those years ago. I wasn't ready for parenthood... I was only 17. But not a day has gone by I haven't regretted my actions but I couldn't come back because my brother wouldn't let me, he classified me a traitor and a rogue and I had to make a new name for myself, a new identity, and- and I wanted to come see you but you probably know the type of treatment rogues get when they return to their villages and-"

"I get it, Mom." I say, barely a whisper. I move slowly, tentatively, taking a seat once again on the wooden chair by the bed. Kakashi remains in the doorframe. "It seems we both have stories to tell. It's been a long time, and a lot happens in a long time."

Her eyes tear up again and she sets her cup on the table with shaking hands. This is both difficult and wonderful for both of us. It's something neither of us ever thought would happen.

"How old are you now?" I can hear the pain in her voice as she asks me the question. The underlying question is all too present: _'How long has it been since I abandoned you?'_

"Thirty."

There's silence and Kakashi re-enters the room, crouching on the ground beside my chair and looking up at my mother.

"We all do things we regret. If I've learned one thing in my lifetime, it's that we have to live in the present if we are to endure the past and future."

My mother's lips turn into a slight smile, "You remind me so much of your father." And now the look of familiarity and nostalgia from earlier makes sense.

"You knew my father?" Kakashi asks, breaking his strong and confident manner for a state of bewilderment.

She nods, "We were in the academy together. Sakumo was a good friend of mine. But that's a story for another time."

The words escape my lips quickly, without a single thought. "Come back to the Leaf Village with us."

Instead of the excited reaction I expected from her, she just frowns. "I can't. Hiruzen won't allow it."

"Hiruzen is dead."

Her eyes widen as she looks to Kakashi for confirmation; maybe an old habit of hers, looking to her friend Sakumo in a tough situation.

"Oh," she says, voice low. I might never understand the dynamic between my mother and Hiruzen but I do know that she only feels slightly hurt upon hearing this information, based on her underwhelming reaction. I won't deny that Hiruzen treated her badly, though I shouldn't spend my time criticizing the dead.

"Did you really care about Hiruzen, Mom? What happened between you two?"

She places a hand on my knee, "That's a story for another time, my dear."

"So will you come back with us?" She looks as if she's trying to come up with some kind of excuse so I cut in quickly, "Come back with us and tell me your stories. Tell me everything. Tell it to your future grandchildren. Please."

After a moment of contemplation, she nods, but keeps her head down.

"I can't wait to tell you everything," I say with a smile impossible to suppress. Her head remains down and once again, she is unreadable.

But she's coming home. And that's all that matters right now. Everything else will fall into place at the right time.


	26. XXVI ~ Numb

"I'm sorry I can't stay longer this time. Missions are in high demand," my husband says as he slides his jonin vest over his shoulders. I remain curled under the covers, shifting only to get a view of the clock. 5 in the morning. Like clockwork, Kakashi leaves after just one short night home for yet another mission.

And I can't exactly be mad at him. After Orochimaru's unexpected invasion, nothing has been the same in the village. We lost many good shinobi that day, including the Third Hokage himself. The Fifth can only do so much to heal this broken village. Healing takes time, even for the Master Healer herself. Parents are choosing to hold their genin back until things settle down because high mission demand means genin are being sent on more C- and sometimes B-ranked missions. Everyone is operating at levels above their own. Chunin are being sent on A-ranked missions and jonin on more S-ranked. ANBU are almost never in the village because they are assisting those shinobi with their difficult missions.

If not for my mother, I'd be commissioned to join the ANBU again. Kakashi is glad for it. He claims he never wants to see me in the ANBU again, says he can't be there to protect me if I were in danger. I reply to that with a subtle push, "I'm strong enough to handle missions on my own, thank you."

"I know," he says softly, planting a kiss on my forehead before pulling the covers back up around me.

"How long this time?" I pout, watching as he stands in the door frame. Every time I watch him leave like this, I have to mentally prepare myself that it may be the last. I know Kakashi is one of the strongest shinobi in the village and S-ranked missions are routine for him, but that terrible gut feeling still tugs every time I watch him go.

"Three weeks," he answers, as he absentmindedly checks all his pouches for their designated tools and scrolls. Another routine he does without thinking. "I might be home sooner if I get some ANBU help, but I'm not betting on that. The ANBU are too busy helping those Chunin who are being sent on missions far beyond their capabilities."

I look at the clock once more, mentally marking exactly what time Kakashi leaves. I know it's dumb but _if_ it were his last time leaving, _if_ something were to go wrong on his mission, I'd want to know exactly when I last saw my husband. It's a strange type of comfort.

"Don't do anything stupid," I remark.

"Not when I have you to come home to," he echoes with a smirk. "See you soon."

And with that, he is gone.

Check the clock. _5:04am._ I roll over and sleep overtakes me once more.

* * *

I'm awoken by a familiar, routine sound. My mother coughing horribly in the bathroom. She says she has bad morning phlegm. For only a moment, I'm glad I didn't have to grow up with her. Sleep would've been hard to come by if this was my morning wake up call all my life.

When I'm finally startled enough by the horrid sound (it makes me want to gag, hearing someone hack and cough like that), I roll out of bed and slide one of Kakashi's large shirts on over my undergarments.

"Ma?" I call as I make my way to the washroom to check if she's okay. She steps out of the washroom and the dizzy look in her eyes takes me by surprise. "Mom, you don't look so well."

"I think I've caught a bug," she mutters as she stumbles before catching the door frame. I take her by the arm and lead her back into the guest bedroom where she's been staying.

"You should get some rest, Ma. I'll go get you a cold cloth, okay?" I help her lay down and make sure the pillows are set well behind her head before heading to the washroom to grab a cold cloth.

When I see myself in the mirror, I almost jump. My hair is amiss and I look like a glob in Kakashi's T-shirt. How Kakashi still loves me is a bewilderment I may never get over. I run the tap, allowing the water to get nice and cold, while I grab a cloth. The last one, I notice, and make a mental note to do the laundry. In fact, I should really give this apartment a good cleaning. I don't want anyone else getting sick with this bug.

After I place the cloth on my mother's head and ensure she's comfortable, I decide to get to work. Starting with the kitchen, then moving to the living area. Next the bedroom, and after ensuring the bed is well-made and all the clothes are in the laundry hamper, I head to the bathroom. As I'm emptying out the trash can in the bathroom, I notice something strange. I see red. I'm not on my period, so this is strange. Did Kakashi cut himself shaving?

When I take a closer look, I notice chunky red globs on a cloth buried in the trash can. The hell?

"Ma," I whisper, opening her door to see her fast asleep. I get to her bedside and lightly tap her awake. "Ma, I need to talk to you."

Her eyes flutter open and she looks up at me tiredly.

"What's with the blood on the cloth in the bathroom trash?"

I can see her expression drop even more than it already was and she looks away, avoiding my eye.

"Just from my coughing fit this morning, it's nothing to worry about though, I assure you."

"Mom, coughing up blood is _not_ normal." She looks at me with a strange look and I sit on the edge of the bed, sighing. "How long has this been going on for? We should probably get you in to see a doctor."

"No," she counters swiftly. "No doctors. They'll only tell me the same thing."

"What do you mean?" I ask, concern filling my features. She pulls the cold cloth off her forehead and sits up as she clears her throat.

"This is why I didn't want to come back with you, but you were so insistent. I feel like a terrible mother."

"Mom, what's going on?"

She takes my hand in hers and whispers, "I'm sick, Ayame. I have been for a long time. Two and a half years ago, the doctor told me I had six months to live."

You know when time sort of freezes and nothing feels real? When you're only vaguely aware of your surroundings and your subconscious seems to be doing everything for you, while you just look on through a small window of your soul with absolutely no control of your actions.

My jaw hangs open as I gape at my mother. She doesn't look even a bit shaken. It's clear she's come to terms with this information. Me, on the other hand...

"When the fuck were you planning to tell me this? On your deathbed?" I stand up because every muscle in my body feels tight right now. Like I'm being pulled, tugged and prodded in every direction all at once.

She answers with a calm I could never hope to achieve right now, "Honey, I've been on my deathbed for two and a half years."

A strange noise escapes the back of my throat and I feel like I might collapse.

Here I've been thinking about the great future I'll have with my mom, building our relationship and eventually setting her up in my old apartment, the one I purchased when I was 18. Here I've been talking to her about all the stories she's told me about her and Hiruzen, their strange relationship and jealously of one another, and how she, the sister of the Third Hokage, will get to tell those stories to her grandchildren some day.

Here I've been...

"Don't look at me like that," Akaya mutters, taking my hand. But I take it back. I feel cold. Every inch of my body is frozen and cold, refusing to accept any sort of warmth. "I didn't want my final days to be spent with my adult daughter caring for me like a dying person. I'm sick of all the pity."

"No," I mutter. "You're not allowed to decide that. You're not allowed to lie to me like that. That's all you've ever done is lie to me. You've never been there for me. And when you finally are, you lie more and I have to find out you're leaving me again!"

I turn around but for some reason, I can't find the courage to leave the room. So for a while, I just stand with my back turned to her, arms crossed. Strangely enough, despite all the anger I feel, I also feel deeply saddened. And I feel like I owe my ill mother a certain amount of grace, despite all she's done to me. My heart really is in a tug of war with itself right now.

Finally, words find their way to my lips again. This time, they're soft. So soft I fear I might just break when I say the words, "I'm sorry."

That's all I can manage before I quickly leave the room, closing the door behind me. As soon as I get into the hallway, I collapse. I finally break.

I'll grant my mother her wish and not show pity, but I never promised I wouldn't still hurt. That promise would be impossible. I'm all-too familiar with hurt and the practice I've had at hiding my hurt from others will come in handy these next few months.

* * *

Kakashi returns from his mission. I don't tell him everything that's happened at first, because I want him to feel welcomed home and not bombarded with all these problems the moment he steps through the door.

"Welcome back, dear."

He plants a soft kiss on my forehead before pulling me into his chest. He smells of forests and fire and sweat but I take in every part of him nonetheless. The last few weeks have been hell without him. Constant tension between my mother and I, secret cries when she's not looking, breakdowns in the shower, cleaning like a robot to keep myself busy and distracted from my all-encompassing thoughts.

"I'm glad to be back. I'm back for a week, Lady Tsunade wants me in the village to do some training with the new ANBU recruits, since all the active captains are on duty or out on missions."

The thought of him staying here, with me, for a whole week fills me with a joy I haven't felt since our honeymoon. I love this man so much and everything seems possible with him; even dealing with my lying, dying mother.

I decide I'll tell him about it tonight, once he's had a few hours to settle in.

"What would you like for dinner? I can cook you something."

Kakashi pulls out of the hug and looks down at me with a relieved sigh. "Oh how I've missed you," he says. "Anything you'd like. Will your mother be joining us?"

"Mm, not tonight. She's not feeling well," I say, telling the truth but not the whole truth. Kakashi can always tell when I'm lying so a half-truth is the best I can do.

He nods before sliding his vest off and unraveling his headband, leaving both to hang on the back of the door. "A date for two, then."

"Mhm," I say, managing the best smile I can. He seems too tired to take notice of my bluff and heads immediately to the shower. Meanwhile, I get started on dinner.

As we eat, we make small-talk. He tells me about his mission, the scrolls he managed to steal and about the ANBU from the Land of Stone that he ran into.

"You took them all down on your own? God, my husband is a genius."

He hides his blush well, putting his face down and focusing on his food then trying to change the subject.

"They didn't seem very experienced, anyways. Not compared to the ANBU I'm used to sparring with. I guess the Leaf does have some things going for it. Our ANBU are a force to be reckoned with."

We eat in comfortable silence for a couple minutes before he speaks up again.

"Did you hear from Naruto?"

"Hm, no I didn't. Did you?"

Kakashi nods, giving a soft smile in the process. "He's working some more on the rasengan with Jiraiya. Apparently he's putting his own spin on it. Training seems to be going well."

"That's good," I answer, allowing myself a moment to think about my yellow-haired pupil. "He's not our pupil anymore, is he?"

"Hm, maybe not. They're growing up fast. Sakura is training directly under Lady Tsunade. Lord Fifth says she has a real good chance of being a great medical nin."

"I never doubted her," I say, finishing the last few bites on my plate and getting up to wash it in the sink behind me.

"Mm, those three were always surprising us with their progress, weren't they?" He pauses, scratching his chin as if he wants to say something. "I wonder how Sasuke is."

I stop scrubbing the plate and stand vacant for a moment. Truth is, I think about him every day. No doubt he's training under Orochimaru by now. Where did we go wrong?

"It's a bit strange isn't it? All three of our pupils are each training under one of the Sannin."

"I wish Sasuke wasn't training under that _snake_ though," I hiss.

Kakashi gets up and offers to take over washing the dishes but I shrug him off, taking his plate and cutlery from him before he can argue.

After dinner, we watch a movie. I snuggle up to Kakashi and he puts his arm around me as we stare quietly at the screen. At one point, I steal the remote and turn the volume down.

"I'm not sure how much more I can take of this," I say. This earns me a classic furrowed eyebrow glance and Kakashi shifts so he can look at me.

"Of what?"

"My mom, living with us like this. I was planning to ask her to move into my old apartment, but then..." I trail off, fiddling nervously with my fingers before he takes the remote and pauses the movie entirely. Silence emanates in the room for a bit.

"Then what?"

I answer quietly, in case she's listening, "She's sick, anata. She's coughing up blood and her time is close."

Kakashi goes pale, like he's just seen a ghost. "What are you talking about? How long have you known this?"

"I found out a few weeks ago, after you left on your last mission. I found a bloody cloth in the bathroom garbage."

"Oh," he replies, turning to stare at the paused television screen. I sigh and lay my head on his chest.

"Just when I was starting to get to know her, she's leaving me again."

Kakashi doesn't speak. He just pulls me closer to him and holds me tight. His deep breaths calm me, and hearing his heartbeat in his chest has always been a comfort of mine.

We've been through so much in the last couple years that we're numb. Well, Kakashi's always been numb, I guess. He's dealt with more heartache and suffering than I ever will and always seems to deal with loss well. That or he's really good at hiding the pain. Maybe he himself doesn't even know how much things hurt him anymore. I can understand that; I've been feeling that way myself lately. Like I know how much something _should_ hurt but just don't feel the burden the same way I used to.

Sort of like a numbness that slowly overtakes the more things hurt. Like how adrenaline kicks in when there's a major injury and somehow a paper cut manages to hurt more than a broken leg.

The body is a strange thing, and the same thing could be said about the mind. I remember seeing mind-numbing take effect in various ANBU recruits. Kakashi himself fell prey to it. Itachi. Shisui. I won't even get into detail about the countless newbie recruits we used to get, who'd commit suicide after just a few months in the dark.

A troublesome organization, the ANBU is. Though Konoha would be nowhere without them.

Strangely enough, I sort of miss it right now. The constant rush. The purpose. The duty and fulfillment. The strict formations and mind-numbing missions.

"Kakashi," I mutter.

"Hm?"

"Theoretically, what would you say if I wanted to go back to full-time service?"

He lets out a breath and shifts a bit into the couch cushions, "Service?"

"Yeah, like take on full-time ninja duties again. Like I did before my depression and all the shit that happened..."

He answers quietly, though I can still hear the hesitation in his voice. "You don't want to wait until things calm down? Every ninja in the village is working way above their level... I'm surprised Lady Fifth hasn't created some kind of conscription program for capable shinobi who are dormant like yourself. Though I'll admit I'm glad she hasn't."

I sigh at his sad attempt to change the subject and shift so I'm looking him dead in the eyes. "I'm serious, Kakashi. I want to get back to work. I think I was happier when I was working."

This much is true, and Kakashi knows it, even if he might never admit it. I can see the way his eye softens, the way he trails into thought, no doubt thinking of my happier days in ANBU. Months would go by when I'd always have a smile on my face.

"I don't want you joining the ANBU, but I guess taking on some Jonin missions couldn't hurt..."

A big smile stretches across my lips and I rest my head on his chest again, allowing his warmth to envelop me. He holds me tight, like he might lose me at any moment.

"I know you're afraid of losing me but you need to lighten up. I can't sit in this apartment forever. I need to work again—to feel the chakra running through my veins. Do you know how long it's been since I've even wielded my knuckle blades?"

He shakes his head, watching me with slightly furrowed brows. His silver hair falls over his forehead, framing his face perfectly.

"Exactly. I don't either."

At this, he pushes me up so we're sitting and draws me into a long hug, his chin atop my head.

"I love you, Ayame Sarutobi Hatake. I'll support you, whatever decisions you make. I'll support you forever."

I'm not going to cry. I won't. But it is oh-so tempting.

He plants a warm kiss on my forehead and I pull back to kiss him on the lips. His hand softly strokes my cheek as we hold each other, lips in perfect sync.

When we finally pull away, I close my eyes and rest my forehead against his, whispering, "Forever is a long time."

"Thank the heavens for that. I would love you until the end of time if the universe allowed it."


	27. XXVII ~ Changing Times

Since my mother passed away, things have been looking up. The funeral was small, just Kakashi, myself and Asuma. We didn't want to draw attention to the fact that we'd brought a rogue and traitor back into the village to live out her final days. It turns out my mother was not well respected, the reason to which she wouldn't tell me, which is partly why she and Hiruzen bumped heads so much. Hiruzen wanted to be liked and recognized by the whole village, and become a Hokage who would be respected by all and protect everyone. And that he did, although it took throwing his sister out along the way.

So much has happened these last few years. Death. Depression. Rape. Pregnancy. Miscarriage. Loss of a beloved pupil. Death of my mother.

'Thank god for missions,' I think as I pull the cold knuckle blades out of my pouch and swing them around my finger, taking small comfort in their familiar cool touch and the heaviness of the metal intertwined between my fingers. Tsunade is starting me with small missions, which I'm assuming is because I'm no way in shape yet. My stomach still carries flab from after the stillbirth, my arm strength is almost nothing, and I can't run long distances like I used to without panting and sweating like a gool. Of course Tsunade, the medic, sees all this and ultimately decides to send me on Chunin missions until my stamina is built up again.

Which is fine. Anything is better than nothing. Though I will admit I do miss the rush of ANBU missions very much. I made that clear to Lady Tsunade but she refused to take me on yet. She'd said to check back in six months and she'll reconsider, but only because they were low on ANBU still and needed more security forces.

Then I'm left with a dilemma. Remain a Jonin on Chunin missions, and actually get to go on missions, or join the ANBU and be put on village security until I can build my way up in the ranks again. Neither is my first choice, though I see why she does it. And I know it pleases Kakashi very much knowing I'm either on low-level missions or working security in the village.

When I get a day off, I know I should be training but instead spend the majority of the morning walking around the village and taking in the sights. It's strange seeing those I still perceive as academy students now as genin. One of which, I realize, is my little cousin.

"Oy, Ayame-Chan! Look at me, I'm a genin now, kore!"

I smirk at the kid and ruffle the brown mop of hair on top of his head. "I see that, kiddo. Good job."

"I'm gonna become Hokage like Grandpa-Hiruzen!" he exclaims with wide eyes full of life. He's almost as bad as Guy. "Just like Naruto-Niichan, kore!"

I chuckle as I place my hands on my hips and glance at the three squirts standing before me. Not that long ago it seemed like Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura were that size. Now, Sakura is almost as tall as me and I haven't seen Naruto or Sasuke in over a year.

"I don't doubt it, kid. Keep it up," I say, glancing and giving a nod to his teammates, Udon and Moegi. Moegi stands cheerily, yet dumbfolded, while Udon stares blank-faced with a booger dripping from his nose. _Oh dear, how unfortunate. I feel bad for their sensei._

I keep walking, enjoying the hot sun as it beams down on me. The only thing that would make this walk better would be if Kakashi were here to share it. He's on a mission, as always, though lately he's been able to take a bit more time off so I guess I shouldn't complain. With my missions and his though, sometimes the time off he manages to get falls under a day where I'm gone or vise versa. Married life as two shinobi isn't exactly exciting... I guess I had false hopes when we were both on the same team and went on missions together... at least then we could slip away and get some alone time on the missions if we so desperately needed. Alone time in this life is rare, which I guess makes it all the more special.

I know of a few shinobi couples whose positions and missions line up, such as Konohamaru's parents who are both captains in the ANBU. His mother, one of Hiruzen's sisters, is much younger and always tended to her own path so I don't know her as an aunt as much as one of the ANBU captains. Her husband is a self-made shinobi who grew up with civilian parents and defied all odds placed against him, marrying the sister of the renowned Third Hokage. Pretty impressive for the child of two civilians. I've never officially met him, simply learning all this information through the grapevine, but I will admit I've always admired the man for what he was able to accomplish. I felt I could relate to him in a way, both being children with big dreams from 'nobody' parents but both being associated with the Sarutobi family in some capacity. His captaincy always focused on village protection whereas Team Ro was an assassination team, so we never crossed paths, to my knowledge, unless from behind masks. I don't even know what this man looks like. ANBU tend to do a decent job of staying anonymous, especially from those out of their division.

Konohamaru is almost identical to his mother. Soft cheeks, green eyes, but he must get his determination and fervor from his father because his mother, whose ANBU team focuses on infiltration and espionage, is quiet and soft-spoken.

I stop at Ichiraku ramen and grab a bowl, unable to resist the mouth-watering smell that fills the busy street near the shops. When I sit down, Teuchi acknowledges me, recognizing me as Naruto's sensei, and asks me if I know how he's been.

"Nobody's heard from him or Master Jiraiya in over a year," I explain as I slurp up the delicious noodles. Last time I was here, I was here with Naruto.

"Actually," a voice says beside me. I turn and notice a certain Chunin sitting a few stools down. "I heard rumors that he was spotted a couple of weeks ago, heading towards Mount Myoboku with Jiraiya."

"Mount Myoboku? Isn't that the place with all the frogs?" Another voice chimes into the conversation, entering the shop and taking a seat beside me. Kurenai smiles at me and orders herself a bowl of ramen.

"Well, if it isn't the old squad," I mention. The Chunin from earlier moves closer to us and smirks. "How've you been, Iruka? It's been a while."

"Busy," he says. "The academy is fuller than ever. So many parents held their kids back right after the Chunin exams last year and this year we have almost double the incoming students."

"Not to mention there was a baby boom eight years ago, shortly following the end of the Third Shinobi war," Kurenai adds. I chuckle, finishing my bowl of ramen and pushing it aside to rest on the counter.

"The future is looking bright though," I say. "With Lady Tsunade settling well into office and things getting back to normal, the village is finally starting to thrive."

"Won't argue with that one," Iruka says before slurping up the rest of his broth and pushing his bowl aside as well. "You never told me how you're getting on, Ayame-San. How're you and Kakashi-San?"

"Pretty good," I say nonchalantly. Talking about my love life with others is admittedly not my favourite thing in the world. Even if Iruka and Kurenai aren't totally strangers, they're not exactly my best friends either. Not like Tenzo. And I probably wouldn't even talk to Tenzo about mine and Kakashi's relationship if I'm honest. But with them staring so intently at me, I feel I have to give them something. "We're both working a lot but it seems to be good for both of us. Neither of us does well sitting dormant."

"You're both always welcome at the academy... I'm sure the students would love a special visit from ex-ANBU and advanced Jonin sensei such as yourselves! Though I don't doubt you're pretty busy with missions lately," Iruka chimes, making note to the scarce state of shinobi forces in Konoha right now.

"It's been busier than ever," I say, finishing my bowl with a hearty slurp. The warm liquid slides down my throat. "A day off is rare nowadays. This is my first one in a while."

They nod in understanding, Kurenai giving me a pat before paying Teuchi and making their farewells, heading opposite directions.

"See you around," Iruka says, waving kindly as he leaves.

I sit alone for a couple more minutes, allowing lunch to settle in, before heading to the training grounds. I should try not to be a hypocrite and do my best not to sit dormant, even if it is technically my 'day off'. I'll feel better about myself if I get at least some training in. That's what I have to do if I want to impress Lady Tsunade get into ANBU, after all.

Immediately after having that thought, I experience a swing of deja-vu and am thrown back to my teenage years. This is exactly the type of thing I would have done when I was 16 or 17. Criticize myself for not training, set my mind on getting into ANBU...

I'm cast out of my nostalgic thoughts when I hear a whistling coming from behind a tree on the outskirts of the clearing. When I go to check it out, I notice a familiar ge—I mean, chunin—sitting against the tree in his own world of thoughts.

"Oi, Shikamaru! Funny seeing you at a _training_ ground."

He opens one eye and keeps his hands rested behind his head, intertwined behind his neck, "Oh, Ayame-Sensei. You're not on a mission today?"

"There's no need to call me Sensei anymore, kid. We've gone on enough missions together, I'd say," I nod to the lazy chunin. God, he even makes Kakashi look motivated in comparison. "Seems you got the day off too, huh?"

"Yeah," he hums lazily, closing his eyes once again like he can't be bothered. "Shouldn't you be training? How much longer is Hokage-Sama gonna keep you on chunin missions? It's clear as day that you're operating way below your level."

"I could say the same about you. When's your promotion, anyways?"

He grunts and pushes himself to his feet. "I couldn't be bothered with promotions and stuff. I didn't even expect to be made chunin, though I never had much say in the matter..." he sighs as he slumps, eyes filling with some sort of lazy form of regret. A longing, maybe. A longing to be sleeping under the clouds instead of training, I'm sure. Though I'm not sure how much training he's actually been doing...

"What do you say, wanna train a bit with me? I could use a partner for some motivation."

"I'm afraid motivation isn't in my vocabulary," he mutters as he stretches feebly. "Sorry, gotta head. Asuma's calling a team meeting tonight and I need to rest, gather up some energy beforehand. Choji and Ino can be exhausting sometimes. See ya," and just like that, he's leaving. I grunt and snicker a bit under my breath as he walks towards the Hokage Mountain, surely to get away and lie under the clouds elsewhere. What a strange kid. I don't know what Asuma sees in him. Sure, he's got a brain like no other, but what's the use if he's not even willing to use it?

Though I will admit he's proven himself quite useful on the few missions we've gone on together. He's able to calculate a perfect plan and execute it flawlessly every time. I can see why he was the only rookie to be promoted to chunin in the most recent exams.

As I toss kunai, hitting just shy of the center of the target every time, I begin to feel the heat of the sun getting to me. It's nice when you're in town but when you're constantly moving and sweating, not so much. Especially in these jonin uniforms, long sleeves and vest and all. I do miss the shoulderless ANBU uniforms a great deal right now.

The days I spend on missions decrease as the days lull on which both worries and relieves me. I worry that Lady Tsunade is holding me back from missions because of something Kakashi may have said to her. He seems to have a lot of say when it comes to that stuff, she listens to him. No doubt there is inherent trust between them because she knows of his reputation or has been told by the village elders. A bit of relief also comes in the form of days off. Days off mean training and training means I'm that much closer to ANBU.

My off days pass similar to each other, each one dragging on as I perform a routine all-too familiar. Wake up. Energy bar. Warm-up jog as the sun rises, before the village streets get too busy. Light lunch. Train in any training ground I can find that's empty, often times I end up at the ANBU training field. They aren't using it much right now anyways, since the demand for missions is still so high. And it serves as a reminder for why I'm training so much.

Kakashi comes home for a night every few weeks, usually between missions. His missions are all long and dangerous, since he's a much-needed shinobi in the Leaf Village right now, so he's always exhausted. It pains me to watch my husband lull on the way he does. I told him to ask Lady Hokage for a break but he's so damn committed to this village that he said he wouldn't even think about it, "The village needs every person it can get right now, working at their highest level. That's just the state we're in right now. Can't be helped," he yawns with a wave of his hand, as if dismissing the topic.

"Yeah, you're right," I say, watching him as he sleepily pulls his jonin vest on to leave for yet another long mission. "You're completely right."

He pauses and stares at me strangely for a moment before shrugging it off and waving goodbye.

"Take it easy," he says as the door closes behind him. _What a hypocrite._

As always, I'm going to do the exact opposite of what he says. I can feel my strength returning every day. In fact, I feel almost as good as I did in my prime ANBU days. My abdomen is beginning to show signs of some forming muscles and I don't even break a sweat when I run anymore.

After my training for the day, I jog excitedly towards the Hokage's tower. This is the day, I can feel it. There's no way she can deny me now. I'm in better shape than I've ever been. I'm ready. Besides, the village needs me. Kakashi, though indirectly, said it himself.

Upon arriving, I almost forget to knock but catch myself. Quickly, I compose myself and go into ANBU mode completely. Three short, firm knocks on the door. Her voice calls out and the doors open for me. Two ANBU stand at each side of the door in perfect stances. I don't recognize these ones, no doubt they're new or recently moved from the Foundation. The Foundation has been providing lots of shinobi for us recently... though if you ask me, I think they're all weird. Robot-like, almost.

When I enter, I gracefully take a knee before her desk.

"Hokage-Sama, I am ready. Please allow me to join an ANBU team again. I promise I will not disappoint you."

It's a dreadful few seconds waiting for her answer that feels like an eternity. I'm afraid I might collapse if the answer is no. _Please,_ I silently plead. Not at this point, not after all my training. I'm strong now; that was the problem originally, right? Besides, she needs me. Like Kakashi said this morning, the village needs every person it can get right now. I simply cannot keep operating below my level like I have been.

"No," she says. There is is. The dreaded word. It almost don't sound real. I don't collapse like I'd originally thought I might but a terrible feeling still pummels to the depths of my stomach, making me feel like I might be sick.

I keep my head down to hide the shocked, maybe even angry look on my face, because I'm trying to remain professional. I need to come up with a reason to make her change her mind, quick. But I can't sound desperate or child-like. I need to think this through fast... fast like an ANBU would. This is my mission.

"Hokage-Sama, I beg your pardon, but please reconsider your decision-"

"No, I don't want you joining an ANBU team," she says once again, cutting me off completely. I shrivel under her glare, which I can feel seeping into the top of my head as I remain bowed and silent. _I've lost. That's it. Her word is final._ "I don't want you joining a team because your skills are needed in a different way-"

Despite the fact that I told myself just a few second ago that her word is final, I still speak out, this time looking up and being more forward. What do I have to lost at this point? "-Lady Tsunade, I can't go on with these mere chunin missions! We both know I'm more qualified than that. Please, I can't watch my husband work his ass off while I lay back and take all the easy missions!"

She sighs, closing a book on her desk and unsuccessfully trying to mask her frustration, revealed with the force she uses to close the cover. The sound reverberates off the walls and I know I've gone too far. This is it for me, truly. I've heard rumors that this Hokage can split boulders with her fist, and I fear she might split the desk right in half.

But she surprises me. She breathes in deeply then smirks a bit.

"If you would just let me finish. Really, you are quite adamant. I can see where Sakura got her attitude from, if she trained first under you," Lady Tsunade walks around her desk and approaches me but I remain kneeled, looking up at her in slight confusion. "Ayame Sarutobi-Hatake, I'd like you to join the ANBU as a team captain."

"A team ca-" I stop myself before I can finish the phrase, in a failed attempt to mask my bewilderment. My jaw drops as I stare up at the large-breasted lady standing above me. She motions for me to stand and I come just above her height.

"I received great references for you from past and current ANBU, and you certainly have the experience, qualifications and dedication."

I close my jaw, having not even noticed that it was still hanging open, and stare wide-eyed at the blonde haired, brown eyed lady standing before me. She looks serious. This is for real. This isn't a joke. 

She wants me to be an ANBU _Captain._

"You don't have to accept today. In fact, I don't want you to. Please, take a few weeks to think about it. It's a long-term commitment and it's no easy feat. Kakashi should be back from his mission sooner this time, so you can talk it over with him and then let me know."

I answer without a shred of doubt in my voice, turning on the ANBU switch immediately. My brain goes into auto-pilot. The words slide professionally and automatically off my tongue, "I will. Thank you Hokage-Sama." I duteously bow my head and take my leave. As soon as I'm out of sight of everyone, I pump my fist into the air and a whisper scream escapes through the impossible-to-remove grin.

This is perfect. This is more than I had ever hoped for.

Kakashi is going to hate it.

But this is what I want. And I'm _going_ to take this position.


	28. XXVIII ~ Duty

"No, absolutely not."

Those words are no surprise to me as I watch my husband pace our bedroom while I lay back on the bed. He was laying too; that is, until I told him what I am going to do.

"Aya, you can't jump from chunin to ANBU captain just like that. To think that Lord Fifth would even consider-"

I cut him off with a tinge of anger, but try to keep myself together—for his sake. "Anata, please, we both know I'm _not_ chunin! I was in ANBU for eleven years before Hiruzen reassigned us. And I was thriving, too."

He knows it as much as I do, which is why he lets out a breath, which resembles more of a huff than anything, before speaking up again. This time, his words are slow and carefully thought out. His voice is soft, like he's struggling to say it as much as I am to understand it. "Yes, and that's the problem."

I cross my arms and furrow my brows to ensure Kakashi sees my frustration and my refusal to give up. He's kept me locked up long enough. He can't protect me forever. I _need_ to thrive; to feel the rush again. "How is thriving a problem? Are you seriously so stuck up that you can't let your wife do something she loves because you're _afraid_ she'll get hurt? C'mon, Kakashi. I can take care of myself."

He lets out a sort of half-huff, half-grunt and sits down on the edge of the bed with his back to me. I guess I should have expected this sort of reaction from him. Still, it frustrates me to no end. I'm his wife, not his child. I don't need a babysitter.

He throws his head into his hands after pulling his hitai-ate off and tossing it to the floor. For a few minutes we just sit in silence, neither of us acknowledging the other. Eventually he removes his face from his hands but keeps facing the wall. He won't even look at me right now.

I expect him to be angry but he's soft spoken. It's almost like I've suddenly prodded a soft spot. I've cracked open a wall he's been trying so desperately to keep up.

"ANBU Captaincy isn't all it's talked up to be. You aren't only responsible for executing A-rank and S-rank missions—you are responsible for every single life. The lives of your team and the lives of the opponents. You make all the hard decisions, Aya. Decisions that sometimes mean killing innocents in order to complete the mission. Decisions of life or death... quite frankly, decisions no person should ever be subjected to," he sounds tired, but not the type from physical exhaustion. There's something in his voice that I've heard only once before, when he told me about his regrets, that day we went to the graveyards. The day I was mourning my aborted child and he told me about his ex-comrades and the pain he feels every day for their losses.

I can see that his former captaincy still weighs on him and I know he's just trying to protect me from that burden. But I'm not like him—I never will be. He's been through more than anyone and he deals with things different than others, so I can understand why he might assume captaincy will be too much for me.

I scoot to the edge of the bed and try to get him to look at me but he continues staring straight at the wall, face a blank. It's impressive how normal he can force himself to look while all these emotions are whirring inside. If he weren't my husband and if we hadn't spent so much time together, I'd never notice these hidden feelings. To anyone else's eyes, he's just the cold-blooded Kakashi Hatake. They don't realize the deep hurt this man still carries all these years later.

But I can see it. I can see it clearer than day. It's the way his eyebrows furrow by the slightest millimeter and his lips form the tiniest of frowns. The way his tired eyes look miraculously more tired than usual, his pupils are small and he's in a world of thought. It's not very often he lets his guard down to enter this state while he's in public. Kakashi Hatake is two very different men when he's in public versus alone.

Still staring blankly at the wall, the hurting man speaks quietly, "It _will_ weigh on you, and you will have to remain strong. You can't afford to break or pause and think about it for even a moment. Decisions will happen faster than you can blink. You might make the wrong one—no, you _will_ make the wrong choice sometimes. Then you'll carry those choices with you forever. They'll never leave you... a horrible thing, regret. That's what you're getting yourself into. It's no joyride."

I see the pain in this blank-faced man's heart through the hurt in his words. I can feel his regret emanating. And I wish more than anything in the world right now, even more than I wish to join ANBU, that I could take away his pain; lift it off his shoulders and destroy it; make him light again. But years of heartache and pain mold to one like metal, and follow them to their grave. I've seen it happen with so many. For some unfortunate ones, it brought them to their grave earlier than their time. Uchiha Shisui. Uchiha Itachi, in a way. And now, Sasuke in his own sense; leaving the village like he did was a death sentence. Rogue ninja aren't easily forgiven.

It's the last thought that it finally hits me. Realization dawns upon me like never before. It manifests itself in my body, by the thick pain I feel in my chest and the sickness pinging in my stomach. My head goes haywire, thoughts spinning like a whirlpool.

"Sasuke," I barely manage to whisper.

The tears fall down my face and finally Kakashi looks at me. His face is still blank and he says nothing, but by the way his brows soften and lips fall open in the slightest, I know he knows. This exact scenario is what he's trying to warn me of. Life or death decisions. Decisions that haunt one to their grave.

"Sasuke," I say again, unable to voice my full thoughts.

Kakashi has already read my mind because he doesn't question the sudden and strange change of topic. He knows exactly what I'm thinking. In fact, he probably thought it before I ever did. Subtly, he voices my thoughts for me in a way far less abrupt.

"As a captain, you'd be leading assassination missions. Sometimes, you'll be sent on rogue assassinations-"

"-our village's rogues are first on the assassination list," I finish for him. My voice surprisingly doesn't stagger when I say the dreadful words. Though, the thought of assassinating my own pupil makes me feel sick to my stomach. I lean over and clutch my stomach but the swelling need to vomit is soothed as strong arms wrap around me. He runs his fingers through my hair as I breathe into his chest, trying to clear this dreadful thought from my mind.

"You don't have to take the position. You could join ANBU as a member of a specialized team. Maybe see about an infiltration or security team."

"My background is hand-to-hand, Kakashi. Assassination."

We both know it, but neither of us really wants to admit it. I spent eleven years on Team Ro, the team responsible for most assassinations.

"I have leeway with Lord Fifth _and_ ANBU. I can get her to put you into whatever unit you wish."

"I won't play the system like that, Kakashi. The village needs everyone working at their highest capabilities, I can't be an exception just because my husband is a former ANBU captain. That's a one-way ticket to being despised by just about everyone."

I remain in his embrace for a few minutes more before we both mutually pull away. His hand rests comfortably on my thigh, a weight keeping me grounded.

A switch turns on in me and I sit up straight. It takes Kakashi by surprise and he takes my hands in his. This time, I'm the unreadable one. He searches my face for any sign of what I'm thinking, but I know he's left hanging.

"Have you decided?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"I can't let my emotions rule me. If I'm going to be a good captain, I need to think like one. I need to set aside my personal biases and complete the mission, even if it hurts." I say these words with the strength and determination required of an ANBU captain, but deep down, the fear still radiates. However slim the chance is that _I personally_ will be tasked with assassinating Sasuke, my ex-pupil, I know it's still a possibility in the near _or_ far future. There's no telling what the future holds. The only thing that holds true is my dedication to this village. 

Some concern fills his eye but he remains silent. He knows there's no changing my mind. He knows this is my decision, no matter how much he wishes is wasn't. And I think a part of him knows I'm strong and can handle this role with excellence.

It's a decision I feel I need to make. One that might haunt me, yes, but one that is my _duty_. The village is short on shinobi and everyone needs to work at their absolute limits—I am no exception.

I just pray that Sasuke is hiding somewhere he can never be found, both for his sake and mine.

* * *

I stare at the handle of the door to the ANBU headquarters for a while before finally deciding to open it. It feels strange coming back here after all this time. It also feels a bit nostalgic. It almost feels like yesterday I was reaching for this handle after what would have been my last ANBU mission, before the Cold-Captain appeared in front of me for our summon to the Hokage Tower, where Hiruzen released us both of our duties and made us sensei.

Strange how things change over time. I never thought I'd ever come back here. I was sure my days in the ANBU were done for good. Now here I am, reporting back as a _captain._

As I enter, I notice a few things have changed. Mainly the walls. They're coated in a new color of paint, a beige instead of the cold navy blue. It makes these once dreary hallways seem infinitely more inviting. Crazy what a simple paint job can do.

As I make my way towards reception and intake, I almost subconsciously turn into Team Ro's old locker room. There've been many changes to the ANBU since Lord Fifth came in, including the removal of team names. Locker rooms are instead labeled by numbers, and each team has a specialty. You train with your team but all missions are not necessarily completed with the same team every time. Sometimes teams will combine and join forces, or pull members from other teams, depending on the needs of the mission.

The new system makes sense, though it'll definitely take some getting used to.

I approach the reception room which hasn't changed one bit since my time here. The walls are still dark and grody looking and bars still encompass the reception desk, making it look more like a prison than a secret organization's headquarters.

"Hello," I say curtly as I approach the desk. A figure rolls his chair out of the shadows and his face is just barely visible under the dim lights.

"Ehh, Ayame-San! Long time no see!"

I feel bad for not remembering the dude's name but I recognize him so I smile kindly in response. He's worked this reception desk since even _before_ I was an ANBU. I remember him as the one who was always biting his fingernails.

"It's been a while. Good to see you," I bluff. "I'm reporting for duty again, assuming you have me on file. I'll need a captain's cloak but I still have all my old gear."

He ruffles through a large stack of papers before handing me a file. "Sign here, and here, initial here, make sure to read here, and here..." he points absently to each spot and I frantically skim, placing my signature or initials where's needed. It's all a formality, signing my life away, signing away the right to sue, signing away my husband or family's right to press charges should I ever die on duty or commit suicide, blah blah... typical Black Op stuff.

Finally, he hands me the cloak, an off-white one instead of black this time since captains wear white, and motions for me to go through for my physical.

It's all routine. They'll check up and document my health, something they require all newbies to complete, and every month following—something all ANBU Black Ops must have done regularly. We also get a psych evaluation, though I've heard rumors that they pass everyone regardless, since nobody's psych is ever the same after joining ANBU. They just don't like to admit it, so it's swept under the rug. That's why so many new ANBU end up permanently traumatized or commit suicide—the system doesn't care if their mind is affected. As long as they're getting the job done, they'll receive a passing mark every time.

I remember at my psych evaluations, the doctor would almost always compliment my outstanding mental stability. I went numb to the harder things, like anyone would, but I remained optimistic with the things that really mattered. They always told me most other ANBU seemed to go numb to all the _good_ things too, and complimented me for my ability to categorize.

"Thank you," I say to the kind medic who performs my physical. She directs me into a different room where I take a seat on a plush chair and wait for the psych doctor.

All goes well. It's a standardized list of questions and he doesn't even bother to look up from his checkboard while asking them. I get a pass and he signs the paper, instructing me to return it to reception.

I do just that and the guy from earlier, after ripping a nail off with his teeth, directs me to room 5. He says my team would be waiting there to meet me.

"That's not intimidating at all," I mutter. The guy behind the desk snuffs, handing me a booklet containing copies of everyone's files.

He speaks low, keeping his voice down and scanning the room for any listeners. It's just us but he still speaks just above a whisper, "From what I heard, their ex-captain was a bit of a hot-headed jerk. I'm sure you'll have their respect, Ayame-San."

"Thanks," I mutter, giving him a soft smile before taking my leave.

When I get to locker room 5, I don't hesitate. Whatever's waiting for me in there isn't going to change by hesitating outside the door. As an ANBU captain, I need to face whatever's given to me with confidence. As soon as I enter, conversations hush to murmurs before halting completely. Faces turn my way, some still masked with porcelain animals and others in plain view, tired eyes glaring curiously my way.

"Hello," I say. Embarrassingly, my voice cracks. I promptly clear my throat before continuing. "I'm your new captain. Name's Ayame Sarutobi Hatake, and I'll be known as Captain Hatake from here on out."

"You're Kakashi Hatake's wife," a girl with a rather deep voice and stark black hair mentions as she removes her porcelain cat mask and greets me properly. She takes my hand and shakes it firmly. "Pleased to finally meet you. There's always talk of you around here," she adds.

"Good talk, I hope," I say, rather jokingly as I peer at the others to gage their reactions. Some turn their faces and others remain motionless, glaring uncomfortably in my direction. A bad feeling forms in the pit of my stomach at the tension in the room but I quickly will it away. _Get it together, Ayame—Captain Hatake, that is._ I decide to say something rather bold, hoping it'll make a good first impression and make them forget about the awkwardness prior, "For anyone doubting me, it's time you stop. I spent eleven years in ANBU on Team Ro, the primary assassination team before the recent changes put in place by Lord Fifth. My uncle was the Third Hokage, and he raised me alongside skilled Jonin, Asuma Sarutobi, whom some of you may know. I became a Chunin at age 13 and Jonin at 15, joining ANBU shortly after my eighteenth birthday. Needless to say, I am more than qualified for this position and you needn't underestimate me."

The self-promotional speech earns me a few strange glances but sure enough, people stop looking at me with judgmental eyes and soon get back to changing out of their uniforms. I walk up to the only vacant locker, the one at the end closest to the door, and open it. The smell hits me instantly and I nearly gag. The odor is like a terrible concoction of body odor and mold.

A voice interrupts me from my thoughts and I turn quickly, closing the nasty locker behind me, "That was the old Captain's locker," the black-haired woman with the low voice says.

"I heard he was a hot-headed jerk," I say, repeating the reception kid's words from earlier.

She lets out a low chuckle before shoving her mask into her locker and slamming it shut.

"That's one way to describe him."

I want to ask what she means, to get all the information I can about this mysterious captain, but refrain for the sake of my reputation. I need to appear strong, both physically and mentally.

So instead of satisfying my itching curiosity, I change the subject. "I hope everyone's familiar with formation Z. I'd like you all in training ground 3 in ten minutes, ready to go. I'd like to gauge everyone's individual and teamwork skills."

Like well conditioned soldiers, nobody questions the captain's orders. They follow command and promptly start changing back into their uniforms. I take mental note of the fact that they all thought this would be a leisure day, a day not requiring ninja tools or proper uniform. I'm a puppy compared to their previous captain.

Like old habit, I strip down and change into my old ANBU uniform. Nobody bats an eye or questions this action. Men and women have no shame here, especially those in the same section. Our minds are not easily wavered when we know we're on duty. That's one of the necessary skills of the ANBU, putting personal feelings aside and focusing solely on the mission. Lust has no place in the ANBU locker room.

Everyone else has already left and proceeded to the training ground. I take a deep breath, adjusting the mental arm shields, familiar, yet not used to their weight once again. It's strange to think I wore these all the time back in the day and was never bothered by the heaviness. I know I'll get used to it once again, but in this moment, I shake my arms out and familiarize myself with what it feels like to move my arms in all directions with this added weight.

"You know they make lighter ones now," a voice echoes from behind a bank of lockers. I immediately stop shaking my arms around, realizing I must look like a flailing child. I'd thought I was alone. The figure belonging to the voice steps out and into view and there's a pang of recognition, I just don't know where from. "Ones made of lighter engineered metals, not the heavy iron you used in your time."

 _Pfft, my time_. He says it as if I'm an ancient being from a different world entirely.

"Yeah, well, I like what they used in _my time,_ " I comeback, trying to sound smart but miserably failing. "Plus, the weight increases my momentum if I make a swing."

"It also tires you out faster, which means you're overall less proficient. Stamina," he says, tightening his high pony. His black hair is thick, but held tightly in place by an elastic band. His words sound both carelessly and carefully calculated. In fact, his every step seems calculated. The way he carries himself is just one big calculation. And then it finally comes to me.

"You're a Nara," I say, proud of myself for figuring it out with little to go on.

He nods and places his hand on the back of his neck in a stance all to similar to others from the Nara clan. "Izuko. I'm from the Black Ops intelligence section, but I've been told to pass a message to you."

I'm closing my locker and just getting ready to go meet my team in training ground 3 when Izuko Nara tells me the Commander has called a meeting with all captains in ten minutes. Sighing, I thank Izuko and make my way to the training ground, already dreading telling my team they got ready for nothing. What a terrible way to start off my captaincy.

"You're late, Captain Hatake."

Even though I told them to call me that, it still sounds strange to my ears. Not just the Hatake part, the Captain too. It's all still so strange. All my life I've just been Sarutobi, and I've just been a regular recruit. Suddenly, I'm _Captain Hatake._ Thankfully, Kakashi was never called that in his time. That would be hella confusing. During our ANBU days, we were much less formal with our captain; or maybe that was just with Kakashi. We always just called him Captain Kakashi, Kakashi-Senpai or, behind his back, the Cold Captain. Formalities were not his thing.

"Maa, well, I've got a bit of a setback," I consider apologizing before deciding not to be so guppy. With my shoulders back and chin up I say, "We'll do this tomorrow at dawn."

I receive no grunts or sighs in response, amazingly enough. Some leave promptly, all-too eager to be anywhere but here. A few stay behind to chat with fellow members before walking off. The black haired girl with the deep voice is the last to leave.

"I'm Kaori by the way," she says as she skillfully slides her knives and ninja tools into the pouches hidden all over her uniform. "I specialize in weapons, but that's pretty obvious," she states with a light huff as she points to all the hidden pouches on her uniform. I smile but feel strange, like I don't know what to say. Do I open up or not? I knew becoming a captain would mean learning their skills but do I have to _bond_ with them in a deeper sense? These are questions I'm sure Kakashi will grudgingly answer tonight. He's still a bit salty that I took the position even after his warnings.

I want to be a good captain. I want everyone to like me. I want them to trust me, to know they can put their lives in my hands, and that I'm capable of making tough decisions on their behalf. Decisions that could be the difference between life or death, sacrifice or detriment. I guess some extent of a bond is required for that level of trust, regardless of my position.

"I'm also hand-to-hand specialized, though I use some jutsu. My go-to is typically my knuckle blades." Brief but informative. Not too sappy yet showing I care.

I'm just about to turn and head to my meeting, which if I don't go fast I'll most definitely be late for, when Kaori speaks up again. She stops me in my tracks.

"Oy, Hatake, lighten up. I know you have a lot riding on first impressions but be yourself. That's the best thing you can do for this team. Transparency."

She's right. I can't gain anyone's trust unless I'm transparent with them. I'm not some overriding authority figure who's making all the decisions. I'm the beacon of information, yes, and I make the final calls, but it's the team that decides life or death. Missions require teamwork. How could I forget that? That's the one philosophy Kakashi was always drilling into our heads on Team Ro. Teamwork, teamwork, teamwork. We're all comrades. Don't let a comrade die, ever. No mission or success is ever worth a comrade's life.

"Thanks Kaori. I know, I'm overthinking everything. I just," I pause for a moment, considering my next words and whether to say them or not. Again, worrying I might appear weak. I have to remind myself of what Kaori _just_ told me--transparency. "I want to do this right."

"I know," she adds. "And you will. You'll get the hang of it, so long as your aim isn't perfection. Nobody is perfect, not even ANBU captains. We all make mistakes every once in a while."

Kakashi made that very clear to me when he tried to convince me not to take this position, and here I am, already having forgotten it. I need to do better.

Her voice is so deep and raspy compared to the kind, wise words she's giving me right now. I know better than anyone that looks can be deceiving. My own husband is one of those looks one way but acts another types too. In the same way Kakashi looks lazy and tired all the time but is actually hard-working and efficient, this seemingly dark girl named Kaori is a bright ball of wisdom and encouragement.

With that I give her a curt nod and we both go our separate ways. I, to my meeting with the Commander and other captains. Her, to wherever a strange girl like that goes in her off time. Things like that I may never know, but I'll bond in different ways with my section. Ways which I have yet to learn.

It seems I have a lot of things to learn.


	29. XXIX ~ Coming to Terms

The meeting starts out like any other ANBU meeting. We enter and are made to provide identification. Masks are not allowed at top-secret meetings such as this, for the sake of security. Our identities must be obvious at all times to ensure we are who we say we are. The only one exempt from this is the Commander himself, who is known and verified only by the Hokage. Tsunade doesn't stay for the meeting, simply acknowledges the Commander's validity before leaving to complete her own pile of tasks. No doubt the Commander will simply be re-instating what the Hokage has instructed.

I take a seat at the large, round table and set my porcelain mask down in front of me, just as the other captains have. I can feel eyes glancing my way but keep my eyes forward, watching and waiting for the Commander to begin.

With his face shielded by a porcelain mask of his own, he clears his throat deeply.

"Captains," he acknowledges.

Everyone echoes back "Commander," nodding their heads back in acknowledgement of him. I'm slower to catch onto this and simply nod in fear of embarrassment. Nobody seems to notice.

I find myself fiddling under the table with my fingers. For some reason, the air in here makes me nervous. Maybe it's the fact that everyone else seems to know what they're doing and I have no clue, or maybe it's because I can still feel eyes glancing my direction every now and then, eager to catch a glimpse of the newbie captain.

To my relief, the Commander finally continues, drawing all eyes back to himself. "This meeting will be brief and does not concern all of you, however I required total attendance so our new captain could meet everyone."

I see eyes dart my way and feel the heat rush to my cheeks at the sudden attention, fingers still fiddling in my lap.

"This is Ayame Saturobi Hatake, I'm sure many of you already know who she is. She's the new captain of the assassination section, replacing Captain Tuck."

I take a moment to glance around the room and gauge people's reactions. At the mention of the one they call Tuck, several noses scrunch or eyes squint. I notice one woman in particular who inhales deeply before letting her head fall into her hands. Now I'm really curious about this Tuck guy. I guess I'm glad I don't know him, based on everyone's reactions to the simple mention of him.

Just as I'm about to return my attention back to the Commander, I notice a familiar face from across the table. I was so distracted by my own nervous thoughts that I hadn't seen him before now. Those calculating black eyes belonging to Izuko Nara watch me carefully yet calmly, fingers intertwined under his chin. When he sees me looking, he nods ever so slightly, the tiniest smirk pulling on his lip. I'd had no idea he was a captain. He seems really young, maybe just 19 or 20.

My attention is pulled away again when the Commander's low voice takes the room once more, "I'll give the run-down for Captain Hatake's sake and then we'll do quick introductions. Again, this won't take long. I know some of you have things to attend to."

One of the captains, an older looking man with light brown hair, checks his watch quickly before exhaling deeply.

"Missions are performed with mixed members from all sections. So, as a captain, you're in charge of your specialized section but you'll be leading missions with members from other sections as well, depending on the needs of the mission. Sometimes entire sections will combine and two captains will lead the same mission, other times just a few from each section and only one of the captains. You train together with your section, honing your skills, but missions themselves will be executed with members from different sections, pulled for their skills relating to the mission needs."

It's so different from when I was on an ANBU squad, on Team Ro. Missions were almost always exclusively performed with your team and members of one team had various skillsets. It seems a lot more categorized now, which makes sense. Missions can be perfectly prepared for and skillsets can be combined prior to a mission to ensure every mission's needs are met. No doubt this is the genius brainchild of one of the Nara minds.

People start introducing themselves, some smiling more than others. I recognize some of the faces and it's a small comfort. Tenzo, for one. He's in charge of a general skills team, having been promoted shortly after Kakashi and I left Team Ro, shortly before Team Ro fell apart and the new system was put in place.

First of the specialized sections is the head of the newest section and biggest change to the ANBU system, the medical team. He introduces himself as Captain Zo. Of course, this idea must have been brought forth by Tsunade, the medic-nin herself. Prior to having a designated medic section, there were the odd ANBU recruits who were medically trained but not all teams had one. If your team had one, you were lucky. On Team Ro, Yugao was the one trained in medical. I will admit it came in quite handy, so having an entire section and ensuring all dangerous missions are carried out with at least one medic-nin on each team is brilliant.

Zo explains it well, clearly having had lots of experience in the higher-ups of ANBU, "I was a bodyguard of the Hokage before the changes. Now, the security section is responsible for guarding the Hokage, rather than the same person all the time. Medic-nins are always close by should the Hokage herself ever need medical attention, though she insisted she could heal most wounds with her summon, Katsuyu, and did not require medics as guards like the previous Hokage did. Since I used to work so closely with the previous Hokage, I am medically trained. Then Hokage-Sama and I worked together to train new ANBU recruits who are now specialized in emergency medical ninjutsu."

Various nods and hums of agreement echo quietly around the room before the Commander nods to the next captain to go.

Next is the Nara kid, Izuko. I was right about him being young, he just turned 20 last month. But he was promoted to Jonin at the age of 14 and his brain is a force to be reckoned with. As anyone could guess, he's captain of the intelligence section.

The intelligence section works closely with the infiltration and security sections, both headed by Konohamaru's parents... who I guess are my aunt and uncle, technically speaking. Though I've never regarded them this way and will probably continue to see them simply as fellow captains. Captain Sarutobi, Konohamaru's mother, introduces herself as head of the infiltration unit. Her voice is strong and her words never waver. I guess I know which parent Konohamaru got his strong will from. And being a sister of Hiruzen, it's no surprise to me that Captain Sarutobi is as rough around the edges as she is. Konohamaru's father and Captain Sarutobi's husband, known as Captain Mori, is the quieter of the two. His voice carries a soft rhythm and I have to lean in to hear him say he's head of security, which deals mostly with in-village security.

 _The position I almost had,_ I think to myself. _Stuck within these walls, watching civilians roam the village, watching for intruders who almost never come._ It's the position Kakashi would have preferred for me, I'm sure. I'm honestly not sure security would have been much better than the Chunin missions I was stuck with.

As Mori finishes his little spiel about village security and the changes that have been made since Tsunade took office, my mind wanders. I find myself looking between Captain Sarutobi and Captain Mori and wondering if, just maybe, I could have been close with them in another life. One where my mother got along with everyone and everyone respected my mother. One where my father wasn't a nobody and where Hiruzen didn't neglect his sister. One where I was close with my aunt and uncle from the start, and had more than just Hiruzen to raise me. Having her strong will and his good-natured heart would surely have had a positive effect on me growing up.

Not that I didn't make it through, because I did, and I'm here now. And I'm a captain, which is a feat I never imagined I'd reach.

I'm pulled back out of my thoughts when the Commander calls my name. He calls it rather sternly, and I wonder in panic for a short moment how many times he had to call me to get my attention.

"Y-yes sir?"

He doesn't seem too stirred, thankfully. "Please introduce yourself."

After one more quick glance at the others around the table, I pull my shoulders back and speak, having given this introduction already in the locker room, it comes naturally. "Hey everyone, I'm Ayame Sarutobi Hatake, but I'll be going by Captain Hatake since there's already a Captain Saturobi," I nod kindly to Captain Sarutobi who gives me a curt nod in return, but surprisingly no smile. I guess it's not her style. "I'm taking over as Captain of Assasination," I say nonchalantly, which earns me some looks. Suddenly I feel very underestimated and it makes me a bit mad. I'm just the ex-Hokage's unlucky little niece from nobody parents, still. Even after all this time and the new reputation I've so desperately been trying to form for myself these last twenty-some years, people still see me the same. I can tell by the pitiful and moderately judgmental look in their eyes.

When I look over for a moment to Mori, the only one who I thought might be unassuming about me, I see he's looking away, avoiding my gaze. _Even him._ The only person not eyeing me up with eyes of even subtle doubt right now is Tenzo.

When I see Tenzo, I'm reminded of my past. And of my experience. Something in me urges to prove myself to these strangers, so the words fly out of my mouth before I can think about it.

"I was on Team Ro—the main assassination team before the changes—for eleven years until a couple of years ago when I was reassigned by Lord Third." I use his honorific rather than calling him my uncle, since it seems more suiting for this formal situation. Besides, I don't want to be seen as the Third Hokage's unlucky niece anymore; especially not now when impressions really matter. I _will_ change their minds about me. I won't allow myself to be doubted by others anymore. I am more than capable of this position and I'm determined to prove it. "I may seem unqualified and unexperienced to be Captain of Assassination to some of you. I may seem too timid or lighthearted to take on such a dark role. But I have adequate experience, I assure you all. And I learned the necessary team-leading skills by working closely under ex-captain Kakashi Hatake," mention of is name raises some eyebrows. Many still question some of the cold-blooded actions he took while an ANBU.

It's not until after I finally leave my own rambling mind and return to reality, to this dark meeting room, when I realize everyone is glaring at me with raised eyebrows or confused glances. Some are holding in the urge to sigh, I can tell by the way their chests rise and fall tightly.

To my great relief, the Commander speaks up again and the pointed attention is lifted off my heavy shoulders. It provides a very physical release, like the breath in my lungs is suddenly so much lighter. "I don't doubt your abilities, Hatake," he says with a low, rough rumble. I'm beyond grateful that the Commander is backing me up here because everyone else in the room seems to immediately lighten and stop looking at me with those horrible, judging eyes as soon as the Commander admits his respect for me. "I worked closely with your uncle, Lord Third. Your reputation precedes you as both niece of the Third Hokage and wife of Kakashi of the Sharingan."

I've always hated being known only by those I'm associated with or related to, but today it gives me some assurance. Because of those I'm close with, I've automatically gained some respect from others in this room. _I've got good groundwork and I'm more than qualified for captaincy,_ I tell myself.

* * *

Captain Sarutobi and Captain Nara debrief me on their most recent joint mission in the Land of Stone, to gather information on the political situation. Since Konoha isn't exactly on good terms with the Land of Stone right now, it was deemed necessary to send a group to investigate and gather information on the eerily prolonged silence that Konoha has received from the Stone in recent weeks.

"Are you ready for you first mission, Captain Hatake?" Nara says with a sort of twinkle in his voice. I arily laugh at this, giving him a side smile.

"Just cut to the chase, Nara," I say lightheartedly.

It's amazing how fast he jumps from joking with me one second to very seriously explaining an important mission the next. He explains in great detail, and I listen to everything he says, trying to put it all to memory and tie things together. Though my brain will never be as capable of understanding complex things as a Nara, so I take comfort in the fact that he already has most of the important stuff in writing.

I take the mission scroll and read over it one last time before bidding my farewell.

x-X-x

_CONFIDENTIAL:_

_Assassinate political leader in Land of Stone responsible for upcoming coup, and prevent coup from taking place by any means necessary. Stone political leaders rumored to have plans to confront feudal lords in Land of Fire and demand rations from Fire crops, due to recent infertility and food scarcities. If not dealt with, battles between the Fire and Stone feudals could ensue and small farm towns could be significantly affected._

_Level: A-Rank_

_Special Instructions: Spared lives for leverage or interrogation an asset but not required_

_Persons Requirement: Assassination (4), Infiltration (2), Medical (1), General (1 multi-skilled)._

_Lead: Captain Hatake_

_Members: TBD_

x-X-x

The mission doesn't start until tomorrow, so I have time to rest up and Nara has time to pick the ANBU personnel from other sections to create the team for this mission.

I roll up the scroll and slide it into my pocket before finally stepping back out into the light of day and heading home. Kakashi will be happy to see me, I'm sure.

When I arrive home after a long-enough day full of evaluations and meetings and debriefs and mission assignments, I can do nothing but flop onto the couch and close my eyes, feeling the enticing lull of sleep start to glaze over me.

The lull is interrupted, however, as my ever so bored husband comes humming into the room, seemingly unaware of my presence on the couch. Ever since Tsunade-Sama told (rather, forced) Kakashi to take a week off, he's been bored stiff. He's already read those books of his a million times over, he claims, and Jiraiya isn't planning on coming out with a new one for another year, so he's truly got nothing to do but re-read them again. I really thought Kakashi would sway away from those perverted books of his after we got married, but he's proven me very wrong.

In fact, he seems all the more intrigued by them lately. Maybe because he's now treating them as educational books rather than entertainment. Which isn't all that bad for me, I will admit. It keeps things interesting in the bedroom (or kitchen, or bathroom, or living room...)

I watch languidly as he begins washing dishes, humming along with whatever tune is playing in his head.

"You seem strangely motivated to do housework today," I say from my place on the couch. Upon realizing I'm here, he drops the pot he was cleaning back into the soapy water and turns around swiftly, eyes wide. "That's so unlike you. It seems a week off is doing you well."

"When did you get home?" he asks, astonished. "I thought you'd be out late tonight, training your team to the bones or something."

I snicker at this comment. My husband knows me too well.

"Well, I decided I'd take it easy on them today because we have a mission tomorrow," I say rather proudly, pushing myself up into a sitting position on the couch.

"Hm? Already?" Kakashi hums as he returns to the dishes. _Not very convincing, Kakashi._ I can tell he's still bitter that I've decided to take on this role, though I appreciate that he's trying to accept it for my sake. He knows there's no convincing me otherwise and forcing me will be no use. Marriage is about compromise, after all.

So, despite the fact that I know this conversation is fake as plastic with failed attempts to hide the bitterness laced through every word, I continue on. For whose sake? I don't know. Neither of us is really benefitting from this conversation. But neither of us will budge, and we both know that.

"Yeah," I echo, equally bitter but equally hidden within empty emotion. "An A-Rank assassination in the Stone."

Mention of the Stone puts him even more on edge but he eventually relaxes when I go on to tell him it'll be a team of nine of us. Nine ANBU versus a few Stone guys, he probably thinks, and I'll allow him to. With the new system, it'll more likely be splitting into groups of three and having just a few complete the actual assassination while the others stay nearby for witness and backup if we need it. It's not like in the old days when Team Ro would take on entire ANBU squads on their own, each person fighting for themselves. Everything is perfectly planned, perfectly organized, and perfectly executed. The new system doesn't leave room for error, really.

I withhold the details of the mission from him both because I don't want to worry him more and because of confidentiality.

"I'm gonna head to bed early, I think," I mutter as I push myself up off the couch and head to the bedroom. "Got a big day tomorrow."

He hums in displeased agreement once again and I ignore it, falling onto the bed and not even bothering with pajamas. I strip down to my undergarments and wrap the warm blankets tightly around me, feeling both hopeful for tomorrow and disheartened about mine and Kakashi's lack of communication right now.

I knew joining ANBU would be difficult, but I never thought the hardest part would not in fact have to do with ANBU at all, and instead the cold-shoulder I receive from my husband because of it.

An unknown passing of time later, I'm awoken by calloused fingers. They stroke softly across my cheek and sift through my hair. When I open my eyes, Kakashi is beside me, eyes full of a look I can't figure.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," he whispers, fingers still tracing my facial features and running through my long, brown locks.

"Mm, it'so'kay." I mutter tiredly as I watch him look at me, trying to understand that look in his eyes.

"You know I love you," he finally says.

"Mhm, I know that," I murmur.

"And it's because I love you that this is so hard," he goes on. His hand stops sifting and instead cups my cheek, eyes filling with a certain tenderness. Even all this time later, it still manages to melt me. Even when things aren't the best between us, he still manages to churn butterflies in my stomach.

My hand travels up out of the covers and rests on top of his while he cups my cheek. "I know."

"We can't stay mad forever."

"I know, and I don't want to."

"I won't force you to leave ANBU."

"And I won't scare you with mission details."

His fingers stretch, giving room for mine to intertwine with his.

"Promise me one thing," he whispers, voice so quiet and tender. Like he might break any moment. Like not promising him this, whatever it is, will break him. "Don't you dare get yourself killed."

My heart lurches a bit at this very forward statement and my hand tightens around his. I feel my body stiffen at the thought of the pain and fear I'm causing him. He's already seen so many people he loves die, unable to do anything to save them. Now, he can't be there to protect me on my missions. Like he wasn't able to protect Obito, Rin, Minato or Kushina. Like he couldn't protect Sasuke. Like he won't be able to protect Sakura or Naruto as they grow up and encounter all sorts of danger.

To him, I've been the one thing he's been able to protect up until now. The one thing he can control in his life, something constant. And I know it's all in good intentions, but it can't go on like this forever.

With brows slightly furrowed, I remove my hand from his. At first, he's taken back by this. I can tell by the way his lips open slightly and eyes fill with momentary struggle. As if I'm closing him off or trying to push him away.

But relief pools in his features when my tiny hand reaches up and takes his cheek, rubbing soft strokes with my thumb.

I look strongly into his troubled eyes, hoping my words reach him and give him some sort of comfort. I want more than anything to make him feel better right now; to take this weight off his shoulders.

"Neither of us can ever make a promise like that, anata. We both know that being shinobi means risks around every corner." I see his jaw slacken and eyes close as he processes my words with struggle.

I couldn't promise him what he wanted. But I can tell by the way his entire body relaxes a little with each stoke of my thumb that he's coming to terms with it. Slowly... but surely.

We both are. We have no other choice.


End file.
